Ch. 10: The Sweetness of Memory

I wasn't going to do this. I really wasn't. Several people have e-mailed me with ideas, a lot of them focusing on "first times". I try to avoid those because there's a lot of pressure inherent in those stories. I certainly was not going to do a first time sex story between Lena and Stef. Mostly because first times are rarely as magical as we would like. But then I got to thinking. I like Stef. I like her swagger, I like her confidence, but then I got to wondering, how would she feel about having sex with Lena for the first time? Now, of course a part of her would just be jumping up and down and cheering but there's got to be a little part of her that's nervous. A little part of her that worries that she won't "measure up" to the "real" lesbians Lena has been with in the past. And thus, a story is born. So rated M for Lesbian sex. It certainly isn't detailed as some stories but it's there.

Stef was starting to get the uneasy feeling that she should be moving faster in the romance department. It had been their third, no fourth…wait fifth date that ended in a lot of kissing and…touching. The look Lena had given her the night before last had sent all sorts of electricity running through her body. It had been exciting yet unsettling to realize how sexual Lena made her feel. In her years of boyfriends, even married to Mike, Stef had thought something was wrong with her. She'd had sex, even enjoyed it at times but comparing it to the electrical feel of Lena's fingers on her body couldn't even be quantified. It was almost embarrassing how much her body reacted to Lena's voice…her scent. Was this normal, or was she just abnormal in another direction?

"Hey Foster!" her partner trotted up, holding a couple of cups.

"What?" she asked, automatically reaching to take the coffee from his hand.

"What were you thinking about? You had a real, strange look in your eyes," he said a trifle to innocently.

Stef shook herself hard. She wasn't going to be embarrassed by some practically-a-rookie-cop. "I was thinking about how you thought that barista back there was a hooker and how much the guys would like hearing about it," she smirked.

Wilson lost his grin immediately. "Aw, c'mon Stef. You can't blame me for that. Look at what she was wearing!"

She quirked an eyebrow at him.

"Seriously, it was practically see through!" he blustered.

She took a sip of coffee and continued to stare at him.

"Please don't tell the guys." It wasn't a whine but it was damn close.

Stef smiled in superiority. Round 1,287 to Stef Foster. "I'll think about it," she said. For the rest of the time she determinedly kept her mind on her work.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Dressed in her civvies, she rounded the innocent looking bookstore. She circled three times in her car before she realized she looked ridiculous so she found a spot to park. She sat in the car, then took a breath and headed for the bookstore. She walked without stopping into the store that sported a rainbow flag in the window. As soon as she walked into the store, she wheeled to the left, hoping that if she looked like she knew where she was going, she would be unnoticed. No such luck.

"Hi! Can I help you find something today?" chirped a cheerful brunette.

Stef willed herself not to stammer. "No thanks. I'm just looking."

"Okay, well, if you need anything. Just give me a holler, 'kay?" the bubbly woman made her way to the back of the store.

"'Kay," said Stef somewhat forlornly. She had veered into the magazine section featuring mainly…gay porn. Stef, frankly, was a little shocked. She hadn't realized there was that much gay porn in the world. Bears? She moved closer, fascinated despite herself.

"Excuse me," a young man of, maybe twenty reached past her to grab a magazine. He gave her a conspiratorial type of grin.

Stef drew her hand back like it was burned, hoping her face wasn't red. Lesbian. She needed to find the lesbian section. Because that's what she was. A lesbian. Shit that felt as weird and as familiar as the first time she said it. She dared to lift her head to look around the store a little more thoroughly. She was a cop for G-d sakes. Shouldn't she be a little more observant? She spotted the right section, making her way past some bumper stickers and magnets. There were a lot of books. Books about coming out. Books about the history of gays and lesbians. Intrigued, she began opening the books and paging through them. Her whole discovery of who she was had been intensely private and relatively sheltered. She hadn't wanted to know about other women's experiences, she was too busy focusing on her own feelings. Her throat tightened a little when she saw some nineteenth century pictures of couples who were clearly in love. It was hard enough now, how would have been a hundred years ago? She paged through the book some more, then looked at her watch. Reluctantly, she put the book back. It was interesting but it wasn't why she was here. She edged closer to the sex section. She couldn't resist a furtive glance around her as she picked up The Joy of Lesbian Sex. That seemed like a pretty straightforward title. Her cheeks reddened a little as she realized how graphic the pictures were. She looked around again, relieved that she was relatively alone. She put down that book and picked up another. Then another. By the time she had put the fourth one down, her mind was whirling. That was…that was a lot of information. The thought of doing – any – of those things with Lena left her a little breathless.

She picked up the first book, weighing the idea of actually purchasing it. She looked at the baby-faced cashier, then the book again. She just couldn't do it. Stef bit her lip and seriously considered stealing the book. It was just one book. It wouldn't be that bad, right? Reason overcame her. She was a cop. She sighed and put the book back. Brow slightly furrowed she left the store and walked back to her car.

Stef felt more overwhelmed then before. Now there were all these possibilities she had not known before. What should she do? What would Lena like best? She stopped midway before turning the key in the ignition. What all had Lena done before? "Shit," Stef groaned unhappily. She needed to do more research.

