Patchwork Wishes

by DracaDelirus

AU Harry Potter's Holidays: Nine-year-old Harry has never had luck on his side, but maybe if he wishes very hard...

10. A Patchwork Egg: part 5

Dudley's negativism towards them did not sway Sirius and Remus from their plans as they took their promise to Lily very seriously. Cheerily they proceeded to gang up on him the entire weekend.

The first thing Sirius did was to officially appropriate Dudley's telly as being detrimental to his young charge. In the few days that he'd had Dudley's things stashed upstairs, Sirius had managed to get hooked on soap operas, talk shows, and the Teletubbies (the later he said he watched purely for Holly's benefit). As he carried the television into his bedroom, where 'he could keep an better eye on it', Sirius informed Dudley he was doing it for his own good, as he had heard on a talk show that watching too much telly was harmful to children's eyesight... or maybe it was their I.Q. No matter both were bad.

Upon hearing this theory later, James wondered if the same held true for men who acted like children, but decided he would rather Sirius was hooked on Teletubbies over his previous occupation of trying to teach Holly how to say 'Padfoot'. His darling daughter had her godfather so wrapped around her pinkie finger now that whenever she said 'kama' he would come running, if she ever managed to say 'Pa-fo' – Merlin help him!

Remus, in the meantime, had grown fascinated with the potential of Dudley's computer. If only he could come up with a way to have it talk to other computers and share information. Maybe a program where he could type in a few key words and it would go out and search all the other computers for information that related to it. It would make locating Severus Snape so much easier. Why, he'd probably be able to find him in hours instead of years! The possibilities were endless!

When he mentioned this idea to Sirius, Sirius just scoffed at him and told him he'd been hanging out in the muggle world too long. It would never work - computers talking to other computers, those metallic muggle inventions of wires and tubes – as if they had brains of their own? Ha-ha! Not even magic could make that possible. What other harebrained ideas would he think up? Muggle telephones without wires tying them to the wall? Remus just sighed. Perhaps the world wasn't ready for his ideas yet.

Keeping two nine-year-olds cooped up inside all weekend for their own protection, was tiring on the adults. By Sunday evening, they were all exhausted heaps of protoplasm lounging about the living room. Remus and Sirius flat out just didn't want to think anymore. They hadn't realized that being full time parents was going to be so difficult. Everything they had suggested – Dudley did the opposite, and if they got clever and suggested the opposite, he did what they suggested (Sirius was sure that was just to spite them). None of the child psychology books that Remus had read had included an example quite like their 'widdle Dudster-wudster'.

James while being overly amused as his friend's plight was less amused at his own. He had been looking forward to bonding with his son and getting to the root of what was bothering him, but Harry held himself distantly from him, seeming to be in a world of his own. Oh, he was polite enough – too polite. He was attentive enough – too attentive. Then there were all those times he sealed himself in the bathroom, until James got so concerned that he threatened to take him to the doctor. That was when Harry finally confessed that he wasn't ill - he was 'practicing'. When he asked him what he was practicing, Harry just said that 'it was nothing really' that he was just practicing his posture. When James said his posture was just fine and didn't need sixteen hours of practicing a day, Harry chanted back 'if I'm not practicing I'm wasting time' as if it were a mantra to live by. James frowned at the snarky little comment. It really wasn't like Harry to say that, but the words and attitude and was familiar. Where had he heard it before?

Totally refreshed from her after dinner nap, Lily stretched and yawned lazily as she wandered in from the bedroom. Expecting to find her family engrossed in a rousing game to let out some of their pent up energy, she had to laugh when instead she found the three men draped all over each other on the comfy couch doing fair impressions of limp root vegetables. Taking pity on them, she plucked Holly up off from the floor where she was trying to eat one of James' socks, and motioned for the two boys to follow her into the kitchen. Maybe a little family Easter project would help occupy their time.

Lily was just grateful that at least the weather had been stormy so they had a good excuse for not taking the children outside. Not that Harry complained, but Dudley was restless without his friends to play with. During the week, they justify it as a 'school night', but the weekend made it harder to come up with a plausible excuse. However, until they knew exactly what was going on in the wizarding world, it wasn't safe to expose their family. And nephew or not, Lily wasn't sure how much of their situation she wanted to tell him, or rather how much of the information she trusted him with after he was willing to turn his cousin over to the first Death Eater who left his calling card.

After securing Holly safely in her high chair, Lily pushed the vase of pussy willows that James had gathered for her from the centre of the table and handed Harry a pile of newspapers to cover the surface. She then got out six large cups, two for each of them, one filled with warm water and one with vinegar. Then she retrieved a sack of little red, blue, and yellow crepe paper squares and circles that she had hidden in the pantry the week before, and lastly a large bowl of eggs she had boiled before her nap.

"What's that for?" Dudley pulled a face and poked a pudgy finger at the colourful squares. It looked suspiciously like 'Arts and Crafts' to him. He hated Arts and Crafts. He only came willingly because he thought his aunt was going to give him a snack.

"Haven't either of you coloured Easter eggs before?" Lily was shocked at the blank look on Harry's face and the disinterested one on Dudley's. As a girl, she had always loved colouring eggs in the spring, and remembered fondly many a lively colouring session with her sister Tuney - making the prettiest eggs that they could to surprise their mother.

"Sure loads of times - but it's for babies. I'm too grown up for things like that." Dudley said proudly puffing out his chest. "And Mum says why bother with all the mess when she can buy them at the store already done. Besides I like the chocolate ones better." Dudley said turning his nose up at the bowl of real eggs before him.

"How about you Harry? Do you still like colouring?" Lily asked her quiet son after noticing him fingering the still damp surfaces of the eggs.

Thinking he'd done something wrong, Harry pulled back the finger as if he had touched a hot burner, and confessed, "I don't know. I've never coloured an egg Mrs. Krueger."

Lily sucked in air between her teeth at the title, but then shook it off before the urge to go in and curse James could take too strong a hold. "You haven't? But Dudley said…"

"Oh mum never let him touch things like that." Dudley butted in to verify. "She said holiday things were just for family, and that Harry was too clumsy anyway. She said he would just ruin her carpets by getting dye all over. Guess you don't have to worry about that here." Dudley said wisely, eyeing the clean but bare floor with a grimace.

"Oh she did, did she? Well then Dudley, since you are 'too old' for colouring, Harry and I will do the eggs and you can supervise since you already know everything."

Harry, who had been staring at the tabletop embarrassed, looked up with shock. Was Mrs. Krueger actually going to let him colour eggs - even after hearing how Aunt Petunia said he would ruin everything if allowed to help? Wow! That had never happened before! Harry promised himself to try very hard to make sure she would not her regret her decision. He thought it looked like fun, babyish or not. As he happily reached for an egg, his stomach did a flip-flop at the next thing he heard her say.

"And while we colour, you can tell me just what else Harry wasn't allowed to do at your house." Lily said sweetly to her informative nephew, while purposely turning her back to Harry so she didn't have to see his pleading looks imploring her please to stop.

Lily was tired of tiptoeing around the subject. If they were ever going to understand Harry's insecurities they needed to know what her son's life had been like on Privet Drive. Only every time she or James brought it up, Harry would get a shuttered look in his eyes and grow quiet. Concerned, they had tried to find out from the Dursley's, but they had been less than forthcoming. If she were to believe Petunia, they treated Harry as a beloved second son. Lily loved her sister, but she didn't trust her, and she highly doubted most of what she said about Harry's upbringing, as it did little to explain why the happy and outgoing baby she remembered was now the complete opposite.

After the bunk-bed fiasco, she and James decided they couldn't keep operating in the dark, and to take advantage of Dudley's being there to pry some information out of him. At the same time, Lily didn't think it was a wise idea to hide their interrogation of Dudley as it might make Harry distrust them and shut himself off even more. Out in the open like this, he had the opportunity to deny anything Dudley said, or even better, to add his own perspective, which is what she really wanted. She would try to make the discussion as non-threatening for him as possible, but she did not intend to stop… not this time.

Remembering Harry's love of art, Lily tried to put him at ease by getting him busy with something else to think about by showing him how to colour the eggs, first by dipping them in the water to dampen the shell, and then by putting the bits of crepe paper on its shell to dye it. She told him that if he used more than one colour he could mix the dyes to make his own shades. The longer the paper stayed on the shell, the more dye that it would absorb and the brighter the colour. Then she explained how porous the shell was.

Harry knew that from the 'How to Hatch an Egg for Dummies' book his godfathers had checked out of the library for him. That was why he had to keep his egg damp – so that the little creature inside could drink, but not so damp that it drowned, it was a delicate balance. It was also, why he had to be careful not to get anything on the shell – as some things like lead, could transfer through to the live embryo and make it ill, or even kill it.

Lily then explained that once the egg was the colour he wanted, he was to peel off the papers and dunk the coloured egg in the cup of vinegar to set the dye and then lay it on a clean paper plate while it dried. She then made Holly spit out the papers she had happily put in her mouth, saying that dye wasn't good for little girls to eat either.

Trying to ignore his cousin's chatter, Harry occupied himself by helping Holly to decorate a few. Of course, he ended up taking more of the paper back out of her mouth than what she got on the egg. However, Lily even praised her enthusiastic baby attempts, which made Dudley envious and regretting his claim, that he was too old for such things.

He had thought it was going to be hard to do, since this wasn't how his mum had showed him. She had always used boiling hot water and liquid dye, and then hovered over him every minute, afraid he might burn himself. Except that after watching his cousins colour a few, he knew that even he could have done it this way.

The more fun that his cousins had, the more jealous Dudley became that he wasn't the centre of attention and getting all of Auntie Lily's praise. The more jealous he became, the louder and more colourful his stories of how 'Harry had always ruined this' and how Harry had always ruined that' became as well. Even to the point of supplying the missing details of just what his parents had deemed as 'suitable' punishments to fit his cousin's innumerable 'crimes'. Whenever Lily started to wonder how much he was exaggerating, all she had to do was take one look at her son's alternately pale or flushed face, and to realize that unfortunately Dudley wasn't straying that far from the truth.

In a nutshell, the Dursleys had made Harry feel like an unwanted interloper who was nothing more than an annoying burden they had to deal with, rather than a welcome member of their family. He had to work hard for whatever little they allowed him to have, and even that they gave begrudgingly. Lily suspected even a servant would have been treated better, as they would have at least been paid for their work and have occasional time off. It was no wonder her lonely little boy had built such high walls around his heart.

To Lily's dismay, no matter what Dudley said, Harry remained silent. It was as if he totally agreed with the Dursley's assessment that anything that had ever gone wrong at Privet Drive had always been his fault. For that reason, he believed that he deserved the shabby treatment he had received from them.

As Lily relentlessly grilled her nephew, the curious Marauders overhearing from the living room, managed to peel themselves off the couch and had languidly sauntered into the kitchen under the pretext of helping to finish colouring the eggs. Mostly their contribution was acting as human canvases for Holly, who was happily gumming the papers and sticking them to anyone and anything she could reach with her fat little baby fingers. She would pat the coloured squares onto their arms and then squeal with glee, to have them completely forgive her when she turned her endearing little toothless grin at them.

"So how is it that you ended up with two bedrooms Dudley? Most kids only have one… if that…" Lily led cautiously into the subject, watching Harry out of the corner of her eye and feeling sympathy pains when she saw him shrink a bit inside himself at the question.

