We told Tamaki the story of the vengeful pirate once. We were all sharing scary stories one Host Club, when we were bored and the girls were all gone. Kaoru told the story of the pirate, and I couldn't help jumping in with my favorite parts. We were so excited to share it because it was our all-time favorite scary story as kids. I didn't think, for one moment, that Tamaki would remember. I didn't think he was smart enough to use it against us. And I certainly didn't think he would inadvertently cause me to fall down a flight of stairs, breaking my right arm and bruising my spine and jaw.
An ambulance comes, and takes me to the hospital. Kaoru is all worry and tears. I go to reach up to him and forget my arm is broken. Pain radiates through my entire body and I scream. I don't remember much after that.
I wake up in a hospital, with plaster on my arm. It's uncomfortable and I feel like my arm is trapped. It becomes hard to breath and I panic. A nurse pushes a button on a big machine next to me. I feel woozy, then I fade away.
I don't remember it, but I know at some point we must have gone home, because I'm home in Kaoru and my bed now, and I instantly feel better, safe. I'm still in a lot of pain, but the drugs they have me on are doing a pretty fancy job. Mom is actually in my room for once, and she's running her hands through my hair. I reach out my good hand and Kaoru grasps it. I'm touched that mom is actually taking an interest in my life, but really I just want Kaoru. While other children ran to their parents when they were hurt, Kaoru was the one to always make me feel better.
Mom, for the first time, addresses the elephant in the room she has ignored for sixteen years and mentions that I should have my own bed tonight. I feel panic rising in my chest, but Kaoru lays down defiantly besides me. She realizes the futility of the request, and leaves. I curl up against Kaoru, trying to ignore the fact that my arm no longer feels like my arm. He runs his fingers up and down my spine, and, despite everything, little shivers wrack my body. It feels so familiar and relaxing that I drift to sleep.
The next few days are a confusing mix of drugs and pain. The only thing I remember with certainty is that Kaoru is always there. He has bags under his eyes, and looks like he's in as much pain as I am, but he smiles every time I wake up, feeds me, gives me my drugs, and holds me close to him. We don't talk. He knows that I'm overwhelming nauseous half the time and in immense pain the rest, and his presence alone gives me something to hold on to. We exist like this for days, with Kaoru holding vigil at my side.
I wake up, holding completely still. Dust drifts across the ceiling, dancing off the light and I watch it pass, waiting to be hit with the inevitable wave of pain that usually greets me in the morning. But today, there's only a throbbing in my wrist. It's uncomfortable, but bearable. I take a deep, slow breath and sit myself up in bed. It feels like I have just survived something intense, and I feel happy and exhausted all at once.
Kaoru's not here. I listen, but I don't hear anything. He must have gone back to school. I'm disappointed, but I understand. The last thing that happened between us was a moment I highly regret. Even now, as I remember it, my stomach turns. I realized I love him, was truly in love with him, and he wasn't mad, or alarmed, he just had this sad acceptance in his eyes. He must have known all along that I was struggling with this, and yet he left me to agonize over my feelings alone. I would never do that to him.
I don't know what happened to him.
With all the drugs I've been taking, I have been having crazy vivid dreams about our childhood. We shared everything, and lived our lives together, as one being. I thought we were happy, that we were lucky to have someone to share every moment with. But sometime during this last year of high school he became distant. When he was young, if he didn't know where I was he would cry. Now he disappears without a word. When he was little, he would look up at me with his big brown eyes and put his hand out for me to hold before leaving the house. Now he's separating from me, distancing himself as if he envies all those people we used to avoid, as if he is one of them now and I'm just the freak who is in love with his brother. I thought we were better than that. I thought we were better than pretending to be everyone else. I thought we were better than those stupid people who can't even tell two separate human beings apart. But I guess I'm the only one who feels that way anymore.
"Hey, you're up!" Kaoru pokes his head around the door and shoves it open with his shoulder, carrying in a plate of pancakes. For once, I'm not sure how to react around him. I don't know how to say, and I don't feel great right now. I'm still in pain, and I've worked myself up ruminating on the last few months, so I just lay back and close my eyes.
"What's wrong? Are you in a lot of pain? I can give you some more drugs." The plate clinks on the nightstand and I hear shuffling.
