PLEASE NOTE: This chapter is un-betaed. This is not because I don't think my beta is amazing, capable or time-efficient (she is ALL this and more), but because I wanted to get a chapter out as soon as possible... in other words - I was too excited! This is also a great time to give a shout out to her - herasmom - who is a constant and a blessing.

Chapter 10

Harvey and Mike stumble happily through the front door of their suite, all lips and hands and smiles. Regardless of the ever growing pile of unfinished business - including all the confusing things Mike hasn't had time to process about this weekend, their relationship and basically everything, he can't help but feel positively blissful. Harvey, who rarely smiles unless it's absolutely warranted, is beaming. Sometimes Mike thinks they're so in tune that they can feel and sense each other's emotion. Maybe that's sappy and sentimental and completely biologically unfounded, but when his Dom is happy, Mike is happy. When Mike is hurting, Harvey looks like someone punched him in the gut.

Harvey sits them down on the couch with a glass of scotch, holds Mike close and says - "I propose a game."

Mike's stomach flutters at the thought of the games they usually play, but he doesn't let it affect his good mood. "Yeah, okay. What do you want me to do?" He wiggles back and reaches for the zipper on his low slung pants with a forced twinkle of the eye. Harvey stills his hand.

"Not that kind of game, sweetheart."

Mike frowns.

"Come sit with me." With a shy smile Mike lets himself be pulled into his Dom's lap. "The game is this - I ask a question, something I want to know about you. If you answer with absolute honesty, you can either ask me the same question back, or choose a new one."

"And if one of us doesn't want to answer?"

"Then we ask a new question. Only this time it must be answered. What do you say?"

Mike pretends to think seriously about this, but nevertheless looks positively eager. "Yeah, I'm game."

"Good. You first."

Judging from the slip in Harvey's confidence, Mike's expression must convey some deep and calculating concentration. He gulps when Mike finally gets up on his knees and narrows his eyes seriously.

"What's your favorite color?"

Harvey's laugh is loud and rich and boisterous.

"It's blue. And yours?"

"Orange," he replies with a smile. "How do we not know this about each other?"

Harvey shrugs. "It never came up?"

"That's a terrible excuse."

"Yes, well. I do know a lot of other things about you."

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

Harvey tilts his head. "I know that bacon is your favorite food."

"Easy."

"And your favorite place to be kissed is," he leans forward and places his lips right below Mike's left ear. "Here."

"Easy," Mike whispers.

"And I know that your parents names are Nina and James."

"I never told you that."

"Yes, you did. You were deep under at the time, but you told me. I also know that you got the first of many bikes when you were seven years old."

"And have loved them ever since," Mike adds.

"That's right. I also know that you listen to country music on your iPod when you're sad and don't want me to know about it. Although, I can't imagine why." He reaches over to take another sip of scotch." I know you hate cooking more than you let on," he smiles, "unless I let you bake brownies. I know that your first kiss was with Trevor when you were eleven and you both thought it was, and I quote, 'icky'. And I know that if given the choice, you'd rather spend the day wearing your pajamas at home than even the best suit at the best restaurant in New York."

"And you're the opposite," Mike adds.

Harvey shrugs. "That depends. I certainly enjoy a night on the town, but under the right circumstances a day at home is significantly more enjoyable."

"Am I one of those circumstances?"

"One of the only."

Mike smiles shyly and leans in for a kiss. "It's your turn."

Harvey nods. "Okay. What's your favorite holiday?"

"Christmas," Mike says with finality.

"Because of your grandmother?"

"No," he says. "It's when you collared me."

Harvey's lighthearted grin turns serious. "Really?"

"Yeah, of course. Last Christmas was the best holiday of my life. No competition. My grammy and I always celebrated and everything, but there was never much money so it was tense. She hated that she couldn't buy me nice presents and no matter how much I insisted that gifts didn't matter, she seemed sad." Mike shrugs. "I also think she missed my mom the most at Christmas."

"I barely remember what we did except work and -"

"Fuck?" Mike says with a laugh.

"If you have to put it so crudely."

"We were excited."

"I was blindingly in awe of you."

Mike blushes. "We did other things too."

"Like what?"

"We watched old movies."

"Ah, yes. It's A Wonderful Life."

