Chapter 10

The unsettling feeling of panic that rose within Rhoda as soon as the door closed behind Mary's father was something she did not want to acknowledge. No, the twisted feeling in the pit of her stomach would be sorted out later. Now, now Rhoda could only feel the strong hand in her own weakening as each second passed. "Mare," Rhoda was almost afraid to turn, to look at the woman behind her. She heard the sniffle, the hint of tears.

"Rhoda, oh…" Mary gasped, sounding so small, so frail, as if she might collapse.

"Mare," Rhoda turned then, standing to face Mary, to look into her watery, brown eyes. She was like a startled little deer, deflated after having to stand so firm in her truth. "Mary," Rhoda collected her up in her arms and held her as Mary let her weight shift into Rhoda's embrace.

They stood in silence, Mary's body shaking in her arms, tears dampening the front of Rhoda's shirt. Rhoda held her tightly, as if she were afraid that Mary might disappear.

"Did you mean it?" Mary whispered against her shoulder.

"Oh, kid." Rhoda pressed her lips to the crown of Mary's head. "Of course I meant it." Mary faltered a little in Rhoda's embrace. "Come on, let's sit down." Rhoda shifted so that Mary could lean against her as they made their way to the couch. They collapsed down together and Mary wrapped herself up about Rhoda, as if afraid of being too far apart, needing her so desperately in that moment. The thought that Mary Richards could need Rhoda Morgenstern made her heart swell and then ache.

Rhoda rubbed her hands over Mary's arms, consoling her the best she could. They sat like that for some time, Rhoda pressing kisses to Mary's temple, waiting until the tears died down, until she was relatively calm again. They sat surrounded by the silence of the apartment, hungover from the night's events, from all that had been revealed.

"Well, it's not what I'd intended the evening to be." Mary sighed, picking the mascara from her watery eyelashes.

"I told you to tell them about the baby." Rhoda laughed, nervously.

"Well mother has a way of bringing out the whole truth. I don't know how she does it, but I can never lie around her." Mary shook her head. "I can't believe it."

Rhoda could only nod in agreement. She couldn't believe it either, that Mary had so easily spoken those words. She'd stood so firm in her conviction that she loved Rhoda and instead of making Rhoda deliriously happy it made her feel sick.

"You're not mad, are you?" Mary looked to Rhoda, misinterpreting her silence.

"What? No, kid. I'm not mad. I think you gave them quite a shock though. A baby and an eccentric, Jewish, female love interest. You're pretty bold, Mare."

"Bold?"

Rhoda shrugged, "brave?"

"Well I didn't know how else to tell them that I didn't want to be with Peter and make them understand. And mother did just kind of guess at it." Mary sounded a little hurt.

There Rhoda went, already messing it all up.

"I suppose we should have talked about it first before I'd said anything." Mary reasoned, as if she were trying to make it up to Rhoda.

"Yeah, well, it's out now." Rhoda spoke hastily, not measuring her words correctly.

"Do you wish that it wasn't?" Mary slid ever so much away from her. It was a slight move but Rhoda felt the distance acutely.

Rhoda covered her face with her hand, rubbing briefly at her forehead, biting on her pointer finger, searching for words. Was she mad? No. Had it all been too much too soon? Perhaps. The word love had just been shoved out there, as if it were known and Rhoda wasn't so sure about it. She had never been lucky in love, not a once. And this time felt new and frightening. She was scared. Really scared.

She could feel Mary's eyes on her, nervous, waiting, as if afraid of what Rhoda might say. And Rhoda didn't want to upset her further that evening. It had already been stressful enough.

Rhoda reached for Mary's hand, clasping it in her own. "There's no use in dwelling on it tonight is there? Come on, kid. Let's get to bed. We have work tomorrow." Rhoda reasoned, trying to smooth over this unnecessary fear that was grasping at her.

Mary eyed her warily before conceding to go to bed. They washed and lotioned and brushed and turned down the bed and climbed into their respective sides. But it all felt a little stilted.

Rhoda lay awake, staring up at Mary's ceiling searching for what it was she felt. Hadn't she just gotten everything she'd ever wanted? Mary loved her. She had come right out and boldly told her parents about her, about them, as if she had no shame, no fear in it at all. Why was everything with Mary so Goddamn easy? She could fall for Rhoda and be in love with her and be just fine with it and Rhoda…Rhoda who had pined after Mary for months – oh God, had it been years? – was now filled with fear and doubt about it all.

Rhoda was all screwed up.

Precious, perfect Mary rolled towards her, curling up against her side. Rhoda's stomach twisted painfully. What if Mary woke up and realized whom she had fallen for and why it was all such a bad idea? How would she take it back now that her parents knew? And there Rhoda was promising her father that she would care for Mary and this baby and she had no earthly idea if there was even a position at the store for her to move up into. She'd spoken so authoritatively, as if it were all real, as if it all could really happen.

She slept disastrously. Waking up delirious in the night and reaching tighter for Mary, then remembering how she was going to mess it all up, and ashamedly rolling away from the peacefully sleeping woman in disgust with herself.

She awoke first the next morning, awoke to the sun's first rays of light floating in through the crack in the curtains.

