.
Episode Ten
The "There Ain't No Justice" Reconfiguration
Updated 4/17/2015
=ooo=
April 1, 2015
Howard and Bernadette's Apartment—
"That was a great dinner, Bernie," Howard said as he settled down on the couch, patting his stomach. "I feel like I couldn't eat another bite all night."
"Right," Bernadette said. "Just remember that when you get up in the middle of the night to sneak a few Oreos."
Howard looked over his shoulder with a grin (albeit a guilty one). "What—what makes you think I sneak Oreos in the middle of the night?"
"Oh, maybe it's the crumbs and milk I find on the counter top in the morning," she said matter-of-factly as she joined him on the couch. "You know, if you took ten seconds to clean up after yourself, the only way I'd know you were sneaking cookies would be by counting them every night."
"Come on, I don't do it that often," Howard argued. "Or maybe it's because I miss Ma bringing cookies and milk to my bedroom at night."
"Howie, we've been married almost three years," Bernadette reminded him. "I know your mother's dead, but do you think you could turn down the grieving son thing a bit? When she was alive you constantly made jokes about her dying!"
"I know, I know," Howard said contritely. "Look, I'm sorry! I'll try to stop bringing up the fact that she's dead and I'll never see her again, okay?"
"Thank you," Bernadette said sweetly. She stood, going into the kitchen. "I'll wash the dishes tonight, you dry, okay?"
"Okay," Howard agreed, a bit reluctantly.
"And tonight means tonight," she added, warningly. "No getting up at six am to put everything away still half wet."
"Fine," Howard said. He wondered if there was something he could rig up to dry the dishes more quickly. Maybe a hair dryer on an oscillating platform—?
The doorbell to the apartment rang. "I'll get it," Howard said, then stood and walked to the door. "Who is it?" he asked before opening the door. It was just past 8 pm, a little late for unexpected guests.
"Howard, it's your mother," a familiar raspy voice responded. Howard froze for a moment, all the color draining from his face. How could this be?
"Ma…?" he muttered, yanking open the door. Outside stood Sheldon Cooper, a small recorder/playback device in his hand. Next to him was Amy Farrah Fowler, a pained expression on her face.
"April fool!" Sheldon said, a broad, uncharacteristic grin on his face. "Were you fooled?" he asked Howard. "I recorded your mother's voice once, and I just remembered today was the only chance I'd have to use it for another year."
"Sheldon," Howard said, shocked and upset. "Don't you remember, my mother's dead!" He turned and walked away from the door.
"I know," Sheldon said. "That's why this is an April fool's joke—you wouldn't expect her to show up at your door." He walked into the apartment, Amy following him.
"Sorry," Amy said. "I tried to talk him out of it."
"Sheldon!" Bernadette came into the living room looking furious. "That was a very inappropriate joke to play on my husband!"
"Well, what could I do?" Sheldon looked mystified. "I didn't have any recordings of Howard's father, who's still alive, as far as I know." Howard threw up his hands upon hearing that.
"That wouldn't have been appropriate, either!" Bernadette said crossly. "You know Howard's father left him when he was only eleven!"
"What are you doing here anyway?" Howard demanded.
"Sorry, that's my fault," Amy said. "Bernadette told me you were going to have a garage sale at your mother's house starting tomorrow, and I thought I would see if I could help in any way." She looked at Sheldon. "Sheldon asked to ride along. I didn't know he was planning an April Fool's prank on you."
"Well, that's very nice of you," Howard said, his anger mollified by Amy's generous offer. He looked at Sheldon. "You're not planning on helping, are you?"
"As much as I would enjoy helping," Sheldon said. "Leonard and I have are traveling to Berkeley tomorrow, to give a lecture on the paper we wrote together."
"Aw, too bad you won't be here," Howard said sarcastically.
"Well, I could let Leonard go to Berkeley alone…" Sheldon pondered. Both Howard and Bernadette paled, thinking about Sheldon making a shambles of their garage sale. "Bazinga! I can't stay, Leonard would be helpless without me there with him."
=ooo=
Leonard was putting the phone back in its cradle as Sheldon and Amy walked into apartment 4A. "Oh, Sheldon," Leonard said. "That was the landlord calling. He said a water main broke and the building's going to be without water until sometime tomorrow afternoon."
"Without water?" Sheldon gasped. He ran over to the kitchen and turned on the kitchen sink faucet. Nothing happened. He turned and ran into the bathroom.
"Sheldon—" Leonard began.
"How will I brush my teeth tonight?" Sheldon voice came from the hallway, frantic.
"Sheldon, listen—"
"How will I take a shower? How will I move my bowels tomorrow at 8:20 am? Oh, this is a nightmare!" Sheldon was running back and forth across the apartment, trying to figure out what to do first. Leonard and Amy watched him finally run to the refrigerator and start pulling out water bottles. "These are mine! I call dibs!" he said, his arms full. He started back down the hallway.
"Sheldon, I forgot to tell you something!" Leonard called out. Sheldon stopped, turning to look at him.
"What?" he demanded.
"April fool," Leonard said, smiling. Amy chuckled.
