"I think it will always be about you.." [S2, Ep4 - Kate to Caroline]
It had been just another ordinary day. Saturday, shopping in town; Kate, Olivia and her. She had gone to get Celia a birthday card while Kate, with Olivia finished shopping in Boots. Wandering back to rejoin them, the mist of the encounter with the uncommunicative youth in WH Smith still settled annoyingly around her shoulders, she turned the corner to see Kate laughing, her hand outstretched touching another woman's arm.
The woman was attractive. Who was she kidding? The woman was...bloody stunning. A shiny, honey coloured bob topped an open, even-featured face: wide green eyes, high cheekbones, flawless skin, full mouth. God, she looked like she'd just stepped out of an advert for shampoo! Caroline wanted to turn around and pretend she'd never seen it. Kate and this woman. Laughing together. Kate and this...beautiful woman.
Caroline found that her legs had continued to walk toward Kate, while her mind had been racing. Kate turned, smiling as she arrived, "Caroline. This is Kim. An old friend. Kim, this is Caroline, my partner." Kate drew Caroline to her, putting her arm around her waist.
Caroline flashed her best smile, holding out her hand, "Kim, hi. Pleased to meet you."
Kim took her hand, "Caroline, hi. Kate was just telling me all about you." Her smile was beguiling, her green eyes flashed. For some reason Caroline was reminded of the Sirens of Greek mythology. She thought about saying something witty but nothing materialised. Their hands unfastened and returned to their respective owners.
Lost in her thoughts, Caroline suddenly realised Kim was talking. "So, Kate. Here...", she handed her her phone, "...put your number in there. I'll give you a call and we can arrange a time to meet up. Catch up properly." Kate smiled her beautiful smile, took the phone and did as asked before handing it back. "Great", Kim flashed that model smile again. "Ok, got to go, babe. I'll call you. Soon." She leant over and kissed Kate's cheek. Caroline could smell her perfume and her endearment lingered in the air oppressively. Kim turned to Caroline, "Great to meet you Caroline." That smile again.
"Yes. You too", Caroline felt more in control as Kim started to withdraw. Walked away. Her shoulders relaxed.
She turned to Kate, "So. She seems nice. How long have you known her?"
"God. Ages." Kate smiled a little warily but gave her waist a little squeeze before she removed her arm to take hold of Olivia's buggy.
The two women started to walk back to the car. "She's very...pretty." Caroline's words were deliberately light but the air around them felt heavy.
"Yes. She always...has been." Kate seemed circumspect but then continued in a rush, "Caroline, it was a long time ago but we dated. For a while."
"Oh. Ok." A small muscle twitched in Caroline's neck. "I can certainly see why you'd be attracted to her."
"I just...wanted you to know. But it was a long time ago. Ancient history."
Caroline smiled tightly, "Kim and Kate. Sounds rather...twee lesbian stereotype."
Kate threw Caroline an amused look, "Since when do you know about lesbian stereotypes?"
"I'm not entirely unaware of lesbian...stuff, you know."
Kate sniggered, "Well if you ever go on Mastermind, lesbian stuff can be your specialist subject then."
Caroline threw Kate a look that was intended to be withering but when she saw Kate's face, her eyebrow lifted in amusement, she couldn't help but laugh at herself before muttering, "I may just do that."
"Well, if you need any help...studying...just let me know", Kate's tone was deliberately suggestive.
Caroline adopted a similar tone as she said in a low voice, "Oh, I will."
"What do you think, Olivia, will it sink or float?" Caroline knelt by the bath handing the little girl a plastic duck.
"Ummmm...I think...foat!" She took the plastic toy and placed it carefully in front of her on the water. The duck listed to one side, half floating at a seemingly impossible angle, its moulded plastic wing skimming the water's surface, its base partially submerged. Olivia looked at it thoughtfully, "It mostly foat mama, but bit sink too."
Caroline smiled lovingly and stroked Olivia's cheek, "That's right chicken, it is!"
From the doorway Kate said wryly, "Another science lesson I see."
Caroline looked up at her girlfriend, "You look...very nice."
Kate smiled, "Thanks."
"You sure you don't want me to give you a lift?"
"No thanks sweetheart, I'm not intending to drink." Kate looked at Caroline intently, "Are you sure you're ok with me going?"
Caroline did her best to look astounded, "Of course I am Kate! Do you think I'd tell you who you could and couldn't see?!" She looked back to Olivia as a way of not having to retain eye contact.
"Of course I don't darling." Kate looked at Caroline, almost a little sadly, "I love you, y'know."
"I love you too." Caroline could feel tears pricking her eyes although she had no idea why. She turned away again.
"Ok then, I'll be off." Kate bent to kiss Olivia's head. "'Night sweetheart, be good for mama."
"Night mummy", Olivia said distractedly as she filled and poured a jug onto the duck, still listing in the water. The duck bobbed up and down frantically, its plastic smile still plastered to its face. Caroline watched the duck and held her breath.
"I'll see you later, sweetheart. I won't be late." Kate bent again to kiss Caroline's lips but could only reach the very corner of her mouth as she busied herself playing with Olivia.
Without looking around Caroline said cheerily, "Yep. Have fun. Say hi to Kim for me."
Kate looked at her quizzically for a moment and then turned away, "Will do."