She turned to find Mary's face near her own, could feel Mary's arm trapping her there beside her. She looked at Mary, really looked at the way her cheek curved, the little wrinkles that circled her lips even in sleep, the way her hair fanned about her face, the way her light pink lips were parted as she slept, revealing her perfectly straight teeth. Rhoda loved every little detail of Mary's face, wanted to capture it just as it was now, wanted to hold the both of them suspended in this moment, this moment before she messed everything up. Because invariably she would.

The thought drove her away from Mary. She slid from beneath her arm, careful not to wake her – for she knew she could be a light sleeper when she wanted to be.

The bed suddenly felt too cramped, Rhoda was having trouble breathing and she needed some space.

She moved to the bathroom, turning on the cold-water tap. The liquid ran over her fingers, she splashed it over her face, trying to reel herself back in. How lovely it would be to love Mary. If only Rhoda wasn't so afraid.

The water did little to refresh her.

She moved back to the bed, standing over Mary as she slept. The sheet had slid down so that Rhoda could make out the curve of Mary's pert breast, could see a hardened nipple beneath her nightgown from the cool morning air. Rhoda's eyes trailed over the curve of Mary's waist, moving to the little protrusion at her stomach.

It occurred to Rhoda how very well Mary was taking the fact that she was with child, that she had this thing growing inside of her. Was Rhoda certain that she was taking it well? Wasn't it strange that Mary should be pregnant with some man's child yet it was Rhoda that was sharing her bed?

What would happen when Mary came to her senses about the whole thing and went back to Peter? For that was what would happen, wouldn't it? And Rhoda would be heartbroken, devastated.

How could she love this woman so madly yet want to run away all at one moment?

Torn and restless, Rhoda wrapped herself up in her robe and slipped quietly out of the apartment. She would get to work early that morning, get a head start on the new window design she was supposed to have done by Monday. She could always play it off as a serious deadline later if Mary questioned her.

"Hey, Rho, your friend Mary's on the phone again. Mr. Nichols is starting to get really ticked off." Janey found Rhoda in the breakroom of Hempel's staring absently into a cup of black coffee.

Black, straight coffee was the only thing getting Rhoda through the day for sleep was foreign and infrequent to her. "Tell her I'm busy." Rhoda waved away her friend.

Janey looked at Rhoda, a bit perplexed for it was clear that Rhoda was not busy. "It's the fourth time she's called in the last hour. If I didn't know you better I'd think you were having a lover's tiff."

Rhoda felt a pang in her stomach, she swallowed the stale coffee and groaned. "Might as well be something like that. Just tell her I'm busy and I'll call her later."

Janey clicked her tongue, annoyed at playing secretary to her equal. Rhoda rolled her eyes, no longer caring what Janey or Mr. Nichols thought. There was really nothing for them to think. Just a few misguided kisses, a few "L" words thrown about, but nothing completely out of the ordinary.

Janey reappeared from the phone room, heading to her locker. "Wanna talk about it?" She inquired, pulling out an apple and a pack of cigarettes.

"Not really." Rhoda shrugged, for what was there to talk about? After she successfully avoided Mary for the whole of the day there would be nothing more for them to talk about. She'd probably lose a friend at least and the love of her life at most and what was the likelihood of Mary being the one for her? How many hoops would they have to jump through to make it work? It all seemed like an insurmountable mountain to climb.

But, Mary had said she'd loved her. Perhaps not directly to her, but she'd said it.

The thought fluttered about in her chest.

"Wanna smoke?" Janey held out the pack.

Normally Rhoda, reformed Bronx-ian, would have declined. But the distant buzz she remembered as an adolescent seemed enticing. An escape, a release from all things Mary. "Yeah, sure. Haven't smoked for years. Might as well, right?" Rhoda accepted, leaning across the breakroom table as Janey lit the cigarette for her.

The first hit of smoke was intoxicating, her head spinning, her body feeling light. Why had she ever given this up?

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?" Janey asked, blowing a stream of smoke up to the ceiling.

"Yeah, Jan. It's just some friend stuff, you know how it is when you get into a little disagreement with your friend? That's all it is. We're having a disagreement." How blandly could she spell it out? Wouldn't this be what a life with Mary would entail? Talking about her roommate, her friend – all the while knowing that it was her lover, her would-be wife.

Wife! How absurd.

Rhoda pulled at her cigarette, hoping that it would make these ridiculous thoughts go away.

Mary was being rotten to her, real rotten. She'd lured Rhoda into her bed, against her lips, into her heart and she hadn't even had the decency to tell Rhoda that any of this was happening. It had all just come out in the wash. In front of Mary's parents, no less.

The nerve of her.

Rhoda finished off the cigarette, half-heartedly listening to Janey talk about her on-again-off-again guy – sounded like a real jerk, but Rhoda didn't have the heart to tell her that. She could hear the phone ringing again and this time it was Mr. Nichols who delivered the message. And he looked very unhappy with her.

"My breaks up, Nichols." Rhoda crushed the cigarette in the ashtray and stood. "Can't take the call."

"Morgenstern, you'd better deal with this and soon. I can't be taking your personal calls all day at work."

"I gotta get back to the window. I left a half-naked mannequin just lying there. It might scar the children." She held up her hands in surrender as she inched her way past his large frame.

He frowned at her as she went.