Author's Note: Thanks for all of your reviews! Read and enjoy!
Something inside Quinn snapped. She felt it when Puck kissed her.
Reading Noah Puckerman is easy. He wears emotions like a decorated veteran. It was obvious he wanted to kiss her long before he leaned over and did it. And she just let him. Like the bystander watching a robbery take place she surrendered herself to fate.
His lips meet hers, feeling immediately wrong, so wrong she wonders how they ever managed to make a child together. Large, calloused hands grip her cheeks and it's a possessive kind of grip, fueled by entitlement. Quinn sees where this path leads and it's suddenly nowhere she wants to go. She thought Puck could be her savior but this taste of being with him just feels like a trap, a shackle to her ankle that will rub right down the to bone.
"Stop, stop it," she mutters, pushing him away. Leaning back in her chair Quinn tries to be rational but everything feels like it's coming down on her. If Puck isn't the answer, then what? She feels panic rising up in her chest.
Puck is shifting uncomfortably in his chair. "I'm sorry Quinn I thought…well…you seemed like…uhh…"
"No, no, I'm sorry. This is my fault, I don't know what I was thinking," Quinn stands up, dropping her napkin on the table. "I..,I have to go." She practically bolts out of the restaurant. Bursting out into the parking lot she's blinded but the brilliance of the setting sun, reds and oranges and purples all bleeding together in vicious beauty. The world is closing in around her, so suffocating. Nothing feels right in her life. It's all just completely messed up.
"Quinn?" The sound of that familiar voice appears out of nowhere. The blonde looks around, spotting Rachel not twenty feet away. Rachel. In her despair Quinn had forgotten that there is one thing that feels right, no matter how hard she tries to fight it or push it down. That one thing she hadn't dared admit to herself but chips away at her icy core like nothing else. It's in her heart, in her very veins pulsing with violent fervor, one name, one being. Rachel. And she doesn't care if it's wrong anymore, at least in this moment. Quinn's slipping under the surface, seconds away from drowning and Rachel is only thing she's got to hold on to.
Without a word Quinn blazes a deliberate path to the brunette. For once in her life there's no hesitation. Tired of thinking and tired of caring she reaches out with brazen hands. She takes something. And God does it feel good. Rachel's lips aren't chapped like Puck's had been. They're soft and sweet. Kissing her is like nothing else Quinn has ever known, pumping energy through her veins and making her head spin. Pushing her against the wall of the restaurant the blonde drags her hands from Rachel's cheeks, down the smooth expanse of her neck. Fingers hook onto the material of Rachel's sweater, pulling at her, wanting her impossibly close.
Quinn only breaks contact when she can't take another moment without air. The world is still spinning and she feels lightheaded. She places a steadying hand against the wall beside Rachel. Sucking in deep lungfuls of oxygen her gaze focuses in on the brunette. They stare at each other for a good couple of minutes, neither daring to speak. She's expecting all hell to break loose but it doesn't. Instead Quinn feels eerily calm. The fire of confusion that had burned through her so furiously is all but put out. In that moment nothing seems to matter but Rachel.
The brunette opens her mouth like she's about to speak and then closes it. Her eyes are downcast, studying the ground like it's going to open up and give her all the answers to the universe. Quinn waits patiently. Finally Rachel reaches up with a shaky hand, fingers curving around the arm leaning against the wall. The contact almost makes Quinn's knees buckle beneath her. Hazel eyes finally meet brown ones and the vulnerability she sees there is hypnotizing. "Tell me…" Rachel's voice is so small.
"Tell you what?" Quinn thinks she would tell this girl anything.
"Tell me this is really happening. I need to hear you say it. I just…I don't trust myself anymore."
Quinn's heart slips low into her stomach. What has she done? She wants to take it back, all the pretending and denying the kiss, all of the harm she's caused. Leaning forward she kisses Rachel again wishing more than anything to heal her pain. Rachel's grip on her arm tightens. Quinn breaks away but leaves her face close. "Yes." Her voice comes out shaky and fragile. "This is happening. I'm so sorry Rachel, about pretending the kiss didn't happen that night on the balcony. I-I was scared. I'm still scared and I don't know if this right but I just…I need you and I…"
She's not sure where she's going with her speech and it doesn't seem to matter because Rachel cuts her off, crashing their lips back together. Kissing the brunette is one thing but being kissed by her is entirely another. Her lips sear Quinn with intensity, attacking them again and again. They're warm and so inviting, making Quinn feel like there's nothing in the entire world Rachel would rather be doing than kissing her. The force of it all leaves her head swimming. Quinn's vaguely aware of herself taking Rachel's hand in her own and leading her across the now darkened parking lot.
They fall into the backseat of her car, Quinn's back hitting the base of the seats as she grips Rachel securely around the waist. Rachel straddles Quinn, her lithe body bending down and pressing against hers as she captures Quinn's lips in a kiss once more. Feeling drunk on passion Quinn is bold. She slides her tongue into Rachel's mouth, tasting her for the first time. She's somehow minty and sweet at the same time. Kissing her is like a drug. It numbs away all the confusion and the worry and the pain. She's been fighting it for so long, letting Rachel get under her skin but now that she's there Quinn doesn't think she'll ever be able to let her go.
