All Roads Lead Back to You (Chapter 10)
Author: rcruz
Disclaimer: If I owned them, things would look a lot different. The characters, settings, established histories, and general Grey's Anatomy universe referenced in this work are properties of their respective owners. This is a work of fiction for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Note: This is my least favorite chapter, probably because Erica isn't in it, but it had to be written.
Chapter 10 - ?
"So did you and Erica have fun catching up?"
Callie was charting near the nurse's station, chatting amiably with a few nurses. She turned at the sound of Arizona's voice and flashed a brief smile, before returning her attention to the charts.
"Yeah, we did. It was good."
Callie felt guilty about her little trip to the airport that morning. She knew Christina was aware that she had risen early, but she hadn't told her where she was going and Christina hadn't asked. Christina had no interest in Callie's comings and goings unless it impacted her, so no one really knew Callie had gone to meet Erica that morning like some lovesick school girl. That was exactly what it had felt like. She went because she had an insatiable need to see her and the thought that she would not be able to for two weeks was making her a little crazy.
And that was bad, very bad.
"So will I see you tonight?" asked Arizona pulling Callie out of her thoughts. Deciding to leave the topic of the airport alone, she signed the last chart and gave her girlfriend a bright smile.
"Yeah, of course. I mean if you want to. You know, unless you're tired."
Her head started spinning at Arizona's suggestion. She wanted to call Erica tonight. It was irrational she knew, but Erica's abrupt and unplanned departure six months ago had done something to her. It was the reason that she insisted that Erica walk with her to the resident's locker room when she first saw her and it was the reason she wanted desperately to talk to Erica tonight. The thought that the woman had just disappeared once was like a splinter buried deep in her hand. It bothered her and no amount of rationalization or reason could stop the pang of fear she felt that Erica would disappear again. It was probably why she had made the trip to the airport as well. She needed to know that Erica would come back. She needed to know that Erica was really only a phone call away, that her calls would not be ignored, her messages erased as if they had never been.
"No. Not tired. I've missed you." Arizona moved closer to her, placing a hand on Callie's back in a reassuring way.
"Are you tired?" Arizona asked.
"A little," replied Callie giving Arizona a weak smile and trying not to think of how different it felt when Erica was in her space.
She put the chart down and turned around facing Arizona. "Why don't you give me an hour or so after my shift is over to just get a little rest in an empty on-call room and then I'll meet you at Joe's? We can grab a bite and see where the night takes us."
Arizona smiled, seemingly pleased with the plan. "Will that be the first time it's actually used for sleeping?"
Callie laughed involuntarily fully aware that she was no stranger to on-call room sex. She had not engaged in those activities since...Erica left. She became wistful again and looked at the floor.
Arizona stepped into her space and gave her a light peck.
"I'll see you tonight, okay?" She turned around and made her way back to Peds.
Callie picked up her charts and walked away, feeling good about her plan. It had all worked out except that...well except that she was lying to Arizona or at the very least not telling her the whole truth. She had no intention of sleeping in the on-call room. Her hands dropped to the pocket of her lab coat, feeling for her phone and willing herself to not look at it. Erica could not have landed yet. She sighed. It was easier when she was around Erica. She didn't feel guilty when she was around Erica. Right now, she felt guilty. But she and Erica weren't doing anything wrong. They were just talking. They both really needed to re-establish their friendship. Sure it could look like something else to Arizona, but that was so not the case. She told herself, there was really no need to share every little detail of her relationship with Erica. It would hurt Arizona and she didn't want to do that.
Erica's call came in a few minutes after her plane was scheduled to land. Callie had purposely made her way to the somewhat secluded part of the hospital where Yang and the rest of the residents had hung out when they had been interns. She was working diligently on more charts when the phone rang. She smiled as she saw the familiar name on her screen.
"Hey, so you made it huh?"
"Safe and sound and even on time."
"Great. Thanks for calling."
"Were you really worried? It's a pretty routine flight."
"I always worry. Don't' really like planes."
"Well I need to learn to like them for the next six months."
"I guess I need to stop being such a freak about them then, if you're going to be on them all the time."
