AN: I am running out of buffers for this fic, so once chapter 11 is up, that'll be it until I can focus on updates again.
For those who possibly have ALL of my fics on their alerts, you'll probably see this message a few times. I apologize. Any important updates related to the fic will be up top.
So, I've been silent for a little bit. There's a reason for this. I've been trying to get my novels published and finally, after a lot of hard work, networking, and what have you, I've accomplished my lifelong dream.
I am now an author with Silver Publishing. My novel, Destined was accepted. There are no words to express how I feel about this beyond "Excited as fucking hell." There will be more on my profile, for those interested, but the bottom line is that fanfiction will be taking a back seat for a bit while I go through editing. I have a lot of work ahead of me. I am not giving up on fanfiction. But it doesn't pay the bills, and it certainly isn't mine, unlike my own works. Just expect really, really, really slow updates.
I hope you guys who love my fanfiction will give my novel a try and thank you all so much for your patience so far. I appreciate it.
xxxxx
10
xxxxx
As much as he hated the village and everything about it; looking out at it through the top floor of the empty apartment complex and seeing wide open space as opposed to the small confines of his house – prison – was a sight he could actually appreciate. Already he felt a thousand times less claustrophobic than he had before coming here.
Sasuke stood on the balcony, dark eyes taking in the scene before him with a neutral expression. His thoughts, however, were anything but stagnant.
"Yes, I want to be with you."
Although he probably shouldn't, hearing those words gave him mixed feelings and happiness was not one of them. He put his hands on the banister, mind racing with confusion. When he sensed a familiar chakra signal he inclined his head, eyes narrowing. "Come to check up on me?"
"Aw, don't be like that, bastard." The Hokage crossed his arms as he walked out to join the Uchiha. Blue eyes took him in "They give you the rundown?"
He nodded. "I can only go out at night, I'm restricted to certain areas without an escort, I still can't leave the village, blah, blah, blah." He waved his hand in the air dismissively. "Basically, I got limited citizenship."
"Yeah. Sorry I couldn't do more; it had been a pain just getting this much."
The Uchiha shrugged. "It's better than living in that box."
Silence followed but it seemed as if Naruto was waiting for him to say something. When he didn't, the blonde gave him a look. "What about Hinata?"
Something hard twisted in his gut and he avoided the Hokage's gaze. "What about her?" What was he supposed to say?
He was given a funny look. "I thought the entire reason you were doing this was because you wanted to be with her." He frowned "You weren't just saying that...?"
"No." Sasuke continued to look out over the village. "I just..." scowling, he put his hand through his hair, absolutely frustrated. There were too many thoughts going on in his head about her and he was tired of holding it all in. He looked up at the sky. "I hate this." He admitted and Naruto's eyes widened.
"What do you mean?" he sounded confused and worried. "You trying to say –"
"I don't know what I'm saying." The brunette snapped. "It's been a year since I was brought here and ever since I've met her she's had some sort of weird affect on me one way or another. I fought it, denied it, and eventually broke down. I'm tired of fighting it, but that doesn't mean I like it."
Admitting that he had feelings for Hinata had done little to end his confusion. If anything, other emotions began to come in and hardly any of them were positive. He knew he wanted to be with her, but it wasn't as if he had any real control over his feelings. If he had, he wouldn't have allowed her to get so close to him emotionally. He was at odds with himself and was glad that he had been able to get a few days away from her to try and calm down and find his bearings.
"Love isn't something you want, it's just something that happens."
"I don't want to be in love with her." He said finally and the blonde stared at him in wide eyed shock. Sasuke didn't really know what he was saying; but he needed to voice his thoughts and feelings to someone, because he certainly wasn't able to make any sense out of it. "I don't want to be in love with anyone."
Raising his hand, he looked at it blandly. He clenched his fist. "Everything I love, dies."
And there it was. He now finally understood why he honestly didn't want to have feelings for her. He had them, he knew that, but had he the choice he'd shrug them off like an old jacket and walk away.
"Sasuke..."the brunette didn't look at the blonde, knowing that if he did he'd see sadness and pity and he didn't want it.
