Sam sat in a chair next to Nathan's bed. Well, recliner. There was a fucking recliner in Nathan's room, which seemed more like a hotel room than a hospital. A recliner for visitors and several more comfortable-looking chairs; cable TV, a phone, even connection to the internet. There was a private bathroom, too, with a tub. The walls were a pale green instead of institutional beige and everything had a strange feeling of comfort.
It made it worse, somehow. At least when hospital rooms were sterile and vaguely unwelcoming, it wasn't so jarring to see someone lying in bed hooked up to life saving machines.
Nathan's still, pale body, was almost obscene. Not just because of the homey atmosphere, but because… because Nathan was motion. He was energy and movement. He grinned and danced around, fingers snapping or stroking Sam's arm or Rachel's hair. He vibrated with energy. With life.
Just like Jessica had.
And now, he was just laying there, bandage wrapped around his head, covering his eyes. Well, where his eyes used to be. His eye sockets.
Christ. His eyes had been so damaged, they'd had to be removed. Sam had no idea what was behind those bandages right now; he knew that Chris had told him yesterday, but Sam just couldn't seem to hang on to information right now. He just kept replaying what had happened.
Nathan had gone outside. Sam and Dean had been talking. Then Nathan had just started screaming. Piercing, pain-filled screams that had Sam off the bed and out the door before he really understood what was going on.
He hadn't been able to process what it was he was seeing. Smoke and blood had been coming out of his eyes and he'd been rolling on the ground by the car, screaming. He'd flinched from Sam's touch, so out of it with pain and fear, he hadn't known him.
People had come out of their motel rooms, but no one knew what to do. All Sam could do was pull Nathan's head into his lap, stroke his hair, and try to calm him down. Everyone else stood around them, waiting for an ambulance. Sam still didn't know who'd called 911.
The only thing he remembered clearly after that was the moment he tried to get into the ambulance with them.
"Whoa," one of the paramedics had said, putting his hand on Sam's shoulder. "You can't come with us."
"What? I have to. That's my boyfriend." The words had just slipped out. He hadn't even thought about it. He couldn't think.
The paramedic made a face. "Yeah, well. Sorry, kid. You're not going with us. Family only." Then he climbed into the ambulance, and they'd taken off.
Nathan shifted. His face scrunched, and he let out a soft moan. "Mom?"
Sam sat forward. "No. It's me."
"Sam?" He turned his face toward Sam.
A lump rose to Sam's throat. He swallowed it back. "Yeah. Your mom went back to the hotel to pick up your dad. And Rachel and Dean. She'll be back."
Nathan licked his lips. Wrinkled his nose. "Can I have some water?"
"Yeah." Sam got up. There was a pitcher and cup on the table at the end of the bed. He poured some. "Here."
He tilted his head, the corner of his mouth raising slightly. There was a flush on his cheeks. "I, uh. Can you put it in my hands?"
Sam's cheeks warmed, too. He moved closer to Nathan. Sat on the bed and put the cup into his hands. Then he helped guide it to Nathan's mouth.
"Thanks."
"No problem." He set the cup down. "How do you feel?" Sam couldn't help it. He reached out and brushed Nathan's hair off his forehead. Off the bandages.
"Fuzzy," Nathan answered after a moment.
"They've got you on something. To keep you calm."
Nathan nodded. Lay back on the bed. "Yeah, the doctor said yesterday." He reached up and touched the edge of the bandage. "They ache. I mean, I know it's the muscles or whatever, not my eyes, but they hurt."
"Do you want me to call a nurse?"
He shook his head.
Sam's finger twitched. He clenched his hands to stop himself from reaching out and taking Nathan's hands. Clenched them until his nails started digging painfully into his skin. But he kept himself from reaching out. If he was going to go through with this, he had to be strong.
"Do you remember what happened?"
Nathan's brow furrowed above the bandage. "No. I've been trying, but I can't. The last thing I remember was crawling into your lap. And then waking up not being able to see." He reached out, hand flailing. He managed to find Sam's arm. Slid down to his hand. He didn't seem disturbed by the fact it was balled into a fist; he just covered it with his own and rubbed his thumb on Sam's wrist. "The doctor said it's normal for trauma patients to forget the moment of trauma. And, while I might remember, there's a chance I won't. But it's just… I don't think the demon wiped my memory or anything."
Sam lost the battle. He relaxed his hand. Turned it over in Nathan's. His hand was so much bigger than Nathan's, he was almost able to completely cover it. "I don't really care that it might not have wiped your memory. He blinded you."
"Yeah, I know." His mouth pressed into a thin line. Trembled.
"Shhh." Sam shifted so he was sitting next to Nathan. He looped an arm around him.
"I don't even know if I can cry." Nathan gasped, then took some deep breaths. When he spoke again, his voice was steadier. "I mean, I can cry. Just, you know; they just did surgery and I've got this stupid bandage around my eyes. I don't know if tears will come out."
Sam kissed him on his forehead. "I'm so sorry."
Nathan leaned against him. "Sam, it wasn't your fault."
He stayed quiet.
"It wasn't. You didn't do this. You didn't make the demon do it."
"If you hadn't been with me…"
"I'm with you because you're hanging out with my sister."
"Who's hurt because of me."
Nathan's forehead wrinkled, then he winced. "God, my face is sore." He moved closer to Sam and pressed his lips into the nearest body part, which happened to be Sam's shoulder. "You are not responsible for what the demon does. And, seriously, letting it win by allowing it to dictate your life may be cliché, but it's true. You can't not do things because you're afraid of reprisal."