The Marauders all sat up, alert at the turn in the conversation. How it had come about, that Harry had ended up sleeping in the little cupboard under the stairs, instead of the bedroom upstairs next to Dudley, was a topic that had them all more than a little curious, and one they had never received a satisfactory explanation for, from either Harry, or the Dursleys. Vernon going so far as to completely deny it was ever Harry's bedroom in the first place, claiming instead that his nephew was overly fond of playing hide and seek.

He benevolently maintained he had put the old crib mattress in the cupboard to make it more comfortable for his 'darling nephew', as it was Harry's favourite hiding spot. Vernon said Harry would often hide in there even when no one else realized he was playing, so it sometimes took awhile … (ahem)… days to notice and to 'find' him.

When James challenged him to explain why they had found the cupboard locked from the outside and Harry left there forgotten, Vernon shook his head sadly and said that had just been an unfortunate 'accident'. He said that they truly thought he was safely asleep upstairs in the bunk beds. Then he started moaning long and loud about how his efforts to pamper the boy were now being misconstrued and unappreciated. Had James knew then, what he knew now, how the very thought of sleeping in the bunks gave Harry panic attacks he would have called Vernon out on his lie. But as it was, he had to let it drop when Vernon slung his meaty arm around Harry's shoulders and jovially asked "Isn't that right boy?" giving him a hearty squeeze, and Harry responded by hanging his head and quietly agreed with a "Yes, Uncle Vernon that's right." James was quite keen on hearing Dudley's answer to this particular question.

"Ha-ha! That was a good trick!" Dudley chortled out loud obviously proud of himself.

"Good trick? We all like a good prank, don't we Moony?" Sirius said slowly tipping his chair back and putting his heels up on the table while at the same time trying not to look too interested for Harry's benefit. "Tell us all about it Dudster, so we can all enjoy it."

"Well it was really funny – see when I was real little, like five, my friends were over and we were having fun and playing zoo like always, but then they started teasing me that I had to share my bedroom with the fr… er… with Harry and his baby crib and that made me mad." Dudley punctuated this correction by sticking his tongue out at his cousin.

Harry blushed bright red, and prayed Dudley wouldn't mention the rest.

"A baby crib? But Harry is only a month or so younger than you… wouldn't he have been about five too? A little bit old for a crib it seems to me." Remus observed.

'Thanks loads for pointing that out Uncle Remmy.' Harry muttered under his breath, not a bit grateful for the unwanted attention.

"I dunno… I just know Mum always made him stay in it when I was playing with my friends so he wouldn't get in our way."

"Always? How'd she do that?" Sirius asked with a shudder, flashing on Azkaban.

"Oh Dad fixed it with bars on the top so he couldn't climb out. Me and my friends would pretend he was a stupid monkey in the zoo and we'd stick things through the bars at him. Then we'd pull them back real quick when he tried to grab them. It was really fun!"

"Oh really…" all the adults said in unison raising their eyebrows in shock.

Dudley didn't even notice their disapproving expressions as he continued. "Yeah it was loads of fun, till my friends started teasing me about still having a crib in my room that is, then I wanted him out. So I threw a REALLY big tantrum and Mum and Dad got mad."

"At you?"

"Me? Of course not!" Dudley rolled his eyes at the thought of his parents ever getting angry with him. "They got mad at Harry."

"Harry? Why they'd get mad at Harry if you were the one throwing the tantrum?"

"Because they knew Harry was waaaay jealous of me," Dudley smirked, "and that's why he did it."

"Did what?"

"He made all my toys stick to the ceiling where I couldn't get them!"

"No I didn't." Harry denied it so quietly the adults would have missed it entirely if Dudley hadn't squealed like a stuck pig in protest.

"YOU DID TOO! I said 'Don't you touch my toys' and YOU DID! And Dad turned red!"

"…did not… and it was purple…" Harry wished they would all just drop it, or that he could melt into a puddle and seep through the floorboards and escape… or both.

"Not that you aren't a fine boy to be envied Dudster," Remus said to butter him up and get a little more information, even if it was regrettably at Harry's expense, "but why would you think he'd be so jealous of you, that he would make all your toys stick to the ceiling?"

"Because all the toys were mine and the fr… er…Harry wanted them because all he had was a stinky old baby blanket. It wasn't even any good. It was all patched together."

Make that definitely both. Harry would have slouched down in his chair but Salazar and Mr. Nathraichean wouldn't be happy if he did. He settled on staring dismally at the table.

"I didn't know you still had your baby blanket!" Lily turned to Harry with hope in her heart, as she remembered hand stitching every patch with love. She had even embroidered a tiny family tree with all their names, along with Harry's date of birth, on the centre patch. Finally a connection! That blanket was solid undeniable proof to her little boy that she had always loved him and wanted to be his mummy. Only she couldn't catch Harry's eyes. He was too busy studying the fascinating grain of the wooden tabletop.

"Nah… Mum burned it." Suddenly noticing the frowns surrounding him, Dudley quickly justified his mom's actions by holding his nose and adding, "I told you it was stinky!"

James, seeing that Lily was starting to lose her temper, quickly turned the topic back to the question of the two rooms. "So why again did that justify you having two rooms?"

"Because they put him in the third bedroom and it was the same size as my room!"

"That sounds reasonable." Remus nodded. "So why not let him stay there?"

Harry closed his eyes and groaned. 'Aren't they ever going to stop?' They kept talking about him as if he wasn't even in the room, just as the Dursleys always did.

"I just told you why! Because… that room was the exact same size as my room!" Dudley rolled his eyes. For a teacher, 'Uncle Remmy' could be awfully dense.

"So why was that a problem? It sounds fair to Harry." Remus asked pressing his point.

"Because it wasn't fair to me! That's why! It would have meant he is just as good as me." Dudley said his piggy eyes getting small and hard at the thought. "And he's NOT! Besides Dad decided Aunt Marge needed that room for when she came to visit."

"Oh really?" Lily, still fuming, asked distractedly. James could practically see her thinking 'Petunia could have just laundered the baby blanket!' Instead, she asked, "Does she visit a lot then? I thought she was too busy to get away from the kennels often."

"Not so much - once a year, maybe twice is all. But that's okay, 'cause when she comes she always brings Ripper with her…" Harry pulled a face at the mention of the bulldog that like to chase him up trees. "…and I have to dress up in suits." Dudley pulled a face himself at that thought. "But she does bring me presents when she comes," he hinted.

"So instead of it being put to good use year round by Harry, they left it empty so Marge could stay in it when she occasionally came to visit."

"Yup," Dudley confirmed. "…she brings me lots of presents. She's a nice aunt."

"So when they moved Harry out of the third bedroom, why didn't they let him stay in the fourth bedroom?"

James remembered Dudley's second (though much smaller) room that at the very least by right should have been his son's. When they had moved Dudley into the flat, and had gone back to Privet Drive to gather his things, that room had been stuffed full of broken toys. There wasn't even anything in it that Dudley had put on his lengthy list of things he 'couldn't live without'. It had made him see red to find out that Dudley had a whole room in which to save junk, while they tossed his son in the cupboard under the stairs, as if they were going to discard him at the curb on the next rubbish collection day.

"Because Mum promised me I could have it." Dudley stuck out his chin defensively. "You know - to make up for them letting Harry stay in the third bedroom in the first place. Mum said that growing boys need lots of room, so their creativity can grow along with them," he puffed up proudly, not once thinking about how incongruous his words were to his current activity of being the sole non-creative person at the table.

"So what creative things do you do at home that you don't do here?" Sirius asked curiously. From what he had observed, once the Dudster plopped himself somewhere, he rarely moved again, and you certainly didn't need two rooms in which to do nothing.

"Oh lots of things… I play on my computer and have friends sleep over, stuff like that."

James frowned, "But surely you don't need two bedrooms for that."

"Oh but I do Uncle! I need all that room! Otherwise, where would I put all my funny money toys? I have to put them somewheredon't I?" Dudley asked rolling his eyes at what he considered the stupidest question he had ever heard. Wouldn't these people ever get real? Sighing when all he got were blank looks, he explained further, "Dad said I couldn't throw them out, because someone might see how many I had and start to wonder how I got them, because they would want some of the funny money too."

"Funny money toys? What are those?" Lily prodded at the odd terminology.

"You know… don't you?" At the blank looks showing that they obviously didn't, Dudley sighed heavily. Did he have to explain everything? "All the toys Mum and Dad bought me. They were supposed to be better than toys bought with real money, 'cause they didn't cost Dad anything. At least that's what Mum said." Dudley shrugged.

"If these toys were free, why not just get Harry some of them too? It seems to me that would have been a good solution. That way, no one would need to be jealous." Sirius commented, only to get dark looks from Harry and incredulous ones from Dudley.

"How dorky can you get?" Dudley snorted.

"Dudley! Don't call your Uncle Siri a dork." James admonished him. "Only I get to do that. But answer the question anyway."

"Cause Harry's a F-R-E-A-K that's why!"

"Dudley Dursley! What did you just spell?" Lily gasped.

"Well you told me I couldn't say it!" Dudley said in frustration.

"I didn't say you could spell it either!" James growled.

"That's not my fault! And you made me answer the question!" Dudley screamed. "I can't do anything right around here! I don't even wanna be here! I wanna go home! NOW!"

Dudley held his breath and pounded on the table, making all the eggs rattle dangerously.

Harry gasped is dismay, and as he reached out to rescue them, the eggs started flying out of the dish pelting everyone at high speed. Dudley pointed at him accusingly and yelled, "See! There he goes again! I told you it's all his fault! He is jealous of me! HE IS! HE IS! This is what always happens!"

Holly giggled at all the activity and wanting to be part of the fun she waved her fat little baby arms. The colourful eggs stop abruptly in midair and danced.

All the adults just looked at each other, unsure just whose magic had just done what.

"Don't look at me!" the Marauders all said in unison, and then at the delighted baby squeal from the youngest member, they turned to stare at Holly. She had a halo of Easter eggs floating in lazy circles around her head as she cooed serenely at them.

When Dudley realized he was no longer the focus of attention, he crossed his arms, stuck out his lower lip, and pouted.

Lily gave James a meaningful look and nodded at Dudley. Lily wasn't done yet. She wanted more information out of her nephew, and if James didn't want to sleep on the couch, he had to make that happen somehow. James gritted his teeth as he levitated the undamaged eggs back into the bowl, and vanished the rest of the mess, giving him time to steel his resolve to 'make nice' with his bratty nephew.

"Dudley…" James took a deep breath and ploughed on. "I'm sorry I snapped at you like that. You're right. I asked you to answer Sirius' question, and you just answered it how your parents had taught you. That's not your fault, and you did do it in such a way that you didn't break your promise to me that you would behave yourself. So let's just agree that that word doesn't belong in this house - in any form. Okay?"

"Okay. That's was all I was saying." Dudley said trying to sound hurt, and wondering if he could get any more leverage out of it than just a dinky apology, maybe a new toy...

Harry closed his eyes while he listened with a sinking heart. For a moment, he had a spark of hope when the Kruegers had yelled at Dudley. Only there it was again… Dudley was the good boy, and Harry was the bad, and he wasn't wanted here… in any form.

"You know…" Dudley mused, still thinking about toys, "…I still don't get it."

"Get what Dudley?" Lily asked opening up the conversation again.

"Why Mum and Dad always waited till the funny money showed up in that special envelope before they'd buy me any of the big toys I wanted. I mean they got me treats anytime, and tons of toys. But why'd they always make me wait for the really cool ones like my computer and telly and stuff? It's like they thought there was somethin' wrong with the money. I don't know why - it spent just fine. Hey! That reminds me… Mr. Nastyman still hasn't given me back my Game Boy. I think he stole it for himself! If I had a new Game Boy I'd be real happy - even here," he hinted without any subtly at all.

