Chapter Ten:

I love you, Olivia.

Sometimes, I hate myself for loving you so much...

... Why would you ever want to be with someone like me?

And what if you think I'm crazy? ... am I selfish, wanting you like I do?

Needing you like I do? ...

– Please...

I love you, Olivia.

Am I some kind of stalker?

... she has already given so much of herself to the world, to the victims, even to me. How can I ask her for more? ...

I see the pain in her eyes and want to take it away...

I love you, Olivia.

Letter after letter addressed to her. Love confessions. So many entries, all dated, all filled with her name. Scrolling through, Olivia realized that she was the entire focus of the journal. The only subject.

The words began to blur together on the glowing computer screen as Olivia's eyes started to tear up, but one last sentence, four little words, stood out at her. I love you, Olivia.

During the last few years, Olivia had never imagined that someone like Alex Cabot would be interested in someone like her. After all, she was just a detective and Alex was... well...

I love you, Olivia.

But Alex had opened up her home, her body, and especially her heart, and Olivia could not help but respond. Still, she felt a little exposed – the naked want, the need Alex had displayed, was overwhelming. She was drowning in stormy waters, losing all control.

I love you, Olivia.

Looking up, the detective saw the ghosts of those words on Alex's face, the words she had just read. Alex had not been able to speak them aloud, but it had taken incredible courage to share her deepest fears. Strip her soul naked and offer it as a gift. Unimaginable trust.

That trust filled Olivia with so much love that her own words caught in her throat, unable to escape. She knew exactly how Alex felt. She even understood the self-hatred, the loathing, the fear that love would make her weak instead of strong, co-dependent – or worse, that she would poison her lover like some kind of disease because of the dark ugliness lingering in her past.

"Oh, Alex..." she breathed in wonder, pulling herself up onto her knees even though it hurt her torso as she twisted to face the attorney. "Alex, I–"

Alex took her lower lip between her teeth, casting her eyes down at her hands nervously. They twisted restlessly in her lap as though they were winding a cloth sheet, but they only worked through empty air. "I'm so sorry, Olivia," she murmured, tears glistening as they clung to her eyelashes. One droplet rolled down the curve of a porcelain cheek, leaving a wet, shimmering trail behind. Olivia wiped it away with her thumb, tilting Alex's chin up, their eyes connecting. Alex lost herself in deep brown, so familiar and so soft.

"Never be sorry for your feelings, Alex. Do you hear me, baby? Never."

With a sob of relief, Alex collapsed into her lover's arms, crying heavily into Olivia's shoulder. They were not soft, dramatic tears. Her face was flushed and blotchy, her sniffles gave away the fact that her nose was threatening to run, and the lingering mascara that remained from yesterday's makeup was trailing down her cheeks. There were bags under her eyes and her lips were slightly chapped. Her tongue felt dry and heavy in the back of her throat. Olivia could see all these things, but somehow, Alex was still the most beautiful creature she had ever seen and had the honor of holding in her embrace.

"I love you," Olivia said, sharing the words for the first time.

That gave Alex the last piece of the puzzle, the last push, the final surge of courage that she needed. "Oh, Liv, I love you, too... I have for so long." Her voice was scratchy, with none of its usual elegance and melodic counterpoint, but it was still the most magnificent sentence Olivia had ever heard. "I – I'm sorry..."

"No," Olivia interrupted, not letting Alex finish. "I already told you not to be sorry. Nothing is wrong with you."

"Guilt is hard to let go of," Alex murmured into the salty skin of Olivia's shoulder. The tears had softened, but her face was still wet. Somehow, instead of feeling dirty, she felt fresh and clean. Purified.

"Just let go."

Much like the sexual releases her body had experienced the night before and this morning, the release of Alex's pain from deep inside of her soul rippled out in an unbearable wave. She trembled in Olivia's arms, clinging to her like a raft in a tossing ocean.

Olivia was there. Solid and warm and there.

Just for her.

Alex had never felt more precious.

"Don't leave me," she said, her voice hoarse and strained. "Don't ever leave me, Olivia. You've seen all of me and you don't hate me. You haven't run away. Please – please don't hurt me now, because I won't be able to put the pieces back together if you leave me shattered."

"I won't leave you."

But she almost had. The bullet wound in Olivia's torso was a constant reminder of how close she had come to death... and how close Alex had come to losing her entire world. She could have lost Olivia before she even found her. Olivia continued rocking Alex in her arms, dropping kisses on the crown of golden curls and nuzzling her ear, offering nonsense words to soothe and comfort. Even though she was the injured one, it was her turn to take care of Alex. "Alex, sweetheart?"

Slowly, the attorney lifted her head. "Mmhmm?" she said dreamily, hardly able to comprehend that this was real. The feelings of fear and pain had faded, leaving behind the memory of a sore ache in her heart that Olivia's touch was quickly soothing.

"I'm so glad you shared with me."

"You don't think I'm..." Insane? Obsessed? Crazy? Delusional? Completely out of my mind?

"No, baby, I don't."

"I felt a little like a stalker."

"Stalkers don't think they're stalkers," Olivia insisted, brushing a kiss over the tip of Alex's nose. "You've never acted inappropriately towards me at work. I didn't have a clue you wanted me." When Alex still did not seem convinced, Olivia tried a different tactic. "If I told you that I wasn't interested, you would have backed off, right?"

Alex looked pained at the thought, but answered immediately. "Of course! I would never do anything to make you uncomfortable or upset."

