Chapter Ten: How Not To Cheer People Up

Dessie

I tipped my head backwards and gazed up at the endlessly blue sky. The wind was gushing through my hair, wiping the wild, black mess in all directions. As the clay bird shifted beneath my feet and Deidara laughed hysterically to my right, I felt powerful. A grin spread across my face and a laugh burst from my lips. I don't mean a happy laugh – I mean a real, true, evil laugh. You just don't get a lot of good evil laughs nowadays. People don't practice their evil laughs enough. I practice – just so you know. I practice at least once a day. I stand in front of the mirror and cackle. It's very effective. You should try it sometime. You might learn something about evil laughter.

I'm getting sidetracked.

Right. I was on the bird's back, laughing.

"Who should we destroy next?" I asked.

Deidara glanced down below, a mad smirk across his face. "They look like they need to be taught the true definition of art, uhn."

I scanned the ground and the destruction we had caused. Konoha might as well not exist anymore. We had fucked it over. We had fucked it over real good. I smiled. "I'm pleased."

"Because we were trying to please you, uhn," said Deidara, but he was smiling too.

"Leader will be happy," I said. "I think they've learned to fear us again.'

My eyes snagged on the giant fox in the distance. The fox stood amongst the rubble that was once Konoha. He was growling at three familiar figures – a Venus Flytrap, a red-headed puppeteer, and a sadistic queen. The fox opened its jaws and formed a giant black ball in its throat.

"Deidara…" I said slowly.

"Uhn?"

Zetsu disappeared into the ground, Sasori fled with his puppets, but Hannah – Hannah remained stock still, unable to move as shock took control of her body. The fox unleashed its ball of fury.

"Deidara!"

"What!"

The world exploded.

Air gushed through my hair, knocking the bird backwards with the eruption of power. Deidara steered the bird away from the explosion, trying to figure out what had just happened.

"Hannah!" I scrambled to the edge of the bird. "Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

"What?" Deidara leapt to the side of the bird with me. "What's going on, uhn?"

The smoke cleared, leaving a deep trench in the ground. Rocks were uprooted and debris was thrown completely out of the way.

"Hannah!" I screamed. "Where is she? Deidara! I can't see her!"

"What happened, uhn?"

I jumped off the bird. Yeah, it was a pretty stupid move in hindsight. I was about the same height as three-stories in the air (though Deidara claims it was even higher) and I jumped. I plummeted straight down and landed feet-first on the ground.

My legs broke.

I screamed and howled. I lay on the ground, my broken legs beneath me, and wailed. I don't know how long I lay there, but my legs eventually fixed themselves (immortality for the win). The second the bones were no longer shattered into a million pieces, I leapt up and sprinted along the destroyed ground, searching the deep trench where Hannah had been standing only moment before.

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

Nothing.

"Hannah!"

"Dessie? What the hell are you doing?"

I spun around – allowing the deep voice to let me hope – but I turned to see the silver-haired Hidan, scowling at me amongst the rubble.

"Where is she?" I wailed.

"Where's who?"

"Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

Hidan blinked stupidly. "She's not here?"

"She's not anywhere!"

"Maybe she, um, left."

I shrieked. "People do not just get up and leave! Well, maybe they do – but not like this! They do not disappear off the face of the Earth! People are here! Was there an orb! Maybe there was an orb! Those Jashin-damned orbs – they keep popping up where they aren't wanted! We don't want those stupid orbs! We don't want them! Fuck them! Four can take those stupid orbs and shove them up his ass! Just give Hannah back! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah!"

Hidan just stood there in front of me. His mouth moved soundlessly, but no actual words came out.

"You're useless!" I screamed, throwing a punch at Hidan's stomach. He was too shocked to even dodge it. "Go find her! Go find her and bring her back! Go jump into that fucking orb with her! Go find her! Even if she's back in Wargonia, go find her! Hidan! Hidan! Hannah!"

"Dessie."

I spun around – insert moment of hope here – to see the Venus flytrap encased Zetsu. He looked rather distraught, his half-black face and his half-white face battling emotions.

"Quit doing that!" I screamed. "Don't say my name! Don't say my name! Shut the fuck up! Don't say my name! Where's Hannah? Four took her, didn't he! Damn it! Stop it! Stop it! Four – Jashin damn you! Four! Hannah! Four! Where's Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! Hannah! AAHH!" I sat down n the ground and buried my head in my arms.