"That's 'Mr. Nathraichean', and what envelope?" Lily asked, ignoring the toy request.

"Yeah… the one that Dad keeps locked in the safe in their bedroom. When the funny money shows up in it, they dance around laughing, and then stay up all night deciding what to buy with it."

"And why would they buy you toys with 'funny money'? Isn't that illegal?" Remus asked puzzled. The only thing he could think of called 'funny money' was muggle counterfeit bills. Wizarding money didn't have that issue because Gringotts had it all spelled so that if you tried to duplicate their coins they would just evaporate after an hour or so as if they had been made of leprechaun gold.

"Dad said it's okay as long as the Tax Man doesn't find out. So we always spend it real fast, mostly on toys for me because Mum says I'm special and I deserve lots of special things." Dudley said excitedly. "But sometimes Dad buys new golf clubs or Mum buys new clothes. I wanted to go on holiday with it, but we couldn't because of him," he added glaring at Harry. Harry opened one eye and glared back, all the money arriving ever meant to him was that they'd lock him in the cupboard while they went shopping.

"Why not? Your family could have lived it up in Majorca every month at Harry's expense." James growled with his jaw tight.

He knew exactly what Dudley had meant by an envelope of 'funny' money, and why Vernon felt the need to conceal it. Even though Sirius had declared categorically, that should anything ever happen to the Potters, he wouldn't never take a cent for raising Harry, he and Lily had made provisions in their will that a generous monthly stipend be paid from their vaults in that eventuality.

James and Lily knew that despite Sirius' good intentions, that the future was uncertain, and that sometimes things happened for which you can't plan, point in case – them having been declared dead while they vegetated in comas for years. They certainly hadn't planned on that. They had wanted to be sure to take care of their son, no matter what happened. No doubt, the envelope of 'funny money' was in actuality the gold galleons intended for Harry's care. Instead, the Dursley's had splurged it on their selves and Dudley.

"Because it would have ruined our whole Holiday if we had to drag the fr… uh… him along. Mum said if we were gone more than three days in a row we couldn't just leave him in the cupboard like normal. She said she had to find someone to watch him. You know - so he didn't burn down the house or something."

"…thank Merlin for small favours…" Lily sniped at her absent sister.

"Yeah… Mum didn't want to use up any favours by asking her friends to take him, and the crazy old cat lady couldn't always take him off of our hands."

"Crazy old cat lady?"

"Yeah, ha-ha! She always forgets to get dressed and she has all these really mean cats. We throw rocks at 'em." Dudley unwisely disclosed.

"She's NOT CRAZY! She's MY FRIEND! And her cats aren't mean, they just don't like you!" Harry surprised everyone by springing to his feet to defend Mrs. Figg and her cats.

"Ha-ha! Your friend?" Dudley's rolls of pudge rumbled with laughter. "That just proves it! A person would haft to be crazy to be your friend! Ha-ha!"

"DUDSTER! That is QUITE enough! Cut it out now!" Sirius ordered sternly, stopping all but a few remaining guffaws, his very parental tone shocking even him.

"Sorry…can't! It really is just too funny! Har-Harry thinks he has a friend!" Dudley chortled wiping away a few stray tears.

"She IS my friend! She even saved Ruby…" Harry suddenly stopped shouting and bit his lip. It wouldn't do to remind his cousin of the beautiful red bicycle. He may demand her back!

"She saved who?" Dudley asked suspiciously knowing whenever Harry shuts up like that he's hiding something.

"No one. Never mind. You're right… I-I don't have any friends." Harry said quietly sitting back down and reaching for the last egg to colour with a shaky hand.

"Nonsense, I'm sure this very nice cat lady is a very good friend." Lily said encouragingly handing him some more of the brightly coloured squares. "We could go visit her some day if you want," she offered and was gratified to receive a small smile back.

"I'd like that Ma'am." Harry said shyly.

"I'm not going! Her house smells like cabbage!" Dudley said sticking his nose in the air.

"Who said you were invited?" Lily returned sweetly to receive an outright grin and a pleased snicker from Harry as her reward. Encouraged, Lily made an inspired offer that would also resolve the mystery egg-hatchling dilemma.

"You know Harry, if you like her cats so much, maybe we could ask her if she has a kitten she would part with. Then you wouldn't have to worry about taking care of that …"

"NO!" Harry yelled in panic, his stomach clenching at the thought of Dudley hearing about the egg he was tending. "I mean… no, no thank you Mrs. Krueger."

Dudley looked at Harry sideways out of the corner of his eye. He knew Harry well enough to read the signs, his cousin has done something stupid again and he was worried about anyone knowing. Something fishy was definitely going on and Dudley made up his mind to figure out what it was, he needed some new blackmail material.

James was struggling as well to piece together all the bits of information that Dudley had been throwing out, so he completely missed the meaningful look Lily shot him telling him to drop the inquisition while Harry was finally looking a little happier. She had wanted to end it on an up note for him, but James, true to his nature, forged ahead oblivious.

"Dudley… you never did answer the question. Why did your parents end up putting my son in the cupboard under the stairs instead of one of the upstairs bedrooms?"

Harry tried not to sigh. He was grateful the topic changed away from the egg that he was hatching, before Dudley found out all about it, but did it have to change back to that one?

"'cause it was practical."

"Practical?"

"Yup, like my dad always said: 'wasted space for the waste-of-space'."

'Finally, there it is.' Harry thought morosely trying to do the melt-into-a-puddle-and-escape-through-the-floorboards trick and failing miserably. 'Now they all know.'

"He did, did he?"

"Uh-huh… and Mum said it was a perfect place for him since all the cleaning supplies were stored in there too, so he didn't have to waste time getting them to do his chores."

"Just what all chores did he do?"

"Oh just the normal stuff – you know." Dudley shrugged.

"No, I don't know. So tell me."

"Okay… let's see… just a little cooking, cleaning, laundry, and yard work… nuthin' much really, just enough to make him earn his keep Dad said."

"Earn his keep?" James bit back angrily, if his brother-in-law knew what was good for him, he would plead guilty and stay in prison. "And you did these same chores?"

"Of course not!" Dudley's mouth gaped open at the concept. "I don't have chores!"

"Why not? Seems to me if Harry had to do them, you should have to too." Remus pointed out, ever the one to champion the idea of equality for all.

"'cause Mum and Dad made him do mine too!"

"Why on earth did they do that?"

"To make him pay me back for hundreds and hundreds of toys he stole from me!" Dudley nodded vehemently, but at the disbelieving looks on the faces of all the adults and the incredulous look on Harry's, he guiltily revised it slightly, "okay okay, so maybe it wasn't that many... but it was myyo-yo, and I didn't say he could touch it!"

"But it was broken!"

"Just the string was all!"

"You threw it out the window! You didn't even want it." Harry protested.

"Yo-yos are supposed to come back! I was just testing it out!" Dudley yelled.

"That a boomerang you idiot!" Harry muttered under his breath, rubbing his head as he remembered how Dudley had 'tested it out' by purposely conking him in the head with it while he was below working in the garden. He'd woken up with a whopping large lump on the back of his head and Uncle Vernon towering over him, yelling at him for lying down sleeping when he hadn't finished weeding yet.

"Doesn't matter! It was still mine! You're not supposed to touch anything that's mine! So there!" Dudley said crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue again.

James really wanted to hex that tongue. If Dudley stuck it out one more time at his son, he wasn't sure if he would be able to stop himself from doing it. Only Lily's restraining hand on his arm made his let go of his wand.

"Okay, let me see if I have this straight… your parents kept my son confined for the first half of the eight years he lived with you, giving you and your friends free reign to torment him mercilessly. Then your mother burned his only possession, your father stole all the money intended for his upbringing, then they both tossed him into a cupboard for the last four years - when they weren't working him to death. And all of that just for wanting to play with a broken yo-yo that you had already thrown away?"

"Well when you put it like that Uncle James it sounds really bad." Dudley pouted defensively.

"Ya' think Dudster?" Sirius asked raising an eyebrow at the understatement.

"Whatever." Dudley shrugged. "I mean… what's the big deal anyway? It's not like he's normal or anything, he's just a fr…" Dudley finally noticed the angry looks all around him and wisely revised the rest "…er… a 'fraidy cat'. Yeah, that's it – a fraidy cat that wets the bed! That's why he can't sleep in my bunks! Nah-na na-na na! Fraidy cat! Frai…"

"ENOUGH!" James roared at his nephew. Unfortunately, his overreaction to the teasing words, combined with Harry's embarrassed face, confirmed Dudley's unsubstantiated wild guess, and he erupted in new peals of laughter.

Harry wished he could just die. From the smirk growing on his cousin's face, he knew he might as well. How was he ever going to be able to show his face in school again? Oh no! School! He was so upset by the whole discussion he about forgot the Salazar System! What was it that Mr. Nathraichean said? Oh yeah… if he followed Salazar's rules he would be an admirable person and worthy of praise instead of ridicule.

As Harry concentrated on his 'How to be a Slytherin' lessons, he could hear Mr. Nathraichean's low soothing monotone instructing him in his head. Salazar said he must have self-respect. His breathing evened out as he calmed, and the flush disappeared. Salazar also said he must have self-confidence. Harry sat up straight, raised his chin, and looked his cousin squarely in the eye until Dudley's laughter stopped. Salazar said he must have self-control. Harry calmly cleared his throat and stood up for himself.

"I preferred sleeping in my cupboard where I wasn't kept up by a rusty chainsaw every night. I'm not surprised Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia went on holiday alone. I'm ready for one too, and you've only been here a week." Harry wisely didn't lie or try to deny anything. Instead, he used Slytherin cunning to neatly send an insult right back.

Lastly, Salazar said to use common sense - and while Dudley's big mouth was hanging open, and he had that clueless expression on his face, it was an excellent time for Harry to make his escape - with what was left of his dignity intact.

"May I please be excused?" he asked of the adults sitting around the table, who were equally amazed at the quiet little boy's abrupt personality change. It was the most they had heard him say at one time in weeks. "I would like to go to bed now. I want to leave for school early tomorrow." It wasn't until he was safely behind his closed bedroom door, that he took a deep breath and a slow smile spread over his face. He could hardly wait to tell Mr. Nathraichean about it in the morning! He'd be so proud!

"Who was that?" Remus asked after the door swung shut behind Harry.

"I'm not sure… but there was something familiar about him." James replied rubbing his chin and trying to place the stiff snarky attitude, it reminded him of something or someone… he just couldn't quite place it. Finally, he gave up in favour of helping Lily gather up the eggs to store in the icebox. Lily and James took a cue from Harry and took their dye-spattered daughter off to give her a bath.

Remus left for his own bed soon after, reluctantly leaving Sirius to deal with the task of putting Dudley to bed by himself. He hesitated doing so, but he was already feeling the effects of the near full moon, and Sirius assured him that he could handle it on his own with hearty 'no problemo'. That alone should have warned Remus that it wasn't such a good idea, unfortunately by the time he second guessed it, he had already taken his remaining half dose of the old wolfsbane potion and was fast asleep, locked securely in his basement flat.

It wasn't until the next morning that it dawned on Dudley that Harry had actually insulted him. He might not have even have figured it out then if it hadn't been for Sirius deciding that he really should address Dudley's bullying attitude toward his favourite godson before he put him to bed.

