Little Red Corvette
I turn around and march out of the bakery like a heartbroken zombie. I drive across the city, park outside my house, and stumble out of my car. I fish out my keys, unlocked my front door, strip myself of all my dirty clothes and socks and shoes in my living room, and go upstairs for a long hot shower. I walk a dead man's walk. I cry a grown man's tears. I scrub myself squeaky clean. I wash my hair and brush my teeth. I stand in front of the mirror, and my reflection weeps with me. I dry my furry body. I rub a whole bottle of baby lotion into my dark Italian skin. I let out a long, ragged sigh. My loyal orange dog Bob yelps twice and howls under the kitchen sink. I climb into my cold lonely bed, close my puffy swollen eyes, and cry myself to sleep. I toss and turn in my dark, disturbing dream. I moan and groan and yell and scream as a bunch of deformed monsters snarl and chase me around. And I finally scare myself awake.
It is such a bright sunny day. I sit up in my bed, feeling sad, small, and desperate. A bird sings outside in a tree, as if mocking me. A breeze dances through my window and laughs in my ears. Sorrow and pain snicker behind my back. Bob has stopped whimpering. I think I can hear him chewing my 500 dollar tie. Like a pair of assassins loneliness and depression stab me right in my chest. I wrap my arms around myself. I start rocking back and forth. Why is my heart still beating? Why am I still breathing? Why is my brain still functioning? When oh when will I stop suffering? Why can't I be happy? I just want to spend the rest of my life with Stephanie. I just want to be the father of our 12 beautiful children. I just want to smile proudly and make people envy. I just want to walk around the Burg with my head high and a smug on my face.
But now the woman I love and need and want, my Cupcake, my sweet fluffy angel Stephanie, the sole light of my life, the only reason of my existence, is wearing Ranger's loud, flashy diamond ring...
But now the future Grandma of my tens of dozens of grandchildren, my Cupcake, my lovely playful snowy white kitten Stephanie, the answer of my prayer, the salvation of my soul, is carrying Ranger's baby...
No no no it can't be true. No no no there must be a mistake...Will the child have her eyes? Will the child have her smile? Will the child have her wild, unruly curls? Will the child have her Hungarian-Italian hot violent temper? Will the child be a boy? Will the child be a girl? Will the child grow up and learn how to kick me in my ribs like his/her mother does? Will the child have Ranger's silky smooth straight hair? Will the child have Ranger's flawless Mocha Latte skin? Will the child have Ranger's midnight dark brown eyes? Will the child have Ranger's beautiful, enchanting smile? Will the child grow up and learn to raise a perfect brow a tiny little fraction and scare the hell out of me like Ranger does?
OMG! They are not having twins, are they? Identical little boys... Identical little girls...Identical little boy and girl...And they should be mine. They should call me Dad. They should have my last name. They should have my lazy melted chocolate eyes. They should have my charming, slightly crooked smile. They should have my off-white uneven teeth. They should have my garlic breath. They should have my furry arms, legs, backs, butt, and chest. They should be mine, mine, MINE!
NO! I won't give up. No! I have to try. This is my life. This is my happiness. This is my dream. I can't just let go without putting on a fight. I can't live without Stephanie. She is my redemption. She is my salvation. She is my saving grace. She is my breath of life. I need to have her by my side. I need her to chase away the darkness and light up my path. This is a war I have to fight. This is the chance I have to take. I can't just admit my defeat and walk away. I can't. I won't. I shall not budge—
All of a sudden my bedside phone starts ringing. I nearly jump out of my skin and almost fall out of bed. I run a shaky hand through my still wet hair. I take an unsteady breath to calm myself. "Hello?" I pick up the phone and gingerly say. My mother's tight, controlled voice thunders in my ear:
"Joseph Anthony Morelli! Stop making those terrible, silly noises! You are annoying your neighbors!They can hear you from across the street! And why are you still in bed? Don't you have to work? Do you want to get fired? Do you want to lose your badge and become a pizza guy or a mall security guard? Get out of bed right now and go to work. Now! Come over for dinner tonight. I want you to meet someone. And stop bothering Stephanie Plum. Do you hear me? Mrs. Nesta, Mrs. Baggio, Mrs. Beckham and everybody else all told me her husband, that Ranger, is going to kill you if you don't stop stalking her! I didn't raise you and bring you up to be a shameless creepy stalker! They said he's going to chop you up and feed you to the fish and no one will ever find your dead body. Joseph! Did you hear me? You are not still asleep, are you? Don't make me go over to your house and slap you awake! Joseph! Hello? Are you listening? You'd better be listening to me..."
My mind goes blank. My head start to spin. My eardrum screams. I wince. I cringe. I can taste bile in my mouth. I try to speak but can't make a sound. No no no no no no no. My mother has arranged another blind date for me. I hope she's not trying to hook me up with that horrible, horrible woman, Joyce Barnhardt...Oh the woe! Oh the fear! How I wish my Cupcake, my Stephanie is here to cuddle me in her slender arms and tell me everything is going to be alright...
But now she's carrying Ranger's child...