"April fool?" Sheldon looked incensed. "Leonard, that's not funny!"
"Sheldon, you just tried to make Howard think his mother was still alive," Amy pointed out. "Actually, by comparison, this was pretty funny."
"Amy!"
"Sorry, Sheldon," Leonard said, with an apologetic shrug. "Howard called me and told me the joke you pulled on him. He asked me to pull an April Fool joke on you for him. I just went down and turned off the water to our apartment."
"Well I don't know what made you think that was funny," Sheldon scolded. "Water is essential for our existence, Leonard—pretending it's shut off is no laughing matter!" He opened the refrigerator and shoved the water bottles back inside, then stalked off to his room to sulk.
"Sorry, Sheldon," Leonard called out as he left. "I'll remember that in the future." He glanced at Amy and they shared a smile together.
"I remember being the butt of several April Fool's jokes when I was in school," Amy said, after Sheldon had left.
"Oh, that's too bad," Leonard said sympathetically.
"It's fine," Amy replied, no emotion in her voice. "It was better than the rest of the time, when the only people who talked to me were the janitor and the security man, who kept finding me locked in the supply closet."
"Why were you locked in there?" Leonard asked, curiously.
"Oh, I used to lock myself in there so I would have time to get my homework done," Amy explained. "Well, I should be going," she said, turning and walking out the door.
Leonard shook his head and sat down in his chair, picking up the remote to turn on the TV.
The apartment door opened again and Amy announced, "April Fool!" startling Leonard and making him drop the remote. "I don't really have to go now," Amy said, coming back in and sitting on the couch. Leonard stared at her for several seconds, then shook his head and picked up the remote. He turned on the TV and they sat there for some time, watching an infomercial for ten-minutes abs.
"Leonard, are you looking forward to your trip to Berkeley tomorrow with Sheldon?" Amy asked, turning toward him.
"More and more every minute," Leonard said.
=ooo=
April 9, 2015
Leonard and Sheldon's apartment—
Penny opened the door to 4A and stepped in, hoping Leonard wasn't too upset to talk to her. "Sweetie, I wasn't really trying to play you like Wil said—" she abruptly stopped, trying to figure out what she was seeing.
Where the couch was normally located there was—something. It looked sort of like a whirlwind had torn through a linen closet. There were blankets and bedsheets hanging everywhere. From somewhere inside it came Amy's voice.
"Hi, bestie. How do you like our fort?"
"Is that what it is?" Penny asked, smiling. "I thought maybe Sheldon was trying to keep everyone off the couch."
"Well, that was part of it," Sheldon's voice admitted. "But mostly I just wanted to build a fort of my very own. You know, I'm tempted to send my brother and sister a picture, just so they'll know what they're missing out on."
"Yeah, that'll show 'em," came Leonard's voice.
"Leonard are you in there?" Penny asked. "Seriously?"
"Yes," Leonard said, in a small voice. A pause, then: "Sheldon invited me in."
"Well, it must be very cozy in there with the three of you," she said. "Sweetie," she added, to Leonard. "I'll be back in my apartment when you get done playing Physicists and Indians."
"I can come out—" Leonard began.
"Oh no," Penny said quickly, heading to the door. "You all have fun." She rolled her eyes as she stepped out of the apartment.
Closing the door, she started across the hallway, only to find a tall man leaning on her door, watching her and smiling. It was her father, Wyatt!
"Daddy!" Penny squealed excitedly, running to him. She hugged him tightly.
"Hi, Penny," Wyatt said, hugging her back. "It's good to see you again!"
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" Penny asked as she stepped back.
"I wanted it to be a surprise," Wyatt said. "A friend of mine was transporting some equipment from Kansas City to Los Angeles, and he asked if I would come along. Well, since my retirement your mom is always happy to get me out of the house, so…" Wyatt looked over at 4A. "Say, is Leonard home? I want to congratulate you both on your impending nuptials."
"Oh—" Penny moved quickly between her father and the door to 4A. "He's pretty busy with a, um, project right now. We can go over later."
"Alright," Wyatt agreed, as she unlocked the door to her apartment. He followed her inside. "I know it's late," he said. "But have you eaten yet?"
"No," Penny replied. Doing a podcast on Serial Ape-ist 2 with Wil Wheaton, having Kevin Smith call in and offer her an audition for Clerks 3, and getting into an argument with Leonard over her pharma rep job and money, she had worked up a bit of an appetite tonight. "I have spaghetti in the fridge I can heat up for us," she suggested.
"Or, I can take you out for a steak," Wyatt countered. "Whatever you want."
"Well," Penny smiled. "I can't turn down an offer like that. Let's go."
As they started down the stairs Wyatt looked back at 4A again. "Do you think we should ask Leonard if he'd like to go?"
"Nah," Penny said, continuing to walk down. "Let him get his own steak. I want a chance to talk to my dad." Wyatt chuckled and followed his daughter down the stairs.
=ooo=
The nearest steakhouse was only a couple of miles away. Penny drove since her father said he'd taken a taxi to her apartment. The hostess seated them and their server took their orders in between Wyatt's stories about what had been going on at home since his last visit.
