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Kat let out a shaky breathe as she walked out on the small pier. Zak still clutched her hand like it was a life line. Neither of them said a word as she walked out to the edge and then sat down. Zak followed, and sat down next to her. In the moonlight she could see how pale he was, and she felt his entire body shaking next to hers.
"You can see the city lights from here." She whispered softly, pointing with her free hand.
Zak was silent for a few moments then he looked down at their hands, still intertwined and let go.
"Sorry." He said, pulling his hand away.
"You don't like being touched."
Kat shook her head, "it's alright. I don't mind."
Zak shivered and pulled his knees to his chest. His hands gripped his hair as he gave a little sob.
"That wasn't me in there. It wasn't me. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." He murmured from the vicinity of his knees.
"It's alright. We know it wasn't you. You didn't hurt anybody."
"They've never seen me like that. No one knows what happened-."
"We won't air anything you—"
"No. No. They don't know. They don't know what happened, what I saw—it was real. It really happened. Its just like the bishop said—they take your deepest darkest secrets and use them against you. Demons are real. Fucking real. And now everyone knows-" he broke off with a sob and gripped his hair harder with his hands.
"Everyone knows what? That demons are real?" Kat asked, feeling relieved that Zak was talking again but disturbed at what he was saying.
"No. No, no, no, no. About me. About what happened. They heard him, didn't they? Now they know. They know-they know-they know-"
Kat grabbed Zak's hands with hers and pulled they away from his hair.
"Don't do that, love." She whispered softly.
"What do they know?" she asked.
His face crumbled, "About me. About what happened. I'm tarnished. Fouled. I couldn't stop him. Me. Me. I wasn't strong enough. I'll never be strong enough. And now I cant get his voice out of my head. Back there with Aaron and Nick, their faces changed to his face. It was like he was there with me. He was hurting me again. It won't stop. It'll never stop!"
Kat could just stare.
"You too?" she asked softly, "I thought I was the only one."
It was Zak's turn to stare at her.
He took a deep breath. "I read your letter. I know what happened to you and that's why I've been distant. Id thought you'd take one look at me and know. I couldn't live with that. Anyone else knowing. But at the same time. I wanted someone to know. Someone to—"
"Share the burden." Kat answered for him.
They both stared at each other again.
"Exactly." Zak answered.
888
Nick knocked softly on Zak's Venice hotel door. The memories of the lockdown still playing over in his head; the scars, the screaming, the knife, the voices. It all seemed like none of it was real.
But it was. It was all real, and there was so much he didn't know. So much that Zak never told him.
He had kept his distance, been polite and courteous to his friend, but now he needed to know what was going on. They still had two more days in Venice, and Nick was not going to waste them moping around. The entire group had been silent for the past day, barely speaking with each other or leaving their rooms. Nick and Kat had spoken a few times though, and Kat thought it was best that Zak wasn't left alone for too long. Kat spent most of the time with Zak, but Nick knew she was dead tired so he decided that it was time he spoke with Zak alone.
The door opened and Zak appeared still in pajamas.
"Hey." Nick said softly, "May I come in for a minute?"
Zak shrugged, then opened the door wider. Nick walked in silently, they stared at each other for a moment before Zak offered him a chair.
Nick took it, and Zak sat down on the unmade bed.
The air was heavy and silent.
Nick sighed, "I think it' time we talked, Zak."
Zak looked away from him, and down at his hands.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone last night." He whispered.
"I know. It's okay. No one was hurt." Nick answered. He looked over his friend; Zak's fingers were shaking slightly as they pulled his long sleeves over his hands. He looked scared, nervous, embarrassed. Shamed.
"Can you tell me how that happened?" Nick asked softly, pointing to wear he knew the bandages were on Zak's arm. Zak flinched slightly when Nick pointed, but he remained silent.
"It's how I deal with things, when they go bad. Always has been. I went too far with this one. That's all." He answered after a beat.
Nick stared at his friend. He never knew. In all the years that he had known Zak, he never even thought of Zak doing this. How could he have missed the signs? And what kind of friend was he for being so blind?
"How long?" he asked
Zak shrugged, "It's been on and off, since I was in high school."
"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your best friend! You could have told me!"
"Because I was afraid—"
"Afraid of what? That—"
"Afraid of the look that you have on your face right now. I didn't want anybody to know that I was weak." Zak answered, looking up at nick.
"You need help."
"I know. I'll stop. I promise." Zak said, and he finally looked up at their eyes met.
"We can help you. In whatever way we can. Like how you and I helped Aaron loose weight. And how you and Aaron helped me with Annabelle when she was born. We're a team."
Zak nodded. "Alright."
"Aaron has to know what's going on. But I won't let anybody know, not the media or anything." Nick said
"Kat knows. She saw—and helped me. Don't yell at her though. I made her promise not to say anything."
"She was the only one who knew what to do last night. We are so grateful for her." Nick said with a smile.
"She really is amazing." Zak answered with a slight smile, but then his smile faded.
"What did you see, last night? Or hear?" Zak asked
Nick paused for a moment, trying to remember exactly what had happened before Zak's possession or break down—or whatever it was. He had heard a man's voice, whispering in his ear. They all had.
"A voice, that whisper. We all heard it. It was talking to you, wasn't it? What did it mean?" Nick asked.
"It wasn't talking to me, it was mocking me. That was a residual voice, the same one I heard last time we came here. It was mimicking the voice of—of the person who—attacked me. In Detroit." Zak said shakily, balling his hands into fists.
