Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Attempts to lure him into my van with ramen have failed. I'm trying the "help me find my lost kitty" tactic next.

Thank you for reviewing, reading, and for voting in the very important poll! Now, in chapter 10, Kakashi (as Iruka) tries 'acting' in the film. Meanwhile, Iruka struggles with his captors. And what captors they are!

Ch. 10

Gaara read the message plucked from the lizard's back and smiled. This was one distinct advantage to having Jiraiya working on the film at KazeMotion in Suna…Naruto came to meet up with his sensei here, and the gregarious blond was now less than a day away. And during some of the inevitable downtime, Naruto and Gaara would surely enjoy one another's company. They would feast, chat, hike, and compete in common games of skill, enjoying their somewhat unusual friendship.

Jiraiya himself had been a little under the weather, but he managed to get a sample scene put together to test out Iruka's acting chops.

Jiraiya did most of the indoor directing, the scenes where dialogue and inflection were more important. These were also the scenes where the most explicit and erotic things were featured.

This arrangement left Higaara free to exercise his directorial talent for bringing the sweeping feel of endless skies, lavish homelands, epic battles and massive armed forces into the equation. This movie was starting to feel like something different, something spectacular.

And, of course, so that Higaara didn't have to divide his attention during his most intimate acting moments.

The tired, sniffly screenwriter was highly skeptical that the schoolteacher would be able to make much of a showing in a serious adult scene, but people did surprise you sometimes.

Iruka/Kakashi stood a little slumped, bare from the waist up as specified, looking at his draft script and waiting. Of course, having received the paper under his door early this morning, Kakashi had given the sheet a quick shot with the sharingan eye and every word was already cemented into his memory. The sage was definitely taking it easy on Iruka acting-wise. Nothing very tough or horribly erotic.

When Jiraiya waved him forward to take his place, Irukashi moved with ease to the spot exactly as described in the script. He'd set the paper aside before stepping up.

"Eh?" Jiraiya raised an eyebrow. "Where's your script? You're not off-book already, are you?"

Off-book, off-book…nope, no idea what the hell he meant. "What do you mean, off-book?"

"It…it means your lines and directions are memorized. Are they? Already?"

Irukashi nodded. Jiraiya looked skeptical, dabbing his nose with a clean handkerchief.

The two women took their places.

"Do I just pretend I have the tray?" asked Irukashi, who caught himself and remembered to observe proper posture. Oops.

"For now. Take it from the first line, from where you approach. Action."

"Your requested indulgences, Highness." Irukashi offered the imaginary tray. The taller woman met his eye and he reacted with the described thinly veiled interest. "I've prepared your favorites, in the way you most desire."

The second woman stood and came up behind him, delivering her line sharply. "You have disappointed me one too many times, bastard. I see the way you look at her. Guards!"

"Wait! No, please! Please, don't let them touch me!" Irukashi gave his lines proper inflection with the clear look of startled guilt tinged with fear, but the expected firm hands that were to haul him away did not materialize.

"Cut! Not bad. Lets do that again so I can see how you look on film. You, ah, you'll need to get fitted for the costume. They're working it up right now, when we finish here I need you to get over to wardrobe."

After capturing that tiny bit of screen test, Jiraiya motioned the cameraman to keep rolling.

"Get over there against that rack, get your arms over your head like you're chained up. This is the flogging scene. You don't really have any lines here, but some nice noises would be in order. Lizzy?"

No one had to tell Lizzy twice. She had the prop cat-o'nine-tails out and was making practice lashing motions already. The lashing motion caused her scanty costume to gap open revealingly with every stroke. Inner Kakashi was way impressed!

He positioned himself and sent his mind to one time, back in the day; back before Iruka and meaningful relationships…back when an uber-hot young Asuma got a whip set for his twenty-first birthday…oh yeah, who needs acting school or inspiration when you have sweet blow for blow experience to rely on?

He faithfully reproduced part of that night from his crystal-clear memory. The writhing, the moaning, the arousal.

Simple, really.

After many minutes the phony flogging stopped.

Irukashi flexed his ample back muscles, stiffened a bit from holding his arms up while writhing, and twisted his sumptuous tan torso nonchalantly to pop his spine.

The two women, the cameraman and one wide-eyed seasoned patron of the pornographic arts stood in reverent silence.

"Was that all right?" Irukashi asked, shamelessly rubbing his scar to be unbearably cute. After all, if anyone knew what the chunin's cutest, sexiest, and most devastating mannerisms were, it was Kakashi. He had fallen victim to them long ago and never learned to defend himself against them adequately.

One of the women gave a ragged sigh.

Jiraiya cleared his throat. "Oh! Ah, cut! Yes, it was fine. Very…fine. I think you'll do very well, Iruka. "

Irukashi smiled shyly. The women looked at one another, then sidled forward and each took an arm.