"And we did that thing they always do in movies where you sit in front of the fire with hot chocolate and just... be together. I think that was the best part."

"I liked that too."

"Ah man, that sounds so awesome right now," Mike says wistfully. "I'd kill for hot chocolate. Too bad it's, like, eighty degrees out."

"You know," Harvey says slowly, "Christmas is really just a state of mind."

A half hour later, at eleven o'clock on a warm evening in Italy, Harvey has two confused looking maids come to the room and start a fire in the bleached and unused looking fireplace. Mike is sitting on the couch in his pajamas with a cup of hot chocolate and a thick fluffy blanket. The maids chatter to each other and fumble with the firewood. Harvey winks at Mike, making him laugh.

When the fire is blazing and the air-conditioner is turned as cold as possible, Harvey plops down on the couch next to Mike and throws an arm around him.

"How's this?" Harvey whispers in his ear.

"It's perfect. You're ridiculous, but perfect."

"I'mperfect?" Harvey asks incredulously. "I don't know about that."

"Well, right now, you're perfect."

"Thank you, baby."

Harvey leans down and kisses him deeply. He tries to take Mike's hot chocolate away but Mike whines and pulls back.

"I want to enjoy my fake Christmas and you're distracting me."

"My apologies."

"So is it my turn?"

"Shoot."

"Where else have you been in Italy?"

Harvey shrugs. "I've been to Rome and Milan a few times for business, and I stayed for two weeks in Venice when I was in college. Filthy place. I have no desire to go back. I still haven't been to Tuscany, but I'd like to very much."

"With me?" Mike asks with an eyebrow wiggle.

"Of course." Harvey pecks him on the lips and runs fingers through his hair. "Is there anything you want to do tomorrow? It's our last day and I know this has all been a great disappointment."

Mike thinks. "I think... I think I'd like to go boating. If that's possible."

"You like boats?"

Mike nods. "My dad took me fishing sometimes, when I was little."

"I have a yacht."

"You do not."

"Yes, I do," Harvey laughs. "I just never have time to use it. I'll call my maintenance guy when we get back and tell him to get it spiffed up."

Mike beams.

"And tomorrow I'd be thrilled to take you out on the lake. It's gorgeous."

Mike enjoys the last thread of happy conflict free attention while he steels himself for the next question. When Harvey gently prods him, he says, "Who else have you been to Roissy with?"

It's clear Harvey thought he was free and clear of the difficult and delicate questions. Their laughter and carefree attitude had been unfairly deceiving. But Mike is not about to loose this opportunity, and, as they say - best to just get it over with.

Harvey tries to look unfazed when he finally answers. "The first time, I came here alone. I was working with a company in Como and had to fly out every two months for almost a year. It took me a couple tries to get entrance. I wasn't as world renowned at the time," he jokes.

"You came alone? What did you do here by yourself?" Mike asks. Harvey doesn't seem to notice that it's a question out of turn.

"There are more than enough Subs to go around, Mike. And many Doms who like to share."

Mike nods, thinking of Jacob and Ethan.

"Shortly after that I started a relationship with Scottie. She was our best associate at the time. Not as good as you, of course, but -"

"Wait," Mike says. "Scottie was an associate at Pearson Hardman?"

"Yes."

"As a Sub."

Harvey nods. "Rules were a little looser then, when Hardman was still around. Besides, I suspect she got her foot in the door by sleeping with the partners," he says with derision. "I doubt I was the first, but, I was cocky and she was so good at making you feel special." His far away look is pained and tired. "Anyway, after we'd been scening for a couple months I took her to Roissy as a reward. She loved it, so we came back again. That's when we met Darby. We returned once more after that and I haven't had the desire to return since. Until now, that is."

Harvey's facial muscles twitch with the effort to remain emotionless while discussing the difficult memories. Memories he probably never wanted, nor intended to share with Mike.

"We met Edward completely by accident and he charmed Scottie almost immediately. I don't know why exactly. Mostly the money, I'm sure. But also something else. A quality. A confidence."

Mike tucks his hand into Harvey's tense grip.

"She asked me if we could perform one night at the club when she knew he'd be there - we both did. And at the time I didn't mind. She's always been an exhibitionist and I thought I loved that about her."

The word loved makes Mike wince.