There was really only one subject Penny wanted to talk about with him, but she didn't want to bring it up. Last July she'd been visited by her grandfather Maurice, who had told her that her father had been born in 1862 and was almost 153 years old. He'd also told Penny that she was a witch, but that her powers were being suppressed by a condition called Latent Magic Syndrome. Fortunately there was a treatment for it, and she'd been cured and gained magical powers. Since then, she had been learning witchcraft, while at the same time trying to keep from telling people. She'd told Amy shortly after she became a witch and Amy promptly forgot she ever knew Penny. She managed to get a potion that gave Amy her memories of Penny back, but only Leonard, her fiancé, knew that she was a witch. And, well, she'd told Bernadette one night when she'd had too much to drink, but Bernadette didn't forget her. And Bernadette had told Sheldon, who hadn't forgotten either. But Amy, Howard and Raj were still in the dark about it.
Their food finally arrived, and Wyatt dug into his steak with relish, continuing to talk as he did so. "Anyway," he was saying between mouthfuls of steak, "your brother is finally out of rehab again. Your mom and I think he's going to make it this time," he said confidently. "He's even talking about going to live in Colorado."
"Really," Penny said. She wondered if her father had heard about the recent changes in the marijuana laws in Colorado. "So, Daddy, has anything else interesting happened at home in the last year or so?" she asking, offering him a subtle chance to come clean with her.
"Oh, it's mostly the same-old, same-old," Wyatt said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Your mom's been riding me to get another job, but I kind of like being retired. I'm thinking I can come out here to visit you more often."
"I'd like that," Penny beamed.
"So how many kids are you and Leonard planning to have?" he asked.
"Daddy!" Penny folded her arms, looking cross. "It's way too soon to start talking about that! We haven't even set a date for the wedding yet!"
"Well, hurry up and set a date!" Wyatt urged. "Your mom and I want grandkids!"
"What about my nephew?" Penny reminded him.
"Well, that's different," Wyatt muttered. "He's your sister's stepson, so he's not really my grandson."
"Oh, Daddy," Penny was disappointed. "That's not fair at all. Endora's not my real grandmother but she's like a—" She suddenly slapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide.
Wyatt was giving her a penetrating look. "How do you know about Endora?" he asked her.
Penny sat frozen for several seconds, hands over her mouth. She took them away and said, "Maurice told me about her."
"He did, huh?" Wyatt's expression was stony. "Well, I guess you know," he said, looking unhappy. Penny nodded. "I've been trying to figure out how to tell you," Wyatt went on. "I've been waiting for the right moment."
"Daddy," Penny said levelly. "I'm going to be 30 this year, I think the right moment passed a long time ago. Why haven't you ever told me? Do my brother and sister know?"
"Nobody knows," Wyatt shook his head. "Maurice had them tested for witchcraft without my knowledge. I gotta tell you, I wasn't very happy about that. And I'm not very happy he came and told you!"
"Well, he did more than tell me," Penny said, slowly. "He had Dr. Bombay give me a potion."
Wyatt expression turned anxious. "And what happened?"
"It made me into a witch," Penny said, her voice almost a whisper.
"I see," Wyatt said shortly. "When did this happen?"
"Last July."
"And you haven't talked to me about it in all this time?" Wyatt asked, upset.
"You haven't talked to me about it in 30 years!" Penny countered, her voice rising as well. "What was up with that?!"
"All right, keep it down," Wyatt muttered, looking around. "People will—"
He stopped, looking around him again. Everyone in the restaurant was motionless. People were in mid-bite of their meals. Champagne being poured into a glass had frozen in mid-pour. Wyatt looked at Penny. "Did you do that?" he demanded.
"No," Penny said, looking around. "Must be somebody else—"
Endora appeared at their table across from Wyatt. "Oh, really," she said, in an annoyed tone. "Must you make such a fuss the first time you see your daughter after becoming a warlock?"
"What?" Penny gasped. "Daddy, is that true?"
"Yeah," Wyatt muttered. He glared at Endora. "Thanks, Mom," he said sarcastically. "I was going to tell her."
"Yes," Endora said sardonically. "I'm sure it's just slipped your mind for the past three decades."
"What happened?" Penny wanted to know.
"Same thing that happened with you, I expect," Wyatt said. "Your grandfather got Dr. Bombay to give me a potion. In my case it took a while to work on me—I had to wait a few months before I could do any magic. After that I retired from work and have been learning magic at home ever since."
"Have you told Mom?" Penny asked, certain he had.
"Not yet," was his surprising reply. "I'd like to be able to do more than float the dirty clothes into the washing machine before I show her."
"Yes," Endora chuckled. "Compared to your father you're a prodigy. He's barely through the first few chapters of the Book of Magic."
"Thanks, Endora," Wyatt groused. "You're all heart."
"Don't mention it," Endora purred. "And by all means, please continue with your meal."
"I've lost my appetite," Wyatt said, pushing his plate away.
"Well," Endora smiled, "I see my work here is done, then. "Well, I'm off to dinner with a dear friend of mine I haven't seen in simply ages. Ta." With a gesture she disappeared. The other people in the restaurant began moving again.