"Go away." It's a simple request, easily understood and easily followed for anyone but a twin. He ignores me – why am I surprised? – and continues riffling through the drawer in the nightstand.
"I'm just looking for the instructions. We brought them home from your doctor. It's been a week, I think we're supposed to taper down your meds…"
"Go away." I'm so worked up I'm shaking. Now after everything he is ignoring me, and I did nothing to deserve any of this. I didn't deserve to fall down a flight of stairs, be in immense pain and have even my littlest request ignored.
"Ah ok here it is, yeah we go down to one pill. Easy enough." I feel the bed shift and he brings his hand up to my lips. I slap his arm out of the way, knocking the pill across the room. That made me feel slightly better. But the bed shifts, and I hear him shuffling on the floor. Then the bed dips and he's back in my face, "its ok I found it. Here, take your pain meds, you'll feel better."
"Fuck. Off." My arm is throbbing. I don't want to be here and I just want to have one thing go my way right now.
"Hikaru, what is it?" He asks like he has no idea that my life is in complete shambles right now. It's the question you ask a toddler, to help them learn to talk through their issues. I'm not a damn toddler.
"What part of fuck off is unclear to you? Jesus. I just want to be alone. You can spend all the time you want alone with other people but if I want one fucking moment to myself I get treated like a child. Will you get out of my room?"
"Our room," he whispers, like an idiot. Then he just stares at me, his eyebrows pursed like he's trying to figure me out. And there, there's the look he always gives where he's looking right into my eyes, trying to decipher what attack, what fit will come next. Right now, I hate him.
"This is your fault you know, my arm. All I've been trying to do is be close to you and you've been a complete tool this last year. I couldn't get away from you fast enough. Don't worry, you won't need to spend any time with me once my arm heals up. You can probably leave now, I'm not completely useless-"
You know when the sun is setting, and shadows drift across the lawn, smooth and quick? A shadow passes just like that over his face, fast and dangerous. I can't even finish my thought. At some point I must have just stopped speaking because there's complete silence. I think I broke Kaoru.
"Is this seriously what you're upset about right now? What's happening between us? I knew you were horrifically self-involved…" tears start pouring out of his eyes and he takes a second to sniff pathetically, "You almost died. We were at the fright fest, we got separated, I hid in the cabinets because I knew you would find me there, you ran off, and you almost died. They carried you into an ambulance. You were black and blue everywhere. They couldn't give you pain medicine, because they didn't know if you'd need surgery, so you just cried and cried. I sat by you, all day, every day, because I was afraid if I left you'd be gone."
He's gasping for air now, and I see the terror in his eyes and the weight of watching over me in the sags in his face, the white pallor of his skin. My anger feels so childish now. He's right, I'm a selfish idiot. I'm a little afraid to reach out to him, but as soon as I lean the slightest bit forward he meets me, wrapping his arms around me. He buries his face in my neck, and I stroke his hair like he always does for me. I'm not great at taking care of people, Kaoru's always the compassionate one with the ability to make everything better, so I just mimic the things he always does for me and hope it's enough.
He pulls back, his soft cheek sliding against mine, and I worry that I've made things even worse somehow. Then he kisses me. It's not like the playful kisses we shared all those nights in what feels like another lifetime. It's deep and desperate and says everything we can't find words to express. It makes my heart jump and the pain disappear. I've never felt anything passionate, never even felt this passionate about anything, and I actually feel a twinge of loss when he pulls away. He looks straight into my eyes, and I see it now so clearly. He loves me too, very deeply. It has worn him down just as roughly, except he found the love and compassion to keep watching out for me when I was too lost in my troubles to take care of myself. He's incredibly in love with me, and absolutely terrified.
There's so many things I want to say now, to do now, but I want to protect him for once. I weirdly feel like I need to prove to him that I'm a good person, that I can take care of him, that above all I'm worth loving, so I don't say anything. I give him a quick kiss on the lips and pull him tight against me. Just moments ago I had allowed myself to be consumed with stupid selfish anger. Now I feel so overwhelmed and grateful to have someone like Kaoru who loves me deeply and wholly. So I try to take care of him as he would take care of me. I hold him, and stroke his hair, and when we eventually lay down for a nap I lay behind him, stroking my fingers over his chest until he falls asleep.
I love him, and he loves me. For right now, it's enough.