Chapter Nine: Shuffling

Iruka woke up alone, and not particularly comfortable. He was really wishing he had taken a shower, but he'd been a little too caught up in the emotional intensity of the moment to think of it before going to sleep. Sighing, he pulled himself out of the bed and went off for a shower, figuring the noise he made along the way would be enough to alert Genma of his wakefulness and bring him running if he needed some kind of attention. He was still thinking of things that way, that Genma was upset and he needed to take care of him, he realized. Was that still what was going on here, or had last night taken them past that point and turned it into something else? He wasn't sure, and he didn't really think that was a question he felt comfortable asking. He was determined not to think about anything while he was showering, wanted to just cleanse his mind along with his body, and afterwards he did feel quite refreshed.

It was just past dawn, for all that they had gotten to bed very late. He figured he had probably been waken up by Genma rambling around the house or something, though he couldn't really remember hearing a noise. Getting out of the shower, he dressed in more borrowed clothing, and finally took a look down the hallway to see where his friend had gone. He started to call out, but the words died on his lips when he caught sight of him.

The man was sitting just by the front door, with a scarf wrapped around his neck despite the warmth of the house. Raidou's scarf, the one Iruka had bought Raidou himself, the one Raidou had left hanging on a hook, the one Genma had carefully avoided looking at the past few times they entered the house. He had his nose buried in it, and he didn't look up, even though Iruka knew he'd made plenty of noise to alert the man of his presence.

Iruka turned abruptly, heading to the empty room at the back of the house where Genma tended to meditate or work, where Iruka himself had spent a lot of time working on their shared mission with him when they were younger. He took a seat on the cushions, crossed his legs, and thought.

He had meant it when he said he was happy about the idea that he and Genma might be able to be together now. He had meant it last night when he'd said he loved Genma (and his heart broke at that thought, the way Genma had been saying "I love you" over and over to him as if it were being torn out of him). He had meant everything he'd said, and everything he had done, and yet he had also meant it when he told Kakashi he was going to come back to him. He'd never intended for taking care of a broken-hearted Genma to turn into becoming romantically or sexually involved with him again, it had just happened because he was so confused by his lack of over-empathetic insanity from Genma's distress.

And now, the very man he was thinking about was sitting in the hallway with Raidou's scarf around his neck, and suddenly Iruka started to feel like he might have an inkling of how Raidou felt. He wanted to talk to Raidou now, wished he could do something for him, even though he knew he was the wrong person to try. All the same, he had to do something, because Genma was going to break either way, it seemed, and Iruka… was screwed any way he looked at it, really, so it would be best to do what he could for his friends and then worry about himself later. "You've been far too selfish already," he said aloud, and he tried to make himself regret last night's actions, wanted to feel shame and guilt, but couldn't, because every moment of that memory was already soaked in the love he'd had for Genma for so long.

He sighed again, heaved himself to his feet and walked through the house to stand by the side of the broken man sitting in the hallway with sleep-mussed hair, naked but for a scarf. It should have been a comedic image, ridiculous, but instead it was merely tragic. "Ruka-kun, it's not you, I mean, I want…"

Iruka shook his head. "It's too late for that, isn't it?"

Genma did look up at him then, his eyes wide and his mouth twisted as if he was in pain. "Is it? Does it have to be? Am I going to lose you too?"

Iruka sighed, reaching out and running a hand through the other man's hair. "Not 'lose me too'. But I think you know as well as I do that it isn't me you really want now." He smiled down at him gently, and then crouched down so he was at eye level. Slowly, giving the deadly shinobi in front of him plenty of time to react if he chose, he kissed his lips gently. "You going to be okay here if I go out for a few minutes?"

Genma looked back at him surprised, and then nodded glumly. Iruka stepped into his shoes, ignoring the fact that he was wearing nothing but a borrowed t-shirt and sweatpants and had neither put his hair up nor taken any weapons, and let himself out, locking the door and setting the traps on his way out.

He knew exactly where he was going, and he felt stupid for doing it, but he really couldn't think of any other way to resolve things. So he went straight to Anko's, figuring he probably wouldn't even be allowed in, but knowing he had to try. He really hoped the fact he wasn't wearing any weapons and couldn't defend himself would deter Raidou from beating the shit out of him. Too much, anyway.

It turned out that getting in wasn't an issue, because Raidou was sitting on the porch, idly dealing cards out to himself. He looked up, saw Iruka coming, and shook his head glumly. "I don't know what you think you're doing, but I really don't want to deal with you right now." His eyes roamed up and down Iruka's body, and then he added, "Especially not wearing his clothes."

Iruka could feel the blush, but kept his voice carefully level. His eyes strayed to the cards, and an idea came to him. "Just one game, and I'll leave you alone for as long as I live if you like, I swear it."

The big man gave him a suspicious look, but gestured to the spot next to him and shuffled the cards. He didn't ask what game they were going to play, because if it was going to be the last card game they ever played, it could only be one game. He said nothing as he dealt the cards, and resisted the urge to throw the game immediately, still believing his friend deserved at least this.

