Greetings, I finally bring ye the next chapter! . . . that's right, I said next, not last. This chap was already long, and if I put the rest of the story here it would be that long again. So, one more chapter- just one, promise! God, I am such a bastard.

This chap seems a bit uneven, or that could just be me.

Part 10: The Invitations

Sun Ce lay flat on his back. "Invisible wall. . . awesome. . ."

Yuan Shao groaned and tried to sit up, only to find that an unconscious Liu Bei was slumped over him. With a startled cry he hastily tried to squirm free.

"Oh, the two young lovers," Cao Cao snorted with little enthusiasm. He climbed to his feet, clutching his forehead. "What. . . happened?"

Xiahou Dun rose slowly with Yue Ying's help. "I believe Zhuge Liang blocked our path with some kind of unseeable barrier."

Cao flicked a glance at his general before screaming into Zhuge liang's cave, "You spiteful bastard!"

Liu Bei opened his eyes and gave Yuan Shao a dazed smile. "Morning, handsome."

"Huh, why yes I am- oh, eew!" The golden hero shoved Bei back and scrambled to his feet. "G-get away!"

Guan Yu grunted and tried to rise, pain clouding his vision. Something heavy was keeping him down, held fast to the beardless warrior's chin. After several confused and frustrated seconds, Yu's vision cleared enough for him to wish it hadn't.

Zhang Fei stared into Guan Yu's wide eyes, their faces pressed against each other. Both men immediately tried to pull away, and let out yelps of pain.

Guan Yu looked down his nose in shock and horror. "Your beard is. . . caught in my velcro!"

Sun Jian laughed uncontrolably alongside Cao Cao. Liu Bei tried to keep a straight face, but it was pointless. Yuan Shao watched the scene with a slightly bemused expression.

The brothers struggled to free themselves, their shapes silouetted against the light from the cave. They fell, rolled around, then fought their way back to their feet. Each tried angrily to stare the other down. They were stuck fast.

"Zhang Fei, remove yourself from my person!"

"You remove my person from your- your person from. . ."

Guan Yu planted his hands on his brother's face and pushed with all his might. There was a ripping noise, and the two came free to the sound of Zhang Fei howling as he fell back. Yu sighed with relief and reached up to scratch his velcroed chin. He felt fuzz, and looked down at Fei in confusion. His brother had a chunk of beard missing. Realisation dawned. Guan Yu clawed frantically at the section of Zhang Fei's beard that was stuck to his chin. "Argh, my velro- it is ruined! Do you have any idea how hard velcro is to come by in ancient China?"

Zhang Fei felt his chin, then glared at Yu's. "Hey, give that back!"

Guan Yu ignored him and cast about for his original beard. "Steve, where are you?"

"Steve," Liu Bei echoed with a laugh. "Your beard is called Steve? That is not even Chinese!"

Yu spotted his beard and snatched it up. He tried to reatach it, only to find it would no longer hold. The embodiment of honour and dignity began to hypervhentilate. "It will not stick!" Steve flailed wildly as Yu continued ramming it into his chin. "Noooooo!"

Zhang Fei folded his arms. "Look on the bright side- your bathroom time just got cut in half!"

Sun Jian rose unsteadily and threw his shoulders back. The ruler of Wu determindly pushed past Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun, charging ahead into the cave unhindered. Cao Cao cried out in protest and hurried after him, as did everyone else, Yue Ying and Dun last.

They found themselves in a wide, candlelit chamber. It was dome-shaped, with a huge chandelier hanging from the high ceiling. Sun Jian flinched upon seeing that- he knew too well what a light fixture was capable of. The rest of them looked about the room in awe. Shelves lined the walls, and were filled with all sorts of strange objects; from various coloured vials to crystals that pulsed with strange green light. Despite the light from above, everything was tinged green by the glowing rocks. At the other end of the room, a tunnel led further into the cave. Zhuge Liang was nowhere to be seen.

Sun Ce walked backwards, turning around with his arms wide. "Whooooa, cool!"

Sun Jian swore. "Don't touch anything!"

Sun Quan stared unblinking at his reflection in a crystal ball. And stared. When he finally reached out to touch it, Sun Jian caught his wrist in a death-grip. Yuan Shao also gazed at his own reflection, paying attention only to smoothing his mustaches.

As the nine guests drifted over to examine various objects, Yue Ying scampered off down the tunnel. Xiahou Dun began to run out to her, when something caught his eye: an eye. Floating in clear fluid within a glass jar on a nearby shelf. He wet his lips.

Cao Cao watched quietly as his general inconspicously made his way over to the jar. He waited until Dun's hand was inches from it before hauling him back by the hair. "We do not eat eyeballs! We do not eat people! And we do not engage in beastiality!" He glared off down the tunnel. Dun twisted to bite Cao's hand, but he released the general and moved away swiftly. "Try that again and I'll-I'll. . . just don't touch anything, like the pirate said!"

