Another missing scene. Sorry they are not in order now, but I'm sure you'll figure it out!

"The Way Back"

There it was again, the faint tingle at the back of his mind that brought a fleeting image of a young elven girl, smiling at him with eyes the same colour as his own. With it came a wave of feelings he found hard to place, never felt before he had met Hawke. A wave of warmth that fills him completely and makes him want to smile. He frowns at the expected pain which comes as the memory passes. This is not pain he is used to dealing with. No healing potion takes it away and he has tried many. This pain inside will linger for days he knows now, that leaden feeling in his gut that will make all food taste like dust and turn all wine sour.

He knows he will linger in the 'Hanged Man' now, drinking stale beer to try and numb it for a while, giving Varric all the ammunition he needs to justify his taunting of his brooding. He will stay until Hawke walks in, then he will leave. Seeing her will just bring the ache back tenfold and that is too much to bear. Then he will wander back to that empty, dirty mansion and drink more until he knocks himself unconscious. When he wakes he will practise with the sword until his muscles scream out and take over with pain he knows how to deal with, masking that other pain, and then he will return to the 'Hanged Man' to start the pattern all over again. One morning he will wake up and his head will feel clear despite the hangover, then he knows it has passed ...until the next time.

He wants to blame Hawke for starting all this. If she hadn't kissed him and taken him to her bed, none of this would ever have happened. Could she have known what it would do to him?

He stares at the red scarf tied around his wrist, the reminder that he turned away from her. What has this mage done to him? How did it end up like this?

Frustrated and angry he picks up the sword ready to leave once again for the tavern, ready to lose himself once more at the bottom of a beer glass.

"Fenris? Are you up there?" A voice calls out, not one he is familiar with until he walks to the top of the stairs and looks down to see the guardsman standing there. The man who has the normally level headed and strong willed Aveline falling apart at the edges and stumbling over herself.

"Donnic? What are you doing here? Do the guards need to change again?"

Donnic shrugs, "No, not just yet. I've got the evening off, Aveline's working late again. I didn't fancy spending my time losing at cards at the 'Hanged Man'. Isabella and Varric are way too good at it. I knew you were having trouble as well. I thought if we practiced together we might get the hang of it and figure out how we might not lose to them as often."

"You want to play cards?" Fenris asks suspiciously and Donnic decides to come clean,

"Truth be told, Aveline asked me to look in on you, says you've been more, as she says, 'broody' of late. I've no idea what that really means, but I'm here and I thought we might better spend some time doing something useful instead of me feeling like Aveline has just given me orders for my down time."

Fenris smirks at Donnic; he is one of the few men Fenris has ever met where he doesn't feel like the man is out to get something from him. He is honest and down-to-earth. Someone he feels like he could trust. A rare thing in his life so far. This might be better at distracting him from those thoughts he can't quite get a handle on.

"Come on up then, can't have you getting the hard end of Aveline. Cards sound good. I am getting fed up of losing to those sharks. It might be good to beat them at their own game."

Donnic pulls out cards from his pocket and moves to sit at the table while Fenris grabs a cup and fills it with wine for his guest.

"What do you want to play?" Donnic asks as he shuffles the cards.

"How about that 'Diamondback? I still don't know all the rules for that one."

"That's the easy bit for me, too many hours spent sitting in the barracks when that man Jevens was in charge. We brought the cards out to pass the time. I know the rules for all the games, but I've never got to grips with the subtle nuances of game play. The other guards are always too keen to win to share that stuff with you."

The rules get explained and after a couple of hands where Fenris picks up on the rules they settle into comfortable game play.

"What brought you to Kirkwall Fenris?" Donnic asks as he studies the hand he has been dealt. Fenris continues to study his own hand whilst answering,

"I was a slave. I ran away from my master. What brought me to Kirkwall was the chance that I could pin down a magister long enough to kill him and truly become a free man at last." He gives a sardonic chuckle and places a card on the table, "Didn't turn out quite the way I wanted it to though."

"What happened?" Donnic asks as he puts a card down and picks up another,

"I was a good bit north of Kirkwall when one of his hunters caught up with me, or so I thought. I now think the bastard was ordered to his own death by Danarius. Before I killed him the man screamed out that if I wanted Danarius, he was heading to Kirkwall. Said that he was getting more lyrium to etch into my skin for when he caught up with me. As the Chantry controls lyrium trade in Thedas, I knew the only way he could get it was to smuggle it. If I could expose him to the authorities in Kirkwall, I knew it would give me a chance to get to him while he was held up wriggling out of the charges against him. A chance to get to him outside of Tevinter. It was the first time I had a head start on him. Instead of him following me, I could follow him."