"That is one—if you'll excuse me for saying—witch who gets on my nerves," Wyatt complained, meanwhile dragging his plate back in front of him and resuming his meal. "How long has she been giving you trouble, Penny?"
"She's actually been more helpful than not," Penny said. She thought for a second. "Other than a couple of times when she thought it would be funny to play a joke on Leonard…"
"See? What did I tell you?" her father pointed out.
"But what about you?" Penny wanted to know. "How have you been doing with learning magic? And why haven't you told Mom? Don't you think you should be honest with her?"
"It's not that simple with your mom," Wyatt sighed. "As long as they don't know that witches exist, Endora and your other relatives can't come around and bother them. The Witches Council doesn't want witches and mortals fraternizing more than necessary."
"Oh, I guess that's true," Penny realized. "I never thought of that. If Leonard didn't know I was a witch, Endora couldn't play jokes on him."
"Exactly," Wyatt agreed. "But in his case you were going to have to tell him anyway, if you're going to be married."
"Then why doesn't that apply to you and Mom?" Penny wanted to know.
"Because I couldn't do magic when we got married," Wyatt pointed out. "And as far as I knew at the time, I never would. You get it?"
"Yeah, I guess…" Penny had to agree. They ate the rest of their meals in an uncomfortable silence.
=ooo=
"You can tell me it's none of my business, Dad," Penny was saying later, as they climbed the stairs to the fourth floor of 2311 North Los Robles. "But I think Mom deserves to know. I mean, what's going to happen in 30 years when she's 80-something and you haven't gotten any older?"
"You may be right," Wyatt admitted. "I probably do owe it to the old gal for putting up with me for so long."
"Gee, Dad, that's the spirit," Penny deadpanned, giving him a wry look.
"You know what I mean," Wyatt said, waiting as Penny went through her purse for her apartment key. "I just don't know how she's going to take the news."
"I'm sure she'll do fine," Penny said. "Mom's tough."
"Don't I know it," her father muttered. "She hasn't hardly let me sleep in once since I've retired. She keeps coming up with projects for me to do around the house. You know, once I get good at magic she's gonna be surprised how much stuff is going to be working again."
Just then the door to 4A opened and Leonard backed out of his apartment into the hallway, quietly easing the door shut behind him. "There," he said softly. "Now maybe I can get some sleep, if Penny will let me—" he stopped, startled as he turned and saw Penny and Wyatt standing there watching him. "Oh, hi," he said. "I was just—Sheldon and Amy are—" he stopped again, wondering how he was going to explain to Wyatt what was going on in his apartment and deciding not to try. "Wyatt!" he said, happy to see his soon-to-be father-in-law. "I didn't know you were here, Penny didn't mention you were coming!"
"It was a surprise," Wyatt said. "It's good to see you again, son!" He shook Leonard's hand. "I hadn't seen my little girl in too long, and decided to fix that. So how've you been, Leonard? Ready for married life?"
"I'm looking forward to it," Leonard said, grinning.
Wyatt leaned in closer. "Even with a witch?" he asked confidentially.
Leonard froze at the remark. "Um, I think so," he said, warily. He looked at Penny. "I guess your dad knows," he said, questioningly.
"Yeah," Penny said. She was a bit torqued that her father had brought the subject up. "And what's more, he's a warlock too, now."
"Really?" Leonard smiled at Wyatt. "Congratulations!"
"Well, thanks," Wyatt said, though he didn't seem very happy about it. "But it was up to my dear old dad." He sighed. "He just couldn't keep his nose out of my business."
"Tell me about it," Penny said sarcastically. "That must run in our family."
"Hey, look," Wyatt held up his hands. "I'm not trying to butt into your lives. I just came out to see how you were doing, now that—"
"Now that I'm a witch and you're a warlock?" Penny finished. "You know what? I haven't even told you about Leonard!"
"What about Leonard?" Wyatt asked, warily.
"What about me?" Leonard asked.
"I took Leonard to the Eternal Realm with me when I had to go to the Apothecary and pick up some medicine," Penny told him. "And when we got back home we found out that he'd developed some magical abilities."
"Really?" Wyatt turned to Leonard. "I'm impressed. That doesn't happen to many mortals that go to Eternal Realm. Not that many do, it's forbidden, you know."
"Well, I didn't know that at the time," Penny said. "So now I'm a witch, you're a warlock, and Leonard's can do wishcraft. Sometimes. He can't really control it."
"Maybe we should have Dr. Bombay check you out," Wyatt suggested.
"We thought of that," Leonard said. "But there isn't anything he can do, really. It may fade away in time, it may get stronger. He just couldn't tell."
"At least," Penny said, opening her apartment. "Things can't get any worse." They walked inside, only to find three women standing in the middle of the living room, glaring at them.
"Oh, balls," Penny said.
=ooo=
The three women all wore very stern expressions. The first witch was a stout woman with short white hair, a plain floral dress and small black hat. The next woman was thin, with curly iron-gray hair and the same outmoded clothing. The third woman was stouter, but otherwise greatly resembled the first two women.
