There are three people I need to thank for all their heLP on this chapter! Larry for your help and guidance in PTSD. Judy for your encouragement, and Teresa for the help in everything else with all my chapters. Then there are all you wonderful readers who review, favorite and alert my stuff. Thank you! Please take the time to read the A/N at the end.
When they wake up, it's nearly 8 in the evening, their stomachs grumble noisely and Castle suggests something light for dinner. She sits and watches him cook, marveling at the man before her. How wrong she had been at the beginning about him. It had all been an act, covering up his insecurities, while the real Castle lay hidden at home with his family.
They talk through dinner about the wedding, Alexis, school, and Martha's next play. Both relaying stories from recent Ryan and Espo escapades. After cleaning up, they watch mindless TV, before long they're both yawning and decide to head towards the bedroom. Kate decides she'd like to relax in a bath before bed.
She heads towards the bathroom, while Castle putters around in the bedroom, settling in to play his Monsters Inc Infinity game on Xbox while she bathes. "Think you may want to join me in a bath, Castle?" She asks as she bends to turn on the water in the incredibly large sunken bath tub he has.
Castle eagerly turns off the TV, puts away the game controller and sprints from the bed, and through the bathroom door. He nearly knocks her over as she stands transfixed watching the water pour from the fixture. The color has drained from her face.
"Kate?" Castle says quietly, not wanting to scare her.
The overwhelming fear is all encompassing, as she stands frozen in place. Kate wills herself to take a step toward the huge tub, but her feet don't respond, they don't move her any closer.
"Castle..." She whispers on a breath as she shakes uncontrollably.
Carefully stepping behind her his arms quickly engulf her. Her breathing is erratic and fast, he can feel the beating of her heart hammering in her chest against his back.
"Kate, focus on my voice. I'm here with you, and I'm not going to let anything happen to you. If you want we can take a shower." He shuts the water off on the almost filled tub.
He steps in front of her, keeping constant physical contact with her, as he tries to finish undressing her. She's just skimming the edges of a panic attack or worse. Her eyes wide as saucers, her skin pale and ashen, as she stares blankly at the filled tub. Slowly he removes her robe followed by her clothes.
She's fighting the darkness at the edges of her vision, a fiery anxiety that threatens to take over. Taking deep breaths she tries to calm herself.
Castle has stepped into the tub and is sitting at the edge with his feet hanging in. He extends a hand for her to join him on the side of the tub. She reaches down and sits legs extended forward not touching the water.
"Kate, you don't have to do this? You can shower, or take a sponge bath. Whatever it is you need." His voice washes over her, bringing her a small measure of calmness that she can grasp onto.
She dips her feet in the water. Images flash before her eyes of water surrounding her, burning as it's drawn involuntarily into her lungs. Large bulky hands holding her under as she tries to resists her body's natural instinct to breath. Panic rises like bitter bile throughout her body. She jumps back and back-crawls up against the cabinets on the opposite side of the room. Her mind no longer at the loft, but in the cold cellar fighting for her life against all that freezing water.
A heart wrenching sob escapes her as she draws her legs towards her chest, and begins to rock. He wraps her in a towel, to keep her warm. Encircling his arms around her he draws her against him. She doesn't resists or respond. Soothing words of love and encouragement spill from his lips, hoping to reach her. He's thankful she's not physically lashing out, but his heart breaks for her.
They sit like this until her breathing evens out and the exhaustion from the ordeal starts to overtake her. She doesn't even protest when he snakes his arms around her and carries her to their bed, half asleep.
"I'm so sorry, Castle." Her voice barely a whisper."This is why I fought you for so long. I'll always be broken, and you deserve so much more."
He sits at the edge of the bed, staring at the most beautiful, incredible, wonderful woman. His heart fills with her. In the middle of all this and she's thinking about him and what he deserves. He has exactly what he wants, what his heart has always yearned for, and didn't know it. And he's not letting go...
He spends the night with her back molded tightly against his body and his arms wrapping her in his warmth. Except for an occasional grumble she hardly moved. He had hardly closed his eyes as he laid waiting for her to need him. He didn't want her to have to do this alone, or feel guilty. So he watched silently over her, hoping that she'd be able to have a restful night.
