Chapter 10 – In Forever

First of all, thank you to everyone who reviewed and PMed with encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Seeing as my insomnia has decided to stick around, I figured I'd use it to my advantage and squeeze out another chapter.

Anna woke first in the night, something she couldn't remember ever happening before. She woke in a cold sweat with her heart pounding, and immediately grappled with the covers to try to find Elsa, to make sure that she was fine and asleep and not bleeding.

Anna sat up, still panting from the terrors of the night, looking searchingly for her sister.

She was in a beam of moonlight, sleeping as she always did, one hand twisted in the sheets, a frown set on her face.

Anna took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, but she was still struck with a vivid image of Elsa cutting her own flesh, encouraging herself to bleed, trying to die. Anna flopped onto her back, and stared at the ceiling, swallowing hard and trying to think of something else.

Elsa was perfectly safe, she was sleeping soundly, and she wasn't hurt. Anna told herself that, over and over again. When her heart settled, she moved a bit closer to Elsa, draping an arm across her just to ground herself, to make sure that Elsa stayed where she was.

"You okay?" Elsa murmured, without moving and without opening her eyes.

"I dreamt I lost you." Anna admitted, and now that she knew Elsa was awake she edged even closer.

"Hm." The corner of Elsa's mouth turned up. "Do you want to see what I dreamed of?"

"Yeah." Anna propped herself up on one elbow.

Elsa still had her eyes closed; she released the sheets and turned her hand palm up. Blue light swirled, forming a few delicate snowflakes, and then the blue morphed into an icy snowman, and two children.

Anna smiled, and dropped onto the bed again, cushioning her head on Elsa's arm. "You dream about me?"

"All the time."

"And you dream about your magic?"

"Quite a lot."

"Good dreams?"

"Not all of them."

Anna closed her eyes again, feeling a bit more secure. There were thoughts behind her eyes, thoughts that she wished weren't there. Thoughts of blood and fear and no way out. Thoughts that made her want to keep her eyes open, and face the dark, rather than face her mind.

This was the darkness Elsa lived in.

"Elsa?"

"Hm?"

"What do you do, when these thoughts take over and you really want them to go away?"

Elsa opened one eye, the sleepy blue clashing with the bright wakefulness of Anna's eyes. "I can't make them go away. They're always there."

"How do you sleep at night?" Blood dripping onto snow. Collapsing to the floor, screaming for everything to just go away. Cold ice tearing into flesh.

"With you at my side."

The world had definitely changed.

There was a darker side to Elsa that Anna had brought to light. She understood, even if she didn't agree with, that second time Elsa had tried to kill herself. There was a logical progression to it; Anna had seen it first hand, she had helped Elsa through it, and she had been secure in the knowledge that rational, level-headed Elsa wouldn't do that again.

But that letter . . . there was no rationality in it.

Anna couldn't believe that Elsa would ever act in such a way: without rhyme or reason, without even thinking or planning. Elsa didn't do that, she never did anything without cautiously anticipating every possible outcome. Anna was discovering the uneasy truth: Elsa had a wild and uncontrolled side to her as well, the same sort of frivolous spark that made Anna do stupid things like marry men she just met, or set sleds on fire, or kick snowmen in the head.

The only difference was, Anna let her crazy out constantly, letting small, everyday things lead to stupid decisions and unplanned actions with no regard to consequences. Elsa didn't do that, she kept all her craziness bottled up inside until it was too much to take and it exploded spectacularly.

Anna had seen that irrational side to Elsa only once before: at the coronation, when Elsa had made the completely idiotic decision to flee Arendelle. It was not a level-headed move; it had been madness to even attempt it. But she had, and that had proved that Elsa was capable of spontaneous, non-consequential action as well.

That scared Anna.

What if Elsa did it again? What if something pushed her over the edge, and she made a snap decision, made the wrong decision?

Anna knew she would never be able to kill herself; it just wasn't in her nature. And she had always believed that Elsa attempting it had been a fluke of some sort, a once-off happening that could be brushed aside and written off as a lapse in judgement.

But . . . but that wasn't the case. The truth was that Elsa was just unpredictable as Anna, and more than once her unpredictability had endangered her life. She was a time bomb, slowly ticking down to the next emotional upheaval. Anna had no idea when it would happen, how it would happen, but all she feared was that Elsa might just be third time lucky.

"I'm scared you're going to do again." Anna announced, placing both hands on Elsa's desk and leaning over it, the sheer intensity of her stare enough to make Elsa look up.

