He tried not to hope. He tried to remind himself, every time he caught himself watching Charles that he couldn't have him. But there were moments, moments that happened more and more frequently as time passed, that made it impossible.

Such as the first time Charles sat on Maggie the elephant's back. It was three days after Erik's epiphany, and the train had arrived at their next destination. Shaw had prodded the huge animal out of her cart and onto the dew covered grass, where a rickety ladder was ready and waiting. Charles was nervous. He'd told Erik multiple times throughout the past few days, fretting anxiously about having to ride such a huge and exotic creature. Erik had done his best to reassure him, but truthfully he was just as hesitant. He looked so small beside the great grey bulk that Erik's arms itched to grab him and pull him out of the way. In the morning light, the animal cast a long blue shadow across Charles when he shakily stepped onto the first rung of the ladder.

Most of the other animal handlers had gathered to watch; Erik stood with Shaw beside the elephant's head as Charles reached level with its shoulders. Shaw had one hand gripping the leather straps that crossed the thing's face, and Erik clutched the cruel looking bull hook to his chest, but if the animal decided to protest being ridden there was very little either of them would be able to do.

Perched atop the ladder, Charles reached across the narrow gap to lay his hands lightly on the elephant's back. When the animal remained placid, he leaped gracefully aboard, folding his knees to the sides and immediately taking hold of the harness. The animal appeared completely unfazed by the human on its back, and turned her head toward Erik, dark inquiring eyes searching for a treat. He laughed in relief, and heard a weak chuckle from above in return. He looked up to meet Charles' easy smile with one of his own.

Beside him Shaw coughed, and too late they schooled their features. Charles redirected his smile toward the older man, but Erik liked to think that it was forced, less genuine.

Why shouldn't he hope?

Like when the show was in full swing and Erik managed to slip off on a break and pop by Charles' tent for a quick cup of tea before the horse show. While there he spotted a chipped chess set shoved under some books.

He and Charles played quickly, not able to take the luxury of thinking each move through carefully. The rushed pace was exhilarating and somewhat freeing as they slid their pieces across the dull tiles recklessly. They both played badly, too intent on finishing the game in time that they both lost pieces to unnecessary risks. Charles claimed his queen within five minutes and laughed gleefully when Erik mourned her loss with a string of curses in both English and German.

But even at that speed they weren't finished their game by the time Logan came in search of Erik with some task or another that needed doing, and Erik wavered at the door of the tent, loath to leave the warmth of Charles' company. The younger man obviously felt the same because he tugged Erik away from the entrance and pushed him behind a trunk, throwing a quilt over him to hide under until Logan had moved on.

Erik managed to win the game through pure luck- Charles simply made one more horrendous mistake than he did- and Charles conceded cheerfully. While Erik had been schooled in the game by his parents, Charles had taught himself to play. But nobody in the troupe would play him and Shaw didn't have much patience for it so he'd never had a partner to practice on. Erik felt warm pleasure blossom in his chest.

It felt dangerously like hope.

That after every show, when the performers were taking their bows, Charles' eyes found Erik at the back of the tent. That he was taking lunch more and more often at the workers table in the mess tent, sitting so close that they were pressed together from knee to shoulder. That he would laugh and smile and relax around Erik, the tightness around his features dissolving, then bags under his eyes growing less pronounced.

By all appearances Charles was enjoying their time together just as much as Erik was.

But what to do about it?

Shaw was no idiot, he had noticed. Although he couldn't be around to guard his precious boy all hours of the day, when he was present Shaw had become unbearable. Each day dawned with new marks on Charles' body, in increasingly visible places, like brands of ownership. Charles was often limping, the implications blinding Erik with fury. And Shaw made a point, whenever the three of them were together, to keep his hands on Charles. Every motion screamed "mine mine mine."

But Erik had allowed himself to hope, and now that he had, there was no going back.

He was convinced that he could win Charles over. The man liked him, considered him a friend, he'd even said so. What he hadn't said was that he was unhappy with Shaw, but his actions spoke volumes and Erik never failed to pick up on them. The flinches when Shaw pulled him close, the hesitation when he pressed their lips together, the distant, half formed beginnings of longing in his expression when he looked across the room from his seat beside Shaw, directed at Erik. He was sure that Charles wanted to be with him too.

So, Erik decided, he would allow himself to hope. He'd allow himself to hope that he'd eventually be able to convince Charles to be with him, to leave Shaw and maybe even leave the circus entirely. Because this had never been a long term thing, he'd always intended to leave. The reason he'd ultimately jumped on he train was because he'd been unable to envision his future after his parents had died and his education had fallen through. But now it was different. Every moment he spent with Charles his sight became clearer and he could see the future that he wanted.

They would have to be careful of course. Two men couldn't just live together in normal society, it was illegal. But if Erik got a job (maybe two) he could start saving up to pay for Charles to get into college. It was slowly becoming Erik's new dream, to find a way to get the boy the education he so obviously deserved. Because Charles was brilliant. He caught on quickly to all of Erik's simple farmers remedies, and even went beyond what Erik knew.

("That makes so much sense!" he'd examined after Erik told him the story of how he and Alex's shaky truce had formed, " a person who has diarrhea, or in this case the dog, has lost the capacity to digest sucrose and carbohydrates but is able to digest honey because it contains predigested sugars! It would do wonder to rehydrate the body. That's brilliant Erik!")

He also had multiple used textbooks stashed away in his rooms, hidden under the many novels. The order of them was...seemingly none-existent. The subjects ranged from biology, to eastern religions, maths to history of English prose. All of the books were worn and dirty, some without covers, missing pages, stained with unidentifiable substances. But Charles had read each of them front to back, and was always on the lookout for more. He'd go for long searching walks around the fields they set up in, and occasionally ventured to roam the streets hoping to find an abandoned book or two to add to his collection. Erik had gone with him a few times, and even managed to find him a poetry anthology wedged underneath a fence. The delighted smile he'd gotten when he presented it to the younger man had been the highlight of his week.

He was sure Charles would thrive in school, if only he could get him there.

They could tell people that they were distant cousins, Charles needing a place to stay while he pursued his studies. That story would hold for a few years and by that time Erik should have enough money saved up from his two (maybe three) jobs to purchase a house in the country, far enough outside of town that they could live in relative peace. Charles would be so happy, he was sure of it. Maybe they could eventually buy a horse for him, after a few years of Erik working his three steady jobs. Not a purebred Arabian like he was used to, but Erik felt confident that he could find a sturdy little workhorse for an affordable price.

Erik hoped and hoped and Charles gave him reasons to hope. They became close, although Charles was weary of Shaw catching on to their friendship, so he still tiptoed around and didn't outwardly show affection often. But he started to seek Erik out when he had free time, and they would talk over tea, or play chess, or sit with the elephant and attempt to teach her simple commands, bribing her with fresh fruit swiped from the kitchen. The elephant failed to grasp every concept the tried to teach, but it was a delightful pastime, sitting just the two of them in the hay, side-by-side, arms brushing occasionally.

It came to a point when they were spending more time in each others company than with anyone else. They used Erik's unofficial role of animal caretaker as an excuse to hang around the menagerie together, and although Charles had long since learned to do simple tasks such as clean the horses' hooves, he would feign incompetence and ask Erik to please help him.

On show nights, Charles would need refreshments brought to his tent, and Erik would manage to be the one to bring him them each time. On traveling days he would be mucking out a stable, or organizing the stock-cars and Charles would show up, looking for someone or something and end up staying for polite conversation.

The days passed and Erik hoped and thought that maybe Charles was hoping as well