"Penny," the first woman said, in an authoritarian tone. "We're from the Witches Council. I'm Hagatha, this is Enchantra—" she indicated the witch next to her "and that is Bertha," she finished, pointing to the third woman.
"What do you three old biddies want?" Wyatt growled. It was evident he already knew them.
"Wyatt," the third witch said, wagging a finger at him. "You mind your manners. This doesn't concern you."
"If it concerns Penny, it concerns me," Wyatt said.
"What do you want?" Penny asked.
The first witch, Hagatha, held out a scroll to her. Penny took it. "What's this?" she asked.
"It is a summons," Hagatha said. "You are to appear before the Witches Council, to answer charges that you knowingly brought a moral into the Eternal Realm, a violation of the Witches' Code."
"But there must be some misunderstanding," Leonard spoke up. "Penny didn't know she wasn't supposed to bring me to your realm—"
"Silence, mortal," Hagatha commanded. "That is not the violation she is accused of."
"Well then, what are you talking about?" Penny demanded.
"The charges will be heard at the Council meeting," Enchantra said. "You will come with us now."
"Now?" Penny said, shocked. "It's the middle of the night!"
"This is outrageous," Wyatt angrily declared. "You have to give her time to prepare!"
"Prepare for what?" Bertha, the third witch, said. "She and the witnesses we call will answer the questions we put to them, and then we will make our decision."
"And what happens if you find her guilty?" Leonard asked.
"Then she will be stripped of her powers forever," Hagatha pronounced.
Penny looked at her father. "Looks like things just got worse."
Wyatt turned to the three witches. "I'm going with her," he said. "She's entitled to have someone there to help defend herself."
"I'm going, too!" Leonard agreed.
"Only witches and warlocks may attend a Witches Council meeting," Hagatha declared.
"But I'm her fiancé!" Leonard protested.
Hagatha rolled her eyes. "Oh, not this mixed-marriage thing again," she muttered. "Mortal, you will remain here. When we are done with the trial your fiancée will be returned to you, either as a witch, or as a mortal."
She turned to Wyatt. "And as her advisor you will share in her fate. Do you still wish to go with her?"
Wyatt nodded defiantly. "I do."
"Very well, then." Hagatha gestured and everyone except Leonard disappeared as lightning and thunder rumbled above the apartment.
Leonard looked around the room. "Wow," he muttered to himself. "I wish I knew what was going to happen." He waited silently for several seconds. "Shoot. I should have known that wasn't going to work." He sat down on the couch, his face in his hands, to await whatever was to come.
=ooo=
Penny and Wyatt appeared in a foggy, amorphous place, surrounded by mist. As she looked around, she saw they were surrounded by a polished wooden bannister, like a small gate.
The mist began to roll away. Penny saw a long judge's bench come into view, with men and women seated behind it. Witches and warlocks, Penny reminded herself. She could see Hagatha, Enchantra and Bertha among them. There were four other people with them, another witch she didn't recognize and three warlocks. There were also a few gaps between some of them, as if some people were missing.
"What is this place?" Penny muttered, looking around for anything else but seeing nothing but whiteness in the distance.
"This is the Witches Council chamber," Wyatt said softly.
Penny glanced at him. "You sound like you've seen this place before."
"I have," Wyatt nodded. "A long time ago, when I was young. "This is where my parents brought me to figure out what they should do about my powers not working."
Penny wanted to ask what happened, though she thought she already knew, but before she could speak one of the witches began speaking. It was Hagatha.
"Hear ye, hear ye," Hagatha's voice rang out as she read from a scroll. "This session of the Witches High Court is called to order. Bring forth the accused."
"We're right here, Hagatha," Wyatt complained. "Did you forget you brought us here?"
"Silence," Hagatha commanded. Wyatt folded his arms but subsided, looking angry. "We will now hear the reading of the charges," Hagatha intoned.
"The High Court charges that the accused, Penny, did knowingly bring a human to the Eternal Realm, having been warned that such was against the Witches' Code. What says the accused to this charge?"
"What are my choices?" Penny asked.
"Ignorance of the Code is no excuse," Enchantra objected.
"Sorry, but you've been at this a few thousand years longer than I have," Penny retorted.
"Young lady," an older warlock warned her. "Another remark like that and you'll be held in contempt of court."
"I'm sorry, Your Honor," Penny said. "Or Your Warlockness, or whatever."
"Don't worry, Penny," her father said. "I've got enough contempt for them all." He raised his voice. "The accused pleads not guilty by reason of mitigating circumstances."
The witches and warlocks along the bench began whispering to one another. The whispering went on for quite some time, it seemed to Penny. She tried listening in, but somehow couldn't make out anything that was being said. Her powers weren't working for some reason.
"I can't hear them," she whispered to her father.
"They won't let you," Wyatt muttered. "While we're here our powers are suppressed. We're just like mortals again, though they still have their powers."
"That doesn't seem fair," Penny remarked unhappily.
"But that's the way things are here," Wyatt told her. "The Council always gets their way, whether that way is right or not."
The whispering ceased. Apparently Wyatt's comments had been overheard. "We haven't forgotten about you either, Wyatt," Bertha said. "You turned out to be quite a disappointment to us."
