Chapter 10: Talk about Déjà vu
"Mum!" Three voices chorused, then, "MUM!"
Then I was crushed between my mum and my siblings.
"I- can't- breathe!" I managed to choke out, then kicked Christopher hard in the shin, who stumbled backwards with a yelp.
"You nearly suffocated me, you moron!" I tugged crossly on the beak of his cap so it covered half of his face.
"Hey!" he petted his cap like it was a dog or something.
"I can't believe you're already fighting the minute I got home," laughed mum, closing the door.
"Mummy I missed you!" announced Francesca, clinging to mum's waist.
"Why are you back so early? I thought you weren't coming back till next week," I said, helping her with the luggage.
"You remember who Selina Ward is?" she asked.
Colette nodded hard. "She's an editor at Vogue right?"
Mum grinned. "I knew you'd remember. Well her colleague resigned yesterday because of a dispute, so she has to return immediately to fill her space. We bought our air tickets together, and there's a nonsensical policy that we have to arrive and leave the place at the same time. That's why I'm back."
"That sucks," I commented.
"But I'm happy to be home, I missed you," she grinned prettily, and pecked us all on the cheek. "How's my kitchen? You didn't destroy it, did you?"
"Chris, did you tell?" I asked accusingly.
My brother shot me a glare. "I meant to tell you mum, but I could never reach you."
"And what do you have to tell me?" she asked, instantly unsmiling.
"You see, the oven-"
"Hey Christopher! Kim's IM-ing you!" Gawain's suddenly shouted.
Mum's eyebrows rocketed right up to her hairline. "Who is that?"
"Faye, I can't find the-" Dagonet broke off when he saw mum. He smiled pleasantly and waved, "You must be Mrs. Parkhurst."
"Yes, I am. Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen?" asked mum, hands on hips. She then gave us all stern looks. "Well?"
We exchanged nervous glances and fidgeted.
"Well, I'd better get back to my potatoes," said Dagonet cheerfully and left us.
"Colette, I can't find the hair gel. You didn't use it all, did you?" came Lancelot's muffled shout.
Mum looked flabbergasted at the seemingly numerous different voices echoing around the house.
As if it was not enough of a shock, Galahad suddenly burst into song- and out of all songs- he sang Prince's Kiss.
I hung my head and sighed in defeat as Galahad sang in a squeaky voice, "You don't need to be beautiful to turn me on…"
"I think we have some explanation to do," said Christopher sheepishly at last.
"Indeed," deadpanned mum.
"So, uh, let's get your suitcases upstairs and we'll wait for you down here, okay?" I said jerkily.
"Mummy, I want you to meet Dagonet, he is really really really really nice and he cooks the yummiest spaghetti and-" babbled Francesca excitedly till Christopher calmly cut her off.
"Franny, let's let mummy freshen up first, then you can introduce her to Dan and Gary and everyone else, okay?" he said, hoping she would catch the hint.
"Lovely," I interjected hastily, grabbing two large bags and started hauling them upstairs. "Let's not waste time-"
The doorbell zapped again. Me, Colette and Christopher exchanged extremely frightened looks, while Franny continued to gnaw at mum's ear about Dagonet's baked potatoes.
"C'mon mum, let's go upstairs first, Chris will get the door," I said promptly, grabbing mum by the arm and started pulling her to the stairs.
"Why the rush, darling? I'm really tired," said mum, though allowing me to drag her along. "Christopher, get the door. It's not nice to keep people waiting."
"Oh, it's just some advertising people, I think," he replied casually, shoving the largest suitcase, blocking the door and sat on it. "Go on, I'll take care of whoever it is."
There were a few knocks on the door, and dad's voice came clearly from the other side. "Open the door please kids!"
Mum's face lit up. "It's your father, Chris, open the door."
Christopher pressed a finger to his lip and whispered. "Go upstairs and give him a surprise!"
To our relief, mum nodded and grinned, and was starting to scuttle quickly up the stairs when dad and Zora entered from the backdoor.
