Epilog
(previously published as "What if?")
Isobel´s PoV
I am here with her. I am standing with Elsie in my bedroom, holding her hand tight. Afraid that she´ll run away or am I the one who needs to be hold? I´ve always dreamed of this moment since I kissed Elsie for the first time. I feel Elsie´s gaze on me and look at her. I force myself to smile. I don´t want to see her the insecurity and doubts in my eyes and I look away again. I meant every word I said to her earlier. I want to be her lover with every fibre of my body but what if she doesn´t like what she sees? She has told me over and over again how beautiful I am but that is easy to say when a nice dress covers your ageing body. A body, nobody has seen naked for centuries. Even I look away when I catch myself naked in the mirror. So how can she look at me and not see how I really look like? I never thought that I would have to go through these insecurities again at my age. I thought, that this chapter of my life is closed for good after Reginald has died but then the Titanic sank and Elsie Hughes stepped into my life. Suddenly I caught myself staring at Elsie and dreamt of things I never thought I would long for but what if I´m not good enough for her? Elsie knows that I´ve never been with another woman. Will she be patient with me and overlook my inadequateness? What if...
I feel Elsie´s hand under my chin and look at her. She whispers my name before I feel her soft lips on mine and suddenly I remember why we are here. I want to feel her lips, which have whispers sweet words to me every time we have seen each other, explore every inch of my skin. And a very familiar feeling, which I haven´t felt for ages, begins to spread in my body.
My fingers begin to tremble when I try to open the buttons of her blouse. "Let me help you." She smiles at me and begins to undress herself. My heartbeat is increasing with every piece of clothes she takes off. I don´t dare to look at her. It´s not that I´ve never seen a naked woman before but that was at the hospital and these women needed professional help and didn´t long for me and my touch.
Elsie takes my hand and puts it on her chest. I can feel her heartbeat and the warmth of her skin beneath my hand. "You are doing this to me, Isobel." And then I dare to look at her. My eyes are following her womanly curves up to her full breasts that are crowned with dark red buds. My mouth gets dry and I have to swallow. I want to touch them but I don´t dare. My eyes wander further upwards, over her shoulders to her neck, where I have kissed her only minutes ago. I close my eyes for a moment and recall that moment, when I open them again I look directly in her eyes and I begin to undress myself. I don´t look at her when I do so but I can feel her watching me. When I´m done I have to fight back the urge to cover myself. I look over at the window and regret it not to close the curtains to keep the bright light out, that illuminates every flaw of my body. I look down at the floor and hold my breath, desperately waiting for a reaction from Elsie. She steps closer, her bare feet enter my field of vision and although her body doesn´t touch mine can I feel the warmth of her body on my skin. "You look beautiful, Isobel." I don´t believe her words but I believe her eyes when I look at her.
Together we climb into my bed. We are facing each other, our bodies are not touching. Elsie takes my hand and puts it on her hip and I pull her instinctively closer. I gasp when her body is touching mine, her breast pressed against mine and her leg searching its way between my knees.
Elsie´s hand reaching for my cheek, stroking it with her thumb. "There is no wrong or right. Just let it happen, Isobel," she says as if she could read my thoughts. I put my head on her shoulder. "Will you guide me, Elsie?"
And she does. She guides me into heights I´ve never been before and never want to leave again.
Afterwards. I feel her body behind me, her arm lays protectively over my waist, her warm breath tickles my nape. I turn my head , look at her and I know that there is no more what if.
The End
A/N:
Thank you very, very much for taking up your time and reading this story and for all your kind reviews :) They really helped me when I felt uncertain about this whole project.