"Revenge had been my goal, the one thing I had lived for from the time I was seven years old. It had been all that I lived for. It was something I could control. There's no controlling this and I don't want it. I don't want to fall in love or be in love with anyone for any reason because it's just going to get ripped from me eventually anyway."
He felt so exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally; he wished once again that Naruto had left him dead because living was...
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Naruto grasp something hanging off his neck. A pendant. "You know," his voice was low and there was a sad smile on his face. "The person who gave me this...everyone she had loved had died too. When she gave the pendant to them it was like it was cursed, because they died shortly after.
"She had closed off her heart too and probably for the same reasons. It's hard to want to love again when it's taken away from you; it's easier to run from our fears than to face them." He sighed. "But you know what? I made her a promise, the same promise they had made to her, and she gave it a chance; gave me a chance."
The Hokage grinned. "I promised her I'd become Hokage, so I couldn't die before then." He held up the pendant. "I'm still here years later and I kept my promise." Blue eyes turned to the view of the village. "Life's a gamble, you know? Bad or good, I think the point is that we're supposed to live. Maybe it'll end in sadness, maybe it'll end in you being the happiest you've ever been. But you won't know until you try."
When Sasuke continued to remain silent, Naruto put a hand on his shoulder. "Listen, Hinata's...she's a really great person. Hell, she's amazing if she's actually going to put up with you." He ignored the dark glare shot his way. "Some things are worth the risk."
The response Naruto got surprised him. "You asked me once if I had ever had feelings for Sakura," Sasuke's gaze was impassive as he focused on the blonde. "Did you even try to return Hinata's feelings?" He wasn't sure why he was asking it, only that it felt important to know.
His surprise quickly turned into guilt and he looked away. "I think...maybe..." he sighed. "Maybe if she had said something years ago, I dunno. When she finally confessed, my feelings for Sakura had been..." he trailed off and the Uchiha didn't push it; didn't want to.
"I don't even know if I love her; I just know that I want her to be with me." The Uchiha shook his head. "What does that even mean?" He didn't even know what he was supposed to do; he had no idea how to be a boyfriend. He had a general understanding of how to please a woman sexually – albeit reluctantly – but having an actual relationship? The last 'relationship' he had allowed himself to have had been with his old teammates and he had shrugged that off years ago.
"No one's gonna force you to do this." Naruto frowned thoughtfully. "If you really feel like that maybe you should hold back a bit. Hinata's a really nice girl; I was all for this because I want you two to be happy, but I don't want her to get hurt. I mean, the council already believes you're here because you want to cooperate and not be at the house anymore. No one knows about your relationship with Hinata..."
"No." he shook his head. "There's a lot of things I don't know or I'm confused about; but the one thing I do know is that..." She belongs with me. "Losing her through death or by her being with someone else...it's the same." She would still no longer be in his life, would no longer be a part of it. Despite his doubts he knew there was no turning back. He had her, he wasn't going to let her go.
"So her ending up with another guy is worse than her dying so decided to bite the bullet?" the blonde looked at him as if he were a bit off his rocker. "You're a real jealous fella, aren't you?"
The Uchiha bristled at the accusation. "I'm not jeal...you know what?" when the other male started laughing he briefly contemplated strangling him. "You're an idiot."
"So what you're saying," he said between chuckles. "Is that even though you got doubts and fears and stuff you think she's worth the risk." He gave the brunette a sly look. "Since it's not you being jealous or anything..."
Taken aback, Sasuke realized the trap he had just walked into and scowled, looking away. "I guess." Because he refused to admit that he was jealous over Hinata concerning anything. Jealousy was for insecure idiots and he had no reason to be insecure nor was he an idiot. "I'm here, aren't I? I'm not going to fight my feelings, even if they make me uneasy." He scowled. "The question is whether or not she sticks around."
"Hmm...you got a point there..." the blonde held up his hands in a pacifying gesture when Sasuke took a threatening step towards him. "I'm just saying! I mean, despite what the fangirls think, you're not exactly Prince Charming."
"Go to hell."
Laughing, Naruto leaned back a bit. "You want me to give you some advice on dating?"
Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. "Like I'd really need your help with something like that." He did, but his pride would not allow him to sink so low as to ask Naruto for advice on girls. He'd never be able to call himself a man again.
