Chapter 10. Let Go of All Your Troubles
It was time to close the door on the past and open the door to the future – to Anakin. Qui-Gon Jinn had severed any ties that might have remained. Obi-Wan had picked up the pieces and rewoven them with another now.
The only thing left of his master was his promise to Anakin, only now that promise had been transferred to Anakin. He would train Anakin, but not for Qui-Gon, but for himself and for Anakin. If to claim his rightful place meant dismissing Qui-Gon from memory, he would do so.
Live in the moment! Oh, Qui-Gon would be proud, finally, that Obi-Wan had now accepted that mantra as his own.
Anakin had forgiven him!
Obi-Wan held that dear, for no matter how Qui-Gon's angry words had twisted the reality beyond recognition, he could not deny they were rooted in truth. He had been hurt and jealous, even if he had fought past that. He had not seen Anakin as he truly was, but as what he had represented – a threat.
He had been entitled to his hurt, but not entitled to inflict it on another. It didn't matter his intentions. Anakin was the catalyst, but not the cause.
They had had a long talk, where Obi-Wan confessed why he had reacted as he had, to explain that Jedi made mistakes and hurt others. How in his own hurt, Qui-Gon, too, had reacted to his perception of events. How they had started to mend the breach between them on Naboo; how time had not granted them the ability to move past forgiveness to forgetfulness.
And how now, Obi-Wan reached out to Anakin for forgiveness, and been granted both it and a hug, both of which he cherished.
"Words said in the heat of emotion should never be heeded as pure truth," became a lesson both vowed then and there to keep in mind.
**
Obi-Wan watched, a bit amused and a bit confused as Anakin slowly trooped towards the door after first meal, visibly drooping. While his academic schedule had not yet been determined, he was in the classes on the Force with younglings half his age.
"You don't seem too happy today," Obi-Wan commented. His padawan frowned and mumbled something about classes with babies.
"You need a foundation for everything you will learn about the Force; you are at the younglings' level, at least for now. So what if you're much older than they – they probably look up to you."
"They laugh at me."
Obi-Wan came over and put his hands on Anakin's shoulder. Dealing with a young padawan's frustrations had him digging back in his own memories for similar experiences, and how best he could have been helped through them. As a padawan, he had thought most of the work was on the padawan's shoulders; as a master, he was finding how wrong he had been.
"Well, younglings like to laugh at what they don't understand, or just in fun. Laugh back. They're probably laughing with you, not at you."
"Are, too."
He was also learning that Anakin had a rather pronounced pout at times; he'd stick out his chin almost defiantly and dare someone to contradict him.
"Are they laughing at the others as well?" Anakin nodded reluctantly. "And do the others laugh back? Well, then, they're not picking on you."
"But I'm smarter than them."
"I'm not sure we know that; smart as you are, you're also older than them and know a lot more - but you are all at the same level of understanding about the Force. For now. I promise, work hard and learn a lot so you can catch up to your age mates and I'll talk to the Council about adjusting your classes."
"Can't you teach me?" A hopeful look was matched by the lip quiver Anakin did so well.
"It takes someone special to teach the basics and that someone is not me. Besides, I'll have my hands on you soon enough and you might change your mind about that." He leaned forward and whispered, "I haven't taught a padawan before – our secret, okay?"
He tweaked the braid and watched Anakin leave, not really happy, but resigned.
Even before this conversation, Obi-Wan was well aware that Anakin was not happy as he had already spoken to the class instructor as well as to Master Yoda. All agreed Anakin needed to learn the basics of the Force before he could take his place with his age mates.
After cleaning up breakfast, Obi-Wan picked up the datapad and carried it with an expression of schooled distaste on his face, wanting to catch Mace Windu before the day's Council session.
He wanted any reminder of those last few days with Qui-Gon gone, wiped as if from memory. Later – later he would find comfort in older memories, but for now, he was determined to forge new ones. With Anakin.
"Obi-Wan, come in," Mace greeted him. The young Jedi merely bowed and offered the datachip, dropping it into a confused Council member's hand.
"Master Windu, both as Qui-Gon's friend and as a member of the Council, I give this datachip into your possession in case there is some pertinent information on it you might need. The first part of it is – one of Qui-Gon's notorious rants when he was most upset."
To his credit, Obi-Wan mustered a wan smile. "Once he had his rants out of his system, he would find release in meditation. I do not believe you have been an ear witness to such. I have rarely, myself – and I was not the object of his ire that other time. I do not judge him harshly, but - I could not…bring myself to listen to the entire contents."
He bowed and walked away, arms tucked within his sleeves. He was happy to be rid of it.
**
"…but Obi-Wan! I have never been so disappointed in him. He's not the Jedi or man I've raised him to be, that I was so sure he was. Obi-Wan stands with the Council when he should stand with me – or step aside.