He knows she will get through this. She's the strongest person he knows. She'll claw and scrape until she comes out a better stronger cop. His eyes slowly droop close and he manages a little sleep before she stirs, and he wakes up again.
When the warm rays of sunshine stretch past the curtains and brighten the room, she stirs awake. Her body's warm and nestled against his. His hands have found their way under her night shirt, and are splayed wide across her lean stomach. She's never felt more loved.
"Mmm Castle?" She says in a low sleep ladled voice. "I think it's probably time for us to get up." She turns in his arms to face him. She marvels at how youthful he looks when he's asleep and his hair is tossed and messy. She wipes the stray hairs off his forehead and traces the contours of his face. Her lips skim softly across his slightly parted lips, as his noses crunches up, desperately trying to cling to the last refuge of sleep.
"Kate, just a few more minutes," he mumbles as he tries to cuddle against her. That's when she notices the deep dark circles under his eyes. She wonders how much sleep he's gotten in the last week worrying about her.
She lets him settle back into the pillow and waits for his breath to even out, and his body relax. Once she's sure he's asleep, she slides out from his arms, slips on her robe and slippers and heads to his office.
It's 9:30 in the morning when she dials the number by heart.
"Hi, Cynthia. How are you? This is Kate Beckett. Yes, yes, I would. The sooner the better. Today at 3:15 should be fine. Just tell him it's flaring up again, and I can surely use his help. Thanks, same to you."
"Making an appointment with certain Klingon medical professional?" He says from the doorway. She gets up and wraps herself around him.
"You just like that he sounds like Michael Dorn you Trekkie geek!" She smiles into his neck, as she giggles and shakes her head.
"Castle, I can see what this is doing to you. You're not sleeping, you're anxious, you can't keep this up. I'm sorry about last night." She looks at him and sees how tired he is."Maybe after I talk to him, we can both go in together? Maybe he can help us through this." Her fingers find his hands and intertwine with his, as she walks him back to the bed. "I need to make a few phone calls. You rest and I'll come join you after I'm done." She kisses him lightly on the cheek, turns him and pats his bottom in the direction of the bed like a child."
She calls her father and catches up with him. He's excited that opening day for the Yankees is right around the corner. She tells him how she's doing, he's offers whatever she needs. Next call goes to Esposito. She has him gauge Gate's mood, because she needs to talk to her.
"It's all clear she's been in a great mood since your shadows been missing." He quips as they make small talk before they hang up.
She quickly makes a call to Captain Gates and makes an appointment around 4:45 to speak with her. She tells her that she's thinking of requesting some time off. Gates is accommodating and tells her they'll talk when she gets there.
Kate hangs up and returns to the bedroom. Castle's sprawled across the bed, snoring quietly and hugging her pillow against him. Sometimes that 9 year old on a sugar rush isn't a bad thing. She quietly rushes around getting ready for the on some comfortable but chic clothes, puts her hair up in a messy bun, and throws on some light makeup. Letting him get some more sleep, she strolls out to the kitchen to get something for her and Castle to eat.
Alexis is sitting at the table with juice and an bagel.
"Hey Alexis, what's up?"
"Nothing much, Dad still sleeping?" She asks as she nods in the direction of the room.
"Yeah, he hasn't been sleeping well. I know it's because of me, and I'm sorry, Alexis." She squeezes Alexis shoulder slightly as she goes to sit down. "I'm going to see Dr. Burke today, and I want your dad to come with me. Hopefully it will help both of us deal with this."
"He loves you Kate. My Dad will do anything for you. The only thing that would break him right now is if something happened to you, me or my grandmother, or you walked away. Please don't walk away, don't shut him out. I don't think any of us could do anything to help him if you did. Work it out, what you two have is worth it."
"Alexis, he's my one and done. I love him. I'm in this with both feet planted securely on the floor. He is everything I need and want. Until your Dad I wasn't living, I was a shell just getting through life. I'm not going to let anything happen to him.
Alexis finishes her breakfast and sets out to start her day. She hugs Kate goodbye before she slips out the door. Kate heads to the kitchen to grab fruit, bagel and coffee to take to Castle. she knows it's going to be a long day.
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