For the next couple nights, Stef poured over her computer, putting in various phrases she had learned from the books in her search engine. She was thankful that she had the computer to herself. She went to site after site, reading avidly but resisting the urge to take notes. One night, she was reading one section and she looked at her fingers and wriggled them experimentally. A red flush of lust shot through her body when she thought of doing that to Lena.

Stef looked around as her heart beat wildly. Good G-d was that normal? She was practically dizzy with need. She took a deep breath. That was enough for tonight. She turned of the computer and went to take a shower.

The next night, Stef followed a link only to find she was at an adult toy store. It was both tantalizing and terrifying. Did Lena have any of these toys? Would she want to use them their first night? How did you put that one on? Was that one even safe? Stef clicked one tentatively, trying to see it from all angles. She was seriously worried now. What if Lena wanted to use one of these things? She was going to look completely stupid if she didn't know how to use the damn thing. Dispiritedly she clicked off the computer and went to her room. She lay on the bed, gazing at the shadows on the ceiling. She turned to look at the clock beside her bed. It was only 10:30. She would probably still be up. Stef found Lena's number on her phone and pressed it.

"Hi," the voice was warm with surprise and pleasure.

"Hi," Stef sank back into her pillows. "How are you doing?"

"Fine. How was your day?"

"Good," Stef adjusted the pillows until she was comfortable and leaned back again. "I missed you," she said into the silence. "I mean, that's why I called. I just wanted to hear your voice."

Lena chuckled. "Wow, mushy already. I did choose the right woman."

Stef felt herself melt a little. "Yeah. I…Yeah."

Lena laughed again. "When am I going to see you again?"

Stef plucked at her shirt nervously. It was now or never. "Um. Friday maybe? Brandon's going to stay overnight with his dad and I thought…I thought…" she trailed off, feeling stupid.

"That would be really nice," said Lena quietly.

Stef breathed deeply, excited and nervous at the same time.

"Do you want to have dinner at my house or yours…or maybe go out.." asked Lena leadingly, trying to get a better grasp on their plans.

Stef felt herself go blank for a minute. Would it be better at her place? It was her home turf. But what if Lena wanted to use the equipment. She had no equipment! All she had was scented oil and lube.

Sensing her turmoil, Lena interjected softly, "I'd really love to cook for you again. I have a new recipe I wanted to try, and I just stocked up."

Was she being nice? Did that phrase have a double meaning? Stef felt a headache beginning to form. Overthinking. She was overthinking way too much. "Sure, I'd love that. I'll bring wine. Any preference?"

"A Chardonnay would go great with the food."

"Okay," Stef nodded even though she knew Lena couldn't see her. "I'll get that."

Lena's yawn broke the comfortable silence. "I had better get to bed. I have a staff meeting tomorrow. Good night Stef."

"Good night Lena. I love you." Although it wasn't the first time she said these words, the thrill of saying them hadn't diminished.

"I love you too Stef." There was another pause and Stef was about to say goodnight again, when she heard Lena speak. "Oh, and Stef-"

"Yeah?"

"Don't worry about bringing pajamas." The phone clicked off to the sound of her girlfriend's sweet laughter.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

If Wilson had been a braver man, he would have ribbed Stef for her moodiness on Friday. She alternated between giddiness and snapping his head off. Knowing that she would probably eviscerate him, he refrained from asking if it was that time of the month. He had sisters, he wasn't stupid.

Stef knew she was kind of acting like a maniac but she couldn't help it. Thinking of Lena had become too distracting so she started making lists in her head instead. That helped for awhile but when the lists started being about Lena, she gave up. She was incredibly happy when the day was over.

When she got home she showered assiduously, taking the time to rub sweet smelling amber on her wrists and after a pause of thoughtful contemplation, her neck. Paused again, and put some on her inner thighs. Slutty or sexy? It was academic now. She chose her outfit with care, put on a little make-up, then brushed her hair until it fell like soft gold over her shoulders.

Tentatively, she stuck the oil in her purse, hoping that Lena didn't have an allergy or something. She wished she had asked but it was really hard to fit that question into causal conversation.

She relaxed a little when she reached Lena's house. This at lest, was familiar. She put her stuff on the same hook she always did, and kissed Lena in greeting, as she always did. Neither of them remarked that this kiss lasted longer than most and the little frisson of energy that sparked between them burned steadily.

"Can I help with anything?" asked Stef, following Lena to the kitchen after they had exchanged compliments.

"Sure. I could use some help with chopping," said Lena, taking a moment to stir a bubbling pot.

Stef found the knife in it's familiar spot and began chopping the onions, green peppers, and slivers of mushrooms. They made small talk. Stef tried to insert her usual humor but it felt a little manic so she stopped. Lena took a moment to rub her shoulders comfortingly, and Stef relaxed a bit more, recalling a funny story from when she was a rookie cop and ended up chasing a drunken frat boy across a roof. Lena laughed and rolled her eyes in all the right places. Even with the smell of the food, Stef could smell the light perfume Lena had dabbed on. She longed to get closer and breath a lungful of it, but she restrained herself.

