Author's note: This is probably the longest chapter I've ever written, but I guess that happens when there's just so much to be told. The title and lyrics for this chapter is from the song 'Best I Ever Had' by Vertical Horizon. Thank you's at the end.
-
CHAPTER 10 – Grey Sky Morning
-
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now…
If someone would have asked her a month ago if she could see herself sitting in a bar in her old home town, flanked by Haley and Nathan and waiting for Peyton, Brooke would have just laughed. Mainly because going to Tree Hill would have been out of the question, but also because up until last night she hadn't talked to Peyton in over a year.
So when her blonde childhood friend called her she had been surprised to say the least.
"Hey B Davis… rumor has it you're back in town…"
"Peyton?"
She had been in the shower when it rang and now she stood there naked and dripping, almost looking at the cell phone in shock.
"Yeah, it's me. It's been a while. How are you?"
The voice on the other end sounded nervous and she felt the same way. Was Peyton back in Tree Hill too?
"I'm good" she mumbled, still in a bit of a shock. "I had some left over vacation so I decided to go back home for a while… Where are you? In California?"
"No actually I'm in Raleigh for an exhibition. But we're coming to Tree Hill tomorrow with the Fall Out Boy-tour. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to come down to Tric for the party. I haven't seen you in 18 months."
For a second she had hesitated, wondering if she was really ready to face Peyton. But then she took a silent breath and said; "I'd love to Peyt. It's been too long…"
It had been to long and as she got ready earlier tonight she kept telling herself that this was partly why she had come back to Tree Hill. To conquer all her ill feelings towards Peyton and to forget about the past and what could have been. It wasn't Peyton's fault that her life ended up this crappy. And she needed to let the grudge go.
Not that this makes her less nervous.
Haley keeps talking happily and she nods along, giggling in the right places, while silently wondering why she's even here.
"Hey Tigger, you're losing focus… What's up?"
Haley looks at her with her searching motherly gaze and she smiles back genuinely. Haley is like a comfort-blanket. A calm and safe harbour where she never needs to pretend, and that's why she's feeling so lousy in her friend's company nowadays. Because pretending is all she does.
So many times the last two weeks she's felt the urge to just open her mouth and let out the entire story. To throw herself in Haley's lap and open the floodgates that she's working so hard to keep closed every day. But if she does then Haley will feel the obligation to talk to Lucas, and Lucas…
She sighs.
"I'm sorry Haley. I was just thinking about work. And I guess I'm a little nervous about seeing Peyton."
She might as well be as honest as possible.
Nathan, who's been talking in his cell phone with his agent for the last ten minutes now hangs up and huffs.
"When are you two going to bury the hatchet?"
"Who?"
Haley swats her husband's leg but she keeps looking at Nathan, curious if he's brave enough to go down this road. And he is.
"You and Peyton. I get that there's a lot of shit between you guys but you have to start over at some point, right? That point might as well be now since you know she's not going after Lucas anymore."
She fakes shock, not at all ready to let on that this thought has crossed her mind already. It's so much easier to think about maybe restoring her friendship with Peyton now that she imposes less of a threat.
"This has nothing to do with Lucas…" she mumbles, but of course Nathan just rolls his eyes.
"I swear, you two are the scaredest and most stubborn people I know!" he sighs and downs the last of his beer.
"Me and Peyton?"
"No Brooke. You and Lucas."
This time Haley doesn't swat him. This time she just nods.
-
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
Lucas pushes the door to Tric open and protectively keeps a hand on Lindsey's lower back when they step inside.
They're late. He'd told Haley he'd be here at nine and it's almost ten now. Lindsey had for some reason been stuck in her closet for hours, which wasn't like her at all, and she looks beautiful. He just doesn't see why tonight is different from other Saturday nights. It wasn't like this was the first time they went to a club together.
Now Lindsey seems jumpy and nervous and he wraps an arm around her and gives her a squeeze.
"You look great Linds" he offers and she smiles up at him thankfully before leading her way over to the bar where they've both spotted Peyton.
It's a full house and when they reach her he hugs the curly blonde and once again apologizes for missing her exhibition. But she just shrugs it off.
"It's cool Lucas, there are other ones… Now come on, the others are in the back."
They follow her and he reminds himself to talk to Nathan about the clown he's promised to book for Jamie's upcoming birthday when he suddenly stops dead in his tracks.
Brooke is sitting between his brother and Haley at the table and his first impulse is to draw a deep breath. She looks fucking gorgeous.
"Uhm… Peyton…" he starts, but his curly ex-girlfriend has already dragged Lindsey towards the others. And suddenly he realizes why Lindsey has been so weird. She had understood what he failed to think of. That Brooke was coming tonight since all their mutual friends were here.
"Damn it…" he mumbles and forces himself to start walking again, and even though he only looked at Brooke for a couple of seconds he knows exactly what she's wearing, knows how her hair is arranged and that one of her legs is elegantly crossed over the other.
She still had the greatest looking legs in the world.
So much for not letting her presence bother him…
"Hey Nate. Hi Hales" he says when he finally joins the others and his brother grabs his hand in a firm grip.
"What's up man? Nice crowd, huh?"
Haley smiles, but to him she looks a little guilty. And she should, because she hadn't mentioned anything about this 'little arrangement' when they talked on the phone earlier.
Slowly he turns towards the last person by the table and forces a smile.
"Brooke."
"Hi Luke."
The use of his old nickname annoys him and he squints for a second. Knows that he has to stay 'normal' in order to keep Lindsey from feeling worried about their relationship, but Brooke has no right to call him 'Luke' anymore.
"How are you?" he gets out and his voice sounds somewhat mechanical but at least he manages to look unfazed.
"I'm good."
She smiles and her heartshaped lips tugs at his subconscious. Then she turns towards his girlfriend.
"Nice to meet you again Lindsey. I've heard a lot about you."
Her voice is sweet and calm and it feels weird to hear her address Lindsey in this easy and polite way. But he has to give her that above all, Brooke has always had elegance. Poise. And she wouldn't treat Lindsey badly unless it was really called for. Yet he just wants to grab his girlfriend and head back out the way they came. Run for cover.