Caroline held the duck under the water and then released it, watching it bob to the surface. Her breath stuck in her throat and she gave a half sob.
Olivia looked at her, "Where mummy gone?"
Caroline stroked the little girl's arm, "She's gone to see a friend, darling."
"Oh. Mummy gone pay date?"
"Yes. Like a play...date." Caroline picked the duck out of the water and squeezed it. A stream of water came out of the small hole in the bottom. She put it back in the bath, where it floated upright properly.
"Mama fix the duck!" Olivia sounded as overjoyed as only a small child could at something so easy to achieve.
"Yes darling, mama fixed the duck", Caroline said joylessly.
The house phone rang at around 8pm. Caroline answered it to find it was Celia phoning 'for a chat'.
"You answered that quickly, were you sitting on it?"
"I just...didn't want Olivia to wake up, she's only just gone to sleep."
"Is she alright, the little chick?"
"She's fine mum, just a bit late to settle tonight."
There was a pause and then Celia said, "Are you ok Caroline? You sound...a bit..."
"A bit what?"
"Oh I don't know. At sixes and sevens I suppose."
"I'm fine mum."
Celia was clearly unconvinced. "Have you and Kate had a row?"
"No mum, Kate's not even here." Caroline could've cut her tongue out as soon as she'd said it.
"Oh? Where is she then?"
Caroline tried to sound upbeat, "She's out...with a friend."
"A friend? How come you haven't gone with her?" Celia clearly had the bit between her teeth now.
Caroline stopped herself sighing, "It's someone she used to da...know a while ago. I've only met her very briefly. It makes sense that it's just her and Kate...they'll want to...reminisce...I expect."
There was a marked pause at the other end of the line, then Celia said, "So she's an...ex-girlfriend is she, this woman?"
Caroline stared at the ceiling and wished she'd just ignored the bloody phone. "
Caroline? Is she?" Celia was nothing if not tenacious.
Caroline sighed, "Yes mum, I believe they did date for a little while...ages ago."
"Oh. Is that...normal then?"
Caroline's tone was clipped, "Is what normal?"
"Being...friendly...with someone you used to...date?"
"I believe it can be done, yes."
"And you're...alright with that are you?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Caroline couldn't stop herself snapping.
"No reason. Just...wondered." Celia paused, floundering a bit and then when Caroline didn't respond, "It's not like Kate would...well, she's very straightforward isn't she?"
Caroline studied the crack in the ceiling and wondered if it had got bigger. "Anyway mum", she said brightly, "I've got some paperwork to finish. I'll see you in the week, will I?"
Caroline was in bed when Kate came home. She looked at the clock as she heard the car's wheels crunch on the drive and noticed that it was 11:11.
A couple of minutes later Kate came quietly into the bedroom. "I'm not asleep, so there's no need to be extra quiet."
"Oh good." Caroline could hear the smile in her voice. "I was worried I might wake you."
"Did you...have a nice time?" Caroline didn't really want to know the answer.
"Yes", Kate's reply was tentative.
"It sounds like there's a 'but' missing." Caroline tried not to let the hope shine through the darkness.
"No. It was nice to spend some time...catching up. We're just...quite different these days."
"How so?" Caroline felt the hope escape her chest and rise up like a feather on the breeze.
"Hold on. I just want to brush my teeth." Kate was already in the en-suite. She put the light on over the mirror. Caroline could see her illuminated gently, her skin golden, her face glowing and beautiful. So beautiful. The feather started to spiral downwards.
Kate brushed her teeth and Caroline looked at the ceiling. No cracks here. Maybe she'd missed a crack. She looked harder in the dim light, straining her eyes.
The light snapped off and she could hear Kate moving into the bedroom. The gentle rustle of clothes being removed followed. Caroline started to feel exposed.
Kate slipped into bed and immediately snuggled up to Caroline. Her skin was cool and precious like gold or platinum. Caroline was afraid to touch her in case she left marks, blemishes.
"Caroline, are you tired?"
"I'm...ok."
There was a pause and then Kate said, "Kim and I, we're...different people now. Well, I am certainly. I think she's the same actually. Still full of life, ready to party. Still...Kim."
Caroline heard herself, as if from underwater, ask, "Did you...love her?"
She heard Kate take a sharp breath before saying, "Caroline, it was such a long time ago."
"She's very beautiful, Kate."
"Caroline. You are beautiful." Kate raised herself to peer into Caroline's face in the dark.
"We're not talking about me, Kate." Caroline's voice shook despite herself.
"She's part of my past Caroline, my dim and distant past."
"She seemed very present to me."
"Caroline, sweetheart...she's an ex...a friend. We have shared history but that's it. My life now is about you and Olivia."
"Then why does it feel like it's all about her? Like she's swept in and...lit up your life?" Caroline felt like she was drowning in feathers. Like they were suffocating her.
"Caroline, you're wrong you know. It's not about anybody except you. It never has been." She paused, looking into Caroline's eyes deeply, Caroline could see Kate's eyes glinting, seriously in the light from the bedside clock. "From the moment we first kissed...and with every moment after it's been about you. I think it will always be about you."
The suffocating weight that had been on Caroline's chest lifted suddenly with the force of Kate's words. She surfaced, gasping into the night. Into their bed. Hers and Kate's. Caroline wrapped her arms around her. Buoyant. Safe.