Nick felt his insides freeze and his entire back stiffen. This was it, this was the moment that Zak was finally opening up to him, after all these years he was finally going to tell him what had happened to him. From the first day Nick had met Zak, he had known that something, something bad had happened to him. But Zak was very, very good at covering his true emotions, almost too good. Nick was a sensitive guy, he could tell when someone wasn't acting genuine, and he knew Zak wasn't being himself. Over the ten years that they had known each other, Zak had changed and grown into the person he was, but when they first met he was very different. Zak never let anyone touch him—no not anyone-anyone who was male touch him. He flinched away, covering his fear with his strong personality. It had always been like that, and Nick and never thought to ask him why. Zak had blamed it on his social anxiety disorder, but Nick had always suspected it was something deeper than that. A lot of what happened behind the scenes never made it to the public. Nobody saw that panic attacks that happened after the cameras got turned off after an interview, or how Zak's hands shook while he was speaking to the camera. Suddenly it all made sense; Zak's determination to keep up his "tough guy" persona on TV, his obsession with working out and being strong, his hatred for bullies (dead or alive). It all added up to this personal trauma that had happened so many years ago. Nick wondered if this was this first time Zak had even spoken about this event out loud.
Maybe that's why when Kate was added to the group, Zak's persona changed. He had grown more genuine these past few months and was definitely less snippy and fake than he had been before she joined GAC. Nick had been worried at first about how she and Zak would get along, but it seemed like Kat had been the best thing for Zak.
"It all seemed okay at first, the voice shook me up but I thought I was strong enough to keep going—and then suddenly you guys weren't you anyone. You were him. All I could see what his face, looking down at me. I couldn't handle it anymore, there was too much pain. I don't remember much after that, just flashes." continued softly in a thin voice, clenching and unclenching his fingers nervously and not looking Nick in they eye.
"Then what happened?" Nick asked, looking at Zak.
Zak clenched his hands together, and pulled his knees closer to his chest.
"It was like…they knew me. I kept seeing terrible things, things that had happened to me back in det—back then. And they wouldn't stop, it wouldn't stop replaying over and over and over again." He whispered, looking away from Nick and grabbing his hair with his hands.
Nick sighed. Zak never spoke about his life before he moved to Vegas, before he met him and Aaron and started this whole ghost hunting adventure. Zak had always been very guarded about his past, and had always covered up his true emotions with his fiery temper. Even in the book he wrote, he had skimmed over his time in Detroit, even though that was when he had witnessed his first paranormal entity.
"What happened to you? Can you tell me?" Nick asked cautiously, hoping beyond hope that Zak would feel comfortable enough to tell him.
Zak closed his eyes and winced, "I –I don't know
—I'm sorry." He whispered in a thin voice.
"It's alright, don't be sorry. Would it help if I asked questions?" Nick asked.
Zak paused for a second, and he finally looked up at Nick, then nodded his head.
"Did someone hurt you?" Nick asked
Zak nodded his head.
"Did he hurt you like Michael hurt Kat?"
A nod.
"Is that why you left?"
Another nod.
"On the island, the ghosts—demons were able to access these memoires—"
Zak nodded.
"It felt so real. Like I was there, reliving it." He said shakily, pulling his arms closer around his legs and rocking back and forth slightly.
Nick reached for him, only as a gesture of comfort but then-
"Stop. Stop stop. I can't, it's too much. Please." Zak whimpered, flinching back away from Nick's outstretched hand.
Nick's hand closed around the thin air, and then he lowered it slowly.
"Sorry. It's alright. We don't have to talk about it anymore tonight. Do you want some water or anything?" Nick asked softly.
Zak just shrugged, and remained silent.
Nick decided then that it was best to change the subject.
"We still have two more nights in Venice. Kat spoke with the man who runs the museum in San Marcos. He says they hear people walking around in the middle of the night, even though the square is empty. We can shoot a little there tonight, if you'd like."
Zak's eyes flashed up. "Oh no. the episode. I'm sorry I ruined it, we can go back. I'll be good, I promise-"
"No, no it's okay. We're not going back. We got enough footage on the x-cams for a halfway decent show. We can fill the extra space up with some haunted parts in Venice. It will be fine. We just want to make sure you're okay first before we go on with filming."
Zak sighed. "I'll be okay tomorrow. I promise." He said, the shaking in his hands betraying him.
Nick stared at his friend. Zak wasn't okay. He may never be okay again until they fixed this. It was time they started.
"Would you feel better if someone stayed with you in here tonight? I can stay, or if that makes you uncomfortable, Kat can." He asked. Then winced internally, Kat had just gone to her own room for some much needed TLC. But he knew she would come, she always did.
Zak nodded, "Kat doesn't mind….?" He trailed off.
Nick shook his head, "Not at all. I'll go ask her right now. Do you need anything else?"
Zak shook his head, "Actually, could you stay? She's had a rough day, I don't want to bother her…"
"You sure?"
Zak nodded, "I'm going to be okay. I trust you." He said, and then tried to smile.
Nick nodded, "I know, and we'll be here to help you. We're going to do this together, as a family. I love you, man. I don't want to loose you, you're like a brother to me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
Zak nodded his head, but didn't say anything. When he finally looked up and met Nick's eyes, he saw that they were glassy. Then Zak held out his hand, fingers shaking slightly he held out his pinky.
"Pinky promise?
Nick smiled and hooked Zak's pinky with his.
"I promise."
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I finally fixed all the bugs, sorry about that. The story is done, yay! Now I just have to post it :)