Sadly he doesn't have the time. He can only watch as Lindsey hesitantly sits down on the seat that Nathan has vacated before his brother starts pulling him back towards the bar, throwing out the comment "Brother bonding-time…" with a huge smile.
Lindsey reaches up to place a peck on his lips and before he even realizes what he's doing he turns his head and her lips meets his jaw.
In the corner of his eye he sees Haley smile empathically towards his girlfriend who in turn mumbles; "that was nice..." in a sad yet somewhat sarcastic voice.
This is when he should stay. Say sorry and kiss her senseless. But Nathan is already dragging him away.
He's going to kill Nathan when he gets a chance.
-
Brooke smiles so hard that her cheeks ache and still she knows that she's bordering on not pulling off her fake act. She's had months and months of training, pretending to love her life in front of cameras and fans, but sitting here with Lucas' little hillbilly girlfriend is more than she can handle.
Lindsey seems to feel awkward as well but she is at least comfortable with Haley and Peyton. And as she listens to the three girls talk, Brooke realizes that she's missed a lot by staying away from Tree Hill this long.
Lindsey seems updated on everything concerning James, Nathan's basketball-career, Karen and Lily, even about Peyton's life, and she just feels as though the world has turned during the last eighteen months, making herself slip in between.
She just wants to leave. Go back to the hotel, pack up her things, and fly back to her life in New York where she can at least hide behind her work.
She wasn't happy there, but pretending here, in Tree Hill, is even worse. Because this is where she's supposed to be able to be herself.
"Tigger" Haley says smiling, "I forgot to ask you. How are things going with Tony?"
The already forced smile falls a little more. Tony. She hasn't even though about him.
"He's not in the picture anymore…" she mumbles. "We uhm… broke up."
If it's even possible to break up a pretend-relationship? Especially without even telling him herself.
She needs to think of a way to make this more bearable and to seem less distraught, so she looks around. Scanning the crowd, her eyes fall on one of the bartenders. A dark-haired guy in his late twenties who looks edgier then the rest of the teenage boys in the club.
"Tony wasn't my type" she says and turns back to Haley, Peyton and the new girl in Lucas' life. "But that guy is. I can totally see myself sleeping with him."
Her smile grows wider, especially when Lindsey looks a little shocked, and she knows it's childish but it feels good to provoke the blonde.
"I bet he's great in bed…"
Haley laughs and Peyton rolls her eyes, both of them clearly thinking that she's joking. And suddenly she's not. Suddenly it feels hell of a lot more tempting to randomly flirt than to sit here where the tension can be cut with a butter-knife.
"I'm gonna go introduce myself" she says and pulls her eyebrow up to create her signature quirk. "You girls have fun without me."
Then she moves towards the bar.
What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?
-
Nathan keeps talking and talking about things that honestly don't interest him. And he starts to think that this is just his brother's way of keeping him out of the way. Brooke and Lindsey could be killing each other right now and all Nathan wants is to recite the entire NBA's score-statistics…
"We should head back" he says and nervously picks at an olive. "I bet the girls wonder where we went."
"Chill Luke. They'll be fine. It's good for Lindsey to get to know Brooke. That way we might all be able to hang out like normal people in time for James' birthday."
He huffs.
"It's a month away Nate. We're not kids. Of course we'll behave if Brooke comes to the party, but she'll probably be back in New York by then. Doesn't she have a business to run?"
The irritation seeps through his voice even though he tries not to let it, and Nathan smirks.
"Well yeah, but she's said that she'll come back. She's promised Jamie."
His brother gulps down on his beer and then he points at something a couple of feet from them at the bar.
"…and Luke, if you're worried that your ex and current are ripping each others throats as we speak, then don't be. Brooke is over there."
He looks over, somewhat against his will, and sees the brunette leant over the counter smiling widely at a guy working in the bar. And it takes him a full three seconds to figure out that she's flirting. It's not hard, he's been at the receiving end of Brooke Davis in flirt-mode, and he knows exactly why the guy is smiling like an idiot.
"Great" he mutters just as Lindsey sneaks an arm around his waist from the other side and he jumps a little.
"Oh, hi Linds…"
Nathan still wears the same unreadable expression, and as Lucas leans down and places a kiss on Lindsey's head he hears the sound of Brooke's laughter. He stiffens a little and Lindsey looks in the same direction he is looking. At Brooke.
She sighs.
"I just came over to tell you that I'm heading home" she says, and he quickly blocks out Brooke in favour of his girlfriend.
"Why? We haven't even been here an hour."
Brooke laughs again and he throws a glance in that direction. She playing with the guy's shirt-collar and from where he stands it looks like she's biting her lower lip.
"I'm going home because you're not being yourself Lucas. Ever since Brooke came back you've been acting different…"
He snaps back, just in time to see Lindsey shake her head tiredly and mumble "and frankly it's freaking me out a bit."
He sighs and tries really hard to stay mature and calm.
"You're the one acting crazy right now Linds, and you know it. I've seen Brooke twice since she came back and you go and say I'm acting different? Don't you think you're overreacting a bit? I used to date Brooke and I can't help but worry when she's drunk and flirts with some sleezeball…"
He looks at Nathan for support but Nathan doesn't even seem to listen. He's on the phone again, for the fifteenth time this night, probably trying to get out of some team-related event.
Lindsey hoists her purse up on her shoulder and frowns.
"I know that you used to date Brooke. How could I ever forget it after have taken one look at her. But this is about you acting like a totally different person Lucas. And about me wanting to go home. Now… are you coming or staying?"
This is when he should say 'of course I'm going with you' but when he opens his mouth, something totally different comes out. And this time there's no Nathan pulling his arm.
"I'm staying. And for the record Lindsey; You're wrong about this."
She shrugs. "Maybe. Come over when you've finished being a big brother to your ex."
And then she leaves.