The image of Dudley and his gang teasing his beloved pup, defenceless like a monkey in the zoo, gave Sirius flashbacks of his stint in Azkaban. He hated being locked up, unable to go where he wanted, or to do what he pleased whenever he felt like it, his every movement being dictated by others. He couldn't bear the thought that Harry had ever experienced that feeling too. Dudley's unrepentant attitude made him want to exact a little payback, marauder style. He squelched down any reservations he had by telling himself he promised Lily he wouldn't do 'permanent' damage… not, no damage at all.

Noticing that Sirius was the only one left in the kitchen with him Dudley announced, "I wanna watch my television!"

Sirius studied his petulant charge and had second thoughts. He was just a misguided kid who didn't know any better. Reluctantly he decided he should be fair. He would give Dudley one chance to do what he told him to do. If he did, then he wouldn't prank him tonight, but if not? Well then - he was fair game! Sirius smiled leisurely.

"I don't think so Dudster. Besides, there's nothing good on, I already checked. You should be toddling off to beddy-bye too, tomorrow is a school day."

"I'm not tired! I – want – to – watch – my – telly! I don't wanna go to bed, and you can't make me." Dudley screamed, demonstrating just how tired and peevish he was.

"I wouldn't bet on that if I were you." Sirius said slowly. He was the first to admit he wasn't all that terrific at wandless magic, his results being somewhat spotty at best. On one hand, practice made perfect, and it seemed to him Dudley was just asking to be a guinea pig…literally. On the other hand, he had promised Lily. "I said no television, but I'll make a deal with you - if you're not sleepy yet, how about a nice chat instead?"

"Then I wanna play on my computer! Uncle Remmy's always on it so I hardly get to use it anymore!" Dudley whinged and squeezed out a few fake tears to try and look pitiful.

"Too bad. Since your only choices are chatting or sleeping. You have two minutes to decide. Then I'll decide for you." Sirius said stretching his long limbs and yawning widely.

Dudley scrunched up his fists and held his breath, his eyes getting small and hard as he did his best to look menacing, but it had little effect on his freaky Uncle Siri. Sirius just raised his eyebrows and tried not to laugh. No need to demoralize the kid completely, but once you lived with soul-sucking Dementors - dealing with a nine-year-old's temper tantrum was a piece of cake. 'Cake? Hm… wonder if there is any of that chocolate cake left in the icebox…' Sirius rummaged around in the icebox for cake, totally ignoring Dudley as he continued to hold his breath, his blue tinged lips starting to contrast interestingly with his red face. Sirius didn't find any cake, but came back with a nice selection of the hardboiled eggs they had coloured instead.

"Since you aren't scampering off to find your PJs, I am assuming you opted for the chat instead. So Dudster, tell me… ever been to the zoo?" Sirius asked tossing one egg after the other in the air until he was juggling three.

Dudley weighed his options. He could continue to hold his breath, but the likelihood that Uncle Siri would cave in before he passed out from lack of air was slim. On the other hand, he could pretend to give in until the older man fell asleep. Then he could sneak upstairs and play on his computer anyway! After all, Uncle Siri was awfully old - he had to be at least thirty! How late could anyone that old stay awake?

"Uh… sure… Dad and Mum have taken me loads of times. It's pretty boring though unless you pound on the cages and get the animals riled up." Dudley suddenly caught a dangerous look flickering over Sirius' face and added warily "…why'd you wanna know?"

"Just wondering…" Sirius observed Dudley through narrowly slitted eyelids. Tipping his chair back on two legs, he reversed his juggling to left-handed. He had gotten good at it in Azkaban, and in a small way, it had helped him keep his sanity. He wondered how Harry had managed it, growing up with his stingy relatives who were incredibly similar to Dementors - they both suck all the fun out of life. "You know… you can learn a lot from the animals in the zoo, especially the monkeys."

"Like what? How to act like a doofus? Eeep! Eeep! Eeep!" Dudley imitated a monkey and scoffed, "they're stupid."

"What makes you think that?"

"Well duh! Why do you think? They're the ones in a cage aren't they?"

"Is it just monkeys in cages that you're prejudice against, or is anyone who is unfortunate enough to be locked up that you think is 'stupid'?" Sirius was getting angry, but doing an incredibly good job of hiding it considering.

Dudley laughed at that. "Oh! You mean 'Harry the chimp'! Oh, ha-ha I mean 'chump'! Yeah he is stupid too! Just like the monkeys! Eeep! Eeep! Eeep! Boy I had fun with that!" Dudley grinned widely over how he used to be able tease his cousin at his leisure. "It was much easier back then than it is now. Now I hafta hunt him down first."

"I was thinking more along the line of your parents." Sirius sniped, not liking the implication of Dudley's last statement at all. What did he mean by 'hunting him down'?

"Whad'ya mean by that?" Dudley yelled doing a fair job of echoing his thoughts. Dudley might not be a lot of things, but he was loyal to his parents regardless, and that sounded suspiciously like a slam to him.

"Er… nothing," Sirius felt a slight pang at delivering the low snipe. What Dudley's parents did or didn't do, wasn't Dudley's fault, anymore than the actions of his own parents, Orion and Walburga Black, had been Sirius' fault. However, he didn't have enough of a conscious to stop teasing Dudley entirely. Besides he reflected, as Dudley was as dumb as a post and didn't have a clue what he was alluding to, his joke hadn't counted. Despite the fact that James and Lily hadn't exactly hid it from him, Dudley still hadn't figured out that his parents weren't on a spring Holiday. In fact, the only time that Dudley gave them much thought was when he wasn't getting his way, which (as that was quite often now) meant he was thinking about them more than he ever did before. Still not even the lack of phone calls, postcards, or little souvenirs arriving by parcel post, had concerned him, miffed him a trifle, but certainly not concerned.

"What I meant is that in the zoo, monkey parents teach their young many things, the same as I am sure that your parents teach you things."

"Yeah? Like what?" Dudley asked slightly mollified.

"Well, like take these eggs for instance." Sirius said neatly catching all the airborne eggs in one hand. "They all look good on the outside, but they could be rotten on the inside."

"What's that got to do with monkeys? They eat bananas."

"Monkey's are just like us, they like a variety of things: fruits, nuts, grains, seeds, leaves, insects, and even an occasional egg. Bird eggs are real treat for animals in a zoo."

"How do you know that?"

"I recently completed an extensive eight year study into how the habits of sentient beings are altered when coerced into a situation of extreme incarceration." Sirius was amazed all that came out of his mouth - it was as if he were channelling Snivellus.

"Huh?"

"I'm smart, that's how. Now back to the topic of eggs, you know how sometimes when you try to peel them you get little crunchy bits of shell stuck all over it, or big chunks of egg torn off?"

"Yeah, I hate that… the shell gets stuck in my teeth, nice and smooth is better." Dudley hadn't been very satisfied with his portion at dinner, and all they had for pudding were apples slices and cheese. They were practically starving him to death! A couple of eggs for a snack wouldn't be so bad right now, maybe even three or four of them. "But what do monkeys have to do with it? Oh, I get it! You're talking about Harry again! He knows how to peel eggs real smooth. Mum always made him do all of that kind of stuff."

"Smooth is nicer…" Sirius agreed ignoring the remark about his godson for now, but filing it away for future reference. Taking one of the eggs he first twirled it on the table then tapped it lightly on his head three times before rubbing it on his hair for a moment then cracking it sharply once on his forehead. The shell fell off easily after he did so, leaving egg glistening like an extremely large lopsided pearl on the palm of his hand.

Dudley's eyes grew round.

"That's a sign of a good egg…" Sirius lightly salted then popped the shelled egg into his mouth in one piece making little lip smacking sounds of delight, as he first tasted it, chewing it slowly and luxuriously, and then swallowed the whole thing down, his eyes rolling back with a satisfaction. "Yum… and it also makes them go down real easy."

Dudley started drooling.

Sirius took another egg and after a little fancy slight-of-hand, he twirled, tapped, and then rubbed it again before cracking and shelling it. Then the second egg following the path of the first with even more fanfare, stomach patting, and lip smacking.

Dudley's tummy rumbled loudly in protest.

"Oh Dudster, I'm sorry, how rude of me! Did you want one too?" Sirius asked twirling the third egg in his fingers.

"Yeah! I'm starving! Gimme!" Dudley said reaching across the table for the bowl of the remaining eggs.

"Whoa there! Hold on a sec…" Sirius said pulling the dish closer to himself and just out of Dudley's reach.

"Hey! What's the big idea? You just said I could have some!"

"I can't have you just going off willy-nilly, popping anything in sight in your mouth! I wouldn't be doing my job as a proper guardian if I did that. I have to make sure you know what you're doing first. What if you got a bad egg and got sick? Your Aunt Lily wouldn't be very happy with me."

Dudley frowned sullenly, "Whad' ya mean a bad one? Aren't they all okay? I mean… Auntie Lily cooked them all and she's pretty good at cookery."

"That she did, but eggs are tricky things. Could be rotten inside and then the stink hangs around you for days, and you can't get rid of it no matter what you do. Haven't you ever heard the term 'He's a bad egg'?"

"Yeah…" Dudley remembered his dad calling Harry that A LOT.

"Well where did you think the expression came from?"

"Oh... I never thought of that." Maybe that's why his mum made his cousin do it, so she wouldn't have to risk getting smelly, since Harry already was.

"Now, as I was saying earlier, they all look good from the outside, but what's inside - is what counts. Of course... only the really smart people know how to tell the difference."

"I just thought an egg was an egg."

"Why Dudster!" Sirius gasped in fake alarm. "Don't tell me your parents never showed you how to check to see if an egg is good before you eat it! Why, even monkey parents do that for their young. And I thought you said your parents were smart."

"Nope - I mean yes! They are smart! It's just that I've never seen either one of do much of anything with an egg, but eat it."

"Well have they ever smelled liked rotten eggs, or have they ever given you one?"

"Noooooo… I don't think so." Dudley said scratching his head, but then he couldn't remember either of his parents cooking eggs before the Kruegers took Harry away.

"You'd certainly know if you had, the stench is unmistakable! So they must know how to check them too…but how? ...how?" Sirius stroked his chin as if deep in thought, and he was thinking - just not about the Dursleys. 'My beard is starting to grow in heavy again, maybe I should borrow James' razor in the morning.' After a minute, he glanced over at Dudley. 'Hm… the kid is trying to think so hard his eyes are going crossed. He's liable to sprain his brain if he keeps it up, best not to let him think too hard much longer.'

Sirius dropped his chair back to four on the floor and leaned in on his elbows to whisper conspiratorially to Dudley. "I bet I know how they knew! Seeing as your folks took you to the zoo a lot, and them being such geniuses, they probably learned it the same place I did – from watching the monkeys."

"How would stupid monkeys know a good egg from a bad one?" Dudley foolishly asked.

"With all those people visiting the zoo, you know the ones who can't read the 'do not feed the animal signs', the monkeys get dozens of them tossed at them through the bars every day. And what with all those bad eggs traipsing in and out, the monkeys had to come up with a foolproof way of sorting the good from the bad, if you know what I mean." Sirius winked at Dudley.

"I guess that makes sense…" Dudley clearly remembered many times he tossed food to the animals because he thought it tasted spoiled, and he was too lazy to look for a trash bin. "But if my folks knew how, why didn't one of them tell me?" Dudley asked clearly puzzled. "They know how I like to eat."

"Maybe they just didn't think you were old enough to handle yet." Sirius shrugged. "Didn't you say Harry did most of the cooking at your house? They probably told him instead."