"We'll show you where wardrobe is," the buxom blonde purred, tracing a finger on his blushing cheek. The lithe, exotic dark whip mistress suppressed a squeal at the adorable blush and tickled his chin. "Unless you'd like to make a detour on the way."

Jiraiya, remembering that Kakashi was still camping in the area and might take exception to any real pornographic activity regarding his significant other, took the high road.

"Sorry ladies, I need to speak with him. You both need to run on now and catch up with the rest of the crew." When the women left Iruka looked, not relieved, but…disappointed?

"Are you suicidal?" asked the wise sannin, startled by the slightly irritated look he was getting. "Iruka, remember Kakashi? Look, I know this whole thing is pretty surreal, but don't let yourself get carried away. If you start fooling around with these people it's still cheating. There's the movie - the script, the acting, the posing - and then there's real life. You and Kakashi seem very happy together. Don't screw that up over this. I have to admit I'm surprised; I never dreamed you'd fall in so easily."

Kakashi's thoughts refused to take a seat on the guilt trip the perv was trying to send him on.

I haven't done anything wrong, Kakashi thought indignantly. I have Iruka's permission to do this, I'm doing it for him. I'm just playing the game, that's all.

Although, that was kind of a fun near-miss. Did Jiraiya actually think he had to be cockblocking? He wasn't really going to…do much. It was just enjoyable, having such amazing sexy women come on to him like that. And he was just in Iruka's body. They'd be on him even harder if they saw his true form.

The sage sighed. "Come on, I want to see what wardrobe came up with." All the way here from Konoha, he'd worried a bit about keeping Kakashi's fingers out of the pie. But here it was Iruka who was jumping in face-first! Wait until Tsunade hears about this!

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Snuff film?" Iruka blinked in shock. "Snuff film?"

"No one told you? You didn't tell him?" Tim's eyebrow raised in mild curiosity.

"I thought you did." Tom shrugged.

"Oh, sorry. Well, it's a snuff film. I thought you knew when you volunteered."

"I didn't vol-…well I did, but I didn't know…but…does that mean..?" the chunin stammered with a sinking feeling.

"Yeah. Us snuff-ers. You snuff-ee."

"I don't understand!" Iruka tugged at the chain in frustration. Very real. Not good at all.

"Well, it's a long story. Let's just say this film is a final blow in a long war. And we fully expect to win."

"Yeah, this'll floor that bastard and shut him up once and for all." Tom grinned.

Iruka's mind raced as they smiled at him happily. He needed more information, something to work with.

"If this is going to cost me my life you could at least explain it to me so I'll understand." With every motion of his hands, the chains rattled like a ghost's.

The two men shared a look and shrugged.

The cameraman sighed wearily, now realizing that interaction between the three might interfere with his relief at being finished with these weirdos.

"We're in competition with our older brother, Tell the Ninja of the Twelve Swords! I'm sure you've heard of him." Tom explained.

"And to be sure, he is a famous noble ninja, but we are Tim and Tom, The Twin Threats of Terror!" cried Tim.

Tom proudly posed in ninja First Position, featuring the Optional Raised Arms of Offense. "Yes, that we are!"

"Our sibling rivalry has grown serious over the years and now it's time for Father to pick his predecessor. Either our brother, or the two of us, will take over as clan leader when…" sniff…a tear quavered in the corner of Tim's eye…"when our Papa is no more."

"So! We have a competition! Whomsoever can bring in the most convincing presentation showcasing their strength and brutality as a ninja will rule the empire! The mansion, the chicks, the banquets, the gold, the livestock…everything goes to the winners! As twins we'd share of course."

"Wait…if you two can share the wealth, why don't the three of you just share it and rule as a team? Like a council? Sounds like there's plenty to go around."

"Fool! Foolish Leaf Guy! You understand NOTHING about ninja honor! You don't ask the legendary Ninja of Twelve Swords to be nice and share like some kid in day care!"

"So instead you murder some stranger on film?" Iruka frowned.

"You obviously haven't any clue about us or our lifestyle." sniffed Tim haughtily.

"I'm a ninja, too, damn it! Just a chunin, but still a ninja!"

"A chunin? Really?" Tim's face screwed up in doubt.

"I thought so. I wondered why you were talking to him like that." Tom chided his brother .

"Oh yeah," the cameraman chimed in, holding up a yellow copy. "See here, right on the Bill of Lading. 'One Leaf Chunin Excellent condition Cosmetic body damage: crease on bridge of nose and extensive partially repaired damage middle back. Uh…lessee.. Fully loaded, color Sable Brown on Mocha Cream, how cute! Did you write your own description?

"Don't be insulting." Iruka glared.

"No, no, it's a great description," the cameraman smirked, black eyes crinkling in rude amusement.