-
Lindsey is gone when Brooke returns to the table and she spends a while talking to Peyton and Haley. But the guilt keeps eating at her and she can't stop thinking that she has been the one to drive Lindsey away. The girl hadn't done anything towards her. It isn't like she has stolen Lucas, since Lucas had never really been hers to begin with, and the blonde girl probably feels just as awkward about this as herself.
Lucas loves Lindsey and it's time she faces it.
So finally she asks Haley, who informs her that Lindsey had gone to find Lucas, and she gets up from her seat again and sighs.
"This is ridiculous…" she mumbles. "We can't even sit together because of me. I'm gonna go get them."
Haley smiles proudly and nods.
"I think that's great Brooke. See if you can find Nathan too. I want him to call home and check on James."
"Sure."
She walks off and it takes her less then five minutes to find the two brothers. Nathan and Lucas are standing at the far end of the bar and she turns and pretends to have forgotten something. Lindsey seems to have left but she still steers clear, since she has already changed her mind. She can't talk to him again. The mere minutes they spent together so far has already done too much damage and just the sight of him makes her legs weak. Instead she heads for the ladies room, and once she's in there, locked into one of the stalls, she sits on the toilet and leans her head into her hands.
In here she doesn't have to see him look at her all coldly. In here there is no perfect Lindsey and no Haley that is so obviously doing her best to get her and Lucas to make nice and be friends. And in here she can calm down enough to get through the rest of this night.
At least in here she's safe.
-
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
"She hates me."
It's not until Lucas sees Nathans confused expression that he realizes he has said the words out loud.
"Who? Lindsey?"
"No. Brooke. She just took a detour so that she wouldn't have to face me…"
Nathan laughs and orders a new beer with a nod towards the bartender.
"Come on man, she doesn't hate you. She just…" He chuckles a little. "She just doesn't like you very much. But look at it from the bright side. My wife won't talk to me because I don't want her to call the babysitter. I'd say that's worse."
Wives… ex-girlfriends… ex-wives…
Lost in thought he takes a sip from his juice. What if he had proposed to Brooke eighteen months ago instead of to Peyton. Would they have been married now? Would they have had kids? Would Brooke have at least talked to him?
"Did I tell you that Brooke and I were sort of married for a night?" he mumbles and scans the crowd to spot the brunette. At least she wasn't crawling all over that bartender anymore.
Nathan chokes on his beer and coughs.
"What? When?!" His brother seems to try and grasp what he means. "You married Brooke? And then what? You guys got it annulled?"
He shakes his head absentmindedly. Not really wishing that he had married Brooke, but playing with the idea.
"No, it was just a joke. The night after I proposed to Peyton, remember? I showed Brooke the ring and it kind of took off from there…"
He smiles sadly at the memory, wondering how he was able to think about this all of a sudden when he has done nothing but tried to forget it for the last year and a half. And then Nathan chokes again.
"You do love her!"
Now he's the one looking surprised. "What?"
But his little brother looks completely bewildered. "I know that look man! You haven't had that look in like forever!" Nathan practically empties his beer in one go and then slams the bottle down on the counter.
"First you go all stiff when seeing her, then you pull some high school jealousy move and now you look like a sad puppy… Wait until I tell Haley this! She's gonna freak! Haley!!"
He shouts his wife's name out across the dancefloor and two seconds later Nathan has disappeared in the dancing crowd.
He stays for a while, rested against the counter, and actually chuckles. Nathan always went a little 'dumb' when drunk.
But for some reason his brother's little outburst makes him think that he should try to be a little less cold towards Brooke. For the others sake, he should try and make peace.
Not make friends. He can never be friends with Brooke, but he can at least try and create a functioning environment for all of them. Lindsey had clearly overreacted, he's not still harbouring romantic feelings towards Brooke and he's not behaving differently, but maybe he had felt a little jealous before.
And if he had, it's mostly because there is still so much unsolved between him and Brooke. So many questions. If they could talk as grown ups at some point, then maybe he could get some answers.
As a matter of fact, he should try to go talk to her now.
Because he has to admit that seeing Brooke avoiding him like this stings.
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
-
It's been an hour and the club is packed. Haley is in deep conversation with her drunk husband and Peyton is backstage somewhere. So Brooke mingles. Walks in between the tables, scanning the crowd for familiar faces, effectively avoiding a certain blond boy.
And then she suddenly bumps into someone, and even without looking up she knows who it is. His scent is forever branded in her nostrils and she recognises the shirt.
"Sorry…" she mumbles and looks up into pools of blue.
"Uhm… hi…"
He seems to feel as awkward as she's feeling and she turns her eyes back towards her shoes and wishes she could just disappear through the floor.
"Hey…" he says in a soft way that forces her to look back up at his face. "You're avoiding me, right?"
She shakes her head and concentrates to keep her voice steady. And when the words come out, she realizes that it isn't as hard as she thought. Eighteen months of faking happiness has made her a skilful liar.
"Of course not, Lucas. Why would I?"
"Well, you've been in town for what, two weeks? And I have only seen you twice, both of which times was not on purpose."
He looks kind of like a little boy, and for a moment the coldness he's shown towards her, is gone. "Don't lie, Brooke" he almost begs. "I saw the detour you took a while ago. You're clearly avoiding me. Why?"
It's harder to lie this time and she looks down again. Then his hands come to tangle with her hair.
"Do you hate me?" he asks and twirls a lock of her hair around his finger.
"No."
"Then why Brooke? Why won't you tell me why you're avoiding me?"
"Because I don't know the answer to that question."
As if her fingers have a life of their own, she brushes them over his chest, feeling the twitch of his muscles beneath her searching caress. She hasn't touched him in so long and electric impulses surges through her veins.
"You don't know, or you're afraid to know?" he pushes.
He looks so serious, seems so focused, and she watches as the low lighting reflects the darker flecks of his blue eyes, making his irises even larger than usual.
She notices how he tries to keep his eyes from trailing down her deep v neckline, but fails every time she reaches for her glass, and in a weird way it's endearing. The hair on the back of her neck prickles as he looks straight at her, and when he squints as he considers his words, she wants nothing but to kiss him senseless. She wants to touch him, anywhere, everywhere. But she doesn't.
