A/N: Okay, this may be one of my favorite things I've ever written. The mental imagery had me cracking up. This is a sequel of sorts to 'Proof of God', an earlier chapter. I suggest you reread it so you can get the full effect of this chapter. Hope you enjoy!
Warning: foul language contained within
Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha
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Payback is a bitch:
"I'll kill him. I'll kill him and then go back to the afterlife, drag his ass back to this world and then kill him again!"
"That isn't helping!" Miroku said angrily to his pissed off companion as his purple eyes desperately searched the hot spring bank.
Inuyasha whirled and pointed an accusing finger at the monk. "This is your fault! You couldn't leave things alone. I should kill you and Shippou!"
"Shut up and help me find our clothing!" Miroku snapped.
"God damn it, I should have known better than to not tell them it was your stupid idea," snarled Inuyasha as he thrashed around the hot spring. "Where the fuck is my hakama!"
"The same damn place my robes went!"
The two men struggled around the small water hole, looking for a sign or a hint of where their recalcitrant clothes had gone.
"How did Shippou get our stuff?" Inuyasha asked furiously as he peered into the bushes. "I'm a half-demon and you're a powerful monk! How could one stupid kit steal our god damned clothes without us knowing?"
Miroku shook his head, droplets of water flying off black strands of wet hair. "He's a kitsune. Any other demon wouldn't have been able to trick us but kitsune are the best of their kind."
Inuyasha nervously pushed his claws through his hair. "We can't stay in here forever," he mumbled. Growing frantic, he turned to Miroku again. "We have to get out soon! I know all this hot water is bad for us."
"It's not like we'll melt."
"We'll shrivel."
"Shrivel? Shrivel whe-oh for the love of the gods! We are not going to shrivel."
Inuyasha insisted, "I've heard it happens to some holy men when they go into a trance in water. And that's why it's so easy for them to ignore temptations of the flesh."
"Trances like that last a lot longer than we've been in here."
"I'd rather not take any chances."
"True, true," acknowledged Miroku reluctantly.
"Shippou!" Inuyasha roared. "Get your scrawny ass out here and I'll make your death almost painless!"
The monk rolled his eyes. "That was just a shining example of gentle persuasion. I should have written it down for future generations."
Inuyasha shot Miroku a rude hand gesture. "Keh."
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"They've been looking for over two hours now," Kagome said anxiously, "and they still haven't told us yet. How stubborn can they be?"
"Apparently, very stubborn," Sango sighed. "I'm getting impatient here."
"Where did Shippou go anyway?" the maternal Kagome wondered for the hundredth time. "If something tries to eat him now, there's simply no way that Inuyasha will help him."
The demon slayer shot Kagome an affronted look. "I'm here!"
"I know! But Inuyasha always helps Shippou. What if this trick ruined the dynamic of their relationship?"
"What dynamic? That they live to torment each other?"
Kagome sighed and rose to her feet. "Let's just force the next stage already. It's obvious they're not going to admit it to us."
Sango nodded and followed the modern girl to near the hot spring.
"Guys!" Kagome called out when they were just outside the rim of bushes around the spring. "What is taking so long? You're usually done in fifteen minutes."
"As if you two didn't know!" Inuyasha replied loudly, real anger in his voice. "What Miroku and Shippou did has nothing to do with me so give me back my clothing!"
Kagome winced. "He figured it out," she whispered to Sango.
"Fuck yes I figured it out!!" Inuyasha raged on the top of his lungs. "How fuckin' stupid do you think I am? Give me back my fuckin' clothing so I can get the fuck dressed and not become a fuckin' eunuch!"
Neither female understood how one thing related to the other but with the level of fury in the half demons voice, no questions were asked.
"Ladies, the joke is on us but now is the time to give us our things so we can continue the search for Naraku and the Jewel shards," Miroku said calmly. "Do we have time to waste with silly revenge?"
"Yes," muttered Sango as she recalled her humiliation from the other day.
"It had to be done. It was completely disrespectful what you did to Sango," Kagome reprimanded.
"I had nothing to do with it! Blame the monk and the brat."
"I'm cursed!" Miroku defended himself uselessly.
"Monk, shutting up would be smart right now!" Sango hissed.
"Yes o' loveliest flower, glorious cherry blossom of spring, my-"
Inuyasha slammed a fist into his friend's shoulder before he could get them into more trouble. "Where's my clothing?" he asked impatiently. "Give me my stuff."
There came some throat clearing and the sound of shuffling feet. "To be totally honest," Kagome began hesitantly, "Shippou was supposed to drop them off about two and a half hours ago. He hasn't shown up so…we don't have your clothing."
A horrified silence screamed from the hot springs.
"What?" Inuyasha asked tersely. "Tell me you're joking."
"We don't have your robes or hakama or anything," Sango admitted.
"We are so sorry!"
"Then find Shippou!" Miroku said tersely, beginning to get mad.
"We tried. He's nowhere to be seen."
"I have an idea though. Hold on and I'll be right back," Kagome said as she trotted back to their campgrounds.
Inuyasha growled and swung himself out of the hot spring, ignoring the horrified Miroku's pleas to cover himself. "What the hell am I supposed to wear? Leaves? Moss?"
"How about this?"
At Inuyasha's feet landed two white and green bundles of clothing. He took a wary step back. "Kagome," he called out. "Tell me these are not what I think they are."
"I have two extra sets for emergencies and this kind of qualifies…"
"What is it?" Miroku asked as he also emerged from the hot spring. As his head pounded with the sudden temperature change, he looked down at the clothes and squinted. "I could swear this looks like…"
"It is," Inuyasha said in a soft and horrified voice.