"Christopher, why is the front door stuck?" he asked, oblivious to mum's presence. "Why is there a suitcase against it? Remove it this instant."
"Shit," grunted Christopher as he stared at mum.
Since she was standing a step below me, I saw her face really, really clearly. And there was only one emotion on it- fury.
And there was only one adjective that could describe her- dangerous.
Surprisingly, Franny had not uttered a single word. She just kept looking back and forth mum on the stairs, and dad and Zora in the hall.
Dad followed her gaze, and actually froze then swayed on the spot as he stared at mum in complete surprise.
"J-J-Jeanne?" stuttered dad.
Meanwhile, Mum and Zora were having an intense glaring contest.
"Who's she?" they asked at the same time.
"Shit," I swore, banging my head on the wall, then put the bags on the stairs. This was going to take a while.
Dad cleared his throat very uncomfortably and loosened his tie as if he didn't know what else to do. "Jeanne, we need to talk."
"Likewise," replied mum coolly, totally impassive. But I could see her knuckles turning white.
Dad was in serious trouble and he knew it, though he was trying to look brave. Which mean puffing out his chest in a ridiculous manner. Arthur liked to do that too, I had discovered.
"So, uh, shall we-" he gestured to the living room uneasily.
Mum descended the stairs so gracefully that it was almost frightening. We watched in silence as she walked right up to dad and Zora. She folded her hands neatly in front of her chest, glaring at dad.
He should've seen it coming.
Mum didn't have to move a single muscle other than her leg. With a simple curling kick behind his knee, dad was sent sprawling to the ground.
"What do you mean by this?" mum shouted at him, flinging a finger at Zora, who had cowered away after seeing mum's clean karate kick. "Are you (beep) cheating on me?"
"Mum!" I gasped at her use of language.
Franny's face darkened when she heard mum's accusation. "Daddy, are you cheating on mummy?"
"Listen, Jeanne, why don't we sit down and talk-"
"What do you think?" asked mum, her voice dangerously low. She took off her blazer and flung it to the ground, sinking into a menacing karate pose. Or was it Kung Fu?
"Wow, is that your mum?" a voice from above me asked, and I turned and nodded at Arthur, who was leaning on the parapets, looking impressed.
Christopher tried to mediate. "Uh, mum, maybe you need to calm down-"
"Out of the way, Christopher," mum ordered, and he backed down immediately.
"Look, Jeanne, let's be rational," said dad firmly, stepping backwards slowly from mum's wrath.
Mum smiled, a cold, evil smile that I didn't know she was capable of.
"Let's save that for court, honey," she said forebodingly.
Someone whistled behind me, and I turned to see Gawain there as well.
"This would be quite a show," he commented with a nod.
"Come on," I said, and sprinted down the stairs to see mum slowly cornering dad, who was looking more and more frantic. We joined Colette and Christopher by the dinner table, and I had to bite my lips from laughing at dad's face. I wouldn't be surprised if he fell on his knees and begged for mercy.
"Jeanne-"
I couldn't see the first punch, but I definitely heard it. It sounded like an "ooosh", pretty much the sounds you hear from a Kung Fu film.
Then all hell broke loose.
"Where did she punch him?" asked Colette all excitedly.
"In the chest!" exclaimed Christopher. "GO MUM!"
Dad struggled onto his feet, while mum hopped from foot to foot like a real Kung Fu master, shaking her fists.
"C'mon!" she shouted. "Get up, you idiot and fight!"
As if on cue, the heavy beat of Michael Jackson's Beat It blasted through the house.
"Jeanne, what got into you?" asked dad weakly, leaning against the window.
"That is the most interesting question you've ever asked," answered mum, then she struck again, which dad dodged just in time.
He was lucky, the blow went straight through the window and we all "oooh-ed" unanimously. Mum's hand, to our surprise, was still in one piece.
Dad scrambled backwards towards us, and we shrieked and rushed to the other side of the dining room for the sake of our safety, while mum let loose a war cry and dashed raced over to him, apparently preparing to give him a good karate kick.