"Brooke." His voice is subtle, yet demanding. "Aren't you tired?"
"Tired of what?"
"Of being something you're obviously not. I've known you, remember? This new version, it's not you. The old Brooke wouldn't pretend this way. The old Brooke would just come out and say it."
And there it is again.
The twinge. The quick needle stab straight into her heart.
"Maybe I've just changed?" she says, feeling the words get stuck in her throat. "Or maybe you just don't know me."
The seriousness turns into disappointment and he sighs. And suddenly it's not a charged tension between them anymore, suddenly all she feels is this immense sadness.
"Just tell me when you decide to be honest…" he mumbles. "I've never stopped thinking about you... but I have a new life now. And as long as you're here we need to get this to work."
And then he leaves. Without saying good bye or giving her another look.
She stands dumbstruck for a long while after he has disappeared in the crowd. A strange pain tries to break free in her chest but she pushes it back, not ready to let it out just yet. So for distraction she turns towards the bar to get herself a new drink and she notices that the bartender from before is looking at her curiously.
"Old boyfriend?" he asks nonchalantly and slides her a new glass of Grey Goose.
"How is that any of your business?"
The guy smiles. A mix between a grin and a smirk. He is good looking, in a rugged way, but now he seems a little too cocky.
"I'm Owen" he says and extends a hand that she doesn't shake. "I think I failed to introduce myself before. Now, tell me the story and I'll let you drink your sorrows away for free."
"Well, talk to me again and I'll kick you in the balls."
She lifts an eyebrow as if challenging him and when he doesn't say anything more she smirks. Smug bartender asshole, and to think that she had actually called him 'sexy'. They were all the same.
Pulling up a 100 dollar-bill and slamming it on the bar, she grabs the glass.
"Owen, was it?" she says in an overly sweet way. "Believe me, I don't need your charity. Keep the change."
Then she leaves, and as usual, she can feel the guy's eyes following her as she walks away. She understands that he's a bit confused, she had after all practically offered him free passage to her bed earlier, but he annoys her.
There's just something in his eyes…
And it may take some time to
patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
-
The loud music is pumping out through the huge sound system and Peyton saunters over to the bar and leans against the counter while watching Brooke rule the dance floor. Her brunette friend is the description of sexy, moving her body expertly to the beat, and she watches in awe.
Brooke has always known how to bring the attention of others upon herself, but now, all grown up and all successful, she doesn't even have to try.
Peyton drinks the last of her beer and as she puts it down on the bar, that darkhaired bartender that Brooke had flirted with steps up behind her.
"You want a refill?" he asks and smiles at her, and she shrugs.
"Yeah sure, why not?"
A couple of seconds later he puts a new bottle of cold beer in front of her and leans his elbows on the counter.
"Your friend is really hot… but what's her deal?"
She turns towards him and she can see his gaze follow Brooke's every movement. Half as if he's undressing her with his eyes, just like every other male in the club, but also as if he's really curious.
"What do you mean?" she asks and brings the bottle up to her mouth. It's really nothing new for her to have guys ask her about Brooke, and quite frankly the subject bores her.
But Owen keeps looking at Brooke and lazily pulls a hand through his dark head of hair. And as the song switches into something a little slower he says;
"She came on to me pretty strong earlier. I mean you were there… I asked her why and she just kept pushing it…" He shrugs a little. "I just find it strange that a girl like her would ever have to come on to a guy… One would think that guys would be fighting for a chance to come on to her."
Peyton lets out a dry chuckle.
"Oh, believe me they do. But that's our little Brooke right there for you. She'll just hit on you until she gets what she wants, so you might as well give up now. If she wants to sleep with you she will. Just let her have her fun and she'll be on her merry way again…"
Now Owen finally averts his eyes from the dancing Brooke and instead she feels him watching her.
"I thought you we're friends?" he asks her and she gives him a confused nod.
"We are. I've known her since I was six years old."
"But you don't seem to like her very much" he states calmly. "I mean, she's so broken… and you don't seem to have even noticed that she spent half the night in the girls bathroom crying…"
Before she has a chance to answer him, or to even really melt what he said, he just shrugs and while muttering "Strange friendship…" he grabs her empty bottle and goes back to serving customers.
-
Another hour passes by and Peyton can't seem to stop thinking about what Owen told her. He must have been mistaking, she thinks, because she's been with Brooke pretty much ever since they got to the club and the usual big smile has been on her friend's face the entire evening.
Sure, there had been a while there, before the second round of shots, when Brooke had seemed a little spaced out. But she hadn't been sad, right?
She looks around and finds Brooke standing in a corner talking to some old high school friends and at first she's on her way to join them, but then she sees Owen in the corner of her eye. He's walking out through the backdoor and on a sudden impulse she follows him.
"Smoking-break?" she asks as she steps out into the cool night air and finds him sitting on the fire-stairs.
"Nah, I don't smoke. Nasty habbit…"
He looks at her as if he waits for her to say what she came to say, and she clears her throat, suddenly drawing a blank.
"Uhm… I'm just curious" she finally gets out. "What did you mean with that last thing you said earlier?"
"With what? About your friend being broken or about you not really liking her?"
He's good looking and she has no problem seeing why Brooke would flirt with the guy. His dark hair and brown eyes gives him a somewhat exotic look and he's tall and pretty well-built.
For a second she thinks about other guys that had caught Brooke's attention during their high school years. Nathan, Felix, Nick, Chase… all with a similar coloring. All but one.
"I meant both" she says and rubs the skin on her upper arms to rid of the goosebumps. "Why would you say that?"
He half-smiles, showing of white teeth, and shrugs.
"Because I just don't get why a friend would say the stuff you said to me. I was asking you about her person, not about her sexual preferences or how she behaves with guys."
She bites her lip and starts to say something but then changes her mind, realizing that the guy is right. Instead she looks down at her feet.
"Do you like her?" she finally asks. "Because if you do then go for it. Brooke's had a ruff year and a half, she could use a nice guy like you…"
He gets on his feet again and looks at her curiously.