Miroku shook his head instantly. "No, no, no and no. As the gods above and spirits around us testify- no."
"We don't have your clothes and we have to find Shippou," Kagome argued.
"It's indecent what you wear! This wouldn't even cover my ass!"
"No."
Sango heaved a sigh. "We're so sorry for losing your clothes but we have to find Shippou. He's been missing for hours and this is an area infested with demons. Honestly, I'm a little worried…"
Unseen by the two girls, Miroku and Inuyasha exchanged helpless looks.
Each thought of bright green eyes and a mischievous smile. A lonely little boy who loved pranks and his friends.
"I say we let him get eaten," Inuyasha shrugged. "Better than wearing that."
"Don't make me say it!" Kagome yelled from behind the screening bushes. "Put on the uniforms and let's go find Shippou. Now."
Miroku sighed and reached for a skirt. "The sooner we find Shippou, the sooner we find our clothing."
"God damn it, the brat'll pay for this through his damn nose," Inuyasha hissed as he also grabbed a green and white sailor costume.
"This thing is tiny," grumbled the monk. "And I know I look terrible in this skirt…pleats do nothing for me."
Inuyasha closed his eyes in pain. "Shut up. Please shut up."
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"I can't do this."
"We have to. We cannot stand here and allow danger to come to one of our companions."
"Yes we can. I don't even like the little monster. To hell with him!"
"Inuyasha, let's just go."
"I cannot believe we're in these things…"
"I know," Miroku grimaced. "I feel naked."
"What is with the long sleeves but nothing on the bottom?" Inuyasha asked rhetorically as he tried to steel himself for leaving the protective covering of the shrubbery. "Did they run out of fabric?"
"Let's go Inuyasha. Stop stalling."
"I think we should wait."
"No," Miroku said impatiently. "We were dressed, or as dressed as you can be in this…outfit, over thirty minutes ago. It's time."
Nodding, Inuyasha took a breath, readjusted his sailor top and Tessuiga and exited with Miroku.
Snap!
A blinding flash of light shot at them and both warriors immediately reached for their weapons.
"Where is it?" Inuyasha shouted as he scanned the trees. A deep sniff revealed nothing amiss and the ramifications of that frightened him.
"I don't sense any evil auras!" Miroku replied as he stretched his spiritual powers to the limits. "Nothing at all!"
Sango giggled.
Both men straightened and tried to look as masculine as possible. Their deflation as they took in the fact that neither female was looking at them would have been amusing if someone had seen it.
"What are they doing?" Miroku asked the hanyou. "I have a bad feeling…very ominous."
Inuyasha shrugged mutely. "My ass is cold in this skirt," he mumbled. "And I feel like I'm showing myself to the world."
"I know," commiserated Miroku.
Snap!
"What the hell?" Miroku asked nervously. "Where is it coming from?"
"Get back behind the bushes!" Inuyasha called out as he saw the shape of a small silver box in Kagome's hand. Dragging his friend, Inuyasha rushed to save their remaining modesty and dignity as much as possible.
"Wha-? What's going on?"
The two girls giggled again and Inuyasha groaned in misery.
"Kagome," Sango said with a thrilled smile as she looked at the digital camera screen of Inuyasha and Miroku covering their privates as they fumed in sailor suits, "your era is a wonderful time."
Kagome chuckled evilly. "I know."
Miroku and Inuyasha huddled behind a bush and stared at each other in shocked horror.
"Were we just…tricked?" the houshi asked in horror.
"Yeah and I'm pissed!" growled Inuyasha in fury. "I look like a freak in this thing."
"You and I both," Miroku said bitterly. It was one thing to be tested by the gods but being tricked into the confining and embarrassing robe was too much.
"I'll rip that damn silvery thing to shreds!" Inuyasha threatened to the girls.
"Try. It takes about ten pictures a second. You'd never be able to break it enough," Kagome lied easily. What the hanyou knew about digital cameras could be balanced on the head of a pin and Kagome took full advantage. "Whenever you break it, two more emerge."
Trapped, the look the two boys sent each other plainly read, completely helpless in the presence of modern technology.
"We're going to go look for Shippou now," Sango called out gleefully. "You boys hide there and think about what you did! And remember, we can make copies of these portraits! You better behave or else!"
"I didn't do jackshit!" Inuyasha shouted as the two females sauntered off. "Nothing!"
He hung his head in misery. "This is a nightmare."
"It's not so bad," Miroku tried to be cheerful. "We can't sit or anything but standing isn't so hard."
"Every bug in the god damn world is going to be able to bite my balls now. They aren't covered and any bush or branch is going to hit me in my-"
"Shit!" cursed Miroku as he protectively cupped himself. "You're right!"
"Fuck yeah, I'm right," the hanyou snapped. "My dick is in danger!"
"Our dicks are in danger!"
"We've got to get our clothing back," Inuyasha said seriously.
"And then kill Shippou," Miroku snarled, his hands twisting his staff's pole as if it were the kits neck.
Inuyasha nodded murderously. "And get back those portraits that Kagome and Sango were holding and giggling about."
"Giggles like that are never to be trusted."
"Let's go. We've got a lot to do."
Resolutely the two men strode off into battle.
"This is so undignified," Miroku grumbled as he tried to stride and hold his skirt down at the same time.
Inuyasha cursed in agreement as his skirt blew up in the cold, cold wind.
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A/N: hehehe! Evil, no? I loved it. Hope you did too. Let me know what you thought!