Dudley had to think hard to connect the trail of dots Sirius had scattered in front of him.

"I bet Harry doesn't know either… even if did cook most of the food, cause he was really smelly sometimes. I don't 'member him stinking like rotten eggs, but Mum made him sleep outside in the shed if it was really bad, so he must have sometimes. She doesn't like stinky things in the house," he added as if that justified his mother's solution over that of simply letting his cousin enjoy a nice hot bath.

Sirius scowled fiercely on the inside, while outside he just nodded for him to continue.

"And Dad always locked him in the cupboard when they took me to the zoo… so he wouldn't ruin it for me you know," Dudley looked up and nodded in all seriousness. "So he couldn't have learned it there by watching the monkeys, like my folks did, since he hasn't ever seen a real monkey."

"No, probably not then," Sirius agreed, making a note to take Harry to the London Zoo just as soon as possible, perhaps in a few weeks when Remus could come with them. As the full moon was only two nights away, Remus showing up at the London Zoo right now might cause a mass stampede, which wouldn't exactly help them keep a low profile.

"I'm a whole month older than Harry, and Mum says that I'm a lot more mature and a lot more responsible. So I should be old enough." Dudley frowned, it wasn't like his parents to deny him anything, so something here just wasn't making total sense to him, but that bowl of eggs was looking more tempting all the time, and he was really getting hungry!

As Sirius expected, Dudley's dot connecting had conveniently skipped over the large one prominently tagged 'CAUTION! PRANK AHEAD!', and focused instead only on the small egg shaped dot at the end simply labelled 'eat me'. Dudley slid closer to Sirius and poked at one of the eggs suspiciously with his finger as if it might explode at any minute.

"So how do you know if they're any good?"

"I am so glad you asked me that my young sir. It shows a certain willingness to expand your hitherto curtailed knowledge of… (ahem)…'unusual' things." Sirius then made a big show of looking to verify they weren't in danger of unwelcome ears overhearing them.

"So tell me already!" Dudley demanded impatiently and moved in even closer.

Putting a finger to his lips Sirius shushed him and glanced over his shoulder one more time, and then got up and firmly shut the door, closing off the kitchen from the rest of the flat. "Can't be too careful, some people might not be ready for this much knowledge."

"That right!" Dudley crowed in a loud whisper, smirking about getting one up over his cousin. Ha! He was going to learn something from his cousin's godfather that his cousin wasn't! He'd show him what's what and who's who!

"I'm having second thoughts… I'm not too sure about imparting this knowledge to you either, after all… if your parents weren't sure you were ready…" Sirius made a show of hesitating, just enough to lure his eager quarry in a little bit closer "…but I suppose it would be all right, as your de facto guardian it is my duty to teach you in their stead."

Excited Dudley scooted his chair over as close as he could.

"You sure you can handle it?" When Dudley nodded his agreement, his eyes big and round, Sirius continued. "Then let me demonstrate because there is a real trick to it. First, you have to select an egg. I already picked one out for me," he said displaying a festive green and blue dotted one. "You have a go too," he urged. Dudley selected one that was half yellow, and half red, with an orange stripe around the middle.

"Next I like to twirl it a bit – to make sure the yolk is balanced in the centre. Don't you just hate it when you get one with the yolk all stuck on one end? I find it most disagreeable." Sirius put the third egg on the table in front of him and twirled it with his fingers until it was spinning like a top, admiring the pattern of colours with which his godson had decorated it. Ah well… what is art if not to be enjoyed and then eaten? Dudley followed suit. It took him a few tries but soon he had his egg twirling as well.

"Then – and this is a very important – you tap it ever so lightly three times on your head."

"On my what!" Dudley squeaked in alarm and put his hands on his head to protect it.

"It is the best way - of course it you prefer not to learn proper egg eating etiquette…"

"No! No! No! Show me! Show me!"

"I can see you are starting to question, and not just take what you hear for granted, that is a very good habit to have." Sirius praised him. "There is an old Chinese proverb which is quite apropos in this situation – 'Give a man an egg and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to lay an egg and he…" a slightly glazed blank look crossed Sirius' face before he brightened back up "…will always has a job in the Ministry!"

"Huh? The mini-what?" Dudley asked scratching his head in confusion.

"Yes, well that's always good to keep in mind. Now the reason for the intimate connection with your cranium is because you have to make a visceral link with your sustenance in order to derive the greatest nutritional advantage from it. As your head and an egg are so similar in construction, it is a natural correlation. I would go into detail and reference scholarly studies to that effect, however I'm sure that isn't necessary for someone of your ambiguous level of intelligence… is it?" Sirius was rather quite impressed with himself and that he'd managed to pull so many multi-syllable words out of his mushy brain, he thought it was even worthy of Snivellus.

"Uh no, I guess not." Dudley answered irritated. This was a fine and dandy development. Uncle Siri was the one adult in this household that he could understand up until now - and now he was starting to sound exactly like his teacher. It just wasn't fair.

"Fine! Then back to the eggs. Are you watching closely?" Dudley nodded. "You tap – tap – tap, if there is anything amiss with the interior of the egg it will give off a distinct vibration that you can feel in your fingers." Sirius demonstrated with Dudley mimicking every movement. "Do you feel anything?"

Dudley shook his head no.

"Good. Very good! Next, you rub it on your hair - this movement creates a static charge that helps the shell membrane to separate from the surface of the cooked egg white inside. Then rap it once very sharply to crack it, and… voilà! A perfectly shelled egg." Sirius grinned as the shell fell off in one piece, leaving the egg's pearly essence behind.

Dudley's egg didn't fair quite as well.

"Practice makes perfect Dudster – here have another go…"

Sirius kept rolling egg after egg over to Dudley, until he managed to shell an egg without completely mangling it. As Dudley had eaten all the rejects anyway, crunchy bits and all, Sirius practically had to roll him into bed when his full tummy made him too sleepy to arrive there under his own power.

"Nighty-night Dudster-wudster." Sirius struggled a bit but managed to heft the boy into the upper bunk, tucking in his charge with a faint snicker. Dudley rolled over onto his back and immediately started snoring. "ssssSNNNNOOooORRRK! sssnnNoorK-Ka-Ka! ssssSNNNNOOooORRRK! sssnnNoorK-KA-KA-ka-ka! ssssSNNNNOOooORRRK!"

"Merlin! He's loud!" Sirius said plugging his ears on the way out, only to run smack into James in the darkened living room.

"Gods Padfoot! Give me heart failure will you! What are you doing still up?"

"Putting the Dudster to bed."

"Just NOW? It's after midnight and he has school tomorrow! What were you thinking?"

"Um… that a little bonding isn't always such a bad thing? Oh! - And that I really miss my wand. It would have come in handy to levitate him into bed. I think I put my back out," he groaned holding his back and limping towards the staircase.

"Serves you right," James said looping his arm around his friend to help him up the stairs and dumping him unceremoniously on his bed.

"What do you mean it serves me right?" Sirius said huffily from his prone position.

"It's not that I don't believe you, but what did this 'bonding' session consist of?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I saw the look on your face tonight. You were in your avenging godfather mode, not your new one as guidance counsellor to the terminally bratty. So what were you really doing? You weren't doing something to Dudley that's going to upset Lily did you?"

"Questions, questions, questions - always with the questions. Don't you trust me?"

… (Complete silence from James) …

"Why Prongs! You don't! Do you? I think I'm offended!"

James snorted, "If you have to think about it - you aren't offended. You're offensive and proud of it. Now answer my question."

"Let us just say that breakfast should be interesting, and leave it at that, shall we?"

"ssssSNNNNOOooORRRK!"

"What is that god awful racket?"

"Ah that would be our widdle Dudster-wudster. The boy's bedroom is directly below this one and the Dudster likes the top bunk – of course. I might also point out, that if you take into account how thin the floorboards are. The top bunk is a mere metre away. I really should take the lack of soundproofing in this flat up with the landlord. It's definitely not up to my expected standards of quality."

"Merlin! He's loud! I wonder if he had adenoids."

"My thoughts exactly Prongs. In fact I said that exact same thing not a moment ago."

"No wonder Harry thought sleeping in a cupboard was preferable to sharing a room with Dudley," James commented as he pulled off Sirius' shoes and socks.

"Thanks Prongs, I can handle the rest…" Sirius yawned and waved him away without bothering to move anything but his hand, or making any other indication he actually would finish getting into bed. "…but if you wouldn't mind opening the win…... zzzzzzz."

James chuckled softly as he propped opened the window with a short stick and pulled a blanket over his sleeping friend. Now back to checking on Harry and make sure he was sleeping as soundly… despite his deafening roommate. As James slipped silently out of the room he didn't notice the soft thud as the stick toppled back out of the sash, or the window sliding shut behind him, locking with a faint click and the tinkle of rattling glass.

When he had first run into Sirius in the living room, James had been on his way into the boy's room to reinforce the magical barrier he had used to divide the room, to ensure Dudley's compliance with his rule about not bothering Harry. Not that James mistrusted his nephew, but well… frankly he didn't, not even when Dudley was asleep. Especially now as he was not that positive that all the 'trouble', that Harry had supposedly caused at Privet Drive over the past eight years, was actually caused by Harry. It seemed to him that Dudley might have had unknowingly, or otherwise, had had a hand in it himself.

Pausing at the door to the boy's room Dudley's thundering snores assaulted James once more. He started to draw his wand to recast the spell dividing the room, but then thought better of it. Moving over to Harry's bed he scooped up his sleeping son in his arms and carried him across the flat and snuggled him like a spoon in front of Lily.

"Um… James?" Lily asked sleepily. "Was Harry having night panics again?" Brushing the hair off from her son's sleeping face she pulled him in close and kissed his forehead to feel him nestle into the curve of her body. When he was asleep like this, he was so cuddly. Just like the baby that she remembered from so long ago.

"No, but he was wrong."

"Wrong about what?"

"Dudley doesn't sound like a rusty chainsaw when he snores. He sounds more like a congested elephant."

"… (yawn) … silencing spell didn't work?"

"Er… I didn't think of doing one." James admitted a bit sheepishly, schooching into bed behind her and looping his arm over both of them. "This just seemed to be… easier."

Lily's shoulders shook with silent mirth and she snuggled down, warm and cosy between the two most important men in her life. "… and nicer ..."

"Uh huh… it is… very nice." James returned, nibbling on her ear.

"James…?"

"Hm…?"

"Where's the egg?" Lily asked feeling around and not meeting the hard edge of Harry's nest box.

"The what?"

"The dimwit duo's egg. You know the one. It's not here. Did you finally get rid of it?"

"Oh right, that egg!" James sat up in bed startled. "I didn't see it when I picked Harry up, so I forgot all about it. Come to think of it, I haven't seen it all weekend… maybe longer. Have you?"

Lily furrowed her brow and tried to remember the last time she'd seen Harry with the egg. As it had become such a part of him lately, and she had other things to worry about, she had stopped noticing it. "I'm really not sure… I know he had it with him last Wednesday… but the next morning when I started to say something about it at breakfast he got this strange look on his face. I thought maybe it had something to do with Dudley so I dropped it for then."

"What did he say about it when you asked him about later?"

"I… I didn't remember to." Lily bit her lip, grateful it was dark and that James couldn't see the guilty look on her face.