She heard Erica's soft chuckle and decided she really liked that sound.
"So when do you come in next? Do you have a date?'
"No. It's on my list of things to do this morning. I'll ask the secretary to make all the plans."
"But you'll let me know right? Or should I ask for your secretary's email?"
Erica laughed, "No, I'll let you know. Listen Cal, I have a car waiting and I am apparently not coordinated enough to carry my bags and talk on the phone, so I'm going to have to let you go."
"Yeah, I was just charting while I waited for your call. I should go and check on some patients."
They were both silent not really wanting to get off the phone.
"Will you..."
"Can I..."
They both talked over each other and then laughed.
"You first," said Erica.
"Can I call you tonight? I won't have that much time, but I'd like to talk for a bit."
"I would love that. I have to go to the hospital and check on some things, but I have no surgeries scheduled so I should be home early."
"Okay, I'll call you around eight, so don't go anywhere."
"I'll have my phone with me. Go and be a doctor."
Callie laughed lightly. "Bye Erica."
"Bye Cal.
Callie put the phone down. She took a moment to give her heart a chance to calm down. Now that it was over, she could relax. She realized, as she gathered the charts and made her way out of the deserted hallway that she had been afraid. She was afraid that she would never receive that call; that Erica would once again disappear on her. But she hadn't and they were scheduled to talk again that night.
She smiled as she reached the bridge connecting two wings of the hospital with a magnificent view of the mountains and stopped in the middle noticing how beautiful and open it was.
Yep, her life was definitely good right now.
She walked into Joe's later than she had planned and very tired. She was not lying to Arizona when she told her she was tired and she hoped Arizona would not notice that she really hadn't slept. Her mind went wistfully back to her conversation with Erica as she pushed food around on her plate.
Erica picked up the phone in one ring, which brought a smile to Callie's face. They talked for over an hour, just decompressing and sharing their day, the funny stories, the annoying people, and the interesting cases. She was conscious of the time and as the hour crept ever closer, Callie was starting to get annoyed with time. What was it with these short stretches of time she seemed to have with Erica? She had only had an hour this morning as well. Callie was reluctant to end the conversation, but she knew Arizona was waiting for her.
Now she was here with Arizona, tired as hell and not really wanting to be there at all, which made her feel even crappier. Arizona didn't deserve this.
"Are you still tired, baby?"
"Yeah" Callie sipped her drink wanting it to give her some energy. She was struggling. She had felt completely awake and energized as she was talking to Erica, but that charge of adrenaline had left her more haggard and tired.
"I guess the nap just made me more tired," she lied.
Arizona rubbed her back and then slipped out of her chair and placed her hands on Callie's shoulders. She dug in with competent skill trying to ease the tension Callie was sure she could feel there.
"Thank you," she said and tried to lose herself in her girlfriend's touch. But it was hard. She kept re-playing her conversation with Erica, inane as it had been.
Finally giving up, she reached for Arizona's hands and encouraged her to sit. She had only eaten half of her burger and completely ignored the fries. Only Arizona had picked at them having had a salad before Callie arrived.
"I think I just need to go home and get some rest," announced Callie.
Arizona looked away momentarily. When her gaze returned, her eyes were flashing and she had a full out grin on her face, but the smile seemed forced.
"Why don't you come back to my place and I'll give you a complete rub down. Ease the tensions and make it easier for you to sleep."
Callie really just wanted to go home, but she saw the doubt in Arizona's eyes before she turned away. She seriously needed to work out whatever was going on with her, but she would not be doing that tonight. Tonight she needed to put some time in with Arizona, no matter how uncomfortable that was starting to make her feel.
"Yeah, that sounds great," said Callie as she grabbed her girlfriend's hand. "Let's get out of here before I pass out."
They were in separate cars. Arizona suggested they drive together and that she could simply drop Callie off in the morning, but Callie was not scheduled to start until later in the day. She told Arizona that she would prefer having her own car so she could go home early the next morning and take care of some things that she had been neglecting.
Arizona did not argue the point further and made her way to her car waving at Callie before saying "Fine. I'll meet you there."