"Just a little while ago we were talking about the day we made up this game, but we didn't talk about what else was going on at that time," Iruka said quietly. "Did either of us ever tell you that Genma and I nearly broke up that day, because he was so upset with my going off and plotting against him instead of just saying exactly what I needed?"

Raidou shook his head, then muttered, "I told him what I wanted, and he said he'd do it, and he didn't."

Iruka nodded. "Yes, but did you tell him you were upset about it enough to leave him, or did you try to downplay it to be 'nice'?"

One memory after another flooded Raidou's mind, and he heard his own voice saying, "It's okay, it's not that big a deal" and "I'm not mad at you or anything" and "Of course if you aren't ready yet, we'll just do it later," and his eyes bored into Iruka's. "How did you know?" he asked, and his voice sounded odd to him, as if perhaps there were tears on their way. He turned the scarred cheek and rubbed it into his shoulder, his hands still busy with the cards.

There was the smile, the my-heart-is-breaking-but-I-smile-anyway one. "I know you, Rai, and I know how you've always treated him. Believe me, I'm not saying any of this is your fault. But I just wanted you to know, in case you… changed your mind or something."

Raidou gave Iruka a long look, not sure what to think. Considering what Kakashi had said to him as he left on his mission, he had thought Kakashi meant he was in danger of losing Iruka to Genma, and he had no doubts about how Iruka was likely to have "consoled" Genma. "So, what, you stumbled out of his bed to come say that to me?" he asked bitterly.

Iruka was so startled by the tone that he lost the flow of the game, and looked down to find it again. Realizing what that meant, he sighed, set his cards down, and stood as if to leave. But the larger man was fast, and clamped his hands around Iruka's arm, pulling him back down roughly. "Answer the question, Iruka," he growled, his face red except for the shiny impassive skin of his scars.

"Yes," whispered Iruka, turning his face away, finally feeling that shame he had so wished for earlier. The punch that came wasn't unexpected, but he didn't dodge, merely sat there and took it. It hurt like hell, but his jaw didn't break, and he was smart enough to know that it would have if Raidou had put everything he had into it.

"Thank you," said Raidou, as if he hadn't just slugged the man in front of him. "You're a horrible friend, but you're my friend, and don't forget it. Now get the hell out of here before I do lose my temper."

Iruka went, scurrying off into the early morning light, resisting the urge to cup his hand over his injured face. Unfortunately, he managed to run right into someone at the end of the street, and fell. The sturdy hands that caught him were all too familiar, and he found he couldn't look their owner in the face.

"Iruka-sensei, didn't I tell you to be more careful?" came the cheerful voice, and then one of those hands reached up to touch the bruise already forming on his jaw. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Raidou punched me," Iruka admitted, focusing his eyes on the orange collar, knowing Naruto was angry with him even if he acted cheerful.

"Oh, well, you deserved it I bet," the young man said, though inwardly he winced a little to see his Iruka-sensei hurt. "I stopped by your place late last night, and you weren't there."

"No, I wasn't," Iruka replied simply, not bothering to try to make excuses for himself. He finally gathered his courage and looked up into those brilliant blue eyes, dreading the disappointment he knew he'd see there. He flinched, and then suddenly did feel like he should explain himself. "Naruto, Genma and I broke up because we couldn't maintain stability together, we drove each other crazy, and I'm starting to think that might not be the case anymore. I know that doesn't excuse anything, but…"

Naruto was torn. The man in front of him with the bruises on his face and tears in his eyes was his favorite person in the entire world, but he was breaking Kakashi's heart, and Kakashi had been his teacher as well. Iruka was just plain wrong in this case, and Naruto knew it, and didn't know how to deal with it. But… and suddenly it hit him, as he remembered how he himself had thrown away everything for someone he cared about, had been willing to defy any authority to get Sasuke back, and Sasuke hadn't even been his lover. "Iruka-sensei, are you saying you're going to leave Kakashi?" he asked in a low voice.

Iruka shook his head then, slowly, as if he had to think about it first. "I don't think so now, but… I still can't promise I won't, if he asks me to. I don't think he'll ask now." He didn't want to explain that he was honestly hoping to get Genma and Raidou back together, because it was too complicated to understand himself, let alone explain to someone else.

Naruto's fists were clenched, but he merely nodded sharply. "If you do, don't expect me to be happy about it. But if it makes you happy… then I won't blame you. I care about Kakashi, and I don't want to see him hurt, but if you aren't happy with him, you shouldn't stay."

Iruka looked at his ex-student carefully, surprised by this reaction. Then he smiled, and nodded, and said, "Thank you, Naruto-kun. I'll do my best, whatever happens." He felt his heart get lighter then, as if there might be some hope for him after all, as if perhaps he might become someone the young man could be proud to look up to again somehow, after all.