She really had meant too - she had! It was such a small thing to forget. She had been so worried about everything lately, that one more thing to worry about just wouldn't fit into her brain, no matter how small it was. Everything was starting to feel impossibly overwhelming. Besides worrying over her sister and brother-in-law being in jail and dealing with Dudley's continual tantrums, she was trying to nurse both Sirius and Remus through their ill health. Her concern over how to clear Sirius' name, Holly starting to teeth, and Harry distancing himself from her and James emotionally - the past few weeks made her feel so tired and ill that it was hard to work up enthusiasm for anything.

It finally got to the point that morning where she had dragged herself to a muggle clinic for a check-up. What the doctor told her had given her a lot to think about and had driven almost everything else out of her mind. Only she had never meant for one of those things to be Harry. Now she felt horrible, both literally and figuratively.

"What do you think happened to it? I was sure he wouldn't ever put it down. Hey! Maybe he just lost interest in it in favour of something else. I did that all the time myself when I was growing up. About drove my parents barmy."

"I suppose that could be it."

"Do you think we should ask him about it in the morning?" James asked lying back down and cuddling his wife and sleeping son in his arms again.

"I don't know… maybe we ought to just be grateful he's not obsessed with it anymore and leave it at that." Oddly, Lily didn't feel any better at the thought, and she had a hunch that they hadn't seen the last of the mysterious egg. That little issue couldn't have possibly have resolved itself so easily. They weren't that lucky.

James could feel the vibes emanating from his wife. "Okay… give," James demanded.

"Give what?" Lily answered innocently.

"Tell me what has you so edgy tonight." James whispered in her ear. From the way she brushed at him with her hand he knew something was definitely bothering her. "Did you go see the Doctor today?"

"Um hum…"

"And…?"

"And I'm not edgy."

"Heh-heh, you're not? Then what is it? That 'time of the month' again?" James said halfway teasing and halfway baiting her on purpose. Lily obviously had something on weighing on her mind, and if he knew her as he thought he did then she wanted to talk about it, but hadn't wanted to with the others around.

"No… just the opposite," Lily said softly into Harry's hair. She just wasn't sure if she was ready to go through this again so soon with all the danger facing their family back in the wizarding world. Besides, she was uncertain how James would feel about the timing either. Then on top of everything else worrying her, now she had proof she was failing miserably at learning how to be a good mum to a nine-year-old.

There were so many little things that she had meant to do, such as shopping for that new pair of shoes Harry desperately needed, and meeting with his teacher. Except that Dudley coming to stay had drained what was left of her dwindling energy. A few short months ago, she had been teaching a class of twenty-two children single handed, but now not even James thought she was able to manage looking after only three children. He even had taken Remus and Sirius up on their offer to take care of Dudley for her.

True, when she was teaching, the children all went home after the final bell, while she returned to their blissful little quiet flat populated by two and recharged, and now their extended family filled every room of every floor. But Dudley? She should have been able to handle her own nephew! James was right, if she couldn't manage with three for just a few days on her own, how was she going to be able to cope long term?

"Then what is it? Is something wrong? What did he say?" James' anxiety was rising fast. He was just teasing before but Lily had been feeling under the weather for weeks now. A relapse, considering the strain of the recent events, wasn't out of the realm of possibility, and the doctors had warned him to keep her stress levels down.

"Um… I think describing me as 'eggy' would be closer to the truth."

"Eggy?" That description perplexed James but Lily had been overly fixating on the smallest things lately. Was she thinking about the dozens of eggs they had just coloured or was she worried that she hadn't regained her figure after giving birth? True it was now more egg shaped than hourglass, but it hadn't been that long since Holly's birth, just a few months. Lily was just being too hard on herself. Maybe all she needed was a little reassurance that she was still attractive to him. That must be it, he decided. He just hadn't been paying enough attention to her lately.

"So what if you put on a few pounds around the hips? I love you anyway," he said gallantly, putting his foot solidly in his mouth.

"I AM NOT FAT!"

"I never said you were!" James denied, back peddling as fast as he could.

"Then what was that crack about my hips!"

"I didn't mean anything by it. Shush now… you'll wake up Harry."

Lily coldly brushed his arm off from her shoulder.

"C'mon Lily, I'm sorry - you have the same lovely figure as the girl I married," he lied smoothly and put the arm back in place. "Now what did the doctor say?"

"If you can't figure it out Mr. Krueger then I'm not going to tell you." Lily said huffily, her mood swinging like a pendulum.

"Well if you're not going to tell me - I'm not going to even try to figure it out Mrs. Krueger." James sniped back, just as moody.

"Don't you call me that! I get enough of it from Harry!" Lily cried out, tears rolling freely down her cheeks now. When James noticed his arm getting damp, he felt remorseful for being the cause, even though she had been the one to start it.

"I'm sorry Rosie-posy. Please don't cry. Tell me what's wrong," he cajoled with real concern etched in his voice now.

"No-nothings wr-wrong… not really…"

"But there's something… isn't there?" James said seriously, and felt his heart about stop when he felt her nodding and start to sob silently again.

"…it's just… it's just that I'm – I'm… going to have another ba-baby!" Lily finally wailed quietly, hugging Harry so fiercely it caused him to squirm in his sleep.

"A what?" James could hardly believe his ears. Maybe he hadn't heard her right.

"A hippogriff James. A HIP-PO-GRIFF. I'm going to have a humongous hippogriff, to go with my enormous hips. Then we won't have to worry about finding Harry another pet."

James was speechless. A baby was the last thing he would have guessed.

'A baby? We're having another baby? Not that the signs haven't all been there - but it's only been a few month since Holly was born. Still … a father? I'm going to be a father? …a pop, a daddy, a daddy-o, a dad-a-re-no, a D-A-D…'

The longer James was silent, the tenser Lily became.

"Are… are you upset with me?" she asked, quietly apprehensive.

"Upset? Upset about what?" James asked, grinning in the dark from ear to ear. '…and that spells 'Dad' with a capital 'D' and that rhymes with 'Me' and…'

"Merlin!" James sat bolt upright in bed with the overpowering impulse to wake up the rest of the Marauders and immediately start celebrating.

"You ARE upset!"

"No! No! No! No! No!" James hurried to reassure her. "I love it! I mean I love you! I mean I love us! I mean… I don't know what I mean!"

"Then you're okay with another baby? I know we said two was enough. One of each…"

"Two? Three? That's not so much of a difference – it's just one tiny little baby. They don't take up much room. And in all those decorating shows that Padfoot's been watching on Dudley's television they say that groups of three are more harmonious."

"In interior decorating yes, but we're talking about children here!"

"So am I. I'm talking about decorating our lives with children! Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know yet James, I'm not even quite a month along." Lily said with a slight laugh.

"So when did we… er… get preggers?" James asked earning him a swat.

"That's 'with child' and the doctor estimates I'm three weeks, so about St. Patrick's Day."

"We did do a bit of celebrating that night." James remembered fondly, his hand straying down to find Lily abdomen, and he gently rubbed it, awed at the miracle within.

"Yes we did."

"You know… if we tell Sirius about it, he'll take credit for it." James mentioned, having second thought about waking up his friends.

"I'd like to see him try! But… I don't think I want to announce it to them quite yet, if you don't mind." Lily said thoughtfully carding her fingers through Harry's dark locks. "I think a certain little someone else deserves to be the first to know he's going to be a big brother again."

"That does seem fair, especially as he was the last to know about Dudley moving in." James agreed sighing as he leaned back against the headboard. "But this does bring back an old problem."

"Telling Harry first? Why's should that be a problem?" Lily asked apprehensively.

"No, that's not what I meant… but remember? When Harry was born, we had trouble deciding whom to name as his official godfather. Only with the Ministries prejudice against werewolves, we finally opted for Sirius. Remus said he was okay with it, but I know he was jealous. Then with Holly a newborn without a godfather, and Remus showing up with the news that Sirius was dead, we named Remus as hers."

"I remember. It works out well as they now have one a piece to spoil rotten. Though it is more like they both spoil both of them every chance they get. So I don't get it… what's the problem?"

"With a third… either someone is going to get their feeling hurt again, or we're going to come up short a godfather." James pointed out.

"Hm… then you are just going to need to step up your search for Sev, aren't you?"

"I guess that would be one solution."

"Don't worry about it James..." Lily snickered as she cuddled back down in the crook of his arm, with Harry still cradled cosily in hers, "…you have eight months."

"Thanks, I'll need it." James returned dryly and shut his eyes with a sigh. 'Severus Snape! You'd think a sore thumb like that would be easier to find.'

James laid wide-awake the rest of the night holding his wife and son in his arms, alternately grinning like a fool, and grimacing like a troll. By the time, that dawn reached the flat he had made up his mind about two things: first, if Severus Snape was what Lily wanted, than Severus Snape is what she was going to get. Come hell or high water he was going to find Snape, stuff him in a box, wrap it in glittery gold paper, and present it to Lily with an overly large red bow on it. It was the least he could do for the mother of his children. Secondly, he was going to need to brush up on his stunning spells if his first goal was going to come to fruition. He couldn't think of any other way he was going to get Snape into that box … unless… maybe if wrapped it in green and silver instead…

Warm and cosy in his parent's arms, Harry slept quite soundly straight through the night, despite the hushed conversation going on over his head throughout the better part of it. For the first time since Dudley moved in the week before, he'd had a full night's sleep. With the constant emotional stress of feeling as if he needed to prove himself, he had rested only fitfully when he did at all. Now he was totally exhausted.

After years of jumping to the Dursley's every beck and call at a moment's notice, he normally slept very lightly, always alert for that harsh rap on the cupboard door informing him that they thought he was slacking off again. However, tonight, only overwhelming feelings of love and security penetrated through to his dreams, making him feel safe and very reluctant to wake. When he did finally stir, he found he couldn't move his arms, and started to panic that Dudley was sitting atop him. That panic subsided just as quickly when he rationalized that if it were his cousin pinning him to the mattress, he would also be feeling his fists pummelling him as he used him for a punching bag. Doing his best to calm down, he breathed deeply and caught the light scent of roses and lilies that could only be… Mrs. Krueger!

Opening his eyes, he saw a cloud of red hair fanning across his chest, and was sure that if he had only had his glasses on, that the small red fuzzy dot bouncing at the end of the bed would come into focus as his baby sister watching him from her crib. He was back in the Krueger's bedroom! "How in the world did I get here again?" Harry asked himself under his breath, and was surprised to feel his hair been tousled by strong yet gentle fingers, and a deep vibrating rumble under him as his father suppressed a laugh.

"Good morning champ! Did you sleep well?" James smiled down at his son who was still snugly trapped in his mother's arms. He was tempted to tell Harry the news, right then and there when all was quiet and it was just the two of them awake, but he knew Lily would have his head if she weren't in on the telling. James poked at Lily to see if she would wake up, but she was clinging as tightly to sleep, and she was to Harry. She hadn't let go of him all night, and James had to laugh. It was so similar to how Harry had been guarding the egg. And Lily said she had absolutely no idea where his overly compulsive 'protector' streak from - ha! James knew.

Harry tilted his head back and saw the blurry outline of his dad's face above him. He wished he had is glasses on so he could tell if he was upset with him or not. He bit his lip with worry. He decided he best not to take any chances, and apologize just in case. That was how he had learned to survive so long at the Dursleys – apologize first and ask what he did wrong later… if given the chance to, that is.

"I'm-I'm sorry Mr. Krueger… I didn't mean to sleep here! Really I didn't! I don't know how it happened - I was sure I got in the right bed last night." He tried to scoot out from under his mum's arm but she just reacted by hugging him tighter. "And now I'm stuck."