"Except, it's not me it's reprising against. It's the people I…I care about." His throat tightened. He didn't love Nathan, wasn't in love with him, not by any stretch of the imagination. Everything was still too new, and Sam didn't wasn't even sure of his sexuality to go around declaring anything like that. But he did care about Nathan; he was family. "Not just you," he pressed on. "But Dean. Rachel." He swallowed. "Jess."
"Well, this is war."
"But if I'm the target, why is it hurting everyone but me?" Then he bit his lip, remembering. Remembering how Rachel had hypothesized that the demon was trying to get Sam to use his powers by hurting Dean. But making Sam have romantic thoughts about Rachel. Maybe by killing Jess.
He let go of Nathan and slid off the bed.
Nathan sat up. "Sam, don't be stupid. You're allowed to care for people."
"I don't want you to end up pinned to the ceiling burning to death."
"I think it would have killed me if that's what it wanted. Damn thing took my life anyway." His voice was bitter, face turning to a thundercloud.
Pressure built behind Sam's eyes. His throat ached. "Nate…"
Behind him, the door opened and nurse came in. "Good morning, Nathan. I'm Sharon, the floor nurse. I need to check your vitals. Um… if your guest could just step outside."
"Sam, wait. Don't leave."
"I'll be just outside."
"Sam…"
"I'll be back when she's done. I promise." He fled before Nathan could say anything else.
Sam leaned against the wall and tried to catch his breath. His heart was pounding because, dammit, what was it going to take for this to stop? He tried to leave; Dean hadn't let him. He tried to figure out his powers, which now Dean said was definitely a very bad idea. He'd tried not getting involved with anyone but, hey, Sam was human and Nathan had been very willing.
He closed his eyes. Banged the back of his head against the wall. "What the hell do you want from me?" he asked.
His phone rang.
"Hello?" Sam answered without opening his eyes. He half-hoped it was the demon with his list of demands.
"Hey, Sam, it's Ash. Did, uh, did Jo meet up with you and Nathan?"
"What?"
"Jo. She said she was going to go out to Philadelphia and do that hunt. She set it all up, is having me run interference with Ellen. But she didn't check in and Ellen's starting to get suspicious."
"Did you call her?"
"She's not answering her phone."
Well, that was just great. "Nathan and I didn't make it. The demon got us." He explained what happened, headache building with each word.
Ash was silent for a long moment. Then, he summed it all up elegantly with, "Well, shit, man."
"Yeah." Sam opened his eyes. "Okay, I'll talk to Dean and figure out what to do. We'll call you back. Try and hold Ellen off for another hour or so. And keep trying Jo. And find out where her cell phone is. That might help."
"Ten fore, Winchester. Tell Nathan… Tell Nathan I owe him a beer to ten."
"Yeah, okay." He hung up on Nathan and started to dial Dean when Sharon the nurse appeared.
"You can go back in," she said. "I just gave him another dose of Versed, so he's probably not going to be a very good conversationalist. Just…try not to upset him, okay?" She gave him a look that made Sam feel about two feet tall.
"Um, okay." He waited until she'd gone into the room of her next patient, then went back into Nathan's room.
Nathan was sitting up, head lolling on the raised back of the bed. He was flicking through the channels on the television so fast the image hardly had time to come on, let alone the sound.
"Hey." Sam sat on the bed again.
"Hey. If you're going to break up with me, you should probably leave a note or something." He wrinkled his nose. "Or tell my parents."
"I don't know what I want to do," Sam said honestly. "I mean, in the long run, it'd probably be better if we went our separate ways."
"Better for me?"
"For both of us. And, yeah. For you." He took Nathan's hand. "I just want you safe. All of you safe."
"It's too late for that."
He sighed. Nodded. "Yeah, I know." He squeezed Nathan's hand. "So, Jo's missing. She went to Philadelphia to work the serial killer ghost."
Nathan frowned. "Wasn't it taking young blondes?"
"Yeah."
"Crap."
The door opened. "What's this about Jo missing?" Dean asked.
"Hey, Dean. Rachel, you there?" Nathan said.
"I'm here. How are you?"
"Drugged."
Rachel came to his side and kissed him on the forehead. Then she sat and looked at Sam. "Ash texted me. He said he talked to you?"
"Yeah." Sam tilted his head. "Is that a baby bump?"
She blushed deep red and tugged at her shirt self-consciously. "I need to go shopping."
Nathan reached for her, his hand brushing over her shoulder and then breast before she grabbed it and placed it on her stomach. "It's just bigger than it was. Not, like, kicking or anything." She glanced at Dean. "You going to go get Jo?"
He tilted his head. "You okay with staying?"
She nodded. "The doctor said Nathan will be well enough to go home tomorrow. You two could get her and then meet up with us in New Haven."
Dean glanced at Sam. "You okay with that?"
"Uh…" He looked at Nathan, uncertain.
Nathan waved his free hand. "Go. It'll stop us from having the inevitable, 'It's not you, it's me,' conversation until I'm not as drugged, and it'll stop me from worrying about my sister's future girlfriend."
"Hey!" Dean protested.
"Excuse me. Wanna-be girlfriend. Whatever. Anyway, you got people to save, and I've got enucleation surgery to recover from."
Sam looked at Dean, then nodded. "So, we'll met you in New Haven."
"Sounds like a plan." Rachel got up. Went to Dean and pushed him across the room. Into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
"Did they just leave?" Nathan asked.
"Saying goodbye."
"Ah." He licked his lips. "Are we going to say goodbye?"
Sam's heart gave a funny lurch. He moved next to Nathan. Slid his hand behind Nathan's neck and tugged him closer.
Their lips met. Once. Again, deeper. Sam caressed Nathan's lower lip with his tongue, then pressed inside when Nathan opened for him.
They were breathing heavily when they broke apart. Sam rested his forehead against Nathan's and closed his eyes. "Goodbye."