"Sounds like a good plan, but I don't remember the guard ever holding a magister."

"He never did get held up. I knew Danarius; I knew he was a clever bastard. The possibility that it was a trap did occur to me, which was why I decided to hire a decoy. I met an elf named Athenril, a small time smuggler who knew the routes for smuggled lyrium. She got the information on where the pick-up was and put me in touch with Anso the dwarf who arranged for someone to intercept it. It was too much of a risk to do it myself. I held back and kept watch on the pick-up point, waiting to see who would turn up. I almost missed them when they did. I'd been watching for two days without sleep and had dozed off when they arrived, the screams of the dying woke me up in time to dispatch the hunters at the rear." he shakes his head and gives a small laugh, "When I walked down those stairs all I saw was four figures surrounded by a pile of carcasses, staring at me. I had not thought that Danarius would send such a large contingent of bounty hunters to take me down, but they had made short work of all of them. I was impressed. Had I tried to do it myself, I would surely have been caught. These four had saved me without even knowing who I was."

The edges of Donnic's mouth curl up, "I can imagine what they looked like, I've seen them fight, it's a pity you missed them in full flow. But what about the pick up? Was the lyrium there?"

The disappointment shows clear on Fenris' face. "No, only an empty chest. No lyrium meant I had no evidence to give to have Danarius held charged with smuggling. As soon as they told me I knew I had little time. My only chance was to confront Danarius immediately. Hawke agreed to help me. I thought he was in this house, but he had left before I got here, leaving behind only traps of demons and shades." Another card is discarded and replaced.

"Why did you stay? Why not give chase and find him again?"

"There was no trail to follow; besides, I owed Hawke for helping me. The coin I had did not cover the work they had done on my behalf. I thought this house belonged to Danarius and was sure he would return to it at some point. For the first time since running away, I could stand still for a while; all I had to do was wait." Fenris places his cards on the table," I think I might have you this time."

Donnic laughs, "I think you do my friend, you deal the next round." He watches as Fenris shuffles and then deals out the cards. As he picks up his hand, he looks at the elf curiously before looking at what cards he has, "What did you think of Hawke and her friends when you first met them?"

Fenris closes his eyes for a moment, picturing the scene in his head, "I don't remember thinking too much of them immediately, other than being impressed by their ability to dispatch so many bounty hunters, like I said. It was later after the failure to find Danarius that I really had time to form any idea of what they were about. I remember thinking Carver was a young, foolish, impulsive boy who would be good with his sword if he could only get comfortable in his own skin. Varric was the first clean shaven dwarf I have ever seen, it was hard to think past that, but he was too good with his crossbow to underestimate his capabilities. Your Aveline just stared at me, she gave me a moment's pause, and it crossed my mind that she might succeed where the bounty hunters had failed. My first instinct with Hawke was complete distrust, she had used magic. I felt I had just escaped one trap to fall immediately into another. To be beholden to a mage...it did not sit well with me." He sighs as he returns to looking at his cards, "What did you think when you first met them?"

Donnic chuckles, "I thought Andraste had returned with her army just for me! I knew Aveline since she started with the guard. Hawke I had only caught glimpses of when she came to see Aveline in the barracks. The night they rescued me was the first time I saw Hawke use magic. I was surprised that Aveline's friend was an apostate, but I was so grateful for not being dead. If Aveline wasn't going to turn her in to the Templars, then neither was I. It wasn't until later when Aveline told me the story of what they had gone through to get to Kirkwall that I appreciated why. The two of them are more like family to each other. You and Hawke have become close since you first met, have you not?"

Fenris stares hard at the cards in front of him, feeling those twinges return. Up until now this has worked well as a distraction. Had anyone else asked this question of him he would have sent them away, but he is finding it strangely comforting talking with Donnic. The man has shown nothing but respect for him, not tried to be a judge of his actions. His questions are only those of the genuinely interested.

"Yes...and no."

"What does that mean?" Donnic asks, his curiosity only piqued even more. Fenris looks at Donnic, not ready to reveal too much of himself just yet,

"Tell me Donnic, how do you know that Aveline is the woman for you?"

Donnic shrugs, "She fills in the gaps, with her I feel ...whole. It feels like before I met her I was merely existing. She frustrates and annoys me at times, but it all just adds to the wonderful melting pot that is 'us'. I'll have to marry her soon, make it all official, maybe then the rest of the guard will stop teasing me."