Blue eyes rolled. "Whatever, you say, bastard." He paused. "Compliments."
"What?" the brunette blinked.
He was given a huge grin. "Girls like compliments. Like, even when they look horrible you tell them they look beautiful and they'll love you forever."
"That's...the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Sasuke muttered. "I thought girls didn't like it when you lied to them."
The blonde snorted. "That's a lie. Not on important things, sure, but anything you know she'll want to hear, lie if you gotta. Trust me, life will be much easier if you do. Oh yeah!" he snapped his fingers. "Be spontaneous!"
The Uchiha was obviously confused. "What are you talking about? Spontaneous?"
"Yeah! I mean like... just do random sweet stuff like buy her something, take her someplace romantic, cook dinner or whatever. Girls really like that stuff."
"...You've been reading and writing too many of those porn books." Sasuke looked skeptical. "You sound just as cheesy and corny as them." There was absolutely no way he was going to do some stuff like that and make himself look like a fool.
Another sly look emerged. "How would you know if they're corny and cheesy if you don't read them?"
Sasuke started, face beginning to burn. He looked away again. "It's not like people don't talk about those dumb books or anything. What I heard sounded stupid, that's all."
"Uh huh." Naruto decided to cut his old teammate a break, especially since he was beginning to look murderous in his embarrassment. "Anyway, last thing but most important. I know this is gonna be real hard for you –"
It wasn't until he opened his mouth that he realized he had once again walked into a trap. Damned automatic reactions. "Anything you can do, I can do twice as good."
"Be affectionate." His grin went practically from ear to ear when the Uchiha paled; staring at Naruto as if he were some sort of ghost. "And I don't mean sex, although that's always good too." It was obvious he was enjoying making the arrogant brunette uncomfortable. "Hugs, holding hands, kis-sing." He dragged the last word out, elbowing the other male. "All that really mushy stuff that you always complained about when it came to girls."
"No." he shook his head. "There's no way I'm doing that crap. Absolutely not." He couldn't even believe there were guys that actually did that stuff. Sasuke didn't even consider the make-out session that had transpired between them to even fall into those categories; mostly because he had wanted sex. Plain and simple. He had wanted her, had desired her for months prior. He didn't consider trying to have sex with someone as 'affectionate'. Not in the way Naruto was describing it.
Unfortunately, there was probably no way he'd make another attempt. One, he had done so while he had been seriously stressed out; there was no way he could do that now. Two, having her faint right in the middle had been...frustrating. He had taken care of it – a cold shower wouldn't have done a thing – but it had still been upsetting. That was not something he wanted a repeat performance of.
The blonde sighed as if he were dealing with a troublesome child. It made Sasuke want to hit him. "Dude just remember that if you don't it, someone else will. Hinata's a pretty girl; I bet if she wanted she could have a bunch of guys trying to sweep her off her feet."
"They can try." He muttered low under his breath. "Whatever. Obviously, she hasn't been turned off by me yet and I haven't exactly been all that nice."
Naruto shrugged. "Whatever you say, bastard." He pulled back a sleeve "Anyway, I better get going; I promised Sakura I'd be home soon. "
"Tch." Sasuke scowled. "You sound completely whipped."
The blonde's laugh made him feel uneasy, as if he knew something he didn't. When he reached the door he stopped, looked at Sasuke and then chuckled again, shaking his head. "You poor, poor bastard." The door closed with a soft click leaving the Uchiha wondering just what the hell he had gotten himself into.
xxxxx
Awkward was the best term to describe his current situation.
Damn that Naruto for putting all of that garbage into his head. This would have been awkward regardless as he truly had no idea concerning how to be an actual boyfriend, but it was even more now with everything they had talked about.
Hinata had arrived shortly after Naruto had left through the balcony, as being seen entering through the front would look suspicious. Like before his breath caught and his heart did that funny thing whenever she was around and with the blonde's words fresh in his mind, he found his face heating to his complete annoyance. He hated acting so ridiculous around her. He wasn't a kid, he shouldn't be reacting like this.
He took in the plastic bags she was holding curiously, causing her to blush prettily at the scrutiny. "I um..." she looked down and he found himself wanting to walk up to her and...well he wasn't entirely sure, only that he wanted to do something...affectionate.