Callie slumped a little. She was pissing off Arizona, which was not what she wanted to do. Frustrated by the situation, she went in search of her own car.
The evening was nice and once she was at Arizona's place she felt a welcome comfort that seemed to keep guilty thoughts of her and Erica at bay. She let Arizona be Arizona and pamper her and it felt good. True to her word, Arizona did rub out all her tension and in no time at all she fell asleep.
She woke the next morning to the smell of bacon. She stumbled out to the kitchen having thrown on last night's clothes quickly.
"Whatever that is smells good," she said as she tried to gather her hair in a ponytail.
"Just bacon and eggs," said Arizona turning around and walking over to her. She put her arms on Callie's shoulders and looked at her.
"I noticed you didn't eat much last night, so I thought you might need something substantial this morning."
Callie smiled. Arizona was very, very sweet.
"Looks marvelous," she said.
Callie gave her a quick peck before pulling away and turning to the plates Arizona had set out, but Arizona clung to her as she tried to pull away, her hands still on Callie's waist. Callie looked at her confused. She brought her hands to Arizona's and nudged her off gently. Arizona resisted the nonverbal clue at first and hung on to Callie for a few seconds more, staring at her before finally relenting and letting Callie go.
They sat down and an awkward silence seemed to descend on them. Callie broke it by apologizing profusely for falling dead asleep so quickly and complimenting Arizona on the breakfast a number of times. It was as if that was all Callie had to say to her.
"I get it," said Arizona in a frustrated tone as she began to clear the dishes. "You like the breakfast. You're welcome."
"Wait a minute," said Callie helping clear the table. "Aren't you supposed to be at the hospital this morning?"
Arizona was at the sink, her back to Callie. She waited a few seconds before answering.
"I got someone to cover rounds for me this morning." She turned around and leaned against the sink that held their breakfast dishes. "I missed you. I thought maybe we could spend the morning together."
Callie's stomach dropped. This should have been perfect. A week ago she would have welcomed the chance to spend time with Arizona. Today, she just wanted to go home and think about what was going on with her.
"Please," said Arizona softly.
Callie heard the plea in Arizona's voice as she spoke the word.
Put your stuff aside for now, Torres. They'll be plenty of time to deal with it later. In fact, she had exactly two weeks to deal with it.
"That sounds great," she said giving Arizona a full smile.
Taking a deep breath and putting aside her own discomfort, she walked over to Arizona and kissed her, full on the mouth, bodies touching all throughout their length.
Arizona responded immediately. Her arms wrapped themselves around Callie and she could not stifle the moan of relief she felt as Callie kissed her.
They kissed for a few minutes, until both were out of breath, their breaths coming uneven and labored. They parted.
"Thank you," said Arizona. "I was beginning to worry."
But Callie was in full panic mode and didn't really hear her. She did not open her eyes after the kiss ended. She had been imagining Erica the whole time and that meant big trouble. She felt Arizona lean into her for another kiss and abruptly backed out of her embrace, taking Arizona's hand and leading her to the couch.
"So what do you want to do this morning?" she asked as she sat, not knowing exactly how to deal with the weirdness of that kiss.
"Well definitely more of that," said Arizona sitting herself practically on top of Callie.
Callie unconsciously moved over.
"We'll save that for later," Callie responded. "What do you want to do now?"
Arizona looked towards the kitchen wistfully. She was silent for a minute before she turned to face Callie. She placed her hand on Callie's knee before looking her in the face.
"Why don't we sit here and talk?"
"Sit here and talk?" asked Callie.
Arizona nodded her head. Callie smiled at her, relieved. She could do that.
"Okay. About what?"
"Well I asked you yesterday about your time with Erica. Why don't you tell me how that was?"
Callie gave her a smile she hoped didn't convey how nervous that topic made her.
"I told you yesterday. It was great. We um...made real...um progress." She hated that she was stammering.
Arizona continued to stare at her. "You know you've never shared the story. I heard rumors, but I don't think you've every really shared the whole story of what happened with the two of you. Why don't you tell me now?"