Cao Cao stormed away to the centre of the room. He looked about contemptously at the others. Fools! Let them gawp at these trinkets, while I go ahead and-

"Are you coming or not," Zhuge Liang enquired from the tunnel entrance. Everyone spun in suprise, except for one. "Lord Cao Cao, please tell your associate to stop poking my eye." The Wei ruler turned to see Xiahou Dun with his hand deep in the glass jar. Liang frowned. "It belonged to my grandfather."

Three litres of the blood normaly circulating in Cao's veins rushed to his face. "Stop. . . playing with it! Take your hand out of that jar!"

"But it's pickled- I haven't had pickled!"

"NOW!"

Grumbling about the unfairness, Dun removed his questing hand from the jar. Zhang Fei looked from the cyclops to the floating eyeball. "Wow, and I thought those things came in pairs."

Now Cao Cao found himself sweating, shooting quick glances at Zhuge Liang. Does he know about Dun and Ying? That they have a. . . thing? Well, Dun has a 'thing'- that's actually the problem. Liang's warchicken clucked noisily, and the strategist calmly bashed it's head against the wall. The bird went limp. "Now, let us finally proceed."

The heroes and their companions followed Zhuge Liang into the dimly lit tunnel. It was cramped, and after much pushing and shoving the brothers of Shu would led behind the strategist. The green glow of the entrance chamber faded behind them, to be replaced by flicking firelight from torches that lined the walls. The tunnel began to curve, and although there were no stairs, it soon became apparent that they were moving upwards. Liang casually slung his dead fowl over one shoulder as they walked. "My wife has told me that you were all on your best behaviour. That is good; I would not have wanted to feed you all to the flesh weasels."

"Flesh. . . weasels," Cao Cao asked cautiously.

"Yes. My darling Yue Ying was raised by such creatures as an infant. In return, we now care for a great many of them." He shook his head. "They are like our children. Amazing animals; did you know that they can smell fear?"

"No, and we don't care," Yuan Shao interrupted. He squeezed between Guan Yu and Zhang Fei and came out in front of Liang. "Enough of this! I refuse to stumble around this infernal cavern, atop this accursed mountain a moment longer! I am Yuan Shao- Yuan, of the Yuan Family! I demand that you cease this self-indulgent, mystical charade and show your new lord to a room of passable quality!"

To everyone's suprise, Zhuge Liang stayed perfectly calm. He stared into an expectant Yuan Shao's haughty eyes. "You presume much, Lord Yuan Shao. But yes- let us 'get down to business.' " The mystic flicked his rodes out and clapped his hands twice. White light filled the tunnel, and when it faded they were no longer standing in the tunnel. Around them, a small meeting hall had appeared, with a long, polished wooden table at its centre. Ten high-backed chairs surrounded it, and on the right side of the room a fire blazed in the large hearth. Before the fire, Yue Ying was curled, purring contentedly.

The heroes turned about in shock. Liu Bei half drew his sword- the blade broke partway down. He examined the hilt. Made in China- huh, figures. Zhuge Liang ignored their suprised reactions and drifted over to the head of the table, where he took his seat. Cao Cao and Yuan Shao immediately scrambled for the chair at the other end. Unconsciously, Xiahou Dun grabbed the nearest chair and hurled it at the golden hero. It clunked into his helmet, sending him stumbling to the floor. Cao Cao gave an appreciative wave as he dashed for his prize, but Dun didn't notice; his eye was focused only on his 'mate' by the fire.

"You uncouth bastard!," Yuan Shao roared at Cao Cao, seeming not to care that Dun had thrown the chair. "Get out of my seat!"

"Get out of my sight, Goldmember," Cao countered, swinging his legs to rest on the table.

"Enough," Liang declared with force. "Lord Cao Cao, kindly remove your buttocks from Lord Liu Bei's chair."

Cao Cao laughed mockingly. "Move for Liu Bei? You have to be joking. I wouldn't give up my spot for Confucius!"

Liu Bei looked wonderingly to the mystic. "My chair? For me?"

"Yes." That appeared to be all Liang would say. Yuan Shao shook a fist at Cao Cao. "I claim that seat in the name of the Yuan Family!"

Sun Jian pulled out a chair and dropped into it. "Quit banging on about your bloody family! I personally couldn't give two shits about anything to do with your line, except maybe its end."

Cao grinned. "Hah!"