Naruto wasn't serious about all that crap was he? There was no way.
"May I use your kitchen?" she asked politely, raising the bags a bit. "I was thinking maybe I could...cook dinner?" she looked down again and he felt a little more relaxed seeing that she felt just as awkward as he did.
"Yeah." He pointed his thumb behind him. "It's over there." He felt...so stupid. What happened to all of his bravado a few days ago? Of course, he had been a little emotional at the time, which had made him react strangely. Being allowed his freedom had calmed him considerably although his feelings for her were the same.
He was still unsure and uncertain about things and there was a deep rooted fear building within him at allowing someone to affect him so closely again. Anything could happen to her and then he'd have to go through the pain of losing someone he loved all over again...
Wait. He didn't love her, not really. He liked her, he admitted that much, but love?
Who am I kidding? He thought miserably as he watched her back from the distance. She's the first girl I've ever had feelings for and I'm doing all of this for her. If it's not love it's something close to it.
Sasuke wasn't sure how he felt about that besides vulnerable. Weak, even. He had shed off all his weaknesses in the past and now here he was, fully welcoming another one into his world.
She's just going to die eventually... Eventually she would be ripped from him, they always were. Now he felt stupid but for a completely different reason.
"Some things are worth the risk."
He really hoped so; it'd make him feel less like he was making one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
With Naruto's words about girls and relationships bouncing around in his head he found himself walking over towards the threshold of his kitchen to watch Hinata. His apartment wasn't very big; in fact it looked almost exactly like his old apartment before he had left the village. A couch, television, bedroom with a joint bathroom. There was a small room he guessed was for guests – it was more like a closet, really – and another bathroom outside of his bedroom. The kitchen was somewhat closed off with one wall that was opened like a bar towards the living room.
It hadn't taken her long to find pots and pans and his little home quickly began to fill with the delicious scents of her cooking. Leaning against the frame he regarded her for a moment, taking in her long dark hair and the way she hummed to herself. Hinata reminded him so much of his mother it was almost painful at times.
Feeling a little odd, he closed the distance, trying to dismiss Naruto's words and failing. Would she really like it if he said and did stupid mushy things? The notion was ridiculous and he had no idea why he would even make an attempt; she seemed to like him just fine as he was.
"If you don't, someone else will."
Damn you, Naruto. The thought of her getting swept off her feet by another, more sensitive guy was too much. Face red, he awkwardly put his hands on her shoulders, making her jump. Her eyes flew up to him as she turned, an action that made her press against his front. Her face flushed with red and he forced himself to look nonchalant despite his obvious embarrassment.
"Hey." He looked at what she was making. "What's that you're –" his dark gaze flickered to white and he started. Now all he could think about was how soft she felt and how pretty she looked to him.
He hadn't even realized he had kissed her until he felt her arms wrap around his neck as she turned to face him. His arms wrapped around her slender frame, dark eyes hooded as his lips moved over hers. Hands slid up her back and he pulled her close, taking in the taste of something sweet as tongues slowly moved against each other. Sasuke briefly wondered what it was she ate all the time that made her taste sweet. He didn't actually mind it, he was just curious.
Backing her up into the counter his hand moved into her hair, enjoying the feel of silky strands. Everything about her felt good and natural and the feelings that moved through him weren't entirely sexual in nature.
What is this girl doing to me?
Pulling back, he kept his arms around her and hesitated before speaking. "You...uh...look really..." he sighed in irritation. He was definitely going to murder the hokage if he was wrong about this. "Pretty."
The Uchiha had fully expected to get laughed at or given a funny look. Instead, she blinked owlishly, her face turning an interesting shade of red, and looked away from him. She was smiling, although it was obvious his words were very embarrassing. Feeling foolish and embarrassed himself, he began to pull back fully. "Sorry." He muttered. That damn idiot; he had probably said all that crap so that he'd make a fool of himself.
"Oh...n-no I just..." she put her hands to her face and continued to avoid his gaze. "N-no one has ever s-said I was..."
His surprise was genuine. "No one?" even before he had realized his feelings for her he had thought she was pretty. Not beautiful, as he was beginning to think, and not average, but definitely not ugly. So that meant that she was pleased by the compliment? Should he...give her another? Or maybe...