James laughed again. He knew that feeling well. "Here… let me show you a trick." Reaching down, he tickled Lily behind the ear. When she lifted her arm to try and swat his hand away, he signalled Harry to roll out of her reach and then he stuffed a pillow in the hollow where his son had been. Lily pulled the pillow in close and sighed in her sleep. James then handed Harry his glasses and put a finger to his lips as he slid out from under her grasp himself, before covering her with soft blanket to keep her warm.

"What say we go get some breakfast?" James offered as he picked up Holly and cradled her to his chest with one arm while he held out his other hand to Harry. "I promise I won't bite..." he reassured, smiling sadly as Harry hesitated before he took it – but at least he did take it James told himself holding on to it tight, that was at least a start.

"How would you like your eggs Sir? Scrambled or fried?" Harry asked tentatively. When they had reached the kitchen, James had dropped Harry's hand while he put Holly in her high chair. Harry took that as a signal that he should get busy being helpful and started by pulling out a skillet and a bowl with five raw eggs, one for him and four for Mr. Krueger. When James just looked at him sadly, he thought he'd said something wrong.

"Or… I could make you an omelette?"

"How about you find some Oatie-O's to occupy your sister, and sit down. Then I will make you breakfast, instead of you making it for me. " James offered sticking his head in the icebox to see what was in there.

"You Sir? You can cook?"

"Yes me – I great at cookery," he bragged. "Don't tell your mum, but I do know how."

"You do?" Harry asked sitting down at the table next to Holly after getting the cereal box out of the cupboard. Popping a few of the round O's into her waiting mouth, he helped himself to a handful as well while he watched Mr. Krueger with curiosity to see what he would do. He remembered the breakfast not so long ago, when between his dad and his two godfathers, the kitchen caught fire and almost burned the building down.

"Yes I do. Probably not as well as you, from what I hear, but I can get by in a pinch. Now let's see what we can find…" James' idea of cookery was to pull anything that looked as if it wasn't growing a fuzzy green blanket out of the icebox and to put it on the table, along with anything from the panty that didn't require anything other than opening the box to make it edible. By the time he finished 'cooking' breakfast the rest of the household had woken up and meandered out of their various bedrooms and flats and had joined them at the table.

"What's this?" Sirius asked opening up the nearest container and sniffing it before turning slightly green and snapping the lid back down. "Eww gross! I think it moved."

"Oops! I didn't mean for that little sucker to get out! Here, give me that." James whipped it out of his friend's hands and stuffed it into a back corner of the icebox.

"James!" Lily frowned at him as she sat down at the table on the other side of Harry.

"Yes my eternal love?" James was more than willing to put up with a bit of disapproval this morning to hear the giggles coming from his son over his antics. Besides, he was sill grinning from ear to ear over Lily's announcement. He just wondered how long he could keep it a secret from the guys when he felt like shouting it from the rooftop.

"If it's past its expiration date, why did you put that back in there?"

"Er… what's an expiration date? No matter, don't answer. I just thought Moony might like it as a snack in a couple of days. He's starting to feel ill and it being alive and all…"

"Thanks, but no thanks Prongs. I prefer my meat to be red, not green."

"But it's also furry! You like furry." James pouted.

"Furry is not always better." Lily said adding her two cent's worth.

"Really? Since when?" Sirius piped up offended.

Remus just laughed at his friends, retrieved the questionable item back out of the icebox and tossed it in the trash bin to be sure it wouldn't be there to tempt him when his ravenous hunger reared its ugly head. Unfortunately, for Remus' normally delicate constitution, what James said in jest wasn't that far from the truth. When he transformed into his werewolf alter, all reason fled, and he never really knew, or remembered what (or Merlin forbid – who) he ate. Whatever it was that used to be in that container it had to be toxic by now, even to werewolves.

"But Uncle Remmy… I thought you liked to eat pies when you start to feel ill." Harry was puzzled about the turn in the conversation. Before anyone could explain, the mention of pastries sparked Dudley's attention and woke him the rest of the way up to join the conversation. Up to this point, he had been sleeping with his head on the table. It had been a late night for him.

"Pies? There are pies? Where? I want some too!" Dudley sat up and looked hungrily over the offerings on the table. To his disappointment, he didn't spot a single solitary slice, just a bunch of cold leftovers.

"Here Dudster, eat this instead." Sirius said handing him a dish of left over spaghetti.

"Yuck! For brekki? Are you kidding me? Isn't Auntie Lily going to cook me something?"

"No I'm the cook this morning," James grinned at him. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

"It's cold!"

"That it is, very astute of you to notice. Really James, you could have at least warmed it a bit." Sirius agreed as he stabbed into it with a fork and ate some. "Still… not so bad."

"BUT I WANT PIE!" Dudley wailed and started banging his fists on the tabletop.

Any second thoughts he might have had about continuing his prank on Dudley died with the familiar, yet still unbecoming, tantrum. "So sorry Dudster, but Remus has all the pies downstairs under lock and key. But I think we do still have some very nice… eggs." Sirius said giving Dudley a knowing look.

"Oh yeah! I want some eggs!" Dudley nodding his round head vigorously in agreement.

"May I have one too? I can fix omelettes for all of us." Harry offered jumping up quickly. As he wasn't all that partial to cold spaghetti for breakfast either, he was more than willing to cook one even for Dudley. Harry picked up the bowl of eggs off the counter where he had left them earlier next to the stove, and moved to check the burner. He thought the pan should be hot enough by now, as he had lit the burner under it on low just before Mr. Krueger had ordered him to sit down. "Just let me check the…"

"Oh, I don't think you 'checking' anything will be necessary this morning pup." Sirius cut him off in mid sentence, giving him a sly conspiratorial wink.

Although the thought of one of Harry's omelettes made his mouth water, Sirius realized that his tempting offer would spoil his carefully plotted prank. He also knew that if he delicately manipulated the situation, it would actually help him instead - boy's being boys and all, and Dudley being an especially annoyingly self-centred one. He flung an arm over Dudley's shoulders and gave him a squeeze. "The Dudster here knows all about how to check hard boiled eggs to make sure they're cooked well, don't you Dudster?"

"That's right Ido. That's 'cause only smart people know how." Dudley smirked loftily, and then with a speed that contradicted his bulk, he was out of his seat and with a 'Gimme!' he grabbed the bowl away from Harry so he could hog them all for himself.

"But those aren't…" Harry started to warn him that the eggs weren't hard boiled, but raw ones that still needed cooked, only he stopped short when right before his eyes the white eggs in the bowl Dudley was holding bloomed with bright splashy colours and then multiplied till there were a full dozen. This time he absolutely knew he wasn't the cause.

"Yes they are! They're all mine now stupid, so you bloody well shut it!" snarked Dudley as he sat back down, greedily putting an arm around the bowl to prevent anyone from trying to share the contents.

Suspicious, Harry looked at his godfathers to find out what was going on just in time to see Sirius slip a wand back into the pocket of Remus' robe under the cover of the tabletop, without Uncle Remmy noticing. When Sirius saw him witness the act, he gave him another conspiratorial wink. Harry wisely decided not to get in the middle of whatever it was Uncle Siri was doing. He had too often been at the wrong end of Dudley's wrath as it was, so he did as his cousin had ordered, and shut up. Sitting back down at the table between his mum and Holly, he poured himself some more Oatie-O's to share with his baby sister and waited to see what would happen.

Good mood or not, James on the other hand wasn't about to give up trying to make Dudley behave, with at least some toleration, towards his Harry. What he heard the night before had just reinforced his zero tolerance policy towards Dudley and his snide little put-downs.

"Dudley, what did I warn you about swearing and calling people names?" James asked as he ate the contents of one of the more interesting looking containers. Despite sounding stern, the absurdly happy look on his face sent Dudley mixed signals.

"Uh… not to do it anymore or I can't use my computer?"

"Right. So…?"

"So… I never get to use my computer anyway! He's always on it!" Dudley said pointing accusingly across the table to Remus, who in turn just looked apologetically at James.

"I can't help myself. It's addictive," he shrugged helplessly. "But on the bright side I am getting rather good at blasting alien spaceships!"

"Thanks for making my threats worthless Moony," James returned dryly.

"You're welcome Prongs."

"I didn't mean it as a compliment." James glared at him.

"Oh right. Sorry."

"Very well Dudley, then your television stays off for a week." James declared instead, determined to come up with something that would make Dudley think twice about what he was saying the next time.

"Er … (cough) … James?" Sirius interrupted. "I don't mean to rain on your parental parade here, but as you put Moony and me in charge of the Dudster, and as I've been monopolizing… er… I mean as I've appropriated his television already, maybe you should pick something else to punish him with… say like… oh, I don't know… maybe have him share the eggs he's clutching so possessively?"

"Better yet… no eggs at all for you today. Hand them over." James demanded.

"BUT I'M HUNGRY! I'll STARVE!" Dudley wailed pathetically.

Harry tried not to snort at that remark but failed miserably and milk came out his nose.

Lily had passed on the dicey looking leftovers and opened a jar of pickles instead. Waving a spear of dill at her husband, she pointed out reasonably that "Dudley has a point James. He really does need to eat before he goes to school or he'll fall asleep at his desk. But I also agree with Sirius that he certainly doesn't need a whole dozen. Besides, a hardboiled egg would go very nicely with this pickle."

"Fine, since no one seems to appreciate what I cooked for breakfast anyway." James waived it off nonchalantly. No one was going to ruin his mood this morning. He was a happy happy man! No strike that – and make that a happy happy man about to have an early Easter egg courtesy of his nephew. "Share the eggs Dudley."

"NO!" Dudley pouted petulantly. He was decidedly out of sorts (more than usual) after having stayed up far too late for a nine-year-old.

"Share. THE. EGGS!"James' good mood and patience was starting to stretch thin. A night of no sleep had a tendency to do that, even to a thirty-year-old-happy-as-all-get-out-soon-to-be-a-father-of-three.

"Ah, but Dudster… just think," Sirius connived, stepping in to derail the duel of wills between the two before it could get much traction. "Now is your chance to demonstrate how much you know. Isn't that well worth parting with a couple of paltry tidbits?"

"I dunno… maybe." Dudley said reluctantly. He did want to show up Harry.

"That's the way to negotiate!" Sirius encouraged jovially. "Let's see, so how about for every egg you give to someone else, you have one for yourself? That's fair isn't it?"

Dudley squinted his eyes tight as he tried to do the math in his head. It didn't seem that fair to him, there were a lot more of them - six if you counted his cousins, but he wouldn't so that would make it four to one. Wouldn't that mean he would only get a few? Now that he was awake, he was REALLY HUNGRY!

"Don't strain yourself Dudster. That means you would get half of them."

Dudley perked up. Half! That sounded MUCH better. He was used to splitting the food in half between him and his father. His mother was always on a diet and he never counted his cousin into the split for anything. "Okay I'll share then."

"Peel one for me first Dudster, I think I'd like that red and purple one right there on top, I think it's one that snicklefritz did for me. At least I have a dye tattoo on my elbow to match." Sirius said crossing his arms and tilting his chair back to into his preferred two-legged position.

Dudley picked up the egg and with total seriousness twirled it on the table in front of him. When it stopped spinning, he tapped it lightly three times on his head before rubbing it vigorously, cracking, and shelling it smoothly in one piece.

Grinning at his successful demonstration, he tossed it neatly over to Sirius who salted it and popped it into his mouth in once piece.