"Do what?" It had been only two days since Elsa collapsed, and she was working just as hard, although she hadn't protested when Kai had shown up at the door and told her to stop, now, and go for a walk or a nap or something that didn't involve working.

"Try to kill yourself."

Elsa paused, thinking hard. She heaved a sigh. "You trusted my word that I wouldn't do that again."

"And I do trust you. I do. But . . . but sometimes you lose control, and terrible things happen when you do. I'm so scared that it'll happen again and I won't be quick enough, or . . ." She gulped. "Or you'll be quicker than me."

Elsa's gaze dropped downwards, weighed by guilt and shame. "I don't know what to say to you. I'm not going to try it again; I'm doing better, Anna."

"I need time. To trust you more. To get used to this. Do you . . . do you know how this changes things?"

Elsa shook her head slowly. "No. Everything's still the same for me."

"I used to think you were perfect. I mean, look at you. You can handle anything. You always know what to do, and what to say. And then I read that letter-" Here, Elsa flinched, because this was the reason she wanted that secret to remain as one. "And suddenly you're not so perfect anymore. And everything I thought about you is wrong. And . . . and I suddenly know that everyone can fall, and everyone can fail. You're supposed to be here for me, forever. Now I'm scared that you'll leave one day and never come back."

"I . . . I wouldn't do that."

"No," Anna shook her head, half angry and half distraught. "Mama and Papa said the same thing. They said they were coming back. They said they wouldn't be gone long. But they didn't come back. They left us, Elsa. And now I keep thinking you'll do the same thing. And don't tell me you won't because I know you've tried to, twice!"

Elsa stared at her, her eyes as bright with pain as Anna's, and she kept silent for a long time. "Anna . . ." She had to pause for a second, to breathe, because Anna's insecurity and pain was reaching between them and easing into her heart. "You . . . You're afraid I'll leave one day and never come back?"

"That's the only thing that scares me. Losing you. And I know you're capable of it, and now I don't know what to think about you." Anna looked tense and fidgety, and this role reversal made a warm surge of love flare up in Elsa's chest.

Because she wasn't alone with her fears, and her thoughts, and her decisions. Someone was with her. Someone understood. Elsa closed her eyes briefly. Anna had fears too. She had things that weighed her down, things that couldn't go away or be resolved overnight. Neither of them were alone, through good or bad.

And finally, Elsa could offer Anna some of the comfort she had taken for years, with no way to return it. She could finally be the big sister she was supposed to be, and alleviate her little sister's fears. "Anna."

Anna looked at her hopefully, wishing that Elsa would say something, anything, to let Anna know that the nightmares and the thoughts that plagued her now would not be there forever.

"For the first time in forever," Elsa said, locking her blue eyes onto Anna's. "I finally understand." You're just like me, and I know how to be me. And I can teach you how to live with it. "For the first time in forever, we can fix this hand in hand."

There was a flicker of recognition lighting in Anna's eyes, and she grasped at Elsa's hand, to hold onto something and remind herself that this was real.

"You don't have to live in fear," Elsa continued, squeezing Anna's hand gently. "Because for the first time in forever, I will be right here."

There was still doubt, there was still fear. Everyone fears losing the thing they love the most.

"You don't have to be afraid." I'm scared enough for both us, and I'll get us through it. "We can work this out together." I know we can, because I believe in you. "We can make the sun shine bright. And everything will be alright."

There was silence, and the tense lines in Anna's shoulders relaxed slightly. There was a trace of wonder in her voice. "I didn't know you were listening. To me."

"I've always been listening. When there's no light to see by, you learn to hear better."

Anna sidled around Elsa's desk and gave her a quick pull to get her to her feet. Without warming or waiting, she pulled Elsa close, pressing her head into her shoulder and wrapping her arms around her body. Elsa leant her chin on Anna's shoulder, the way she liked to do, and for the first time in ages didn't just hold Anna; she gripped at her fiercely, tightly, as though she might never let her go.

"You requested that I register all complaints in private with you."

Elsa swallowed hard, trying to maintain an air of calm. But she was frazzled and unsettled by Anna's newfound fears, and the aching, wrenching turmoil in her stomach at having to relive the worst day of her life. And her breakfast was churning around, as though sensing her discomfort and deciding it would be better off somewhere else.

She swallowed again, because she wasn't going to throw up just because Benedict was standing in front of her with an expression so dour one might think she had set Arendelle alight. "Yes?"