"Almost as much as you've been to me," Wyatt retorted.
"Enough," Hagatha commanded. "A plea of Not Guilty is entered for the accused. Call the first witness. Dr. Bombay, come right away!"
=ooo=
Meanwhile, in Fort Cozy McBlanket—
"Leonard?" Sheldon called out. "Are you coming back inside?"
Silence from outside the fort. Sheldon poked his head out of the top. "Huh! Leonard's not in the kitchen. I thought he was going to get us something to drink."
"It's all right, Sheldon," Amy said from within the fort. "It's almost 11 pm. We agreed we would 'settle down' at 11 pm."
"I know, but I did want the chance to tell Leonard he couldn't sleep with us in the fort tonight." Sheldon's head dropped back within the fort. "On the other hand," he mused, "he's probably gone back over to Penny's."
"I'll bet their sleepover isn't G-rated," Amy muttered.
"Amy," Sheldon said warningly. "We agreed on the terms of this sleepover."
"So we did, Sheldon. Very well, I'll go change into my pajamas and brush my teeth."
"Don't forget the bag you hid under the couch," Sheldon reminded her. "I'm going to go say goodnight to Leonard and Penny."
They both left the fort, Amy heading to the bathroom, Sheldon to the front door. He went across the hall and knocked on the door to 4B with his characteristic knock. "Leonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny. Leonard and Penny."
Leonard opened the door a few seconds later. "What is it, Sheldon?"
"I came over to say goodnight." Sheldon looked around. "Where's Penny?"
"She…had to leave for a while," Leonard finally murmured, walking back and dropping onto the couch.
"Leave?" Sheldon looked perplexed. "Where would she go this late at night?"
"There's some kind of problem," Leonard said. "Some—" he lowered his voice "—witches came and took her."
Sheldon looked at Leonard, concerned. "Is Penny in trouble?"
"I don't know," Leonard said, running a hand through his hair. "She could be. They're accusing her of breaking the Witches' Code."
"What did she do?" Sheldon asked. "Fly a broomstick without a license? Brew a potion without FDA approval?" Sheldon raised his eyebrows as Leonard stared at him. "Bazinga!"
"No, and this is no time for Bazingas, Sheldon!" Leonard snapped. "If they find her guilty, she could be stripped of her witchcraft forever!"
"Can they really do that?" Sheldon asked.
"Apparently so," Leonard said, upset even thinking about it.
"So," Sheldon went on, "if they can take her witchcraft away, could they give it to someone else? Someone who would be able to do something really useful with it, like say, create some groundbreaking research that would earn him a Nobel Prize?"
"Sheldon!" Leonard looked at him, aghast. "Is that what you took from that? I can't believe you would say that about your friend!"
Sheldon held up his hands. "I'm sorry, you're right. That was insensitive of me. But if these witches were looking for someone to replace her-"
"Enough, Sheldon," Leonard said, weary of listening to him. "Now if you don't mind, I'd like to wait for Penny to return. Alone."
"Alright," Sheldon said, going to the door. "Remember, if you need us, Amy and I will be in Fort Cozy McBlanket. We're having our first sleepover."
Leonard looked up, surprised. "Really? A sleepover? You and Amy?"
"Oh, I see where your mind is, Leonard," Sheldon tsked. "Wallowing in the gutter. No, our sleepover will be strictly platonic."
"Does Amy know that?" Leonard asked, managing a grin.
"Of course she does!"
"Well, then, good luck getting through the night."
"Thank you," Sheldon said. He started to leave then did a double-take at what Leonard just said, but walked out of the apartment without further comment.
=ooo=
Dr. Bombay appeared a moment after Hagatha called out his name, in a chair off to one side of the judges' bench, a chair that hadn't been there a moment earlier. He was dressed in a familiar white coat with a stethoscope around his neck. "Doctor Bombay reporting as ordered," he said crisply, albeit with a note of reluctance at being summoned to the Court.
"Dr. Bombay," Hagatha addressed him. "Will you please describe the events that occurred the day Penny called you to her fiancé's apartment?"
"Must I really?" Bombay looked quite uncomfortable. "It was all in my report, after all." He glanced toward Penny and Wyatt but couldn't meet their eyes."
"What report?" Penny demanded.
"Silence," Hagatha commanded again. "Yes, Doctor, the Court requires that you testify. If you refuse, remember that you could share the fate of the defendants when—I mean if—they are found guilty."
"Oh, very well," Bombay huffed. "When I arrived at the apartment I found a mortal who was suffering from an induced case of summattius turbatitis, also known as MAMB Syndrome."
"What does 'MAMB' stand for?" one of the warlocks asked.
"It stands for 'Me Angry, Me Big'" Dr. Bombay replied.
"Would you mind describing the symptoms of this disease, Doctor?" Hagatha asked him.
"It is a condition wherein when the victim becomes angry or upset he or she will increase in stature," Bombay explained. "If left untreated the change in height can become permanent."
"Can this condition be contracted by mortals, Doctor?" Hagatha asked.