"Yumm… that was nice," he said smacking his lips. "Now do the orange and pink one there for your Uncle Remmy." Remus looked hopeful at that and put down the week old Chinese takeout he had been eating by using his fingers as chopsticks.

"But I thought you said I got half!" Dudley griped with a frown.

"You do. I just didn't say when your half would be. We each get one first, and then you can eat yours - all in a row."

Dudley grumbled but did as they asked, carefully shelling them one by one as Sirius had taught him, and becoming dismayed as the heaping bowl of eggs dwindled faster than he thought it would as they even made him shell one for both of his cousins! Although all Holly did with hers, was to throw pieces of it everywhere, thinking she looked cute doing it. He had felt like refusing on general principles, but the look on his Uncle James' face told him he'd better not, so he purposefully just pretended to rub theirs on his head but didn't really do it, so they would have crunchy bits of shell left on them, by way of protest. The only enjoyment he was getting out of being chef for everyone was showing up his freaky little cousin. He was pleased that Harry looked positively gobsmacked that his precious godfather had shown him how do something that he hadn't shown Harry.

'The way his eyes keep getting bigger and bigger behind those thick glasses is really funny! He looks like my new fish! Oh… my fish. I forgot to have them bring it here. Hm… should have fed it I guess. Oh well. I wish I had a new camera so I could take a picture of the freak looking so freaky though. My old one only takes fuzzy pictures. Ha-ha! If I had a picture of his stupid face, I could blow it up real big and use it for target practice. Hm… a new camera would be a good thing to ask for when Mum and Dad get back from Holiday! They should be back soon… maybe I should start a list…'

Dudley wasn't really all that good at multi-tasking and the concentration needed to compose a mental list of all the presents he wanted when his parents returned, was too taxing and distracted him from the fact that the remaining eggs he was shelling for himself, weren't shelling quite as nicely as the rest had.

If Dudley thought Harry's eyes looked big when he was rubbing the first six eggs on his head, they got even bigger when Dudley cracked an egg for himself and the slimy interior started running down his hair and dripping off his ears.

"What happened?" As Dudley went to put the egg in his mouth, he found the yolk slipping between his fingers and onto his lap.

"Ah… you must have not had your mind on it. I told you that if you aren't careful you could get a bad one. Now do you see what I mean?" Sirius said with a perfectly straight face. "Were you thinking about something else?"

"…yeah." Dudley admitted red faced.

"Well there you go! But you have five left and that's more than enough for breakfast."

Dudley picked up the next one and repeated the process. The result? Another egg bath.

"But I did it right this time! I know I did!"

"Must not have twirled it enough is all I can say. But you have four left." Sirius shrugged.

Dudley turned his beady little eyes on him and twirled the egg an extra time, tapped it, rubbed it in circles, and then cracked it on his head with no better result.

"Now that was just overkill on the twirling! And I am sure I only saw you only tap twice." Sirius clicked his tongue in disapproval, critiquing his technique harshly.

Dudley twirled again, being more careful this time to count the taps – one tap – two tap –three taps, before rubbing the egg on his already egg slick hair and cracking it on his head. As egg started to drip off his nose, Sirius had a hard time not laughing.

"I think I spotted your problem this time. You rubbed it in a clockwise motion. Remember that is only in Australia and in other parts south of the equator, in the northern hemisphere you need to do it in an anti-clockwise motion."

"Ah yes, you're referring to 'The Coriolis Effect'." Remus agreed knowledgably, unwittingly lending an air of credibility to Sirius' prank. "Gaspard Gustav de Coriolis noted, in the eighteen hundreds I believe it was, that the rotation of the earth generates a force great enough to cause elements of nature, such as wind, to move over it in a circular motion, in relationship to the surface of the planet. Of course, in the case of something as small as an egg, there wouldn't be…"

"… ewwww… Moony! Stop! Please! That is waaaaay too much technical information for this early in the morning! The brains aren't working yet!" Sirius hurried and cut in before helpful Remus could spoil his prank. The teachers at the table raised their eyebrows at his protest, as they both believed in taking every opportunity available to educate. Sirius agreed, but that type of education wasn't his aim.

"Forget all that nonsense Dudster, it's just physics - it doesn't matter… now the thing to really remember is that it'santi-clockwise," he said making large exaggerated circular motions in the air with his hands to demonstrate. "Come on! I know you can do it. You were doing so well until you forgot absolutely everything that I taught you."

Dudley took the fifth egg and carefully twirled, tapped lightly three times, rubbed it in an anti-clockwise motion and then cracked it open on his head.

…drip …drip …drip …

"Well, look on the bright side Dudster! You still have one left!" Sirius smiled broadly.

Dudley heaved a sigh. Nearly all of his breakfast was dripping off him onto the floor, and his tummy was protesting mightily. To top it off, his freaky cousin was laughing at him behind his hands. Oh he was trying to look innocent but it was probably all his fault!

He was beginning to feel duped. There was something odd in how all of the first eggs were perfect, but once he got to his own, they were all uncooked. It was a good thing he knew better, or he would think Uncle Siri was being mean and pulling a trick on him. But he did know better – he had heard them talking and he knew that Auntie Lily had made both of Uncle James' brothers promise to take good care of him, before she would agree to their supervision. He also knew that Auntie Lily would be upset with them if they didn't keep their word. Lastly he knew that neither one of the men wanted to be on Auntie Lily's bad side. That meant just one thing… IT WAS ALL HARRY'S FAULT! This last egg was probably just as bad! His freaky little cousin was trying to pay him back. That was okay by him because he knew just what to do about it!

"You think you're so smart, you do this one," he challenged Harry as he rolled the egg across the table and it came to a stop in front of him.

"Brilliant! Thanks Dud!" Pleased with the unexpected bounty, Harry rolled the egg on the tabletop until the shell broke apart. "I know it isn't as fancy as your way of doing it, but it works for me," he said immediately popping the hardboiled egg in his mouth before Dudley could claim it back.

"Hey! No fair! That was MY EGG!"

"Oh sorry... I thought you gave it to me." Harry said licking the salt crystals off his fingers.

"Have I ever given you anything before?" Dudley growled at him even louder than his stomach was.

Harry thought for a scant moment before he answered truthfully "No."

"So what'd make you think I'd start now?" Dudley yelled.

"Er…"

"He probably just thought my kind and generous nature was beginning to rub off on you. Or should I say 'drip off'?" Sirius chuckled, slapping Dudley on the back with glee. "You know what they say… monkey see – monkey do!"

When he finally stopped laughing long enough, Sirius offered to make Dudley some porridge to make up for his missed breakfast, and while Dudley's tummy was ready to accept his offer (despite how much he detested the nasty stuff), his hurt pride wouldn't let him. Stomping off to the bathroom in a huff to wash the egg off his face, he threw the patented Evan's death glare over his shoulder as he went, leaving no doubt in anyone's mind that he was definitely Lily's nephew, as an identical death glare was aimed at Sirius from that quarter as well.

"What'd I do?" Sirius asked innocently, only to have James head slap him.

"Last night you told me that you didn't do anything to Dudley!" he accused him.

"No I didn't Prongs, I purposely avoided answering the question altogether. As I recall, all I said was that breakfast would be interesting, and it was." Sirius contradicted him. "Well wasn't it? Besides, I didn't do anything to Dudley. He did it all to himself."

"Got to admit he's right about that," the resident peacemaker Remus agreed.

"I don't have to admit anything of the kind as I wasn't part of that conversation," Lily said shortly. "And as I recall you owe me Sirius, and I think it's time I start collecting."

"Anything Mi'lady! You're every wish is my own desire!" Sirius attempted to jump up and bow to her, to show her he was at her service, but instead he upset the balance of his tenuously tilted chair and it crashed backwards, right into Harry who was passing behind him carrying his cereal bowl and cup to the sink to wash them out.

"Hey! Watch out!" Harry moved to get out of the way but Sirius' momentum was too great and they ended up in a tangled heap of arms and legs and broken crockery.

"Is everything still in one piece?" James pulled him out of the pile and set him on his feet, hoping that Sirius hadn't hurt him. When he had been watching Harry sleep that morning he had gotten a glimpse of several fading bruises under his pyjamas, and realized Harry hadn't been telling them when he got hurt. It made his heart ache to know that his little boy didn't trust him even that much. He had intended to bring it up to him at breakfast but that was when he thought they would have some time alone.

"I-I… I didn't mean to break the dishes! Really I didn't!" Harry exclaimed paling, not once thinking Mr. Krueger's question was due to worry over if he had been hurt, but assumed instead he was expressing upset over the breakfast dishes that now lay in pieces.

"I never thought you did." James was quick to correct him, and then swished and flicked his wand at the offending bits of broken ceramic, and the bowl and cup were magically whole again. He only wished he could mend whatever was wrong with Harry that easily.

"Dishes don't matter son. I can fix them with a simple spell. What does matter - is you. What I meant to ask is, are you all in one piece? Are any bones broken?"

Harry flushed slightly as he was embarrassed about misunderstanding. There was so much still to learn about living with magic around all the time. Then he kept expecting the Kruegers to react to everything the same way the Dursleys always had. His panic over the breaking the dishes gone, he debated if he should mention that his left wrist was throbbing a bit from landing on it. In the end he decided against it, after all it didn't feel broken, just sprained. It really wasn't that bad so he didn't want to bother anyone.

"Er… yes? I mean no! I mean yes - I am in one piece. And no - nothing is broken." Harry stammered out flustered at the attention as all eyes in the room were on him waiting for an answer. From his prone position on the ground, Sirius breathed a sigh of relief when he heard that, he really hadn't meant be so clumsy in his attempt to be funny.

"May I please be excused now? I need to finish getting ready for school and - and I wanted to go a little early this morning." Harry was in a desperate rush to escape before they forced him to betray himself and admit that he really was a burden.

"Why? Is something special happening today at school?" Lily asked with curiosity, remembering that Harry mentioning the same thing the night before.

"I just that I have um… a special project that the teacher is helping me with."

"Can't it wait? Your father and I wanted to talk to you about… um… a 'little something' this morning." Lily exchanged significant looks with James, who beamed proudly back.

'Oh no! Not that! Not yet! No! No! No! No! I still have almost week!' If Harry felt desperate to leave before, he felt positively frantic now. He really hated to remind them of their deadline, but there was no way around it. "I don't have that much time left to work on it… Easter is this weekend."

"Okay Sweetie you can go in early then," Lily granted half-heartedly. To hide her disappointment she threw herself into making up for it with a massive amount of nonstop mothering as she made him a sack lunch. "Be sure to wear your jumper - and Dudley needs to go with you. I don't want you outside alone. It isn't safe. Oh… and Sirius?"

"Yes Mi'lady?" Sirius replied making an air bow with his hands while still lying on his back halfway under the table.

"You're not off the hook yet. As long as you are down there, how about giving me a foot rub?" Lily grinned impishly and put a bare foot on his chest. Sirius didn't mind her using him for a footstool. It let him know that she had forgiven him.

Dudley on the other hand did mind, he did not intend to arrive at school one minute before he absolutely had too, and made his displeasure at that abhorrent suggestion known to all. Despite feeling horrid, Remus stepped in and volunteered to shepherd Harry there safely, if in exchange James would take Dudley later on his way to work.

Harry was greatly relieved about these arrangements as when he had gone back to his room to get ready, Dudley had been acting very smug about something. Knowing his cousin's penchant for revenge over the slightest imagined wrong, he was curious as to what he might have been up too, but not curious enough to stick around and find out. Hurriedly he dressed, grabbed his book bag off the desk, and ran for the door.