Callie hoped she didn't look as scared as she felt, but Arizona had given her an easy alternative. She was more comfortable talking about what had happened then what was currently happening.
"Okay," she said, grabbing Arizona's hand.
She told her everything. How she had talked to Mark instead of Erica after their "first time". How she slept with Mark in a misguided effort to be "good at it". How she freaked out at every stage. How Erica told her she was her glasses only to have Callie run out on her and sleep with Mark again. How she confessed her sins and then defended Stephens. How she made mistake after mistake with Erica and how Erica finally just left. How devastated she felt at losing her because Erica hadn't just been a lover, she was a friend and how she needed that friendship back.
She was crying by the end of it, conscious of how her behavior sounded strung together like that. Arizona was still holding her hand, but remained silent. Callie tried to compose herself, wiping away tears and willing her facial muscles to stop contorting weirdly and just return to normal.
Still Arizona was silent.
"So, that's it," said Callie finally daring to look at her.
"Okay," responded Arizona and Callie almost lost it.
Arizona was not pleased. She sat alone in her living room. Her girlfriend was across town, too "tired" to come over. They had consumed a meal together with Little Grey and Mark tagging along, but Callie rebuffed her request that they end the night at Arizona's apartment. So she was sitting alone, the TV on mute, flashing picture after picture at her, its harsh light making her face appear hard.
Stupid!
She had known where this would end and yet she embarked on it anyway hoping she was wrong. There were patterns to relationships and those patterns were recognizable. For example, no one ever married the girl they came out for. That always ended badly or if not badly, it most definitely ended. Sure there were stories about women who ultimately ended up with the woman they had come out for, but those were just urban legends or some lesbian version of an urban myth. That was not how things really worked.
She had resisted Callie at first, because she knew how these things worked. Girls new to the club were not relationship material. Girls rebounding from their first lesbian relationship were just not the girl one ended up with forever. Most have a hard time getting over the ex and are kind of questioning whether they're really gay or if it was just that one girl. You become the person they use to figure it all out. But you also become a substitute for that first failed relationship or worse a way of proving they are really over the ex. Eventually the relationship becomes a disappointment for both parties. It either becomes clear that the person is not gay or they really move on and no longer need the substitute. She recognized it in Callie and tried to resist what had started happening to her when they met.
She had been right. Sure it looked a little different. Callie had never hesitated in getting involved with her, pursued her even, which seemed to suggest she was okay with the gay thing. She assumed Callie was over her ex, because frankly Callie never talked about her. There was mention of her only once in their relationship. More importantly, this was not a substitute for a relationship that had barely existed. What she and Callie had was more substantive. But the train wreck was coming. She wanted to think she could do something to stop it. But the fact was that this didn't seem to be about her and Callie. Somehow, this didn't involve her at all. It was all Callie and Erica. There was no room for her in whatever they were working out. She wasn't Erica and unless she could magically turn into her, this was going to end in a train wreck for her.
She sighed. It was not like her to leave things unsaid, to roll over and just let things happen, but that was exactly what she was doing. She said nothing when Callie insisted on spending her every free moment with Erica when Erica was in town. She said nothing when Callie stopped wanting to spend any nights with her. Certainly spending an entire night had been rare in the two months they had been dating. But while in the past that had not meant 'no sex,' now that was exactly what it meant.
She said nothing when she realized that Callie was making up excuses to find time to be by herself. Callie wasn't a loner. Her entreaties like, "I'll catch up with you in thirty minutes" or "give me an hour to rest and then I'll stop by Joe's" were suspicious at the least. She said nothing when Callie poured out the whole story that had been her and Erica.
She said nothing because she didn't want to voice what she was thinking, did not want to actualize the idea that had seemed so impossible a week ago, when things had been easy and safe and absolutely solid between her and Callie. A week ago, there was no Erica Hahn. Erica Hahn was a bleep in her partner's history, a harsh introduction to a new lifestyle that Callie had only recently learned to accept - with Arizona. Callie and Arizona were the future and the future was what mattered.