"Funny… I thought she could really use a friend…"
And then he grabs the box of wine bottles and walks back inside.
--
And I may find in time that
you were always right
You're always right
Lucas leaves the club and his head is spinning. Not from alcohol, he hasn't had a drink in over a year. But because of a certain brunette and her ways of driving him crazy.
Even now, as he walks towards Lindsey's house after sitting down by the river for almost an hour, Brooke's sad green eyes haunt him. Follows his every step until he feels like banging his head into the nearest lamppost. He shouldn't have talked to her in the club, shouldn't have touched her. But she's pulling him in against his will, and now she won't get out of his mind.
By the time he reaches Lindsey's front door he's scared that if he thinks more about his ex, all the feelings he's hidden so deep in his brain will break loose. It's driving him crazy that Brooke won't say that she needs him and that she doesn't show any emotion. And not that he can protest. He'll probably never let himself realize that he needs her either. He has gotten accustomed to not needing anything lately and when thinking about it, he's pretty sure he made that decision when he sat in his car and watched Brooke drive out of his life eighteen months ago.
He's feeling strange. Almost like there's too little air to breath. And when Lindsey opens the door, she finds him standing there leant against the exterior wall with his eyes closed.
"Hey baby…" she says softly and he looks up, almost surprised to see her.
"Hey…"
He suddenly feels this urgent need to wash Brooke out of his head and he pulls Lindsey close and kisses her deeply. Clings to her as if she's a lifeline of sorts. She kisses him back and he pushes her into the hallway and on towards the bedroom.
"I guess you missed me" she mumbles smiling as he pulls her sweater over her head and feverishly starts touching her body. And he doesn't know how to answer other then to kiss her even deeper. He just needs to get the weird feeling to go away.
Moments later they're in bed, both of them naked, and he caresses her skin. And at first it's just as usual, but then thoughts keep breaking his concentration. Thoughts about how her skin has never really felt like soft peaches, or how her hips have always seemed a little too square and boyish. How her voice never comes out all raspy when she moans underneath him and how he never shivers when she says his name out loud when she comes.
Not like he used to do when Brooke said it…
And he soon realizes that he's going through one of those desperate waves again tonight, knowing that today had probably been the finale. The terrifying ever-approaching-lights-screaming end that he has ignored for the past year and a half. The one he and Brooke never had and the one that now seemed a little unworthy.
He buries his face in Lindsey's hair as her nails dig into his back and he thinks that from this angle he can easily pretend that she is Brooke. He guesses that it kind of defeats the purpose of trying to forget. But what can he do?
His thoughts stray so far that he has to close his eyes because he's afraid she'll see it in his eyes what he's thinking. In a way it's a stupid decision because as her hands and lips become more daring, he keeps fantasizing that she's someone else. It's not on purpose, nothing he does to be mean, but he keeps seeing Brooke's face. Brooke's body.
And when Lindsey huskily asks "What's the matter baby?" when straddling him, he wants to answer her that maybe this isn't such a good idea. But he's so far gone in a fantasy about another girl, a brunette currently sleeping just a few houses away, that he can't form the words. Instead, as she sinks down on top of him, he breathes out;
"Oh god, Brooke…"
Even before Lindsey freezes, he realizes his mistake. She stops moving and mechanically gets of him, wrapping herself in a robe before leaving the room.
He thinks about following her up and into the kitchen where he can hear her slamming some cupboard closed. But what the hell would he say? It's too late to say anything now, and as he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling he realizes that it's been too late for a while. There is no excuse for this and he knows that she'll never believe him if he says that it was a mistake, because they both know that it's not.
Instead he gets up too and puts his clothes back on. And when he walks out of the bedroom, he finds her sitting on the sofa, stiff as a board with tears running down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles and she looks away.
He knows that it would be unnecessary to point out that they're over. So he just leaves.
And he knows that he should have done it long ago.
What was it you wanted?
Could it be I'm haunted?
---
The club is still full of people and now that Haley has gone home, Brooke and Peyton has moved to sit at the bar. Peyton has just been to get them two new drinks and when she comes closer she slows down.
Brooke looks totally different now that she thinks that she's alone and no one is looking. And the sad and empty expression on the brunette's face sends a pang of guilt into the pit of Peyton's stomach. Had they really drifted so far apart that she could have missed this the entire evening?
She been angry at Brooke a lot of times over the last 18 months, mainly because of the way her former best friend had left things and because she so obviously had just cut all ties without any apparent reason. But with the history they share, she could never be angry enough not to care. And in this second, when she silently watches Brooke twirl her empty glass in her hand and just stare off into the distance as if she had the entire world on her shoulders, she cares a lot. Because honestly, she's never seen Brooke this way.
Suddenly high school seems more than just four years ago. Their old hoes over bros-pact not more then a childhood memory.
"Hey B. Davis…" she says softly to pull attention to herself, and Brooke jumps a little. And within seconds the façade is back up.
She puts the glass down in front of her friend and sits down beside her.
"You looked kind of sad there for a while, Brooke. What's going on with you?"
The brunette just laughs of course, dimples deep as always.
"What are you talking about P. Sawyer. I'm fine. I just thought about how much I really needed a refill of this and then you came. Straight up mind-reading if you ask me."
Brooke holds up her empty wineglass, smiling broadly, and Peyton nods. And she thinks that if it weren't for Owens comment earlier, she would probably just have thought that she'd imagined Brooke looking sad.
For the first time ever she wishes that Rachel was in Tree Hill. Because even she realizes that nowadays, Rachel is probably the only one that'll see through Brooke's flawless mask.
They pick the conversation back up but it's slow and forced and to Peyton, Brooke even seems relieved when Owen, who she a moment ago had called a 'cocky asshole' comes and disturbs them.
"I'm still waiting for you to kick me in the balls…" he says and winks to Brooke as he clears their glasses away, and Peyton looks at him with a questioning look on her face.