"She's…" Zetsu's white half choked on his own words. "She's dead."

Now, I don't know if you have ever seen Dessie go insane – but let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight. Dessie is crazy and wild and violent without a motive. So, imagine how crazy, violent, and wild she must be with a motive.

I don't remember what happened after that. According the rest of the Akatsuki, I went Dessie-Shit-Insane (yes, it has a name, it's kind of like bat-shit-insane, but with more Dessie). Kisame claims it reminds him of Kate on Mr. Nibbles mode, but Sasori disagrees. Kate gone insane is funny – Dessie gone insane is just scary. Basically, when I came to again, Konoha didn't even have debris left to mark its existence and the demon fox was no longer around.

The Akatsuki had gathered in the trees and now that I had stopped destroying everything, they leapt out into the open.

"Dessie," said Itachi.

"Where's Hannah?"

"She's dead."

I turned to stare at Itachi. "You didn't say 'hn'."

"Hn?"

I smiled. "I think I might of killed Sunshine-Hottie."

Kakuzu prodded the unconscious Naruto with his foot. Naruto groaned and rolled over, blood streaming from a wound on his forehead. Kakuzu straightened up. "No. He's alive."

"That's good…"

My legs collapsed beneath me.

The journey home from Konoha was, um, interesting. And sad. Actually, scratch the interesting and just use sad. It was sad, very sad.

Hidan had picked me up and volunteered to piggyback me home. Kisame was trying to comfort Kate while she bawled his eyes out on his shoulders. Zetsu and Deidara were comforting each other (a scene you will never see or hear of again) while Kakuzu ran on in silence. Itachi and Sasori were a little behind me, so I couldn't see what they were doing either, but I know Tobi was weeping opened – he missed his Nunu.

"Cheer up," said Hidan. "Hannah is with Jashin-sama now."

"Yeah," I said. "That's not helping."

"Okay…" Hidan thought about it for a second. "Alright. I got one – a man walks into a bar – Ouch."

I blinked. "You've reached a whole new level of stupid."

"That usually happens when you walk into a bar," said Sasori.

"He's trying to get us to think that the bar is the one you get drunk in, not the metal bar that you beat people over the head with," I explained.

"Bars don't generally hurt," said Deidara. "Unless you're really wasted, uhn."

"Fine. You've all heard that one before."

"I haven't," said Sasori.

"Yes, but no one cares what you think. But I've got more. What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion – a piece of ass that makes your eyes water."

"Stupid," I muttered.

"Pieces of ass generally don't make my eyes water, uhn. I like to keep my eyes clear so I can admire that piece of ass." Deidara paused before adding, "You know who had a nice piece of ass – Hannah."

"I don't think you're supposed to bring her name up so quickly," said Sasori. "We're still in the mourning phase."

"Oh." Deidara considered this. "Hannah's death must be a big deal."

"Weren't you the one who was desperately in love with her?" asked Sasori.

Deidara frowned. "Yeah, but she went out with a bang. Like a piece of art. She should be proud to be a beautiful moment in life, uhn."

"He's crazy," I murmured.

"He's fucked-up insane," said Hidan.

"What I want to know," said Deidara. "Is why Kakuzu isn't more upset."

We all turned to stare at Kakuzu, who was running through the forest as if we were returning from any other mass murdering mission.

"That is very suspicious," said Hidan.

"Maybe he's in shock," I said.

"Or maybe," said Deidara. "He was never really in love with her in the first place and was only dating her to spite me."

I giggled. "I know a secret." Then, the memory of Hannah's fresh death flashed through my mind and my laughter faded into nothing. "Deidara, shut up. You're annoying."

"And you're a bitch, I thought we had this established, uhn."

We fell into a stiff silence, broken only by Hidan's cry of "What do you call a woman with two arms and one leg? Eileen!"

"Stupid," I said.

"I'm pretty sure there are some cripples who are offended by that," said Sasori.

"You people suck. Okay. What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug!" Hidan cackled gleefully. "Get it? Because he has a spade in his head…"

"Stupidest," I said.

"I got one," said Deidara. "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side, uhn."

I smiled weakly. "And with that one joke, you have beaten all of Hidan's."