"You would marry her?" Fenris asks, a little shocked that Donnic would be so open with him.

"Why not? I know how I feel about her; it just lets her know it too. I love her, that's all there is to it. Is that not how you feel about Hawke?"

Fenris hangs his head, "I don't know. There are contradictions. I have no trust for mages, yet I think I can trust her. She will smuggle, steal and kill for coin, yet sometimes she gives away all profit to help complete strangers. I know she helps mages escape the circle, yet there are Templars who also ask for her help. I find myself drawn to her, wanting to spend time with her, feel my spirits lift when she looks at me or talks with me, yet just the sight of her causes me the utmost pain and I run from her. I would leave Kirkwall, but I have to stay and wait. I need to stay focused and be ready for when Danarius comes for me, Hawke shifts that focus and I fear that if it shifts too much I will not be ready. If I am not ready, Danarius will claim me and I will never be truly free."

Donnic nods his head, "A honeyed trap you are caught in indeed, but what do you mean she causes you pain? Does she hurt you, abuse you? I know she will break laws that will have Aveline's moral compass swirling, but I have never known her to be deliberately cruel to any of her companions."

Fenris stares at the cards in front of him, not seeing the symbols on them, to answer these questions he needs to talk of things he has talked to no one else about. Years as a slave has taught him that these things should not be spoken, slaves are not allowed to feel or express what is in their minds, to do so will mean further abuse or worse. Donnic has him talking more about himself than he ever has, even more than those conversations with Hawke. Is this what being free means? Letting other people see what is inside? He gets a glimpse of insight and suddenly understands a small part of it. Being free means taking the risk to let someone see part of you, risking ridicule and hurt and allowing yourself to feel. Whether these feelings are right or wrong is of no matter, they are yours and cannot be taken from you.

Donnic has sat patiently, giving Fenris the time to gather his thoughts and think how he might answer. He deserves respect from him and Fenris takes the risk, a leap of faith that this man will not abuse the trust he now places in him.

"For Danarius I was not solely a bodyguard. Yes he would make me light up these markings, have me demonstrate how I can rip hearts from inside another's body. Party tricks to intimidate his rivals and make them pause before challenging him. I stood at his side, his puppet to manipulate however he saw fit. He made me train with the sword daily, always watching, always without armour on, delighting in watching my whole body light up, sending out wisps of magic to heal instantly any cuts when a sparring partner managed to get through my defences." Fenris pauses before going on, finding it hard to keep the bitterness and shame from his voice, "Danarius not only required me to protect his sorry carcass, he would make me pleasure it. Every moment of every day , in every action, he made it clear how much I was property to him. He was all I knew. Every action I took was to please him. He was my whole world. My understanding of jealousy came from Hadriana. She hated that I was with him most of the time. She took every opportunity to abuse me further, refusing my meals, pinching my skin causing excruciating pain, testing her blood magic spells on me, leaving me unmarked so Danarius would not know, a multitude of little abuses that made me believe that Danarius was the one who cared for me. I knew nothing else.

It was not until I was left with the Fog Warriors that I learnt there was another way to live. That others could care for you and not hurt you. I watched them with their children, with each other and learnt of respect and honour. They clothed me and fed me, made me part of their family. Asked nothing of me in return. I began to see that Danarius cared nothing for me, only for what I could do for him. When he returned for me I thought I had no choice but to go back with him. I am ashamed that I did not see what choice I did have until all the Qunari lay dead at my hands.

Since running from Seheron I have felt little but rage. Rage at mages who have the power to subjugate all in their path, rage at those who will force others to their will, rage at a world which allows these things to happen and rage at myself for allowing them to do the same to me." He breathes deeply, trying to control the anger that rises as he talks of these things,

"Meeting Hawke changed everything. I did not believe any mage capable of thinking beyond their own needs and desires, willing to sell their soul in their greed for power. I did not want to be beholden to a mage and was bitter that I had let myself get caught in another's web. But Hawke is different. She has all the sensibilities of the Fog Warriors , but the same power as Danarius. I found myself beginning to care for her, wanting her friendship. She offered something more and I found myself wanting that too.

I have lain with Hawke only once. It was beautiful and wondrous, unlike Danarius she gave pleasure freely, did not take it. I was unaware that it could be like that. In that one act I understood what people mean when they say they feel whole, as you did when you talked of Aveline. Yet at the moment when I felt peace for the first time, a door opened in my head. Everything I had ever experienced in my life was spread before me. For a brief moment I knew who I was and who I had been. Then the door closed and with that came a searing pain and it was gone. I was unable to make sense of it and so I left her and I cannot return. Since then, one memory is all there is and it leaves an ache that I cannot fathom. If I go back to Hawke I fear that it will happen again and the ache will be made worse. I do not know how she did this to me, I do not think it was intended and however badly you might think of me, it cannot be worse than how I think of myself."