"How dare you! My family is- "

Zhuge Liang laid his arms flat on the tabletop. "Lord Cao Cao, for the last time, that is Lord Liu Bei's chair. Stand up, or Yue Ying will assist you." Ying's head came up, and she showed off an array of crooked fangs. The Hero of Chaos gulped and rose, aware he would get no support from Xiahou Dun. The man's sense of loyalty was perplexing.

A minute later, they were all seated, with Yuan Shao and Cao Cao sitting closest to Liang. After several moments, the mystic spoke. "Greetings, heroes of the future Three Kingdoms. . . and associates. I have invited," he glanced at Liu Bei, "most of you here in order to decide who I shall serve in this time of chaos. In order to do this, I will- "

"Why do you keep saying 'invited?'," Sun Jian demanded. "It's obvious that none of us received any invitation from you."

"Is that so?" Zhuge Liang shook his head. "Foolish. I presented you with my invitation at your feast. Perhaps I was too subtle."

Sun Ce scratched his head. "Pop? You got an invite?"

"No! Zhuge Liang, I have no idea what you're talking about. You were not at my feast, and for the last time, in no way, shape or form did I receive a damned invitation!"

"In no way, shape or form? Not in the form of say, a chandelier?"

Jian shook his head. "I don't know what- wait, what the hell did you just say?"

"The chandelier." Zhuge Liang sighed. "The one that I used to crush Lord Zhou Yu."

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Shang Xiang took an involuntary step back as Zhuge Liang approached the bars of the gate. "Where's my father, you bastard? I know what you did to my brother's brother!"

Beside her, Ling Tong frowned. "Sun Quan?"

"Zhou Yu, idiot!" The princess back-handed Tong, then growled at Liang. "Where is he? What have you done with father?"

"Lord Sun Jian is fine," Zhuge Liang said. "He is currently waiting in my humble home, along with your brothers." The mystic chuckled slightly before looking right into Shang Xiang's eyes. "So, you discovered that it was I who killed Lord Zhou Yu, and have come to warn Lord Sun Jian. Brave girl- I must say I am impressed. No doubt you are struggling to grasp my motive for such a deed."

Gan Ning folded his arms. "Not really- gak!" Without turning, the princess' hand clamped around the pirate's throat. "I would guess it has something to do with you being a psychopath!"

"I assure you that I am quite sane. Ask my friends. . . hmm, well anyway. . ." He went silent for a moment. "Lords Sun Jian, Cao Cao, Yuan Shao are all presently waiting for me to decide with whom I shall side. Fear not, I have already informed your father of my role in Lord Zhou Yu's death, but it is obvious that you mean to drag him back to Wu. I cannot allow you to interfere with my plans. I shall choose to follow one of the three heroes. The others will die.

"Leave now, or suffer their fate."

Shang Xiang gritted her teeth. "Open the gate!"

Huang Gai smashed his rod into the gate's bars. "Release Lord Sun Jian immediately!"

Ling Tong folded his arms and leaned on Gai. "Yeah!"

Gan Ning cracked his knuckles "All for one, I guess."

Zhuge Liang stepped forward, becoming transparent and walking right through the iron bars, causing the others to step back. On the other side, he solidified again and raised one hand, which clutched another chicken. "Foolish mortals."

A pillar of golden light raced towards the Wu officers.

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"Like, WHAT," Sun Ce yelled. "OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED ZHOU YU?"

Sun Jian drew his sword and leapt onto the table.

Zhuge Liang nodded patiently. "Of course I did. I disguised myself in order to gain access to your palace, then slipped in during the feast. It was a simple matter of casting a spell to loosen several bolts fixing the chandelier to the ceiling. Killing him saw that you were no longer in possession of a competent strategist, and logic dictated that you would search for another. As I am the greatest strategist in the land, you would naturally come seeking me. Executing Zhou Yu was an invitation that you could not refuse."

"You're so totally gonna die!"

Sun Jian growled. "Yes, you will pay!"

The strategist shook his head and fixed Sun Jian with a tired gaze. "Please come down from my table, you angry little man." Jian hesitated, but advanced on Liang at Sun Ce's urging. Cao Cao and Yuan Shao scooted their chairs back. The mystic folded his arms casually. "Lord Sun Jian, I advise you to 'look on the bright side.' You have lost a rusted dagger, but may yet gain a katana."

Ce scowled. "What the fu- "

Sun Jian silenced his son with a wave of his sword. He rubbed his chin. "So. . . you're saying that I might come out of this better off, like double or nothing?"

"Double several times over. Now be seated." Reluctantly, the ruler of Wu did as he was told. Sun Ce put on a sulky face and said nothing.

Xiahou Dun grinned and kicked Guan Yu under the table. To his disappointment, the beardless warrior didn't flinch. Cao Cao raised a hand. "Am I the only one who thinks it's funny that a light fixture crushed that prissy little wanker?. . . Oh, come on- admit it's funny!"