This is so stupid! This was all so incredibly frustrating and moronic and he really wanted to...
"Th...thank you." Her soft words brought him out of his thoughts. "Sasuke-kun."
At least he was already red, so that she didn't notice how her finally addressing him less formally affected him. A part of him felt excited that she was finally treating him the way she had treated others; she had always kept him at an emotional distance and he could admit now that it had upset him. Sasuke had felt childish about it but he had wanted her to treat him like the others as well, he had wanted to feel as if he meant something to her. He knew the reason why now, although at the time he had been confused.
"Yeah." He resisted the urge to scratch the back of his head like a certain blonde idiot. "I'll...let you get back to cooking."
She gave him a small and demure smile that warmed her eyes and made him feel funny. "Okay."
He walked out to the living room, feeling weird. He felt embarrassed, happy, frustrated, confused and a little afraid. It hadn't been much but she had still been very happy about his compliment which did make him feel good but it also meant that she was only affecting his heart even more now.
The closer he became to her the more vulnerable he'd become. The easier it would be for him to get hurt again. But chasing her away was out of the question, he had done it once before...
Wait.
He stopped moving, standing in the middle of the room as dark purple flashed in his mind's eye. Just now he had remembered something from a very long time ago; a year after the clan massacre. With his excellent memory he was quickly able to conjure it up and wondered how he could have actually forgotten that encounter almost ten years back.
"Otousan...okaasan...everyone..." he was sitting at the edge of the lake, his face buried in his arms. Even after a year he still couldn't stop crying whenever he thought about them. The images from Itachi's Tsukuyomi haunted him whenever he closed his eyes or slept. He would constantly hear their screams and pleas, see their lifeless eyes.
'Why?' he thought not for the first or last time. 'Aniki I don't understand...I don't...'
There was nothing left but a huge gaping hole where his heart had been and he knew it would never be filled again. He was so alone, so lonely. He would do anything to see his father's stern stare or feel his mother's arms around him again. His nightmares were constant and yet when he'd awaken there would be nothing. No one would come to ask if he was alright, no one would hug him and tell him everything would be okay.
It would never be okay again. Everyone who looked at him now did so with pity and sadness and he hated it, hated them. He didn't want their pity and their sadness was garbage. They didn't understand his pain at all; they were all probably thinking it was good that it hadn't happened to them. They were all so fake, none of them really cared about him, especially not those stupid girls that fawned over him. His family had been the only ones who had cared and loved him and they were all dead.
He could hear his mother begging for his brother to spare them, spare her, and could only helplessly watch as she was ruthlessly cut down just as everyone else had been. There had been no hesitation in his brother's swing, no remorse. Over and over the images he had been forced to relive pounded into his mind until he thought he was going to go insane.
'Please don't leave me. I don't want to be alone. Please come back.'
The boy jerked when he heard something off in the distance. Quickly, he rubbed at his face, trying to hide his tears. Anger quickly replaced sadness at the intruder. "Who's there?" he demanded. If it was one of those silly girls following him he was definitely going to give them a piece of his mind. He wasn't in the mood for it today.
What emerged from the bushes surprised him. It was a young girl, from his class even, and she looked just as surprised to see him. She was wearing a dark purple shinobi ensemble that matched the color of her hair, and her white eyes were filled with tears.
White eyes... "You're a Hyuuga." His eyes narrowed, waiting for her to start squealing or something equally annoying like all the other girls did.
He was surprised again when she wiped at her own face, looking away. "I-I'm sorry I...I didn't know anyone would be here..."
"Why are you crying?" he wasn't sure why he was asking, he didn't even know this girl. She didn't seem to be one of his many admirers so maybe that was it.
The question had her eyes filling with tears once more. "O-otousan..."
Something hard ripped through his stomach at the mention of her father. She was crying, maybe something had happened? "Is he dead?" for him, it was the only logical reason he could think of.
"N-no I just..." she shook her head, hiccupping as she looked down at the ground. "I keep failing him..."
The sensation increased and he began to feel sick to his stomach. His own father had never seemed very impressed with him in comparison to aniki. There had been many times when he had also felt like a failure because he hadn't been at Itachi's level of skill when he had been that age.