So she remained silent, saying nothing, willing Erica Hahn to disappear just like she had before. But it was not happening. Her unwillingness to voice what she suspected had no impact on reality. It was happening anyway. She now knew why Callie was so concerned with carving out alone time. She was talking to Erica. She was talking to Erica a lot.
She was able to recognize now when Callie was talking to Erica on the phone. Callie usually took the time to move down the hall away from her colleagues or interns, hiding, Arizona realized, in plain sight. She had it confirmed today.
Arizona and Callie walked in to work together. It was the first time they had spent any significant time together since the morning Callie poured out the whole Callie and Erica saga. Arizona had not known what to say to Callie after her emotional outpouring. She had just hugged her and told her everything would be fine. The subtle shift in their relationship from rock solid lovers to tenuous and nervous friends happened shortly after. They hadn't acknowledged it, but it didn't matter. It was happening and Arizona felt helpless to stop it.
They had met for coffee early, at Arizona's insistence. Callie had been thwarting her attempts at spending time alone and Arizona was just about done with that. She needed to spend time with Callie, remind her of all the reasons they had gotten together in the first place. But the morning coffee date did nothing to alleviate Arizona's fears and anxiety about what was happening.
Callie's awkwardness that morning made Arizona extremely nervous. She was trying hard not to panic, not to give too much thought to the possibility that her girlfriend, the woman she was in love with, was actually in love with someone else. Callie's phone rang as they walked in. Callie retrieved the phone from her pocket with fumbling fingers, eyes glancing at Arizona nervously before the caller ID identified the caller. Callie's entire face changed. She excused herself and walked down the hall, away from Arizona.
The conversation was short, under a minute Arizona noted. Callie returned and told her it was Erica.
"We're um…you know, I mean... We're trying to talk, get our friendship back on track." She chuckled a bit as she put the phone back in her purse. "It can get kind of hard when she's in another state."
They continued to walk. Arizona remained silent, processing this new bit of information, noting the language Callie used.
We're trying to talk? Does that mean this is not the first conversation they've had over the phone?
"I mean, when she was here...it was easy, you know. She was here, we could talk and have lunch, but with her being there and me being here, it makes it hard." Callie stopped abruptly, placing a hand on Arizona's arm, effectively stopping all motion.
"Is this okay with you? Us, you know, talking?" She waited for Arizona to answer.
Arizona looked away momentarily before responding.
"Would it make a difference?" she asked.
"Of course! I mean, the thing is..." Callie was starting to stammer again. "She's my friend and I screwed up and now I feel like I'm getting this second chance and I don't want to screw it up again."
Arizona just listened silently wondering exactly what Callie wanted a second chance at.
"So you have to be okay with me talking to her...and spending time with her."
"Your friend?" Arizona asked.
"Yes my friend." Callie's voice sharpened.
"Your friend," repeated Arizona softening the words and erasing the implied question.
"I don't have a problem with you talking to your friend," she said evenly trying not to emphasize the word friend, trying hard to remain calm.
"But," she added. "I don't want to come in second to your friend either, Callie. I don't want to be dumped the moment she sets foot in Seattle. I don't want to have to beg for time with you."
She stepped closer, completely occupying Callie's personal space and reached up to cup Callie's cheek with her hand, searching Callie's eyes, wanting to communicate the depth of feelings she felt for Callie, wanting Callie to feel their connection.
Callie's eyes flickered, she blinked and her eyes became unfocused. Arizona stepped back.
"Is that what's going to happen?" she asked perplexed.
Callie was silent. Arizona started to walk again and Callie followed.
"I don't know," Callie blurted out nervously.
Callie was trying to be honest, Arizona thought. She was trying to prepare her. Callie was probably not even aware that she was indeed preparing her.
"I just...look, right now everything is so new and kind of fragile between me and Erica and I think we just need time. We...our friendship took a big hit and that's not going to be repaired with a quick two hour dinner. We need to re-establish trust and that takes time. Quality time. I need you to understand that."
They reached the elevator and stopped.
"So that's a yes," said Arizona as they waited for the elevator. "When Erica comes into town, I can pretty much forget about spending time with you."