"Afterward we got talking, and then we got drunk. Too drunk. And the next thing I know Darby is in our room, watching us fuck."

Mike has to bite his lip to keep from looking shattered by this - by the knowledge that their new business partners, the ones Harvey bent over backward to obtain, have known him so intimately.

"I thought I was into it, you know? Scottie has a way of manipulating you into thinking that everything is your idea. That you have control over things, but you never do. When we went home we were happier than ever. A couple months later, when I was seriously considering collaring her, she suggested we return for another trip. Just her and me this time, she said." He shrugs. "She'd gone behind my back to make sure Darby knew we'd be there."

"Why?" Mike asks softly. "I don't get it. If she wanted to be with him why didn't she just leave?"

Harvey blinks as if fighting off tears, then looks away. "I still don't understand it. I was angry. I told her she couldn't manipulate me into something like that. A one time thing is different than introducing another Dom into our relationship. She looked at me like I didn't understand her at all. We went to bed that night and when I woke up she was gone."

Mike's eyes widen.

"She was at Darby's feet in the breakfast room. I'd been frantically looking for her and she'd snuck out. Left me. I found out later that when Darby had been in New York a month earlier they'd seen each other behind my back."

Mike kneels up and wraps an arm around his Dom, pulling him in. "Thank you for telling me that," Mike says gently. "I wanted to understand."

Harvey shrugs. "It was a long time ago and Scottie had her reasons. She's happy now."

"But that can't excuse what she did. You have every right to be angry, Harvey. You have every right to hate her."

"I was angry for a long time, Mike. It didn't help me. I hate her sometimes, but even when someone hurts you that much you can't simply forget the good things about them, and what they meant to you - even if it was only for a little while."

Mike smiles in what he hopes looks is perceived as encouragement but is closer to bitter confusion. All he can think about are the good thingsHarvey remembers, and whether or not they still matter. He can't stop himself from dwelling on what makes Harvey still think about her, and if he still wants her.

"Has coming here ruined anything between us?" Harvey asks with a barely noticeable quiver.

Mike forces himself to disconnect from images of Scottie with her lithe and beautiful figure, her glowing smile and all the good times they must have shared here, in a room just like this. He shakes his head. "No. I've learned a few things, but it hasn't changed how I feel about you."

The tension that coils up between them at Mike's words is palatable. Harvey licks his lips. He looks into Mike's eyes hotly. The reality of what is about to happen scares Mike so much he starts to shake.

"And how do you feel about me?"

The question hangs there between them. The realization of what his Dom wants presses on him, encourages him to say what he already knows - that he loves Harvey. But more powerful than that is his fear and self-doubt. Once he says it, once Mike takes the plunge, he can't take it back again. And what if Harvey just smiles and pets his hair and says Thank you, baby. He'd be owned. Harvey would ownhim. Mike knows that saying the words would bind him forever to the man, a man who Mike has no real proof is going to always be there. Harvey said he wanted him as long as Mike would have him, and maybe he really does. But shit happens. People change. And in his experience, loving someone usually means losing them.

These panicked thoughts make Mike's pulse quicken, his cheeks flush, and his skin tingle. "It's my turn to ask a question," he says when the tension becomes too much and he realizes that he has to say something.

Harvey blinks as if coming out of a trance. "Of course."

"Are you in love with Scottie?"

Looking back… it's the stupidest thing Mike has ever done. The moment was there. The atmosphere was right. Harvey wanted him to say it, he neededhim to say it and if Mike hadn't been so blind he'd have known that Harvey would gladly have loved him in return. It was their time. Their moment, but Mike Ross ruined it.

Harvey's attitude changes dramatically. Anger rises to the surface and seems about to boil over. "No, I'm fucking not."

"Were you ever?"

"It's my turn now," he snaps. "We're playing a game, remember?"

Mike nods sheepishly.

"Do you trust me?"

Mike opens his mouth.

"Do you trust me to take care of you? Do you trust that I'll stay true to the promises I made to you when I collared you?"

"Harvey, I'm sorry I asked you that about Scottie," he pleads, tears already threatening and his voice already choked. "I know it's none of my business."

"Answer the question, or don't. But don't you dare lie to me."