My eyes bulged in astonishment as dad's hand easily brushed aside mum's attacking leg, and blocked a consecutive swipe of her hand. This continued in a quick succession of attack and defence, which left us completely speechless.
"Oh my God. They know martial arts?" asked Christopher, his jaw slack.
"More like marital arts," snorted Colette.
"Arthur, I think we should incorporate some of those tricks into hand-to-hand combat," said Dagonet's from the kitchen while whisking up a white sauce.
"They're doing it better than Bors and Kay," commented Arthur with a small smile.
"I'm guessing their reflexes just got sharper than usual," I reasoned. "There is scientific proof that when one is under urgent circumstances, one's receptors-"
"Hey, where are you going?" Colette very rudely interrupted my analysis, taking after Zora, who was apparently escaping the scene. I rolled my eyes and followed together with Arthur and Gawain.
Zora leapt at the door, which was still barricaded by mum's suitcases. It became obvious that she wasn't going anywhere.
"Yoooooouuuu!" screamed Franny from the mini balcony on the second floor which was right above the front door. "Taaaaaake thisssss!"
Zora screamed as water balloons rained down on her, and I burst into peels of laughter the ridiculous scene.
"Faye!" I looked up and yelped as fuzzy toys fell on me.
"Alright, here's to you for trying to mess up our family!" I yelled and started throwing the fuzzy toys at Zora, who was running around the hall like a trapped, startled cat.
"Geez, I didn't know we had this many stuffed toys," I commented as Lancelot dropped us another batch.
"Stop stop stop!" Zora was still squealing, barely able to open her eyes thanks to the relentless volleys of water balloons.
"Five points for hitting her face!" yelled Colette suddenly.
Five stuffed toys hit the mark, and we cheered, giving each other high-fives, like it was a basketball tournament or something.
"Out of the kitchen!" Dagonet suddenly roared, and we turned to see a panic-stricken dad sprinting out of the kitchen. Mum followed a beat later, hollering at the top of her lungs and wielding a red broomstick.
"Ralphie!" shrieked Zora as dad zoomed by. "Save me!"
"Ralphie, is it?" growled mum, her broom only narrowly missing dad's head. "Come back here!"
"I thought they were tung ku fighting?" Arthur asked Christopher.
"Kung fu, Arthur!" Colette rolled her eyes.
"I told you it's a matter of reflexes," I said smugly.
Dad was running up the stairs, but Galahad, Lancelot and Francesca stood at halfway, each smiling sweetly, casually tossing water balloons from hand to hand.
Dad stopped right in front of them, then turned to find mum hot on his trail.
"Uh-oh," sang Colette, grinning.
"Go guys!" yelled Christopher, and we joined in the hysterical cheering.
"On the count of three!" I shouted, jumping up and down.
"THREE!"
"Can't we please discuss this-"
"No!"
"TWO!"
"Jeanne, this is ridiculo-"
"ONE!"
"WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON!"
Call it déjà vu.
"Mrs. O'Hare!" cried dad in relief.
Galahad shrugged and threw his pink water balloon at dad's face, which exploded and left him a very wet and unhappy face.
Mrs. O'Hare was once again in her favourite polka dot apron, glaring at us sternly.
"What is the meaning of this?" she snapped, waving her hands about like Captain Jack Sparrow, but she was, of course, sober.
I surveyed the hall. It was practically flooding, with burst balloons everywhere, stuffed toys littered on the ground. We shuffled guiltily under Mrs. O'Hare's spectacled glower.
"Ask dad," muttered Chris.
"I didn't quite hear you, Mr. Parkhurst," said Mrs. O'Hare, glaring at my brother.
"I said ask dad," he repeated loudly.
Mrs. O'Hare turned sharply to dad, who was leaning on the railing wearily. "Mr. Parkhurst, care to explain?"
I took advantage of the focus on dad and sneakily threw a crocodile at Zora's side. She yelped.
"Miss Parkhurst!" snapped Mrs. O'Hare, spinning to face me.