He sat down in front of her, narrow eyes piercing, and she had to fight the urge to shrink back. "You're not in control. Everyone can see it."

Her stomach dropped. "What? No, I . . ." She stopped herself before she could splutter, and took a deep breath. Get it together. Show him what you're capable of. "I have everything under control."

"You keep saying that. But all you're doing now is hiding behind your sister. Arendelle needs a leader, someone who will stand up for herself. Someone who doesn't need twenty minutes of deep breathing before she can walk into a meeting."

I only take ten minutes. "Have you found an issue with the way I run Arendelle?" She was falsely calm, drifting dangerously close to conceal, don't feel.

"You've broken down twice before," Benedict said, gruffly. "Who's to say it won't be worse the next time it happens? What happens to Arendelle if you are too ill to watch over it? What if you keep getting worse, instead of better?"

She paused, because those very fears had crossed her mind before. "I . . . I'm doing better. Not only am I trying, but I'm succeeding."

"You're obsessed," he hissed. "You are obsessed with topping everyone who has ever been in power here."

"Is there something wrong with that?" Elsa answered sharply. "Or are you just worried that I'll be the best ruler that Arendelle has ever seen, and you won't like because I'm a woman?" It was false bravado as well; she didn't believe a word she was saying. Certainly, she wanted to be better. But the best? That seemed out of reach.

"I'm worried that your obsession will turn into something dangerous. I'm concerned that you're going to take this pursuit of perfection too far, just like you take everything too far. You have no idea where to draw the line. You go for all or nothing."

"Then it'll be all or nothing for the good of Arendelle," Elsa sniped back. But she feared the same thing. She needed something in her life to be her anchor. She had let go of conceal, don't feel. Then she had gripped onto I can handle this, I can be better.

What would be next?

"You're setting yourself impossible goals," Benedict said. "You're going to fall short of them."

"No, I won't." Her voice wavered slightly. The black voice snapped at her, You're lying.

No, I'm not. I've got Anna, and we can handle this.

"You've seen everything I've got planned," Elsa said. "It's all figured out, it's doable. I will not fail at this." Not again. Not at something else. I've failed enough.

"You're aiming too high," he warned. "You're fixated on being perceived as the best."

"And I will be." She didn't know where this new pride had come from, but she was going to keep hold of it for as long as she could. She lifted her chin slightly. "I've made enough mistakes. There will be no more." I have to be strong. I have to be here, for Anna.

Benedict fixed her with a glare. "I'll be watching you."

"I know." That actually made Elsa feel a bit better. "And you're going to see me rise." Because I can't possibly fall any further. "You're dismissed."

Benedict did not look amused. "I haven't finished yet."

"As of yet, you haven't said anything of value. All you've done so far is try to bully me into feeling bad about myself, but I am getting better, and I do have everything handled. When you have a legitimate complaint and not just a gripe about our differing personalities, come back and see me. Until then, I'm going to be doing what I was born to do: rule Arendelle."

She met his glare with one of her own, her confident expression belying what she was feeling. Please leave, please leave me alone. I'm trying. But I need time. Her stomach was still churning, all her anxiety warring with the need to do better, to change for the better.

To change for Anna.

Benedict rose from his chair. "I'll be back."

"Not if I can help it." There was a spark starting inside her, a burning desire to prove him wrong – to prove everyone, including herself, wrong. She really wanted to do better now, it was a surprisingly persistent feeling that flared up unexpectedly and drove her forwards.

Maybe, with that very last door open, she had left the darkness behind and was finally starting to agree with her own thoughts again.

It was thrilling, and nauseating. Benedict left without a word, leaving Elsa sitting at her desk, with her chest heaving, because she was coming to the stunning realisation that recovery might be within her grasp. She wanted to change. She wanted her thoughts to change.

It wouldn't happen fast, and she assumed it wouldn't be easy, but she was willing to forge forward. She had stagnated on the road to recovery, lost in the many twists it had taken her on, but now she was ready to keep going.

She was ready to believe in magic again.

The churning in her stomach finally became too much to ignore, and Elsa bolted from her study, just barely making it to her bathroom before breakfast decided it would be better off facing the world without her. She let out a faint groan, because this was becoming far too much to handle.

She was so frustrated with herself, because everything was going right. Life was finally taking her on the right path, and she was still reacting as though the world was ending. Anna still loved her, despite everything. Anna was always going to be there for her. Elsa finally had the chance to be the older sister she had been dying to be for so many years.