Rachel is surprisingly forward. She's confident as her hands slip under Quinn's shirt, fingers dancing up her abdomen and brushing against the edge of her bra. Quinn's eyes widen in surprise. She doesn't know if she's ready for this but her body trembles under the touch all the same. Her own hands can only manage to wrap around Rachel's waist. Her sweater has ridden up and Quinn gasps at the softness of the younger girl's skin. She's so fixated by it that when she feels a pair of lips at her neck she nearly faints.
The contact sends her into a kind of euphoric coma where all she can do is drop her head back onto the seat of the car. Rachel's lips are so gentle as they graze her skin, same with her hands that push up Quinn's shirt and wander across the smooth plateau of her stomach. The blonde closes her eyes, Puck's kiss becoming harder and harder to remember with every brush and stroke. It feels like Rachel is healing her.
There's something there, something so special about the moment and about them being together. Quinn's never felt so fragile, so vulnerable in her entire life. Rachel has the ability to break her down into grains of nothing but instead she's building her back up, making her stronger. Nobody's ever made her feel like that.
Slowly her own hands begin to rub circles against the brunette's skin. It makes Rachel stop what she's doing. Her face falls into the crook of Quinn's neck, lips quivering against the bare skin there.
The sound of Quinn's phone splinters the moment, sending the pieces flying in all directions. Rachel's body jerks away, sliding off of her lap and to the other side of the car. She looks scared, afraid of what the future will bring. Quinn knows it's because of her and a pang of guilt runs through her body. The brunette's afraid she'll go back to how things were before, that she'll bury this moment in dust and never acknowledge it again. Quinn couldn't do that again even if she wanted to. She grips her phone, regretfully flipping it open. "Hello?"
"Mom, hey!" Both of their eyes widen at the sound of Beth's voice. There's a pause before Quinn answers. The air is thick with tension. Her eyes dart to Rachel's but she can't read them. She would give anything to know what she's thinking.
"H-hi Beth."
"I was just calling to tell you I don't think I'm gonna be home tonight. Coach Sylvester is making the captains of the team do survivor team building and we're sleeping outside in tents or something. I thought I'd call and say goodbye in case I don't make it."
Quinn forces a laugh. "Ok, that's for letting me know sweetie."
"How's Rachel doing?"
What a question. Quinn's eyebrows raise as she glances over at the brunette again. "I honestly couldn't tell you. She's, she's been up in your room. I think she's watching movies." It's amazing how far a person can fall. Just a moment ago Quinn had felt better than she had in forever, alive and buzzing all because of Rachel. Now she feels like the scum of the earth. She's never lied to Beth like this before.
"Good. That's good right? At least she's doing something normal-ish." Beth sighs, "I'm just really worried about her, you know?"
"I know hun, I know. Things will get better. They always do with time."
"Thanks Mom, I'll see you tomorrow."
"I love you."
"Love you too." The line goes dead. Quinn lowers her hand and just stares at the phone for a moment. What is she even doing?
"Um Quinn, was that…?"
She look up and nods her head. "It was."
"Oh."
"It's late. We should probably head back now." Straightening her clothes Quinn moves up to the front of the car. Rachel does the same. As she pulls out of the driveway her mind is moving a mile a minute. If she thought she was confused before it's nothing compared to what she feels now. The urgency and desire are clearing like smoke and all she's left with are the facts. They're cold and hard pressing against Quinn with all the intensity of a blade. She's a 33 year-old woman. Rachel is 17, not only her daughter's age but also her best friend. How can it ever work?
Rachel's quiet the whole ride home. They get out of the car and it occurs to Quinn that in the last 72 hours or so, every time she's gotten out of the car her world has been different from the time before. She's not sure whether to call it growth or just circumstance.
They get inside the house and stand across from each other awkwardly. "I think I'm gonna go to bed" Rachel says.
"Ok." Quinn walks her go up the stairs, completely torn. What should she say? What should she do? To continue on with what she started tonight would be wrong but to do nothing feels wrong as well. She knows she has to make a decision because the damage is done. She's kissed Rachel and told her things that can't be taken back.
Fight or flight, she thinks. That's really what it comes down to. And even as Quinn gives herself the ultimatum she suddenly knows what choice she'll make.
Turning off the lights, Quinn goes upstairs. She walks into Rachel's room, stopping at the threshold. Rachel is curled up in a ball on the bed. Her hands are wrapped around herself protectively and she looks so lost and so small.
Quinn walks over and gets on the bed behind Rachel. Gently she wraps her arms around the brunette, her forehead coming to rest against soft brown strands of hair. She ignores the small gasp that comes out of Rachel's mouth and lets a reassuring shush break through her own lips.
After a moment Rachel stretches out. She lets her body curve into Quinn's, rigidness completed excised from her body. Her breath evens and it's only a couple of minutes before she's fast asleep. A small smile touches Quinn's lips. She never thought of herself as being a big spoon and honestly, it's kind of nice. She knows this doesn't truly solve anything but for now there's peace and it's all she can ask for.
The sound of Rachel's soft, even breathing is lulling her to sleep and in that moment she knows that finally, finally she's making the right choice.