"Yes?" I said sweetly.
"Don't make me tell your mother what happened when she returns," she threatened.
"I have returned," mum spoke up.
"Jeanne!" exclaimed Mrs. O'Hare, breaking into a wide smile and scuttled over to give mum a hug. "I have missed you, my dear!"
To my surprise, mum actually sniffed. "He cheated on me, Betty!"
Mrs. O'Hare patted her comfortingly. "I know, my dear, I know."
"You knew?" mum blinked.
I tugged on Christopher's sleeve, and he grabbed Colette. We quickly snuck to the adjourning drawing room.
The older woman nodded. "So did your children."
"Christopher Faye Colette!" shrieked mum, and we stopped in our tracks, turning around like children caught stealing their mummy's cookies.
"Yes mum?" we chorused, unable to meet her eyes.
"You knew?" she asked, her voice squeaky and unbelieving.
We nodded.
"You didn't tell me?"
"Time difference, mum," murmured Christopher.
"Time difference my (beep)!"
"Mum!" I protested against her language.
"You didn't tell me all the times I phoned you?" she shrieked angrily.
"It was hard to tell you," said Colette defensively. "I mean, it's difficult for us too mum!"
"You think we enjoyed keeping it from you?" I asked, my voice hard.
Mum stared at us, almost blankly, like she was lost for words.
Mum was never lost for words.
Dad seemed to notice this uncharacteristic phenomenon.
"Jeanne," said dad softly, touching her arm.
"Get out," she said simply, no hostility or hate in her voice.
"We need to-"
"Get the hell out of here, if you please," she said in the same emotion-deprived voice. "Don't make me ask twice."
There was no arguing with her, and dad should know best. Especially when she had a broom in her hands. With a tight nod, dad moved cautiously around mum and calmly walked down the stairs, took Zora's hand, and walked out of the door. But not without me throwing a giraffe at Zora's back just before the door closed.
"Mummy," said Franny quietly after a moment's silence.
"Yes honey?" she attempted a smile, taking Franny into her arms, while Mrs. O'Hare silently stroke her hair.
I think we all expected her to say something along the lines of dad's affair, but let's just say that Franny has always been the unconventional one.
"Can I skip the clean-up session?"
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Half an hour later, mum was at Mrs. O'Hare's "for a cup of tea" and Franny was snoring away upstairs.
"Cleaning up is a pain in the backside," grumbled Christopher, mopping the floor moodily.
"Like revenge," I added smartly, and he rolled his eyes.
"What do you call this? Out of pleasure comes pain?" asked Galahad, standing on a chair to retrieve a bit of a burst balloon from a lamp on the wall.
"That sounds weird," smirked Colette.
"Tristan is lucky to skip this whole ordeal," said Gawain wistfully.
"No, the first part was way cool," said Lancelot. "Your mum is so cool."
"Way cooler than that woman," I said viciously, wringing a stuffed horse dry with more force than necessary.
"I wonder if they'd charge us for assault," said Christopher carelessly.
"I doubt it. The last thing dad wants is to bring attention to himself," I said sensibly. "That's only rational."
"Will they file a divorce?" asked Colette.
I shrugged. "We have no say in that."
Christopher moaned and sat down on the bottom stair. "This sucks."
"And we haven't even told her who you guys are yet," I added, throwing the horse at Arthur, who was collecting the stuffed toys in a large plastic bag.
"She doesn't need to know at the moment," he shrugged.
"Sooner or later she'll have to know. I wouldn't be surprised if she personally contacted the Macedonian government to send you back there then," I said.
Galahad looked alarmed. "Really?"
Colette nodded in agreement. "She's a woman of her words."
"Where did you find these stuffed toys?" I asked no one in particular, wrinkling my nose at a battered teddy bear which said "horny". "Not from Franny, I'm sure."
"In Chris's room," replied Galahad with a snicker.
I snorted. "Chris's room?"
Christopher refused to look at me, but seemed very absorbed in his mopping.