Then his chest began to feel tight and anger bubbled through him. At least she had a father, a family. "Stop crying!" he snapped at her and she jumped, eyes wide. "If you don't want to fail him then don't! Train harder and stop feeling sorry for yourself!" He realized he was saying the same words to her that he told himself every day and looked away. The hot feeling increased for the more he thought about his father the more vivid the memories of his death became.
"If you want...to make him happy then do it..." his head felt dizzy and his stomach felt as if it was going to explode. "Because one day you could wake up and...it'll all be gone."
Images becoming overwhelming, he found himself on all fours as he began to empty the contents of his stomach into the lake itself. He was vaguely aware of her making a small noise and then nothing. Fresh tears burned hot behind his eyelids and he fought to keep them at bay as his stomach quivered and lurched a few more times.
He had been coughing when he felt something warm begin to rub along his back and through his hair. From the corner of his eye he saw dark purple as the girl kneeled beside him. Slowly he looked up at her through red rimmed eyes. She looked very nervous and unsure.
"My...okaasan used to do this when I...wasn't feeling good." She explained and he noticed the bottle of water in her other hand. The short haired girl gave him a small, nervous smile. "S-she would sing and tell me 'It's okay Hinata-chan, everything will be fine and you'll feel better real soon.' It...i-it always made me feel better. S-so...I..." she offered the bottle of water. "I hope you'll feel better real soon. I hope...things will get better."
The boy stared at her in shock. No one had ever approached him like this girl had. Her sorrow and sympathy – not pity – was sincere. She was afraid and nervous but she still...for him...
His face began to heat as he really looked at the girl for the first time. She had large white eyes, pale skin and a gentle smile. Her smile reminded him of his mother and he looked down at the bottle of water, a small smile emerging. Even though he wouldn't feel better and it wouldn't be okay; she was the first person to say those words and mean them.
As he reached for the water bottle he looked back up at her. She was actually really pretty and all of a sudden he felt his heart start to beat really fast. This girl was so nice and maybe...
Fear gripped him as he realized what he was beginning to feel. No! Never again! He made a promise, an oath. Anyone who became close to him would just end up dying. This girl had to go away, he didn't want to have anything to do with her.
"Don't touch me!" he flung his arm out, slapping the bottle of water out of her hand. She felt back on her bottom and he stood, glaring down at her. "Where do you get off anyway? Get out of here! Get lost!"
She cried out, her hands flying to her mouth. Her eyes were wide with fear and confusion.
"I said leave!" he shouted it at her and she staggered up to her feet, tears in her eyes. "Don't ever come near me again! The sight of you makes me sick! Just go!"
He fell down to his knees when she finally ran out of his line of sight, his dark gaze taking in the bottle of water she had no doubt ran to get from the nearby vending machine. Slowly, he reached for it but then stopped himself. No, he needed to harden his heart and that meant he would forget about her and this incident. Never again would he allow someone to get close to him.
Ten years had passed since that day; he wondered if Hinata even remembered it. Probably not, he certainly hadn't until just now. He had gone out of his way to avoid and ignore her after that and eventually he had become so consumed with revenge he had forgotten all about the brief emotions he'd held for the shy girl. She had been the first and only girl he had ever had a crush on – even then.
What did that mean, now that they were together? Even back then he had been cruel to her and now that he thought about it, he had done it for the same reasons. The last time he had chased her away, would he end up doing it again?
Naruto's words began to return and a different sort of fear seized him. What if she didn't die but he pushed her away and she went into the arms of another guy? What if he became the reason he lost her? He had lost one of the most important people to him because of his own ignorance and actions and that feeling...he never wanted to feel like that again. It still hurt badly and would until he died.
"S-Sasuke-kun!" Hinata's startled cry was cut short when he briskly closed the distance between them and pulled her into a hard kiss; his arms tight around her body.
He was still incredibly confused and afraid of many things; but the thought of losing her was something he couldn't abide by. Good or bad, she was his and he wasn't going to let her go; he didn't care what he had to do.
Pulling back, he framed her face in his hands. "Hinata, stay with me tonight."
He might lose her through death but it certainly wasn't going to happen because he had been being an idiot. That was one mistake he would not repeat.