Things go from bad to worse for Lila.

A few days passed with Lila hearing nothing from the boys or Rocco. By the third day, her hope that they were coming back for her was fading away rapidly. She had called Aileen, telling her everything, and the woman was worried and angry for her, but it made Lila feel better to be able to talk to someone. By the fourth day, she couldn't stay there any longer, it felt weird to be at Rocco's mother's house when the man wasn't even there and the place only held bad memories for her. It seemed like the boys weren't coming back here and she didn't know when Rocco's mother would be back, she didn't feel like sticking around and explaining where her son was or what he was doing. She decided to go back to the loft and there was still some fleeting hope that the boys maybe went there. When she got there though, the place was as she left it, and her heart sank. The place felt so empty, devoid of the life and love that once filled the space. This used to be a place where they were a family, and now there was nothing left. She had cried so much the last few days she wasn't sure she had anything in her left to cry.

She went over to the bed, curling up as she sobbed, clearly being wrong as more tears fell. The bed still smelt like them and it only made the ache in her chest grow, she missed them so fucking much, she needed to be close to them, to feel them. She moved a little and then her hand touched something under the pillow. She sat up, wiping her eyes and she pulled out an envelope with her name on it. Her heart was hammering away in her ribcage, she'd recognize that writing anywhere.

"Murphy." She whispered forlornly, her chest constricting painfully. His writing was always neater than his brothers. They had been here then, they had to have come here to leave this for her and the fact she had missed them only served to upset her more. Maybe if she had come here sooner she would have found them. She opened the envelope with shaky hands and a photo fell out. It was the picture of the three of them when the timer had gone off too soon and the boys were bickering. Murphy's writing was on the back of it and her stomach clenched when she read it; MacManus family 1999. It felt like her heart shattered right in her chest and a choked sob left her lips. There was a letter too, and she felt like she already knew what she was going to read as she opened it.

Lila,

Fuck, I don't even have the words, there will never be any words. Sorry won't ever be enough. I shouldn't even be writing this, Connor doesn't know and if he did he'd fucking kill me. But I couldn't just leave you like that, without even a goodbye, without a reason.

You have no idea how hard this is for me, for us both, but we have no choice. What happened at the last hit, it proved to us you aren't safe with us. They know about you, you were seen with Rocco and you're associated with us. Being with us means certain death and we can't do that to you.

You being alive and away from us, no matter how painful it may be, is better than you being dead.

It was Connors plan, you've probably guessed that by now. I fought so hard to stay, I got into it with Connor and he had to knock me out so I wouldn't come running to you. But he was right, I see that now.

We're all fine, Rocco too, I know you'll be worried, and I know you'll be mad as hell at us for this. I just hope in time you understand.

I wish I could find the right words to tell you how much you mean to me. I'd need to fucking invent words to even come close. I never thought it would come to this, that we would willingly walk away from you like this. You're our soul mate, we know in our hearts that to be true, and that's why I hope one day we can come back for you, and I hope you'll still love us both then, despite what we've done.

Fuck, this is so hard. All I want to do is be there with you, have my arms around you and kiss you until you can't breathe. I've lost part of my soul having to walk away from you, and it kills me to know how upset you'll be when you read this. You're everything to us, and I know it might not seem like it, but that's exactly why we're doing this.

You need to have a life, work and laugh and just be you. You're a light in this dark world and I feel blessed to have ever met you. I have faith in God that this isn't over, it can't be.

Please forgive me, I'll be begging for forgiveness for this for the rest of my life. Please don't be mad at Connor. It was hard for him too, it's why he was distant when you last saw him, he couldn't bear being around you knowing what we had to do. We both have nightmares, Connor cries out your name in the middle of the night. This is as hard for us as it is for you.

I love you Lila, more than I'll ever be able to tell you or show you. Please don't forget about us and please don't hate us.

Níor rith cúrsa an ghrá fhíor réidh riamh

(The course of true love never did run smooth)

Murphy

X

Lila sat there, her heart bleeding and spilling out everywhere as she read his words, letting them sink in her brain. They were gone, they had really left her. She knew their reasons now but it didn't hurt her any less. She was grateful for her darker sensitive twin though, the letter and picture, she needed them. It didn't surprise her that this was Connors grand plan and the thought of Murphy putting up such a fight he needed to be knocked out made her heart ache. She wasn't sure what to do with all this information. The quote at the end of the letter grabbed her attention, Shakespeare, it was like their thing between the three of them, she read Shakespeare to them every night. But Murphy didn't read himself, he only liked it when she read to him. It made her wonder if those words had been told to him by Connor, the true Shakespeare fan. Had the lighter twin told that to Murphy to try and comfort him? And now Murphy was passing those words of wisdom onto her?

She went to set the envelope down when she realised there was something else in it, she reached inside and pulled out a rosary. Her heart stopped as she glared at the offending object. It was wood like theirs, but the cross was much smaller. She felt a lump in her throat as she just looked at it for a moment. She was torn. She was mad at God for doing this to her, but the gesture by Murphy compelled her to put it on. She wasn't sure if this was his way of saying sorry and hoping she wouldn't waver in her faith. It had been no secret she struggled with her faith, every time something hard came her way she cursed God for it. The brothers never judged her, they were just there for her until she was ready to once again return to the church with them. But now they weren't here to console her, to talk her into going. But the rosary in her hands felt like a plea from the darker boy. She swallowed thickly, putting it over her head with shaky hands and tucking it inside of her shirt. It almost made her feel closer to them, to have this gift from one of them, something to remember them by.