"I didn't know you collected teddies, Chrissie," teased Colette.
Gawain nudged me in the ribs and whispered in my ear, "You haven't seen him sleep, he sleeps with a teddy named Kim-"
"I heard that Gawain!" snapped Christopher, throwing a teddy at him.
"Are we at stuffed toy war again?" asked Lancelot.
A stuffed pig landed square on his nose. Galahad cheered and got hit by one of the 101 Dalmatians in return.
"Come on, Dotti! Let's make a fort!" I cried, grabbing my sister's arm and an armful of fuzzy toys.
"Okay boys! This way!" shouted Christopher, catching on the game.
"Hey! Five vs. two? That's not fair!" Colette protested, flinging Winnie the Pooh at Chris to emphasize the point.
"Galahad can join you," said Lancelot, grinning.
"Are you suggesting that I resemble a girl?" asked Galahad, huffing.
Arthur shrugged and grinned. "Your name does, Gal."
A Great White hit Arthur full force, and I shouted, "That's for you, Gal!"
"WAR!" screamed Colette, brandishing an elongated dolphin like a sword.
The knights exchanged knowing glances, then roared, "RUUUUUS!"
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I usually sleep like a baby, especially after hysteric fuzzy toy battles (which we agreed was a tie, since we didn't really tally our scores). But suspicious noises, such as someone climbing into your window, do wake me.
And it really sounded like someone climbing into my room through the window. Sleepy as I was, my senses were suddenly sharp and alert, and I could clearly hear someone carefully making their way down my desk.
Thud. On the carpet now. Shuffling quietly. A trip and a muted curse. That must have been my bra. Oops.
Very close now. Just right next to my bed.
Oh God. He wasn't going to hurt me right? I assumed it was a he, since men were known to climb through windows more than women.
He had stopped. Oh God. Oh no. My heart was hammering hard against my ribcage, like it was shaking the whole bed.
I needed to stop him. Attack him before he did.
Okay now, Faye. Stay calm, you're asleep, remember.
Three… two… one…
I leapt off the bed and practically threw myself onto the intruder, wrapping him in my blanket. We landed heavily on the carpet.
"Don't move! I've got you!" I hissed quietly, as if I didn't want to wake the others, which was incredible stupid and illogical. Help was the first thing I needed, right?
…Wrong.
"Faye."
He knew my name.
I blinked.
I gingerly peeled the blanket away to find myself staring at a now familiar face.
"Um, Tristan?" I asked.
He nodded.
"Ohmygosh I'm so sorry! I thought you were some crazed cold-blooded murderer looking for a girl to kill-"
"I'm not," he cut me off.
I nodded vigorously. "Right."
"Get off me."
"Excuse me?"
"You're on top of me."
Of course I was. I was too drowsy to remember to blush. I rolled off him clumsily and sat against my bed, too tired to move.
Stifling a yawn, I asked, "Why were you climbing through my window?"
"I didn't want to wake anyone," he said, tossing my blanket back onto my bed and sat down next to me.
"Oh right, I remember now, you were out with Midge," I could not keep the wintriness out of my voice. "Did you have fun?"
I saw him shrug in the dark. "It was fine."
"She likes the perfume, right?"
He nodded.
"That's a consolation," I said, yawning.
"You should be in bed," said Tristan, pulling me up.
"Ahuh," I drawled, falling onto my bed. "And oh, mum's back. Make sure you don't walk around naked again."
I was already drifting off to sleep, but I could picture him smirking at my advice just before I departed with consciousness for the night.
I think I dreamt of him walking around in a towel that night.
Uh huh, déjà vu indeed.
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To make up for the crappy chapter 9, here's an insane out-of-control chapter for all of you who wants evil things to happen to Zora and daddy dearest. You finally meet mummy dearest, how do you like her? I'd love to know!
And thanks for the consoling reviews for the last chapter, I still feel guilty for writing such a crappy chapter. I like this one much better :) Hopefully you feel the same! And cookies for updating in three days! Go me!