In the corner of her eye she sees that Brooke blushes for some reason. As if she's doing something she shouldn't do. And Peyton frowns. It's the first time she's ever seen Brooke look embarrassed when flirting.
"Don't mind him…" she mumbles but Peyton still looks at the guy, eyebrow raised as if to ask him 'what are you doing? I thought you said she needed a friend'.
"Wasn't that the same dude that you said you could see yourself sleep with?" she then asks to test the waters, and Brooke seems turn an even deeper shade of red.
"I was just playing… It's just that in New York, pretty much every guy that comes on to me does it because they want a minute in the limelight… but this guy seems to have no clue. I guess it just intrigues me a little…"
-
It's weird to hang out with Peyton after all this time and now that it's just the two of them left, Brooke becomes aware of how tense their relationship has become. It's hard to keep up the easy small-talk and she knows that the blonde girl, sitting beside her at the bar, just waits for the opportunity to bring up the past and the 18 months of almost total silence.
And if its one person, except for Lucas, that she really doesn't want to have that discussion with, it's Peyton Sawyer.
On top of this Peyton seems a little too interested in her conversation with the bartender and for reasons not even clear to herself she doesn't want Peyton knowing that she's actually thinking about flirting with him for real.
Anything to get Lucas out of her head.
Anything.
"Haley told me that the record-company is growing" she says to change the subject. "So does that mean that you've dropped your art totally?"
But Peyton seems to have finally gotten enough because she rolls her eyes in a not so subtle way and downs her shot of vodka.
"Seriously Brooke… just cut the pleasantries. Please? I've waited all night for you to come up with an at least half believable excuse for just cutting all ties like you did. But you just keep pretending like nothing happened. You're acting like we saw each other over coffee just the other week, and frankly it's just creeping me out."
Even if the words are pretty harsh, her old friend's voice is still soft. And in a way Peyton might have a point, but it still gets to her. The irritation fills her as she looks back at the blonde defiantly.
"Well, communication is a two way street. You could have called too."
"I did!"
Their voices are already rising, and people around them are turning their heads, but she doesn't care. In New York she always avoided drawing extra attention to herself, but now she's getting slightly drunk and the last days constant emotional rollercoaster is taking its toll.
"You called once Peyton! Once! It was two weeks after I had gotten released from the hospital and we talked for exactly five minutes. Don't pin this on me! You could have kept in contact too."
Peyton laughs dryly.
"Really? Well, I don't think you would have answered. It seems to me as you shut both me and Lucas out for no reason. He was devastated Brooke! Crushed! And you can't just pop up and pretend like it's all fine when we both know it's not. Not without explaining…"
They stare at each other in silence for minutes and then Brooke is the one backing down.
"I'm sorry for not calling, okay?" she almost whispers, and in the loud club it's probably hard for Peyton to hear her words. "I was in a really bad place… I just couldn't deal with it. And I just figured I should let you focus on him. I thought you two would get back together…"
"Well, we obviously never did. And there were several reasons for that…"
The blonde sighs and gets up from her chair.
"We should talk some other day Brooke. When we haven't been drinking and I've had more than four hours of sleep. It's starting to get very obvious to me that there are things, facts, that I don't know… You're sad Brooke and…"
She vigorously shakes her head.
"I already told you Peyt, I'm not sad…"
But for the first time in years Peyton actually seems to see right through her and the blonde smiles sadly and pins a stray lock of hair behind her ear.
"You are sad. In fact I think you know exactly why too, you just don't want to tell me, and that's fine… I just don't want us to become even more distant than we already are."
The already big lump of tears in her throat grows bigger.
Why does Peyton have to choose tonight of all nights to start being a friend? She has enough going on tonight as it is…
"Me neither…" she whispers, almost inaudibly over the loud music.
She hugs Peyton and it's awkward at first but as she melts into the hug she's also getting flooded by memories. "I've missed you Peyt…" she mumbles and the blonde nods towards her shoulder.
"I've missed you too Brooke."
She has missed Peyton over the last years. Immensely. But as she watches Peyton leave she realizes she misses Rachel even more.
-
Lucas walks the way back to his own house and for every step he can feel his built up walls crumbling. Everything in his life is fake. He's living a complete lie. And Brooke's sudden resurfacing is making him see this.
He wants to say that he was happy with Lindsey, but he knows he wasn't. He wants to honestly be able to say that he's over Brooke, but he can't.
And he hates her for this.
So when he passes the 24-hour open supermarket down on Mason Street where he and Brooke once got caught buying whipped cream and condoms, he goes in and buys a bottle of Whiskey. And once he gets home he sits down on the porch and unscrews the lid.
The first sip burns in his throat and chest and the second one leaves a bad taste in his mouth. But by the third sip he leans back and sighs.
And for the first time in over a year he allows himself to think back to when he left Brooke in New York. It kind of surprises him that the memories are still equally painful. That just thinking about her makes him want to go back to the club and slap some sense into her. Make her understand what she did that night when she just drove off.
But he can't.
Even though he wont be able to go back to Lindsey he'll never show Brooke how he feels. He'll never let her break him again the way she did.
He takes another big sip of the fluid and by now the bad taste is completely gone.
This is just a small setback, he thinks and closes his eyes. It's just one night and he decides to give himself that. One night with a bottle of whiskey and all his memories of a dimpled, brown-haired girl that never seemed to let go of his heart.
One night where he would allow himself to love the memory of her and what they had.
Then, from tomorrow on, he would just go back to hating her guts.
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had
-
Brooke's been sitting in the car for almost twenty minutes when she finally sees Owen the bartender come out of Tric. She's not sure why she's doing this. It just feels right to go back to her former self tonight. The way Lucas had looked at her showed her that he had truly moved on and she needs to somehow wash away the immense sense of despair that notion gives her.
So she had simply decided that she'd entertain herself with the bartender that's now locking the door and walking over the empty parking lot. He instantly sees her, since the light in the car's ceiling is turned on, and he has a puzzled yet amused look on his face.
She's made herself comfortable, put her feet up on the dashboard and rolled down the window, and as he reaches the car he leans down and looks in through the open square.