"Then you're not a stalker. Having feelings isn't a crime as long as you can take 'no' for an answer. And my answer is 'yes'."

Alex felt relieved. "Thank you..."

Still holding Alex in her arms, the detective spared a glance to the laptop. "You really dreamed about me that much?" she asked cautiously, amazed at the vivid fantasies she had read in between Alex's attacks on herself and lists of her greatest fears.

Alex simply nodded. "Yes. Even before I was in love with you, I was very attracted to you. When I fell, I fell hard. It felt a little like invading your privacy, fantasizing about you, but I couldn't help it."

"Were all the things you fantasized about... things you might want to try?"

Alex's shyness melted away and she gave Olivia a coy smile. "Well, Detective Benson, did anything in particular catch your interest?"

Olivia gulped. "Maybe?" Now it was her turn to be timid.

"Could it be... the entry where I described how I would like you to use your handcuffs and take me against a wall?" Alex purred, stroking Olivia's cheek with the back of her hand. She watched the dark part of Olivia's eyes grow until it almost swallowed the white. Her lower jaw fell open in shock and arousal.

Alex's low, sexy alto voice was back and it was doing wonderful things to her libido. "Or maybe the entry where I go down on you in my office and lick you until you come in my mouth over and over again?"

Olivia let out a small whimper. She did not resist when Alex took her mouth in a heated kiss. In fact, she was more than eager to fall back on the bed as the ADA helped lower her to the mattress, making sure Olivia wasn't in any pain as she helped her out of her clothes.

. . .

"Ms. Donnelly, I assure you that if you do not cooperate with us, you will find things very difficult for you in the near future," Carl Romano said, his small, dark eyes narrowing at the EADA in what was clearly supposed to be a nonverbal threat.

Elizabeth Donnelly was not amused. She was not used to being threatened, and she found that she did not like it. "Excuse me – what was your name again?" she asked the infuriating IAB cop, tapping the toe of one French heeled shoe on the linoleum of the hallway tiles impatiently.

"Carl Romano," the short, squat man said, his round nose quivering. The red color almost reminded Liz of a tomato. "You saw the badge, ma'am." Despite calling her ma'am, Liz knew that he was just putting on a song and dance routine. He had a job to do, and he was not going to leave her alone until she gave him what he wanted.

"So, your name isn't Arthur Branch?" she asked, her short, clipped tone echoing sharply through Romano and Florentine's ears. "Then you have no authority over me, Mr. Romano, and I suggest you leave. I have a lot of work to do."

The taller, more attractive cop decided to give his own methods of persuasion a try. "Listen, we know Cabot hasn't been to work in the last few days. We just want to find out why. We think she might be with Benson, and we've received new information that both of them might be targets in this latest case."

"Then why is IAB handling it?" Donnelly asked, instantly suspicious. She didn't like something about Florentine's eyes. Besides, his clothes were drenched with cigarette smoke. Even though she had inhaled her share of nicotine in her younger years, mostly during law school, Liz found chain smoking, and the resulting scent that never seemed to go away, slightly nauseating. He could at least try to get some of it out of his clothes...

"We're only going to make sure that both of them are safe. Besides, we need some statements." Sensing his partner's unspoken demand to back off, the less-subtle Romano took a step away from Donnelly and towards the wall, letting Florentine take center-stage even though the EADA didn't seem impressed with either of them. "Listen, we're on the same side here."

"Alexandra did not tell me anything. She simply requested several personal days. I was more than happy to give them to her. If she is with Olivia Benson – and that is a very big if, Gentlemen – I still have no idea where you might find them, so there is no reason for you to continue wasting my valuable time."

Turning on her heels and preparing to storm away, Liz was startled when a large hand gripped her wrist. The touch was not rough, but it still made her inhale quickly. Her heart fluttered unpleasantly. She did not like being touched, especially by strangers and especially without warning. "Excuse me?" she said, looking down at the hand that was still circling her lower arm.

"If you do remember anything that could help us find Alexandra Cabot, please contact us." Florentine let go of Donnelly's wrist and offered her his card, the steel in his eyes demanding that she take it. Liz accepted the number reluctantly, not bothering to remove the frown from her face even for politeness' sake.

"I'll be sure to do that, Detectives," she said, making it more than clear that the conversation was over as she headed towards her office. "Just as soon as the moon crashes into the Atlantic and Branch turns into a dinosaur..." she muttered once she was out of earshot. There was no way she was going to give those two jerks any help.

Closing and locking the door to her office, Liz picked up her landline and called a familiar number. "Detective Tutuola? Yes, this is Elizabeth Donnelly... yes, Alex's boss. I need a favor. If you have Alex's personal cell phone, I suggest you call her and tell her she has a rat problem." There was a pause as a deep baritone voice on the other end of the line answered. "Yes... all right. Thank you."

Hanging up the phone, Liz collapsed back into her hair, letting her head dangle over the headrest and massaging her temples. She was starting to develop one hell of a migraine. Cabot so owes me for all this extra trouble when she gets back, the EADA thought. Unfortunately, she had the feeling that Alexandra was about to be in even more trouble than she was.

She had not missed the lingering looks that passed between her subordinate and her favorite detective from the 1-6. The fact that Olivia Benson was a woman complicated things further, but the problem remained – their unorthodox relationship, however far it may have progressed, was clearly a conflict of interest. It was only a matter of time before everything started to unravel.