But for some agonizing reason, even though the world made sense and life wasn't an endless curse, and being a Queen wasn't her own personal incarceration, she was still feeling slightly hollow inside.

She hadn't kept any food down in days; her stomach was aching all the time. She flopped into a rather undignified heap on the floor, breathing deeply, hands shaking ever so slightly.

What is wrong with me? She thought, blinking back unwelcome tears. Don't cry, not now, not when you've got everything going your way.

She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, resting her forehead on her knees and closing her eyes. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard.

But her body just wasn't agreeing with her. And that was worrying her, because it seemed like she was heading towards the slow, agonizing death that Anna feared so much.

"Get it together," she muttered. Don't break Anna's heart. You promised you would be here for her.

"Elsa?"

Elsa's head shot up, she glanced behind her to see Anna in the doorway, looking slightly pale, one hand held over her heart. "Hi."

"Are you . . . is everything . . . what . . ." Anna was stumbling for words, so afraid that she was walking in on a situation she didn't want to see. "I . . ."

"I'm fine," Elsa said, trying to sound reassuring and failing utterly. She gulped, because the blatant lie in her words made her feel sick again. Don't throw up in front of Anna.

"Are you getting sick again?" Anna asked. "Bae freaked out. I thought something had happened to you."

You thought I was going to hurt myself, because you've seen my demons and now they keep coming to you. Elsa hesitated. "Um . . ." You scared her. Her stomach heaved again, because she couldn't protect Anna from the rampant nightmares that had taken over her life. "I'm sorry."

"How long has this been going on?" Anna asked, tentatively coming a little bit closer. "How long has it been since you even ate?"

"I had breakfast."

"You don't have breakfast any more. It's past lunch. Come and eat."

"No, Anna," she said, bringing the back of her hand to her mouth, because the mere thought of trying to eat sent her into a panicked spiral. "No, no, please don't."

"I'm worried, Elsa," Anna said, sinking onto the floor next to her sister. "I . . . I know what you're capable of now."

"Do you really think I'll starve myself to death?"

Anna fixed her with such a glare that Elsa's question no longer sounded ludicrous.

Elsa sighed. "I'm sorry."

"We can have soup." Anna offered. "Maybe that'll be better. But . . . but I have to see you eat."

"You don't need to micromanage me, Anna." Elsa said, but she couldn't bring herself to look Anna in the eye when she said it.

"You said you wouldn't wish your life on me."

Elsa looked at her, surprised.

Anna's lips were pressed together in a thin line. "I don't want to live every day worrying about you. I don't want to wake up every morning and wonder if you'll wake up, too. I know you're getting better, no one else knows it as well as I do. But until you are . . . for a few weeks at least . . . I need to know these things. I need to see these things."

Elsa stared at her, guilt warring with the anxiety.

"We can't take a holiday together if you're not well."

Well, that was a conflict of interests, Elsa thought bitterly.

"Come and eat," Anna said softly, tugging on one of Elsa's wrists. "Please? Just a little bit."

You're scaring her. Elsa got to her feet; Anna didn't let her arm go. "Okay."

"Anyway, queens don't throw up."

"I don't have much choice in the matter," Elsa muttered darkly.

Anna slowed slightly in her mission of dragging Elsa to the kitchens. "I think you might." She spoke so quietly that Elsa wasn't sure if she had spoken.

"What?"

"I think you're too tense. You're freaking out over the littlest things, and obsessing about things, and not sleeping. I think your body is just . . . confused. And really, really stressed. Do you think . . . maybe that's part of it?" Anna bit her lip, eying Elsa as though the Queen might take offense.

Elsa took a moment to process all that, because it made so much sense. "I . . . perhaps."

"You need to learn to relax. I think that's the problem. For all of this. You don't know how to switch off."

Kai had given her a similar lecture.

"We're gonna have to find you some ways to chill," Anna continued, blissfully unaware that Elsa was making a face at her unintentional pun. "What relaxes you?"

Lately? Not a whole lot. Elsa finally extracted her wrist from Anna's grip, and tangled their hands together. "Spending time with you."

"That's a start," Anna said, throwing a grin over her shoulder. "After we've eaten, we'll just hang out."

Elsa couldn't quite muster a grin, but she did return the smile. "I'd like that."

As with last chapter, let me know if this seems really off and in need of a sober rewrite. Thank you.

SpicedGold