When Ymir first regains her consciousness she thinks she's having a nightmare. The memories flood her mind instantly, her whole village watching as she's sacrificed, the harsh words from her parents right before- too much for a girl the mere age of twelve. Her breath quickens.
"Mommy?" she whimpers, crying. Her mother isn't there to comfort her. Or anyone. Just the moans of titans far off in the distance. She shivers. She has no idea where she is, or what's going on.
She looked at her hands, staring at them as if they weren't real. Who's to say any of it is real? Instinctively, she bites her right hand, and winces. She's in her titan form again, and her mind isn't blank. Panicking, she brings herself out of it, afraid she will lose herself again.
She wails. She's hungry, thirsty, and tired; she's somewhere in the wilderness, she has no haven. She crouches down and tries to wipe away the tears to no avail, they keep falling.
"Shhhh it's okay." A soothing voice says. "Ymir you're safe."
She jolts awake. It takes her a few seconds to process that she had been dreaming of that day, and that someone is holding her, maternally.
"Mom?" she asks, confused. Her heart is pounding, but she slowly calms.
She hears a sharp inhale. "No, it's me."
"Oh." Ymir notices her face is wet. Ymir also notices it's Christa holding her, sitting up against the headboard, stroking her hair comfortingly. "Did I wake anyone else up?"
"Just me I think."
"You can let go of me now." she speaks briskly.
"Ymir…" she releases her arms reluctantly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Ymir is almost paralyzed. She's terrified of what she could have said aloud, that Christa heard something she wasn't meant to.
The girl slides down next to her, under the covers. She's two inches away, and Ymir rolls over to face the other way.
Christa rubs her arm soothingly.
"You don't have to say anything." she murmurs. Slowly, Christa scoots closer to Ymir, framing her, wrapping an arm around her.
Ymir stills. Christa kisses her shoulder blade. At least, that's what Ymir thinks just happened.
Looks like the roles are reversed.
Surprisingly, she finds herself drifting off to sleep, she tries reminding herself to thank Christa in the morning.
Ymir had sworn to herself she would never transform into a titan again. Deep down she's still terrified she'll be lost in that form forever, living in her own personal hell. She half hopes that if she remains human, well mostly human, it will go away, and she can live the rest of her life in peace.
When reflecting on her actions after bringing Dazz to safety, Ymir is perplexed on her reason for rescuing the bloke. She broke that promise to herself, to help her. A girl who would rather perish and be praised than live for herself.
Why did I do that?
"I really did a stupid thing, huh?" she asks, looking away from Christa, embarrassed. She is still uncertain of why she transformed to help her.
If only you knew, she thinks spitefully. Maybe you could tell me why.
That night it's freezing, and Christa insists they sleep in the same bed for extra warmth. Ymir can't fall asleep right away, and she's staring at the smaller girl, snuggled up against her, almost too inappropriately just to be "warm."
It's then Ymir gets her answer. She nearly snorts. I didn't think I was one for love, if that's what this is.
Ymir is dying, absolutely certain of it. Her heartbeat is slowing down and she feels as if she's being pulled away. Her insides are burning, twisted up in positions they shouldn't be, like there's writhing snakes inside of her. Her breathing is staggered. She could cry, she doesn't want to die.
Her vision is blurry, she can barely make out Christa holding her, similar to many, many nights ago.
The blonde girl is talking, but all Ymir can make out is one word: Historia.
It takes Ymir a moment to understand this is her name.
Instantly, Ymir doesn't regret breaking the promise she made five years ago. Historia is alive, thanks to her power.
She closes her eyes and smiles. She had been worried she would turn into a titan and die without regaining her consciousness for so long. Now she has nothing to fear. She doesn't mind the idea of dying in Historia's arms, her haven.