When they sat down to eat, the candlelight flickered pleasantly. Lena approved of the wine, of which Stef was ridiculously pleased, and the meal was up to Lena's usual standards of perfection.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" asked Lena, when the supper was done and they had cleaned up, swinging the dishrag casually in one hand.

"Sure. Got any horror flicks?" she asked teasingly. Lena hated horror movies, pretty much any horror movies but sometimes could be coaxed into watching some of the older Hitchcockian types.

Lena gave her a playful shove. "Uh-huh. They're next to the Die Hard Trilogy, behind the Adam Sandler movies."

Stef grinned back, "You're such a movie snob."

"It's called taste, sweetheart."

Warmth flushed through Stef's body. It wasn't the first time Lena had used an endearment, but she tended to use them more sparingly and it always made Stef's heart clench a little when she used them. "You're loss," she said, trying to sound casual.

They settled on Lena's spotless red leather couch, a far cry from Stef's ugly, brown, kid-stained, pleather monstrosity. Stef was the first to put her arm around Lena but Lena was the one that snuggled into her. Stef spent enough time watching Lena that she lost some of the plot line in the movie. It was one of those ridiculously complicated movies Lena liked so much but whenever she joked about it being to much for her, Lena would give her a lecture about how she was smarter then she pretended to be.

Stef decided there wasn't any light that Lena did not look good in. The woman was a goddess in earthly form. Truly. Stef used one finger to trail down Lena's forearm. Lena was absolutely adamant about using lotion every night. When Stef had asked her about it she had rolled her eyes and muttered something about mothers. Stef made a mental note to write Mrs. Adams a thank you note as she continued the move her finger up and down her lover's arm. Lena must not have been as into the movie as she looked because her eyes flickered momentarily to the side and she let out a breath. The light was low so they both felt pretty comfortable letting their hands roam first over their clothing, then under.

Stef was impressed, as usual, when Lena managed to unsnap her bra using only one hand. "You've got to show me how to do that," she said enviously.

"The same way you get to Carnegie Hall," said Lena with a wicked smirk.

Hmmm. This might actually be a good time to – "How many women have you slept with," Stef blurted out before her brain had a chance to choke her nerve.

Lena leaned back a little, but continued to let her hands roam softly. "A few."

"But, how many is-"

Lena stopped her by placing a single finger across her lips. "It doesn't matter how many women I've been with. It doesn't matter who you've been with. We're here. Right now. In this moment. The first time with someone, is still the first time."

Stef stared at Lena's dark, brown eyes, trying to read everything within them. "Okay," she said quietly.

"Okay," Lena nodded and leaned in to kiss her deeply.

This was familiar and frankly, one of Stef's favorite activities, so the kiss went on a long time - only to lead to more kisses. Stef let her forehead rest on Lena's for a moment, breathing hard from exertion and the force of her desire. "You're the first woman I've been with," she whispered her fear. "I want it to be good for you. I don't want it to be awkward."
Lena stroked her face, her voice intensifying without getting louder. "Don't be embarrassed Stef. Don't let that take away from this. Just relax. I'll tell you what I like. You tell me what you like. Think of it as…taking on a new partner. You've got to get to know each other before you find a rhythm."

Stef laughed a little, most of her tension leeching from her body. "Yeah. Okay. I get it. No need to resort to cop talk. Next thing you'll be telling me we have a 10-66 or something."

Lena's smile was full of promise as she grabbed Stef's hand and began leading her to the bedroom, letting loose clothing fall carelessly to the floor. By the time they reached the bed, she was nearly naked and so was Stef. Stef shivered a little, either from the breeze through the open window Lena insisted on at night, or fear. Lena moved closer, then pushed her gently to a seated position on the bed. Then she straddled one of Stef's legs, and continued to kiss her, rubbing herself leisurely on Stef's thigh. Stef let her hands get lost in Lena's hair as she responded. Lena pushed her down, until she lay on her back. Lena rested on her side, letting her fingers trail lightly across Stef's bare stomach. Stef shivered again when those fingers traveled down to her inner thighs, then brushed lightly against the apex. Stef let out a breathy moan and reached for Lena. Lena let herself be held momentarily, but then went back to her sweet torment. By the time Lena lay over her, Stef was crazy with want. When she tried to touch Lena in return, she was repeatedly distracted by those wandering, delightful fingers. When Lena finally touched her where she needed her most, Stef was unable to restrain a sigh of pleasure and fulfillment.

By the end of the night, Stef had lost any embarrassment and hesitancy. Amidst some giggles and occasional gracelessness, they had discovered several new intriguing things about one another. Lena promised that there would be many new discoveries.

As Lena breathed deeply in slumber, Stef let her hands run across her skin, skimming over love marks and sweat covered skin to gently roll her thumb over the Lena's breast. Lena shifted in her sleep, wrapping herself more tightly around her lover. Stef kissed her forehead, then let her lips ghost slightly across Lena's in sweet satisfaction.