"Oh, yes. Many humans did, in the past. That is why giants walked the Earth long ago," Bombay said. "We've developed a cure and vaccinations for it, of course, but the pathogens are still present in our realm."
"Is that why humans are forbidden in the Eternal Realm, Doctor?" Hagatha questions.
"Among other reasons," Bombay agreed. "It is easily treatable in mortals, however, if detected early."
"Thank you, Doctor," Hagatha said perfunctorily. She waved a hand toward Penny and Wyatt. "Your witness."
Penny looked at her father. She had no idea what to ask the doctor that would make her look any less guilty.
"Do you have any questions for the Doctor?" Enchantra asked impatiently. "Or would you prefer to change your plea to 'guilty?' It will go easier with you if you do not waste this Court's time, young lady."
"Doctor," Wyatt spoke up. "Was the defendant aware of the existence of MAMB Syndrome when she brought the mortal in question to the Realm?"
"Oh, objection!" Bertha spoke up. "You're asking the doctor about something someone else said! That's hearsay, isn't it?" she looked at the others on the bench.
"I'm asking for the doctor's expert medical opinion," Wyatt replied. "He is the only witch doctor you have, isn't he?"
"Well, yes," Bertha hedged, reluctantly. "But…"
"So there's no one else who can answer my question, is there?" Wyatt pressed. "If he doesn't know, nobody does, do they?"
"I suppose not," Bertha mumbled. "Objection withdrawn."
"Doctor?" Wyatt prompted.
"Er—" Bombay thought for a moment. "I would say not. The condition is quite rare—almost no witch or warlock contracts the condition these days, though mortals are more susceptible to it. Even so, the odds of a mortal catching the disease is less than one in a thousand."
"Could Penny have picked up the pathogen during one of her visits to the Eternal Realm?" Wyatt asked. "Could she then have passed it on to the mortal before they entered the Eternal Realm?"
"It is possible," Bombay nodded.
"So it's possible the mortal could have contracted the disease without ever entering the Eternal Realm?" Wyatt concluded.
"I would say it's possible," Bombay agreed, slowly. Wyatt smiled in satisfaction. After a glance toward the Council, however, the doctor continued, saying, "Although it would be extremely unlikely that Penny would have picked up the pathogen herself. I made sure to give her all the relevant vaccinations when she became a witch."
"Thank you, Doctor," Wyatt said, annoyed with Bombay's honesty at the moment. "I have no further questions."
Doctor Bombay nodded and vanished. The Council members began whispering among themselves. Penny tried to listen in again but she could hear nothing they were saying. Her father stood with his arms folded, glaring at them as they talked back and forth.
Finally, all the Council members sat upright, facing Penny and Wyatt. "Having heard all of the relevant testimony," Hagatha announced. "This Court finds the defendant, Penny, guilty of violating the Witches' Code!"
=ooo=
Back in Fort Cozy McBlaket—
Sheldon was back inside the fort, on the couch with a blanket covering him, when Amy returned from the bathroom in her pajamas and one of Sheldon's guest housecoats. "How are Leonard and Penny doing?" Amy asked.
"Alright, I guess," Sheldon said, discomfort in his voice.
"What's wrong?" Amy asked.
"Did I say anything was wrong?" Sheldon responded immediately. "I said they were alright."
"You said you guessed," Amy reminded him. "Also, you're using your 'I'm hiding something and I want to tell you' tone of voice," she added.
"Am I?" Sheldon, trying to use his "everything is okay" tone of voice, but failing. "Oh, very well, you're right. I can never hide anything from you, Amy Farrah Fowler."
"True," Amy agreed. "Except most of your emotions, your true feelings for me, and your personal roll of toilet paper, which is missing from its usual hiding spot tonight."
"I don't know what you mean," Sheldon murmured, shifting slowly as he reached out and took a small night-bag from the arm of the couch, putting it behind him so Amy couldn't see it any more.
"Sheldon," Amy said patiently. "You don't have to hide things from me. I won't use your stuff if you don't want me to."
"I don't want anyone to know about my personal roll," Sheldon said, defensively.
"I would never betray a confidence between us, Sheldon," Amy promised.
"Really?" Sheldon had an odd gleam in his eye. "Because I've got a doozy of a secret about Penny. But you have to promise never to mention it to her or Leonard."
"Really?" Amy looked intrigued. What could Sheldon know about her bestie that she didn't know already? "I promise, Sheldon," she agreed. "Scout's honor. And remember, I was in the Scouts for two years before they found out I was a girl."
"Okay, here it is," Sheldon leaned forward conspiratorially. "Penny's a witch."
"Sheldon," Amy said reproachfully. "I know you don't always approve of her or Leonard's relationship with her, but you should be more respectful and not call her names."
"I'm not calling her a name," Sheldon insisted. "She really is a witch. She can do real magic, like Harry Potter, except she doesn't need a magic wand."
"That can't be true," Amy objected. "If she was a witch she would have told me so long before now."
"She hasn't been a witch for long," Sheldon argued. "Only since last summer, and she already tried to tell you once, but you forgot everything about her. Do you remember?"
Amy looked confused. "If I forgot everything about her how come I remember her?"
