Disclaimer: Ok, I'll do it one last time—I don't own shit!

Welcome, once again—well, actually—one last time, to the news! This will be the final episode of this series and I want to thank each and every one of you who supported this series since its inception (albeit, not that long ago). Our final host shall be a man who needs no introduction and is a recognized icon in the world of wrestling, ladies and gentlemen, I give you—R-Truth!

R is dressed in full wrestling gera (naturally) and is wearing a tie around his neck as he sips his 40 oz. and shuffles his papers.

He smiles and stars, "Good evenin', peoples! My name's 'da TROOF! And if you wanna' know 'da TROOF, you came to 'da right place! Let's DO 'dis shit!

Ok, uh…Wif' the rash of recent firings in the WWE, most undercard ress—uh…wrestlers are said to be nervous about 'dey job stability. Those MOST worried are my nigga' Kofi, white boy Heaf' Slater, Santino, Brodus Clay, Lord Tensai, Alex Riley, and Michael McGillicutty. In an effort to boost morale, Eve Torres has plans to let them all bang her.

Sheeeeit, I'ma git' me a piece a'DAT!

Anyways, former legend Junkyard Dog was in the news this week, as he was named as the lead suspect in a murder trial by the defense team. This revel—rev…er, DAMN…REVELATION came to pass when it was discovered that prior to her death, she was powerslammed and headbutted by a guy with the word THUMP written on his ass. JYD's festering corpse could not be reached for comment.

Next up, shawty-the WWE has released 'dey latest CD of theme music. On' DIS one, you can hear a special "bonus track". You see, as a rib, the bonus track at the end of the CD is a recorded session of fuckin—um…ahem, er…I mean, LOVE MAKIN' between HHH and Stephanie. The pig-like squeals and cries of "HUNTER IS THE MAN" iz' bad enough, but then Stephanie starts talkin' and things just go downhill from there. Still, most music critics cite 'dat shit as the best song on the CD."

Truth stops, smiles at the camera, semi-sterotypical gold tooth shining, and takes a sip of his 40. He continues, "AAAAAAAGH! DAT shit was refreshing like a MUH'fuck!

Ok, here we gots 'dat nigga' Kenta Kobashi recently defended his GHC title with a 42-minute victory in what many people are calling a 5-star classic. Apparently, Vince McMahon saw that, and plans are already being drawn up for "Kenta, the Asian who loves to hula hoop" to debut as a lower mid-card comedy gimmick to feud with Nattie Neidhart….Damn, hahaha…'dat shit's fucked UP, yo!

Anyway, backstage at an ROH show, Samoa Joe apparently got into a scuffle with a fan. The fan was hurling racial slurs at Joe throughout his match, and somehow managed to get backstage, where Joe got a hold of him and landed a few blows before things were broken up. The amazing part of this story? That fan was none other than Sir Elton John...SAMOA JOE'S NATURAL BORN FATHER!

-The music career of Hulk Hogan's thick-ass daughter appears to be done wif'. When meetin' with top record execs, the Hogan family was apparently furious. Said Hulk, "They wanted Brooke to dress like a tramp, and even hinted that she may get more airplay if she performed sexual favors for them, brother! This business is despicable, dude!" I would have quoted more, but his bref' TO 'DIS DAY reeks of Vince McMahon's semen.

-TNA is toying with the idea of showing titties on 'dey next PPV. They think the site of natural DD's may appeal to the male teen demographic. 'Dat honky Jeff Jarrett be sayin', "We've already got the angle planned out, we just need the OK from the performers." No word yet on if Dusty Rhodes is willing to do this angle or not.

-Staying with TNA, they've inked a deal to release action figures. Look for Series 1 to hit shelves by Christmas. Figures include Jeff Jarrett w/a guitar, Abyss w/a bag of tacks, Jeff Hardy w/a ladder, and of course, Austin Aries w/nothing interesting at all. To save money, they expect to just repaint the Austin Aries figure in future series, change the head, keep the added features and release almost everyone in the X-Division. I can't wait to get MY ass a Sonjay Dutt!

Fans, hey yo…On-On a tragic note, another wrestling star has been stricken with disease. Former WWE IC champ Chyna is battling with cancer as well. On Chyna's website, a note says, "I do not want my fans to feel sorry for me. Just keep me in yo' prayers, and with yo' support, I know I can beat 'dis!" From everyone here at the news, we hope Chyna has a speedy recovery from testicular cancer. 'Dat's right, nucka-I spent a paragraph building to a "Chyna has testicles" joke.

Movin' own-The WWE Raw brand ran a house show in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania over the weekend. During the main event, 'Dat half-breed muthafucka' David Otunga got upset with a fan and attacked him, spitting at him and landing with a right hand. The fat, ugly sloth of a man was immediately removed from the buildings. No word on if former WWE tag-team champ Marty Janetty is going to be pressing charges against Otunga or the WWE at this time.

-Hey, yo! Check 'DIS shit out-Lance Storm recently updated his website! 'Dat nigga' was talkin' 'bout commenting on all the recent releases by the company. Hahaha…He say, he say…uh…"'Dey must have forgot 'dey still payin' me! Seriously, my career highlight is doing the cabbage patch for Steve Austin."

Hahahaha! Cabbage patch for Steve Austin—I remember 'DAT shit. Anyway, thanks for tunin' in and this is 'da SHO' 'nuff TROOF, baby! Yaw 'da SHIT! Peace out, bitches!

A/N—I'd like to thank everyone that supported this series in the brief time that it has run. All of you have been very encouraging and I wish you all the best. This is AlKaholiK, signing off.