"So your dad likes snuff films?" Iruka went on, deciding to ignore the obnoxious fourth party.

"No, we don't think he even knows they exist. Should make all the more impact," Tom reflected.

"He'll respect our ingenuity then, by the Gods!" proclaimed Tim.

"What if he thinks you're just sick? You know, most snuff films are made for people who get off on that kind of thing. It's, like, kinky." Iruka looked from one man to another, watching them pale.

"What? You mean kink as in sex?" Tom looked horrified.

"Precisely. And, I am a man…is Dad gay?"

"Kill him! Now!" raged Tim.

"Hell no, Dad's not gay, you twit!" Tom blurted defensively. "Uh…not that there's anything wrong with that." he amended quickly, not sure about which way that camera guy swung.

"Then you're way off base. You snuff me on this film and give it to Dad, you'll be telling him you think he's a gay necrophiliac."

"Oh no…" Tim said, slapping a hand to his chest in stunned realization. "No wonder you were naked in all the video and pictures they sent of you! And doing those…things…"

Iruka blanched, extremely embarrassed at the possibilities. What 'things'? Ugh.

Hoo, boy. I hope they just pay me so I can leave, the cameraman sighed.

"Did you know any of this?" Tim demanded.

"Of course not!" Tom squawked defensively.

The cameraman looked pointedly at Iruka and piped in to defend leaving things as they were. "I don't think that's necessarily true. Their thinking is not conventional, but - their thinking is not so far off, either. A good torture and killing in this manner is like extreme reality TV. If they don't get you naked and sex you up this isn't going to be mistaken for smut."

Iruka really wished that guy would go on break or something and shut up.

"Yeah, but do you really want to take that risk?" argued Iruka. "If your Dad thinks you're kinky or something I bet he picks your brother. You actually plan to hang all of your hopes and dreams on one cheesy film?"

"Nice try, Leaf, these guys aren't gonna fall for that. You're just trying to save your…" the cameraman growled.

"But it's our best plan!" wailed Tom.

"Our only plan! We're doomed!" Tim frowned, knuckling his forehead.

"Ninja are never doomed! As long as we draw breath, there's always a way! We all know that, don't we?" Iruka beamed in confident camaraderie. At least, he hoped he did.

There was a brief silence.

"Right?" the chunin encouraged.

"I guess." Tom pouted reluctantly.

"So let's brainstorm - when is your presentation due?"

"Week from Friday." Tim sighed.

"Great! That gives us lots of time to come up with a sure-fire winner! Obviously the two of you have the skills and abilities - we just need to get you a unique angle to show it off from."

"Yes! My skills are legend!" Tim proclaimed, recovering a bit.

"My abilities roust the eagles from their nests in awe and envy!" Tom chimed in, his brother's renewed optimism rubbing off immediately.

"My intelligence confounds the wisest of the sages!" Tim crowed.

I'd guess that one's true, Iruka smirked.

"So what's Dad like? And your brother? Any issues between them? Some weakness or discord we might exploit?"

"Hm. No, we all get along pretty well."

"Well maybe you ought to reconsider my earlier solution. Share."

"No! He's a bastard!" Tim raised a clenched fist.

"Yeah, he never cleans his swords or kunai, he says 'what do I care if they're clean I'm not stabbing myself with them anyway.'" griped Tom in a mocking imitation.

"He likes those kunoichi flicks. Talk about lame." added Tim.

"Hey, that's mean. Those movies are good." Tom said in offense.

"Oh please. All that mushy love junk rots your brain." Tim rolled his eyes in disappointment.

"Ahem. We're not really getting anywhere with this. What's your Mom's take on all of this?" Iruka steered them back to the matters at hand.

"She ran off."

"Yeah, with the tinsmith, seven years ago."

"Hey there you go. Maybe something related to that." Iruka nodded.

"Like having the guy's head mounted on a board?" Tom asked brightly.

"Not bad! Now you're thinking. Whatever you come up with it needs to appeal to your father, not necessarily to you or your brother."

"We should go ahead with this film as a back-up though. And, see, once we hurt you, you have to be dead within 72 hours. It's in the contract. So, you know, we can't just rough you up or something and then just see how it goes. We gotta go all the way." Tim explained patiently.

"I won't be able to help you afterward."

"Guess not. Well, we'll make sure to do you last, then. " Tim looked at Iruka as if waiting for him to be reasonable and agree.

The cameraman groaned. Let me kill him for you now so I can get the hell out of here. I'll stay in the room, throw the switch and everything.

But with that, Tim and Tom, Twin Thinkers of Thoughts, had placed the snuffage firmly in the back seat for now. And without knowing what their new course of action would be, they couldn't very well let the cameraman take off…what if they came up with the perfect idea and it got away because they had no way to film it ?