"I assume you're not going to be car jacking me" he says with one eyebrow raised. "Because this car's worth like six bucks. But I like it, so I'll fight you for it if I have to."
She smiles at his childish comment and turns to face him.
"I'm not interested in this old piece of crap. I just wanted to apologize for snapping at you before. I thought we could talk…"
As if contemplating this he looks at her for a second, and then he walks around the vehicle and opens the door, taking his place behind the steering-wheel. A smile plays at the corners of his mouth and he shakes his head as he answers; "Talk? Nah, we both know where that's gonna lead."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"We'll talk…" he says shrugging. "But pretty soon I'll make you laugh and you'll be just the right amount of smart ass to make me want to sleep with you, and then it's all downhill from there…"
She can't help but laugh at this. Again thinking that this guy somehow gets her curious. Looking him over once more and not covering her appreciative facial expression when watching his well built arm resting on the window frame, she asks;
"Downhill? Why?"
By now his smile has turned a little mischievous and the slight teasing tone in his voice gets more obvious.
"Here's the thing, Brooke. I sleep with you, you get obsessed, you start buying me shit, lose your job…"
She arches her eyebrow in her old flirtatious, yet disbelieving way and retorts; "I own my own company" which in turn makes him laugh.
"Yeah, about that. I prefer my women a little more screwed up…"
At this she rolls her eyes and sighs. "I'm screwed up. Believe me… I'm totally screwed up."
She's not sure what makes her do it, maybe it's the amount of truth in that last remark, but suddenly she finds herself gripping the hem of her t-shirt and pulling it over her head. She needs to make her answer less serious because his eyes shows her that he wants to know what screwed her up in the first place and with a self-assured smirk on her face she then tosses the piece of fabric in Owens lap. She's not wearing a bra and she smiles expectantly at him.
For a second he looks shocked, mouth a little open and eyes wide. But then he recollects himself and he forces his features back to the earlier nonchalant but charming smile.
"You're making a couple of good points" he says lazily. "But really, I should get home."
This is not what she has expected. She had thought this would be an easy lay, a quick way out of this evening and all the thoughts of the past. But maybe she should have seen this coming. This guy wasn't the ordinary type.
"You're so not turning down a naked me," she pouts self-assuredly. "Nobody turns down naked me."
He hands her the t-shirt back gently but she doesn't take it, and he keeps looking at her upper body.
"Look. We could do this" he says and his gaze travels from her collarbone down to her naked breasts. "But we can't undo it, you know? Besides, you don't need to apologize to me, you need to stick to your guns. Tell me to cut the crap or I'm gonna miss out on something special…"
His comment somehow annoys her. It makes her think of past times and carefully hidden memories of moments in another car. She had been naked then too, and another boy, nowadays banned from her thoughts, rejected her just as sweetly.
"What if I just want to sleep with you?" she mutters, still without doing anything to cover up, and he shrugs again. Although this time his smile also holds some mysterious concern.
"Well, that would be disappointing. I mean, considering how much more we could be…"
She watches his crooked smile, oddly charmed by his boyish half-sad expression. And then he continues; "I mean, I'll do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot. You look beautiful and I'd love to sleep with you. I'm just saying that you might want to think about it."
She huffs but deep down she understands where he's coming from. Yet she looks out the window and rolls her eyes, muttering; "What? You'd pity-fuck me? Gee, thanks…"
He shakes his head and laughs quietly, seemingly amused by her antics. It's weird how it's not even embarrassing to be turned down by him or to be naked in his presence, and she feels kind of comforted by his appreciative gaze.
"What happened?" he asks softly, and she stiffens a little as he reaches out and trails the big scar at the left side of her midsection. The first connection between his finger and her skin makes her shiver slightly.
"I was in a car accident about a year back. My spleen ruptured…"
His brown eyes grow worried as his fingers still lightly trace the pink lines.
"So they cut you open and took it out?"
"Yeah…"
It's chilly in the night air and by now she starts to feel a little uncomfortable. Not particularly for being naked, she's proud of her body, even with the proofs from the car-crash, but he's not looking at her sexually. And his soft touch isn't meant to arouse. He's trying to get her to open up.
"And this one?" he asks and trails the smaller scar further up.
"They took a piece of my ribcage to make a stint for my knee."
"That bad, huh? Was that the same accident where got your heart broken?"
He's looking into her eyes now and he says the last words meaningly but not in a mocking way. His voice isn't much more then a whisper and the softness in it again make her think of someone else. She doesn't answer his question but it feels as though he hasn't expected her to either. Instead she looks away because her walls are dangerously low tonight, and she's scared that he'll break through.
And even though she looks out the window now, she can still feel his searching gaze.
"Sounds like you're lucky to be alive."
The way in which she had removed her shirt moments ago suddenly feels weird and now that he's no longer touching her but instead intertwines his fingers with hers and holds her hand, she feels a little ashamed.
"Yeah, that depends on how you look at it…" she whispers.
She shivers again and when he offers her the t-shirt back for the second time she takes it. He lets go of her hand for a moment while she pulls it back over her head and she finds herself using the short seconds when the fabric is hiding her face to try and still the sudden trembling of her lower lip.
"Brooke…"
He pulls the shirt down all the way. Links her hand back with his. "Tell me what happened…"
And surprisingly she wants to tell him. Suddenly she just wants to be small and weak and fragile in a way she hasn't been for so long that she can hardly remember how it feels.She looks down at their linked fingers, stares at his bigger hand holding her smaller one, and she finally meets his brown eyes. Slowly he moves towards her so that their faces are just inches apart.
"I'm not gonna sleep with you Brooke" he breathes as he leans in and pulls her closer. "But I'll hold you if you want…"
And with his arms around her, and his lips against her hair whispering soothing nothings, she finally lets go and starts crying. It's not the Niagara-falls of tears that she's feared.
But as the grey skies become pink and the sun begins to rise, she feels as though it's a start.