The question makes tears stream down his cheeks. He knows he only has two options here, and the horrible truth is the best of two impossible choices. By not answering Mike will be trapped answering a question that could, and likely will, be infinitely worse. Besides, silence on this subject is just as telling as the truth.

This infallible and unshakable trust Harvey values so highly is not something he can convince Mike of so easily. Mike, who until Harvey hadn't trusted anyDom. But even though Mike has told him again and again that Harvey has all the trust he knows how to give, it's never enough. Mike wants to say yes, he really does. But lying to Harvey and making him think their problems are resolved is worse than hurting him.

"No," he whispers finally. "I trust you, but not like you want me to. I'm sorry, Harvey."

The silence that follows in deafening. Even the crackle of the fireplace and hum of the air conditioner fades away. Mike can see something shatter in Harvey's eyes. Finally, Harvey turns away and looks out dumbfounded at the big empty room.

"Harvey, you have to know that I'm trying. I want to be what you want, but you wanted the truth and the truth is that I can't make myself trust someone unconditionally on promises alone. I need consistency. I need time… I just need more time, Harvey."

Mike reaches out to touch his shoulder. He expects Harvey to jump or push him away or something, but he just sits there like he can't feel anything.

"I'm going to go to go for a walk," Harvey says.

"It's midnight."

"I want you to clean up a little, take a shower and then get into bed." Mike nods even though Harvey isn't looking at him. "I'll be back in an hour. Maybe less."

Mike wants to argue, but decides against it. He knows what it feels like to need air so bad you think you're going to suffocate. "You'll be careful?"

"Of course."

"I'll wait up for you."

Harvey turns and pulls Mike into a hug so brief and so tight Mike barely has time to process it. Then he's standing up, picking up his shoes, and walking briskly out the veranda doors.

Mike stares after him for awhile, breathing deeply. Finally he stands up and starts following his Dom's direction without thinking once about how miserable the truth feels, and how much he wishes they could have lived a fantasy just a little while longer.

A gentle draft washes over Mike as he lays in bed staring at the window, hoping he might see Harvey pass by on the beach.

The sliding door creaks. He sits up. In the living room Harvey is quietly locking the door and draping his jacket over one of the chairs at the dining table.

He walks steadily up the stairs then looks over at Mike, smiling tiredly. As soon as he's stripped off his clothes he disappears into the bathroom and turns on the shower without bothering to shut the door. Mike lies back, watches the door, and waits. When Harvey emerges he looks more strung out than he has since before Mike's first submission.

"You should go to sleep, sweetheart."

Mike scoots over to make room. Harvey looks at the empty spot as if it might bite him, then slides in. He puts one arm around Mike and lets him lay against his chest.

"I need to say something."

Harvey exhales. "I don't think I can take any more tonight, Mike. Let's just sleep."

"Please?"

He doesn't answer for so long Mike thinks he's forbidding him with silence. "Okay."

Mike tilts his face up so he's looking up at his Dom, even if Harvey won't return the attention. "I know what I said hurt you, and I really am sorry."

Harvey grunts.

"But I just want you to know this - there hasn't been a lot of proof in my life that people can be trusted. I mean, my whole life has basically been a big lie to keep me safe from having to trust anyone. Trust is scary to me, Harvey. So, yeah, I might not know how to trust you unconditionally. I might doubt sometimes that you'll always be there, that I won't wake up one morning and find you gone."

Harvey finally looks down at him. "I would never do that. How could you think that? Especially now?"

"I know," Mike apologizes. "What I'm trying to say is that I can't just erase the doubt in my head. I want to, and I think that with time trust will grow and I won't worry anymore. But here's the thing - in my entire life, I have only trusted two people - you, and my grandmother. It might not be as much as you were hoping for, but it's all I have to give you right now, and, and I just hope it's enough."

Harvey squeezes him and places a pained sounding kiss on his head. "It's enough."

Mike smiles and tries not to cry when Harvey rolls into him, wraps him up in his arms, and holds him just like he did when they were first together. When sex wasn't the first thing they thought of at night, and holding each other still felt like a novelty.

"I'll endeavor to prove that you don't need to doubt me, Mike. For as long as it takes. And I promise to let you move at your own pace. I just hope one day you'll be able to come tell me I've succeeded in earning your trust."

Mike nods. "I promise."