One very regretful cameraman cursed his life, luck, and the Cinema Professionals Union for getting him this job and stranding him in his current situation.

o0o0o0o0o

Kakashi slowly rubbed a bit of salve on his saddle sores and frowned. Iruka sure was taking this 'staying out of sight' thing seriously. He should be there helping with the sores, because the jounin was taking the abuse of wearing new leather in the younger man's stead. And because Kakashi would very much like to see the real Iruka in the scanty costume. Which he had lobbied hard to take with him after the day's filming, only to find no hot dolphin to halter - again!

Factor in the constant lure of visual aids and it added up to one frustrated copy nin, pouting in his room all alone. After a while, he decided to take a more proactive approach.

Stuffing the outfit in his vest, he threw on the henge just in case and slipped into the hallway head for Iruka's hideout, the silhouettes they might cast on the tent walls teasing in his imagination.

But instead, the disappointed jounin spent an unhappy night at the campsite alone, the note wadded and thrown aside in an immature moment. He hoped Iruka got plenty of rest on his little side fishing trip, because when he got back he had some serious sleeping bag duty to take care of. No amount of broiled fish was going to shorten his sack time, either.

He slipped back into the studio grounds before dawn, cursing the need to actually be on time in order to be on time. It didn't seem fair, he came all this way to fix things for Iruka, and now he was doing all of the work and suffering while the chunin had forgotten all about him and had gone fishin'.

Well, he'd just have to lose himself in the work. And actually, when he thought about the work itself, it wasn't such a losing proposition after all.

o0o0o0o0o

Iruka found himself unable to form words. It was slow torture. His dark brown eyes swam and a tear trickled past his scarred cheek.

Tom couldn't stand it any longer. the choking, the gagging - it looked like the chunin was going to suffocate soon. This was so wrong…

Iruka's agonized throat was clenched shut and he reached out as Tom approached. His eyes were pleading, wide and watering.

"Take it!" gasped Tom. "Why, Leaf, why? "

Iruka grabbed and chugged the half-glass of milk noisily, panting when he finished.

"I wasn't expecting it to be so dry! I thought there'd be jelly!" the chunin croaked roughly.

"Never! I never use jelly! You shouldn't have finished all of your drink first!" cried Tom.

Iruka licked a smear of peanut butter from his thumb. "Thank you, though. Other than the choking it was a very good sandwich."

"Hmph. Now I have to finish my cookies without milk," Tom crunched into a chocolate crème-filled cookie, slightly miffed. "Want one?"

Oooh! "Yes, please!" Iruka nibbled on the crunchy, chocolaty goodness, taking a break from thinking. Ideas usually struck him on their own accord, and forcing it with concentrated brainstorming had brought him to a standstill. He needed to get these guys going and soon, before they panicked and reverted to their original plan.

And it would be a bit of a shame if Kakashi came and slaughtered them all outright. They seemed like fairly decent guys overall. Even their contractual agreement for Iruka's life was done legitimately. Suna's contracts had just the right loopholes, ones Konoha had closed up in their written agreements when Tsunade took over as Hokage and had the legal language analyzed by her barrister 'friend' Belleye Marou.

Not that Suna's actions were above reproach. That was another kettle of fish there.

Fish. Water. Resources. Hmm…Iruka's mind poked him.

"Tom. What's the biggest issue for your clan? What causes the most inconvenience in your day-to-day lives?" Iruka began, and proceeded to grill the man as if his life depended on it.

o0o0o00o0o

Two elite Sand nin sat cross-legged in the aggregate, tiny sharp rocks poking their nether regions.

The Sand nin with the red streaks of lightning painted across his face held up three fingers.

The one with the white "X" applied across his nose shook his head in a negative, and made puffy fish lips.

The first nin drew a card from the pile, stifling a yawn. Soon, a centipede zipped up and disappeared in a poof.

They looked at each other, confused at the transferred info. Two days and still, there was no move on the chunin that would have started the 72 hour limit. Now they were in a bit of a spot. They were supposed to jump in with a plan that would rescue the Leaf nin from sure death; but nothing was said about a plan B if the guy was just making friends and eating cookies.

Well, the urgent delivery had been forwarded to the village, so there was no real rush. Sending another spy avatar into the cave, the nins resumed their silent Go Fish game and made slight squirmy movements to reduce their bun pinchage to a minimum on the decomposed shale.

Even further away, a mighty eagle watched over the entire scene, annoyed and yet too curious to move on. With amazingly sharp vision and hearing it rose into the air, scanning below.

Why that cheater - he did too have a three! The eagle thought in surprise, lazily circling the card sharks. Can't trust those darn Sand nin at anything!

All this activity - I guess they've finally come up with something. With the display I have planned, it couldn't possibly be much competition. But it doesn't hurt to stay on top of things just in case..

He lit on a jagged rock and settled in for more surveillance.

O0o0o0o0o0o