"My padawan, he is jealous of a boy who he must see will be a much greater Jedi than he could ever hope to be. Never would I have thought Obi-Wan to be so petty and jealous as to – to deny the Force's will, even, and delight in a child's heartbreak. Let the Council do with him as it thinks best: I will obey both the Force and honor my promise to the boy. If he can, let Obi-Wan try to prove his worth and move on and I will take Anakin as my padawan…pathetic life forms, indeed….
"Anakin is no 'pathetic lifeform' as Obi-Wan called him, he's the Chosen One…."
Mace now understood the taut face and set mouth of his visitor. Oh, Qui-Gon, he thought, this is not the legacy you would have wished to leave, followed by a hope that Anakin had not been party to the outburst. The last of the boy you trained is burned out of Obi-Wan. He is a man now, but something is gone from him. The soft edges have been ground off, and that is a not entirely a good thing.
He stopped the recording. It was time for the Council to meet. He would have to listen to the rest later and decide what, if anything, he should do.
**
"I'll get it," Anakin shouted, running to the door. Two Jedi stood there. Neither looked too surprised to see him. "Hi, who are you?"
"Hi squirt – you must be Obi's padawan. Anakin Skywalker, right?"
A vigorous nod greeted that. "Do you know Obi-Wan?"
"Do I know Obi-Wan?" The male Jedi feigned shock. "Since he was smaller than you. I'm Garen Muln and this is Siri Tachi – hey, you gundark, how are you?" Garen gripped his friend by the forearms and stared at him with a critical eye when the knight came to the door.
"Garen, Siri – Force, it's great to see you two."
"Hey, Kenobi." Siri smiled and grasped his hand. "Wouldn't you know, Garen and I ran into each other right outside your door. First place we came, you know."
He squeezed her hand in return then stepped back as Garen released him. He put his hands on Anakin's shoulder. "So you've two met Anakin here. My padawan." He smiled down at Anakin who wiggled in delight. "He's a ball of energy and running me ragged. Come on in, sit."
Anakin couldn't restrain his curiosity anymore. "Are you the Garen I'm not supposed to tell secrets to because you'll blab them?"
The dark haired Jedi clutched his heart and looked wounded. "Secrets? Blabbing? What lies has Obi-Wan been telling you?"
"Peas, lunkhead." Siri elbowed Garen in the ribs. "Remember how you just blurted that out and the look Qui-Gon gave Obi – ah." She turned to Obi-Wan, a contrite expression on her face. "Hey, Kenobi…I'm sorry. I know how hard it must be…." Impulsively, she hugged Obi-Wan.
"You're not one of his many girlfriends are you?" Anakin giggled as Obi-Wan clapped his hand over the padawan's mouth and whispered into his ear, "Hey, you're as bad as Garen at keeping secrets."
The look that Siri threw him earned a "we'll talk about this another time" shrug. "Be careful what you joke about with this one."
"Master had a crush on Master Yaddle!"
"Did he now? So did I." Garen swung the boy up and dumped him unceremoniously on the couch. "All the crechlings had a crush on her, but I don't think Obi ever got over his."
"Don't give away all my secrets! Garen, don't encourage him."
"I don't know any others," Anakin complained. He looked hopefully at Garen. "Master says he has a lot but I have to discover them. Do you know what they are?"
"Secrets, Kenobi?" Siri shook her head. She glanced over at Garen and Anakin, happily talking away then back at Obi-Wan. "Whatever those secrets are, they seem to have bit you. You don't look like you're sleeping well. Do you feel like talking about it – any of it?"
"No." He cleared his throat. "It hurt too much – then – and now – I'm fine. Anakin is the here and now, isn't he…wouldn't Qui-Gon be proud, finally, that I'm living in the moment?" He refused to meet Siri's eyes; she knew him too well. Right now he didn't want her pity or her sympathy. He didn't want to talk about or think about Qui-Gon Jinn. He wasn't ready to go there.
"What do you mean 'proud, finally'? Listen, Kenobi, I don't know much about what happened in Council before you two left for Naboo but it's pretty much an open secret that he tried to dump you for that kid. Knowing that tactless oaf, he didn't think before he spoke because we both know he would never knowingly or deliberately hurt you. When he was convinced he heard the Force, he let nothing stand in the way."
"Siri, please, don't," Obi-Wan whispered.
"All right, just know that I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk and get it off your chest."
"No, Siri. I don't need to talk about Qui-Gon. I – I can't." He scrubbed his face with one hand and sighed.
"I think you need to, sometime."
"Siri, don't. Just – don't, okay?"
At the edge in Obi-Wan's voice, Garen looked up and over at Siri. Anakin chewed his lip then came over and tugged at Obi-Wan's hand, earning the knight's attention.
"Is it okay if I talk about Master Qui-Gon? Please? I want to tell about winning the pod-race and what I did on Naboo and all – okay, Obi-Wan?"
"Yes, well…." Obi-Wan sighed. "Sure, you talk to Garen and Siri while I make us some caf – and some juice for you."
He moved into the small kitchen and did his best to busy himself until Anakin was talked out. He had no need to live in the past – or listen to it either.
Only the here and now mattered.
Anakin. Not Qui-Gon.