-
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had…
--
Author's note: So what did you think? ;)
For those of you that used to read my story Gamble Everything For Love and that has given up on me ever updating it, I just want to say that I finally did, just a couple of days ago. And when receiving reviews for that one I realized even more how much my writing stems from your support. I'm telling you; It feels F-ing great to get reviews like the ones I get from you guys… I just wanted you to know…
Thank you's:
Daniel (FloatingDownARiver) – My love! You never stop spoiling me, you know that? And there's just something in the way you write those reviews or PM's to me that makes me smile so damn much. Like in a heart warming way… Do you know what I mean? Maybe it's because you're a boy, but you always seem to understand my Lucas so perfectly. Oh, but then you're also my perfect height! ;) Love you loads!
Ren (Laura369) – As I've already told you in my PM, I LOVED that review! It made my heart elevate. And now I'm just worried that I wont make the rest of the story justice in your eyes. LOL. I wonder what you thought of this chapter… I mean since you like Peyton… Did you think I painted her out wrong? And I have to tell you, even though I haven't had the time to answer your PM, I'm a huge talker myself :D Thank you again, and again, and again.
Emma (brucasnaleyjeyton) – I only have one thing to say to you: I LOVE YOU
Ellie (ellimo) – LOL and then there's my Ellie! Do you even know how happy I am that I have you on msn so that I can gush, not over my chapters, but over you! I know you love the angst, so now I'm wondering; how was this for you? ;) Tell me, tell me, tell me!! LOL
Jules (JULESM24) – You can say that however many times you want, my sweet, and I'll get equally happy every time. And of course you are so right too. Lucas' feelings are already starting to creep out in the open… But what'll happen now that Owen comes into the story, huh? LOL Thank you for supporting me in your beautiful way.
Iluvmedou – LMAO… I laughed so much when I read your review. I'm glad I got you so excited. Maybe with the BL-convo in this one you'll jump a little more? I actually think that you were the only one to mention that line from Rachel and I'm glad someone did. Because I have definitely not forgotten about my favorite redhead. Thanks!Bri (Tripnfallbri) - LOL, hun, who could ever deny that Brooke is hot stuff? Jokes aside, this review was just love! Your reviews are always so thought through. And I'll tell you right away, as long as you keep up the brilliant reviewing, I'll keep up the writing. :D
Shaz (Awhero) – And I'm so loving your reviews:D Of course Nathan is on team Brooke. I think deep inside he loves her as a sister.
Britt – And infinite love to you Britt! Never say sorry for writing long reviews, you know I love them. And don't worry about the baby-issue, of course it'll resurface at some point. I'm not saying how though ;) Chebelle – So I'm working on the Breyton here… and well Brucas… they're a little harder since Lucas continues to be an ass LOL. It's funny how most of us BL-ers keep taking Brooke side in all disputes. And Lindsey, I guess you feel even more sorry for her now. Thank you for the review :DMichaela (Mixs) Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie… what can I say other than that I love you. Thank you for being a supportive sister in all things that mean something to me. I'm glad to have you back in the neighborhood.
Artemis no himitsu – Finally someone who's mad at Brooke. LOL. I really liked you're angling of it all, and it made me think of some things I hadn't thought of. Thank you.Ebony (Jc4127) – It's okay hun, you are allowed to forever hate Peyton. I mean truthfully she was the one that broke up our beloved couple in the first place. At least we're rid of Lindsey for now. Thanks babe.
Allie (othfan326) – So Brooke might tell someone… but not the one you thought, right? ;) About the BP-friendship… after this chapter I guess it's a little clearer. I love your reviews.
Chey (jeytonbrucasnaley) – Can I just say that I love you? I don't even understand how you have the energy to review my fics since I keep bugging you 24/7. You rock!
Treehilldreams – You know what? I actually didn't think that the sextape was that stupid… but I guess I'm alone on that one. LOL I was only mad because Mark made Brooke look bad. BL will have it rough for a while, but I hope you'll stick with it. Thanks for the review.
Savannah – Lucas might not find out the way you think… I'm glad I've got you all excited though LOL. And of course Luke forgot the exhibition in the wake of Brooke's return. ;)
Ariadnescurse– And I'm positively thrilled to see that you're still reading this. I love your reviews
Mina (missdenmark) Hunnie, our favorite boy is living in the land of denial… I don't think I've ever given you reason to doubt my BL-ness, right? Maybe he's just scared? ;)
Janie – I totally agree that BL needs to realize stuff on their own. Part of their problem has always been outside pressure coughpeytoncough thanks for the sweet review
Vicky (lucas4brooke4ever) – I'm a BN-friendship lover as well, that's why I started writing GEFL. I won't promise you that they'll have that strong of a bond here, but he's doing the best he can to help out. Thank you sweetie.
Ali (finallyPJ) – is this soon enough for you sweetie? I had to squeeze out GEFL in between.
Treenuh – LOL, believe me, it broke my heart to write that sentence. It felt as though I went against my BL-beliefs.
Brucas2006 – Rachel might throw a fit. LOL And with Peyton? I guess she didn't act quite the way you thought, right?
Trish (OTHbrucasforever) – About the friends THEN lovers-part… I guess it doesn't look that good right now. But in the land of BL, things can change quickly. ;)
Whitney (Whiters) – I'm glad you understand why he acts the way he does, but I totally agree that his wishes of erasing Brooke is somewhat delusional. Don't worry though, NH loves Brooke way too much to do that.
Chelseabrucaschopia4evr)– thanks for the review hun. LOL, I was always mad at Nathan myself for interrupting them, and then I realized that I was the one who wrote the scene… :S
Erika x3 – I promise you that you'll hear the end of that discussion. And Lucas is hurt and doesn't want to be reminded of the past. I agree he's being somewhat of an ass though LOL.
Svblfb4life - thank you for understanding that it takes time to heal. And thank you for the review. :D
Flipflogal Bella Nina Brucas333 Daisygirl24 TheCuteNikki Princetongirl Sbf Jess
(QuieraStrawberry9), Brucas224 BRUCAS123 dancefever0234 LiZ457… - Thank you all for taking the time to press the button :D