Donnic feels anger build up inside himself, he has heard this story so many times from prisoners he has arrested. People used and abused by those who should protect them leading them into lives of crime because they have never learnt that the world can be kind to them. Fenris does not know how lucky he was to have been abandoned with the Fog Warriors, the chance to experience for himself how different the world can be. His anger will be no use to helping his friend now, so he lets it go and finds instead the compassion to try and help him move forward,

"No Fenris, I do not think badly of you, but I feel badly for you. To find what you have with Hawke is a special thing, but you would give her up because of fear? This pain you talk of, I think I might know why that happened." Donnic places his cards face down on the table and clasps his hands,

"The Templars talk, when they have had a few drinks, their tongues loosen and speak too loudly of things they should keep quiet. You know their job is to watch for rogue mages, capture apostates and enforce Chantry law. They are but people, they are not Gods and subject to all the frailties the rest of us are. Liaisons between Templars and mages are frowned upon, but they do happen. Anders would tell you that in Ferelden, they turn a blind eye, but here in Kirkwall Meredith is harsher. Still, the threat of tranquillity for a mage or banishment for the Templar is not sufficient to stop it happening. Some Templars will boast of their conquests, some will laugh at getting one up on their superiors and others will pour tears into their drinks as they speak of the love for their magical partner. What a few talk of is the way they are healed by their mage, it seems that during the act of love making, those mages with healing ability will leak it out, mending the wounds and hurts of their lover. Not one of those Templars ever talks of leaving their mage, they are the ones who try to find a way out, break the laws, escape the circle. I think that is what happened to you, your memories were wiped out when your tattoos were put on you. I do not think Hawke harmed you, but healed some of the damage that was done to you. Your pain is the pain of now knowing what you have lost. The pain you feel on seeing her is simply that of denying yourself. Hawke has started a healing process for you, if you can't go back to her heal yourself and your fear will diminish. Find your way back to her Fenris, if you do not you will never escape the pain. I have seen those Templars who have lost their mage through tranquillity or not surviving the Harrowing. It is not pretty; they are husks of their former selves. Most take their own lives. I would not like to see that happen to you. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, you love that woman. I think I both envy and pity you. You have chosen a hard path."

Fenris feels a flash of anger; could Hawke have used magic on him without his knowing? "Did she use magic to make me feel for her? Are these feelings not mine? Has she placed them in me, or forced me to have them?" he demands.

Donnic gives a sardonic grin, "No my friend, those feelings are all your own. From what I know mages can only influence emotions for a short time, any lasting ones are real."

Can this really be what happened? Yet even as he asks himself the question he knows it to be true. Hawke hadn't hurt him, she had healed him, and brought back the memories he had thought were lost forever. She had given him a gift and he had thought it was a curse. Danarius had only ever healed him on the surface, as his caring of him had been. Never cared enough to heal the damage he had caused. Hawke had gone deep, healing the hurts caused long ago, could this be how she showed how much she cared for him? He shakes his head, his distrust of mages and their spells was just too great. He cannot go back to her, he was not ready to let another mage get that close to him again, even if that mage was Hawke. Was Donnic right, could he heal himself without magic? Maybe pushing the memory aside by drowning it in alcohol was not the answer. He brings it forward and remembers the girl with the same eyes as his own. Hadriana had said he had a sister, this must be her. She is smiling at him, she doesn't hate him. He still feels the pain, but lets it come, he knows it's name now, it is called grief, for a life lost and forgotten. Danarius is the one who took it from him and he will pay for that, but how much of that life can he claim back?

As for Hawke, Donnic may be right, maybe he does love her, but what does he know of love? All he has ever known is abuse, fear and hate. The witch had been right, the chains were still unbroken, and until they were he would not be free to explore what it meant. Without Hawke's magic could he even begin to heal himself? It was a risk, by the time he found out she might not be there for him to find his way back to. She deserved better than this fractured, fragile, mental mess of an elf.

"Donnic, do you think Aveline might help me find my sister?"

Donnic still sits with his hands clasped in front of him and gives Fenris a small smile, "I'm sure she would. I have some contacts at the docks, they might be able to help as well." He picks up the cards again, "What about this game? I think I might do better this time."