Hidan flipped off Deidara. "You're so damn hard to please. Fine. How about this? What kind of cheese can't you eat? Nacho cheese!" Hidan laughed. "You see. Because it's not your cheese."

"Bad to worse."

"You could also use Jack Cheese," said Deidara.

"We're kidnapping cheese now?" asked Sasori.

Deidara nodded. "I'll distract the owners and you can smuggle the cheese into the back of the van, uhn."

"The poor cheese," said Kisame, who shifted the now sleeping Kate on his back to a more comfortable position. "And, Hidan, you suck at cheering girls up."

"Because you're so good at it," snapped Hidan. "Alright. I have another one. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!"

"Someone shut him up," groaned Sasori.

Kakuzu obliged by beating Hidan over the head with his briefcase. Hidan fell unconscious and Kakuzu carried Hidan the rest of the way home while Itachi piggybacked me. I have to say, Itachi's endless silence was much more comforting than Hidan's attempts at jokes. I think I fell asleep some way along the ride home.

We returned to the hideout like it was any other mission – except this time we carried a massive unhappiness on a shoulders and were accompanied by a cloud of doom and despair.

Leader greeted us cheerfully. "Is Konoha terrified of you now?"

"They're afraid of Dessie," said Sasori.

Leader practically beamed at me. "What did you do? Knock off some heads? Did they all scream at the sight of you? You had a good evil laugh, right? I know you've been practicing."

I nodded mutely.

"You told them all 'Merry Christmas' when you left though, right?" said Leader. "That punch of – your holiday sucks – you didn't miss that up, did you?"

"We didn't say it," said Zetsu flatly.

"Aw, disappointing." Leader sighed. "I guess villains just don't have the same artistic flare nowadays. They just go a wreck havoc on the world and waltz away without installing the proper attitude of confidence and evil and cruelty – they just assume might is fear. You need to learn how to be true villains. You may be evil, but you have yet to master your evil sides. Master your evilness! I guess I could send you all on another mission, maybe then you can perfect you criminal sides…"

Konan, at least, seemed to notice something was wrong with us, because she cut across Leader and asked, "What's wrong?"

I think it was Kate who sleepily raised her head and said, with the upmost softness in her voice, "Hannah's dead."

Leader laughed.

And I don't just mean laugh – he guffawed. He was practically rolling on the ground with body-shaking laughter. He gasped for air between burst of snickers, while clutching his sides and letting out a stream of mirth.

"What's so funny?" asked Kisame.

"Hannah!" cried Leader, still shaking wildly. "Hannah! Dead? It's hilarious."

"We don't think it is," said Zetsu.

"Hannah! Hannah – dead? I mean, if you're going to make a joke about it, you could have at least said it was Kate who died. I mean – I'd believe you if Kate had died."

"Um…"

I glanced at Zetsu, who looked to taken aback to reply. In the end, it was Itachi who finally managed to say: "Hn."

"He says we're serious," translated Kisame. "Hannah really is dead."

"No way," said Leader, his laughter doubling. "The fact that you're still trying to carry on the joke is even more hilarious."

"But she's dead," said Sasori.

"Really dead," added Hidan.

"The kind of dead you don't come back from," added Kakuzu.

"Do you mind!" I snapped, kicking Hidan in the shins.

"Sorry," said Hidan, clutching his stinging shins. "But she really is dead."

"Do you know how to comfort people at all!" I hissed.

"Probably not…" said Hidan. "It's not like I do it often. Jashin does not support comforting."

There was a pause. I smiled weakly at Hidan. "Thanks…"

"Wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment-wait-a-moment."

Leader stood there with his hands raised.

"Yes?"

"Hannah's dead."

Kisame sighed in exasperation. "Yes, Leader – we've told you fifty times."

"Hannah's dead."

"Yes!"

Leader grabbed his stomach and stared laughing again.

"What now?" asked Deidara in exasperation.

"You're still trying to pull this lie?" asked Leader. "It's ridiculous."

Sasori rolled his eyes and stepped over Leader's body. "I'm going to make some coffee."

"I want some!" I cried, hopping over Leader to follow Sasori to the kitchen.

Behind me, I heard Kate saying, "Should we do something about him?"

"Don't worry," said Konan. "He'll figure it out soon enough."

A/N: Yes, she is dead. Review! OR HANNAH WILL STAY DEAD!