From the other end of the table, Liu Bei cleared his throat. "I see. . . you invited Sun Jian here by subtly killing off Zhou Yu. What about Cao Cao's invitation?"

Cao blinked, then shook his head. "No, Gou Jia was eaten by my cannibalistic cousin. No invitation was- "

The strategist examined his fingernails. "While your former strategist slept, I marinated him in delicious dipping sauce- Lord Xiahou Dun's favourite."

Cao Cao twitched. "You did what?"

"I thought he was a little tangy," Xiahou Dun said. He then gasped and pointed at Zhuge Liang. "Then it was you who killed Gou Jia!"

"I may have prepared the meal, but I did not eat it."

Zhang Fei snorted at Dun. "Nice try, lighthouse."

Guan Yu shook his head. "Dipping sauce. . .?"

Coa Cao pounded the table. "Why. Me?" He massaged his temples and sighed helplessly. "What about Colonel Mustard over there? His strategists fell off a cliff!"

Yuan Shao eyed Zhuge Liang down his nose. "Quite right. Any suggestion that you had something to do with the incident is ludicrous."

"It is entirely conceivable, actually. Once I gained access to a copy of your castle's blueprints, it was a simple matter of altering them, hiding inside a large cake and being delivered to the cell of Tian Feng, Ju Shou, Shen Pei and Guo Tu, where I presented them with my gift. I then transfered my physical essence to the astral plain, and walked through the solid matter of the cell door. It was all so easy." What kind of an imbecile would imprison four people in one 4 by 6 cell?

Liu Bei frowned in puzzlement. "Why did you hide in a cake when you could have walked through the door?"

". . . Do you remember what I said about being a smart arse?" The ruler of Shu shrank back. "Now cease attempting to undermine my brilliant plans."

"Yes, quite brilliant." Yuan Shao folded his arms. "You saved me the trouble of having them executed for treason."

Damn. Liang's face remained expressionless. "Were you planning on Lord Feng Ji being crushed by half a tonne of gold, as well?"

The golden hero snorted. "I do not regularly shower employees with money, no."

"Suprise, suprise," Cao Cao muttered.

Sun Jian grunted. "Right, good, so we were all invited, except for the inventor of peon stir fry." He nodded to Liu Bei, then turned to Zhuge Liang. "Now, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, decide who your going to serve!"

The mystic looked around the faces of varying intelligence and nodded slowly. "Very we- "

"First, let me say one thing," Yuan Shao interrupted, rising. "I shall give you a thousand gold pieces to join me! No- make it two thousand!"

"You can't do that, you rich bastard!", Cao Cao screeched.

"I have money, my friend; I can do whatever I please."

Cao's forehead vein convulsed. "W-well I have money, too!" He raised a hand. "Three thousand gold!"

"Four thousand," Yuan countered.

"Five!"

"Ten!"

"Grr, Yuan Shao's armour, after I gut him!"

Zhuge Liang clapped his hands, and the sound of a gong sounded through the room. The bidders froze, and by the fire Yue Ying whimpered and began to pace the room on all fours. Liang waited until the noise had faded. "My services cannot be purchased, you should know. I shall serve only one whom I deem to be worthy."

Liu Bei puffed out his chest. "I am worthy! Please give me another chance- you will see!"

"I have seen more than enough, Lord Liu Bei. Here." He reached into his robes and came out with a book, which he slid along to the other end of the table. "it is a first edition." Perhaps you shall go away if I at least give you something.

Liu Bei gasped when he looked down at the book's cover. "Oh my!"

Guan Yu and Zhang Fei rose and came to Bei's side. "What is it? The Way of Peace? The original Art of War?"

Liu Bei shook his head. "No, much better!" He held it up for the others to see the title.

Zhuge Liang's The Tao of Towels

Bei clapped his hands excitedly. "First edition!"

"Brother, you are an idiot," Yu stated.

Zhang Fei chuckled as he read the back of the book. " 'By the world's leading authority on towels.' Who knew?"

Liu Bei snatched the book back. "No touching! Now come on, we're leaving!"

Guan Yu sighed. "You cannot be serious. . ."

Liang closed his eyes. Again, too easy. . .

Next (and final) part won't be too far away.

EDIT: Reading back through this, I can't say I'm happy with a lot of it (yes, I reserve the right to bag my own work.) My writing style changed slightly, and it took a little while to get back in the swing of ZLD- I'll try to do better with the last part. Thanks to The Providence Crow for the flesh weasels (if you remember suggesting them) They'll be around later...

Obligatory self-plug (to balance the bagging): I'm now also co-writing A Tale of Two Eras with author aliedcam1, under the pen name Terracam (see my profile.)