"Because you drank a magic potion that made you remember again," Sheldon said. "Do you remember last summer when you thought you caught a cold and Leonard gave you some medication? That was the potion that made you remember Penny."
Amy was staring at him, dumbstruck. "How long have you known this without telling me?" she demanded. "There's supposed to be an implied boyfriend-girlfriend confidentiality clause in the Relationship Agreement!"
"But that was superseded by my prior Roommate Agreement with Leonard," Sheldon quickly explained. "Along with the codicils I put in when Penny and Leonard became engaged!"
"Sheldon, our relationship supersedes theirs," Amy cried. "Besides, didn't we establish that, according to the work of Berscheid, Snyder and Omoto, our closeness rating is 8.2 out of 10?"
"There is that," Sheldon admitted. "By golly, you're right, Amy! But you've got to promise me you won't say anything to Leonard or Penny about this. I don't want them to know I blabbed to you."
"I promise, Sheldon," Amy said, silently wondering why her bestie had never come to her with this herself. Leonard she could understand—the little sad sack was so insecure about his and Penny's relationship that he rarely spoke about her to Amy. But she and Penny were practically sisters…
"Okay, so get this," Sheldon was saying. "Penny found out last summer that her grandfather Maurice was a warlock…"
=ooo=
"WHAT?!" both Penny and Wyatt shouted. "You haven't even heard our side of it!" Penny demanded hotly.
"Oh, do you have a side to this?" Hagatha looked surprised. "The facts seem pretty clear to this Court."
"We still want to present our side," Wyatt said. He turned away from the Court, to face Penny. "Stall them as long as you can," he whispered. Turning back to face the Court, he announced loudly, "I'd like to call Penny to the stand."
Penny walked up to sit in the chair next to the judges' bench. "Penny," her father began, "can you tell us what happened on the day in question?"
"Well, let's see…" Penny appeared to think for several seconds, while the Court looked on impatiently. "I got up that morning feeling pretty good about how the day was going to go—"
"Skip to the conversation between you and the mortal," Hagatha directed. "What was her name?"
"Um, it was Bernadette," Penny said. "Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. She and I were sharing a bottle of wine—"
"Do you often drink wine with mortals?" one of the other witches asked.
"What, are you writing my memoirs?" Penny asked. Before anyone could protest she added, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I sometimes drink wine, especially when a friend is coming over to hang out. Bernadette and I have known each other for a long time. We worked together at the Cheesecake Factory."
The Council members whispered amongst themselves for several seconds. It didn't look they liked that particular bit of information, Penny decided. "Anyway, she and I had been friends long enough that I decided to share with her that I was a witch. In fact, I was feeling a little guilty that I hadn't told her already."
"Penny," her father broke in. "Is it fair to say that when you told Bernadette that you were a witch, that the two of you were both tipsy at the time?"
"I dunno," Penny shrugged. "I guess you could say so. A little."
"How did Bernadette react when you told her you were a witch?"
"Well, she was upset with me," Penny remembered. "I guess she was a little mad I hadn't told her already."
"What did she say when you told her that you brought Leonard to the Eternal Realm and it cured his asthma, and gave him limited magical powers as well?" Wyatt continued.
"Um, Dad?" Penny wondered what her father was trying to do. "Hello? I'm already in trouble for bringing one person there!"
"We are well aware of that occurrence," Hagatha said archly. "The Apothecary reported the incident to us when it occurred. But as you were unaware of the Witches' Code forbidding it, no charges were brought at that time."
"But this time she was impaired due to the wine she'd drank," Wyatt pointed out.
"That is hardly a mitigating reason," Enchantra said severely.
"Really?" Wyatt looked unconvinced. "How many of you august witches and warlocks of the Court have committed infractions of the Code, infractions that were overlooked in light of your position on the Council?"
Several members of the Court suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Ahem," Hagatha harrumphed. "Well, that's hardly relevant to this proceeding!" She banged a gavel that was suddenly next to her on the bench. "Ladies and gentlemen of the Court! What is your verdict for the accused?"
"Guilty," each witch and warlock said in turn. "Guilty as well," Hagatha concurred, the last witch to give her decision. "It is the finding of this Court that Penny is guilty and will be stripped of her powers forever. As her advocate, her father Wyatt will be stripped of his powers as well.
"So say we all." Every witch and warlock along the bench stood. "Penny, Wyatt," Hagatha said. "It is the sentence of this Court that you be returned to the mortal realm permanently, without your powers. Prepare yourselves."
"Sorry, Penny," her father murmured, putting his arms around her. "I knew we couldn't win this—the Witches Council always gets exactly what it wants."
"It's alright, Daddy," Penny said, comforted by his embrace. "I was mortal a lot longer than I was a witch—I'll get used to being mortal again."
"I guess I will, too," Wyatt agreed. "It just pisses me off that they're doing this to you because they've had it in for me for the past 150 years."
As they watched, the members of the Council raised their arms, beginning to invoke the power all of their magic together, to take away Penny and Wyatt's powers forever.
=ooo=
The End
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=ooo=
Just kidding!
To Be Continued…
=ooo=
Chapter 11 will be online April 24, 2015, by 11 pm CDT