She sat there for hours just staring at the picture and she stuffed the letter into her pocket, leaving the loft and going to the pub for the first time since the bar fight. She was still crying, tears streaming down her face as she walked in. the bar went silent as all eyes turned to her, sympathy on their faces. She didn't want their sympathy though, she just wanted her boys back. Aileen saw her and her eyes widened, thinking the worst seeing the state of her. Lila just handed her the letter. Aileen read it, tearing up herself and she moved Lila inside the back of the pub for privacy. She sat her down at the small table that was there.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart." Aileen soothed, wrapping her arms around the weeping girl. Aileen understood why the boys did what they did, but it was hard to see Lila in such a way.

Lila felt lightheaded again and she felt her stomach churn, she was getting sick of this bullshit. She dived up, running to the sink as she threw up once again. Aileen watched her concerned and rubbed her back.

"I'm getting fucking sick of throwing up." She mumbled angrily, pissed off with her life, with everything. Nothing was going right.

"Lila...When was yer last period?" Aileen asked hesitantly. Lila looked to her, blinking slowly.

"I uh...I don't know. The day before St Patty's I took a test cause I missed it, but it was negative." She shrugged, wiping her mouth on some tissue.

"Have ye been sick every day?" Aileen enquired curiously, making Lila nod. Suddenly Lila looked to the woman with wide eyes.

"I can't be, I can't! It was negative and I've not had sex since, I swear!" She was panicking, life really couldn't hate her this much.

"Right, come on." Aileen said firmly, taking her hand and leading her out of the back. She said something to Doc and the old man looked at her sadly, giving her a weak smile she tried to return.

Aileen wrapped an arm around her and lead her out of the pub. Before long they were back at the loft with a pregnancy test. Aileen looked around a little shocked. The toilet was gone, just gone. She had heard about Connors grand decent with the thing from the roof but seeing it gone was another thing entirely. Lila had to use the toilet next door and she came back into the loft with the test to wait for the results. She handed it to Aileen who was sat at the table and Lila paced, anxiously biting her thumb. Apparently, she'd picked up the nervous habit from Murphy, the thought made her feel sick. She'd never see him again. The timer went off and Lila stilled, her heart beating so fast she felt like she was about to keel over. Aileen looked at it before looking at her carefully.

"Positive." She said softly. Lilas world tilted as everything went black and she hit the floor.

She woke up lay on the floor with Aileen fanning her face, what was it with her and fainting? Aileen helped her up and to sit on the bed. The older woman was watching her carefully like she was about to explode into a thousand pieces.

"What the fuck do I do?" Lila asked panicked, tears falling down her cheeks once again.

"Tomorrow, we get ye in te see a doctor, see how far along ye are. I'll come with ye. I know it's not great, the boys leavin' at a time like this. But yer not alone, I'm here. Ye don't have te do this alone Lila." Aileen said sincerely. It made Lila feel a little better but her heart ached for the boys. They wanted this so badly and now it was happening and they weren't even fucking here. She was getting mad now, how they would do this to her, no matter how noble their intentions were.

Aileen was kind enough to stay the night with her, seeing the girl was in a state and not fit to be on her own. Lila moved the trash can beside the bed, there was no toilet to throw up in and since vomiting was her new favourite thing to do, she guessed it was better to do it in the bin than the floor. When they woke the next morning, Aileen made her breakfast and insisted she ate it after learning how she hadn't been eating. Now she was pregnant, she had to look after herself. They went down to the clinic and Lila was thankful Aileen was taking charge, talking to the receptionist and insisting she be seen. They had to wait over an hour until she was called. Lila was distant again. She wasn't sure when her mind had developed this coping mechanism, maybe after her father died? But she always retreated into herself when things got too much, and once again, she was far away.

She lay on the bed waiting for the blood work before they would scan her, even within herself, she was still nervous. Aileen was right by her side, true to her word as she held her hand.

"Good morning Ms Kelly. I'm happy to say your blood work all looks good, so let's give you your scan." The doctor smiled warmly. She squirted the cold jelly on Lilas' belly and the girl flinched, eyes locked on the monitor as the doctor pushed the wand onto her belly and moved it around. Lila was holding her breath, she wasn't sure what news she wanted to hear. It would be much easier for the doctor to tell her they had been mistaken and she wasn't pregnant, but her heart seemed to be yearning for the baby to appear on the screen. She saw a tiny blob and she tilted her head curiously.

"And there it is, there's your baby. The heartbeat looks good and I'd say you're measuring around 7 weeks." The doctor smiled. Lila blinked at the monitor before turning to the doctor.

"How is that possible? I took a home's test on the 16th and it came back negative." She asked confused.

"Sometimes, it's too soon for home tests to pick up, it happens a lot. Some women never have home tests work on them no matter how far along there are." She explained carefully, giving Lila a warm smile.

Lila just nodded dumbly, letting it all sink in, she had been pregnant this whole time. Was life against her? Why did this have to happen? Would things have been different if that test had been positive? Would the boys be out doing what they were doing? Would they have even got into the bar fight? Everything would be different and it left a bitter taste in Lilas' mouth how things had worked out. Once again she felt like God had screwed her over and she had no clue what the fuck she did to deserve this shitty hand she had been dealt. It almost felt like the rosary around her neck was burning into her skin.

The doctor printed off some pictures and Aileen took her home. She was silent, once again retreating into herself. She had no idea what the fuck to do now. She wished she had a way to reach out to the boys, to tell them the news. Maybe they would come back to her. She knew deep down they would if they knew, but she had no idea where the fuck they were or how to get a hold of them. Now she was just alone, alone and fucking pregnant and no clue where life was going. Everything was a mess.