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Daniel tumbled deeply into a morass of dreams and memories. Vaguely he remembered that Shifu had once told him that dreams teach but the rest of the conversation floated away to be replaced by other disjointed dreams and jumbled memories.
He remembered coming back after his first ascension on Vis Uban. A man with no past. No memories. Nothing. He remembered how lost he had felt – how afraid. He had felt like a walking question mark and it had taken months before he could stand the touch of another person without jumping or feeling like they might be about to hurt him.
Of course it had led to speculation amongst the people who had taken him in on Vis Uban. Those sympathetic to him thought he might have escaped from some terrible masters – that he might even have been forced to be a body slave or some such to make him so fearful of being touched. The unsympathetic ones – the ones who had named him Aroum, 'the naked one' had said it was more likely that he was an escaped prisoner, used to beatings and wary of them and that he had somehow deliberately appeared naked and without memory so that there would be no way to identify him. His dreams back then had been terrifying. He'd wake up shaking and wet with his own sweat and always wondering which of the villagers were right about him. He'd been determined to make a new life for himself amongst the villagers, one that was good and peaceful and involved nothing of nightmares.
Then one of the SGC teams had found him and he had been afraid of losing that tentative hold on his newly formed identity. Afraid to go back to being a walking question mark without history or meaning to his existence. It had been Jack and Sam's gentle urging that had drawn him toward another identity – one that Sam had said he would be proud to know.
The dream drifted a little and Daniel was walking through Jack's front door ahead of Jack and Sam and Teal'c carrying the bread rolls for the barbeque that Jack was getting ready to hold for him.
"Teal'c got the 'welcome back' sign from Siler and insisted on hanging it up last night," said Jack. "You're gonna love the decorations he put up everywhere and just so you know, Daniel, we've had the memorial thing for you a couple of times already and I'd appreciate it if we didn't have it ever again."
Daniel turned on that last word hearing a faint crack in Jack's voice. And that one small change in
Jack's voice spoke volumes to Daniel about the pain of loss that Jack had gone through. Sam stepped through the door behind him and the half smile on her face turned instantly into a haunted half grimace.
"I shall endeavour to be more vigilant in protecting your back, Daniel Jackson," added Teal'c with quiet determination and the look he gave would have scared any would be attacker to the other side of the known universe.
Jack was nodding his head and shared a meaningful glance with Sam and Teal'c – a glance that said without words that they would work together to keep Daniel safe from harm. It was a pact that they made together in total silence with that one intense shared glance and the strong feelings they radiated and it was at that moment that Daniel felt like he really belonged with this team – this 'SG-1' that he had read mission reports about but didn't remember being a part of. This team that cared for him so fiercely. It was at that moment that he fully abandoned the identity that he had spent months developing on Vis Uban. "I'm … I'm sorry," he had murmured to them all and there was a short moment where the pain that these people had shared poured out like a tsunami wave before Jack started calling out directions for setting up the food.
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He stood before a facsimilie of a day carved into his mind as solidly as the cover stone being lifted into the air. It was impossible, but still, it was there. And he knew what was coming. He remembered the exact moment the stone had reached the position where the chain had snapped. His heart pounded in his chest as once again he stood helpless before the scenario and heard the screams and the sound of rocks tumbling and he felt the pain once again. All encompassing, shocking pain and disbelief. Loss so vast it was unequalled by anything.
Sam touched his arm. "Daniel, it's not real," she said and there was pain and horror in her eyes for him and this horrific memory of his.
Daniel wanted to shake off her hand and tell her that it was real. It had been real and it would always be real for him but her hand on his arm was so gentle and caring and he wished that she had been there for him when it had actually happened.
He twisted a little on the sheets shaking the familiar nightmare away. He murmured incoherently and drifted into another dream …
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Christmas was over and Daniel wished it wasn't. They all sat together in Jack's lounge room and sipped at eggnog together by the colourful lights of Jack's Christmas tree and the warm crackling heat of the fireplace. Outside the snow continued to fall in white swirls over already heavily laden tree branches and Daniel couldn't help but think how perfect the day had been.
Sam leaned her head against his shoulder and yawned. "I'm not looking forward to stepping out into that snow."
Jack shook his head. "I doubt if you'd get more than fifty meters anyway, Carter. You can have the spare bedroom if you like. I made up the bed as soon as I heard the forecast."
Daniel leaned back against the sofa and wrapped an arm comfortably around Sam's shoulders. "You know, I can't remember when I last enjoyed a Christmas as much as this one."
Teal'c had given one of his warm rare smiles, simply showing his delight at Daniel's pleasure.
Sam had put her hand into his and given it a gentle squeeze.
Jack had smiled at him. "We aim to please," he had said – typically snarky, but the smile had been sincere and happy. He settled back and gazed with satisfaction at Daniel's framed team picture that he had leaned against the wall over the fireplace. "I think it would look great right there," he murmured.
Daniel smiled, knowing that by giving the drawing pride of place on the wall that Jack really did like it.
They had stayed there until the early hours of the morning, talking quietly and laughing together and all too comfortable and enjoying each others company too much to go to bed. It was the perfect Christmas and Daniel thought he had gotten his wish after all because Christmas had lasted into the next day.
Daniel shifted again on the sheets and opened his eyes.
A shaved head appeared above him and smiled down at him. "Greetings, my Mothers husband."
Daniel blinked at him feeling the headache building behind his eyes. "Shifu?"
Shifu stepped back from the infirmary bed and gazed around the darkened empty space that they were in. "The white wolf is not present for this time I have with you. But he will return before long."
Daniel sat up with difficulty. He looked out beyond his bed into the endless darkness. "Shouldn't there be … I don't know … walls or something? Even a floor?"
Shifu adjusted the brown monks habit that he wore. "This is within your mind, Daniel. It is a place that the White wolf has established so that he might communicate with you without the interference of the unascended. It is as unreal as the future."
Daniel sighed. "Shifu, I don't feel so good."
"You stand upon the crossroads of the great path. You may choose to live, to die, or to ascend."
"The white wolf. He's ascended too …"
Shifu bowed his head. "There are many lifeforms amongst the ascended. Not all follow the rules that the Others have established. Not all are beyond manipulation either."
Daniel raised an eyebrow at that and frowned. "The white wolf?"
"He wishes you to choose life amongst the wolves. He has revealed two possible futures that may or may not come to pass as all future events are as fluid as the waters in a river. But he has chosen the best scenario to show to you, if you were to choose the path he wishes you to follow and the worst scenario if you chose to remain with SG-1."
"I wish for Daniel to be happy," said the white wolf and Daniel turned his head to see the wolf prowling closer with his teeth bared. "I see in his mind his greatest desire and I know that we can fullfill that for him."
"I simply wish for my Mother's husband to choose wisely." Shifu bowed his head and a bright beam of light flashed at the end of Daniel's bed.
"Hello!" said a startled voice.
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