"Of course not. I'll still see you here. Erica won't be here, she'll be at Mercy."
The elevator doors opened and Arizona briskly stepped in. Something had just clicked and she wondered if she was ready to have her suspicions confirmed. She made her decision as the elevator doors closed. They were, miraculously, alone. She turned.
"So is Erica planning to be back soon? Is she starting at Mercy? How often exactly will she be in Seattle?"
"She's going to be starting at Mercy soon, but she was asked to give San Francisco another six months. Mercy really wants her to start her new position, so she's making a couple of trips out here every month."
Arizona hadn't expected this. The whole time she was thinking she would have to contend with Erica Hahn maybe a few times a year, but Callie's statement seemed to suggest she would be in the area a lot.
The ding signaling their floor was a welcome sound. Arizona wanted to end this conversation. She had to stop thinking about this.
Once off the elevator, Arizona turned to Callie and put her hand on Callie's chest, just patting the place that held her heart. "I don't mind if you call her. She's your friend. Friends talk. It's fine." Then she turned and walked away, wanting to leave her love life in the elevator, wanting not to think about what she had just heard.
Later that morning she had been a reluctant witness to one of Callie and Erica's phone calls. Well not exactly a witness since she couldn't hear the conversation. She knew it was Erica by the way Callie's face changed when she saw the caller ID. It was the same expression that had been on her face that morning. How many times was this woman calling anyway? Callie excused herself and walked down the hall and out of hearing range.
But even if Arizona had not witnessed Callie's reaction to the caller ID, she would have known who Callie was talking to. It was Callie's body that gave her away. It seemed to move differently. It was more fluid, almost sensual. She held the phone close to her face, but her grip was completely relaxed. She glided and swayed in the narrow confines of the hallway with an easy motion. At one point she casually leaned on the wall, her pose open and inviting. She smiled a lot. It lacked the hurried, rushed motions that usually characterized Callie's phone manners, especially when she was at the hospital. Even when Callie's brother called, a person she laughed with a lot, her motions were more pointed. She walked quickly, or if she was stationary, her hands were in motion, the hand holding the phone gripped it firmly, her tones loud, rhythmic, almost clipped. But even from a distance, she could tell that Callie's demeanor was soft, completely open and welcoming. She turned away, not wanting to see the confirmation of what she had been ignoring since the moment she heard Erica Hahn was in the hospital. She was losing Callie.
She sat in her living room now. Callie was across town at her place. She tried not to think about what she was doing right now, tried not to picture her on the phone again. Instead she focused on what she had to do. She and Callie were right. She knew that. She had to convince Callie of that. But how do you compete with Erica Hahn? Even at the start of everything, Erica seemed to play a role in her relationship with Callie, although the name itself was mentioned only once. Cryptic references to prior experiences and mistakes infused her and Callie's relationship at the start, but Arizona had not known the depth of their involvement. How could she?
Arizona thought Callie and Erica had been together mere weeks and even those few were mired in drama. Callie had not been specific. She just related the fact that it was hard and weird and contained too much drama. Callie left out the part about how intense she and Erica had been. How the brief involvement seemed to consume them both and how the no-big deal brief introduction to girl love left a big gaping hole in Callie. That part she hadn't known until Callie's emotional outpouring.
The easy thing would be to walk away. Let Callie figure her shit out on her own. But she had never taken the easy route and she wasn't convinced that walking away without making an effort was something she could do, even if the effort was doomed to fail. She loved Callie. She thought Callie loved her. They were good together. They worked. There was no drama, no emotional turmoil. They had had their moments as a couple, but it wasn't emotional hell. She knew Callie, Callie knew her and all they had to do is talk through things to resolve issues. Callie needed a calming force in her life, not someone who would feed the freak-out monster in her.
Erica Hahn was not a calming influence. She stirred something up in Callie that made her way too emotional, too invested, to open and vulnerable, too prone to get hurt and hurt someone.
So she had to try, right? She had to at least try.
She sighed and reached for the remote, flicking the TV off and getting up reluctantly. Perhaps things would look better tomorrow.