Nate scouted up ahead of the rest and was happy for the solitude. One more minute of having to look at her, and he swore he was going to lose his mind. He had a thousand thoughts raging through his mind, and not one of them was pleasant.
He felt like Loghain had been trying to whore him out to service his lady while he was gone.
That, compounded on the half-arsed answers he'd been given about the nature of his father's treason was entirely more than Nate knew how to deal with. He thought of himself as a simple creature, practical and sensible and not given to flights of fancy. But only the day before he'd had rather few about his Commander. Of course, Loghain's words had the opposite effect Nate assumed he intended.
It felt like a pitcher of snow melt had been poured down the front of his armor. Nothing like feeling like a dog begging for scraps to turn a man's libido into dust.
As they approached the Blackmarsh, an uneasy feeling washed over him. It wasn't darkspawn; he'd learned that particular queasy sensation early. It was something else, something wobbly in the air that made the tiny hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He stopped short and leaned up against a gnarled tree, waiting for the others to catch up. There was no immediate threat for him to report, only this unsettling sensation. And it was something he figured a mage would be more apt to understand than he did.
He almost expected to hear jovial voices as they came closer, finally appearing in the distance like wraiths through the mist. But there was no joy on those faces. Even Anders looked as pale as milk, and Kya was fairing little better beside him. Her eyes were huge, and she looked utterly on edge.
"See anything?" she asked quietly once they came close. Nate shook his head silently, still not trusting himself to speak.
"Well," Kya said, "That's something."
"That's bullshit," Anders added. "What in the Black City is that? It's making me feel like my breakfast is going to jump ship."
Kya shook her head. Nate watched as she scanned the tree line, her eyes narrowed as she tried to focus through the fog. He watched her neck move as she swallowed and he looked away quickly once he caught himself staring.
"Nate?" she asked, and he turned back to look at her, almost surprised that she'd reverted to using his nickname again. Apparently she was even more rattled than she looked. Nate was not pleased to see it – a frightened mage was nothing to trifle with.
"What?" he snapped, harsher than he intended. Business was at hand, there was no time for him to behave like a child.
Kya sighed. "Look," she said. "I don't know what your problem is, but you best leave it behind, right now. If this is what I think it is, we're in . . . . we're in deep shit."
"Of course, Commander," he replied with a surprising lack of sarcasm. Kya raised an eyebrow and looked amazed. Nate managed to keep a straight face, since he couldn't decide whether to be irritated or amused. Luckily they canceled each other out into a completely blank expression.
"Anyway," she said, clearing her throat. "As I was saying. You grew up here, what's the deal with this place?"
"Well, my father used to tell me stories about the Blackmarsh," Nate said.
"Your father told you stories?" Kya replied, looking surprised again.
Nate scowled, but only a little. "He was a regular father, once," he said with irritation. "I'm sure it's completely impossible to believe."
Kya gave him a sad smile. "I have no problem with believing the impossible."
The look in her eyes chilled Nate right down to his bones. He tried to attribute it to the eerie feeling of the marsh and the mist, but he knew that was a lie. The little hairs stood up on the back of his neck again. It occurred to him that she had seen more things in the last year than he'd ever even imagined in his worst nightmares. There was a darkness behind her pale eyes that he hadn't noticed before; perhaps it wasn't even there before. Since Loghain's quick arrival and departure, she seemed different.
Or maybe he was just looking at her differently now.
Nate cleared his throat, realizing he'd paused for too long and had been staring like an idiot.
"My father said evil magic killed everyone here. This was just before the rebellion; a great mystery at the time. They never found out what happened here. Once the monsters appeared, the marsh was abandoned," he explained, keeping his voice low. It seemed like too much noise might attract attention. Of course, what sort of attention, he had no idea.
"I wonder if it's a fairy tale," Kya commented off-handedly. "But most of those stories have some basis in reality." She got that strange, faraway look again. "Well, whether it's true or not, it's not much to go on. I guess we'll just have to see for ourselves." She sighed. "And hopefully find Kristoff and not his corpse."
She looked unconvinced, but he nodded in agreement. She started walking, but moved slowly and woodenly. He let her take a few steps ahead, until he noticed Anders sidle up alongside him. The mage gave him a look, then gestured with his head toward Kya who was still moving away slowly.
When Nate just stared at him, Anders frowned.
"She won't talk to me," Anders said, this time fully able to keep his voice down. "And something is wrong. She's going to get herself – us – killed if she keeps this up."
"What do you want me to do about it?" Nate replied sharply, but still following Anders' example and whispering.
"Are you completely stupid?" Anders sighed.
Nate closed his eyes and opened them again, resigned. "Fine," he said. "I'll talk to her, but it isn't going to help." He felt a hollow ache in his chest as he continued. "I'm not him."
"Well, you're all we've got," Anders replied, jerking his head in her direction again.
Nate gave the mage a blistering look, but conceded and took off after her. It wouldn't take many of his long-legged steps to catch up to her, moving as slowly as she was. But he found himself hesitating. Whatever craziness had been running through his addled mind before, he knew better now.
He'd come home to the Vigil to kill her. It was only guilt over that making him see things that were not there. Guilt and too long since he'd been with a woman. That was all. Kya was his commander, and if he needed to talk sense into her to keep her from getting them killed . . . that was reasonable. Anything else, anything Loghain insinuated was beyond insulting. He wasn't some whore to warm her bed in place of something better.
As if she'd even want such a thing.
He had a scathing retort all worked out in his head when he managed to catch up with her. Kya glanced over at him and for just a moment, that strange glaze in her eyes cleared. Nate completely forgot what he was going to say.
"I used dream of coming to the Blackmarsh and setting things right," he blurted out. "Little boy dreams." He immediately regretted it once it was out of his mouth, but then felt a bit better when instead of a sharp reply, Kya managed a little half smile. It was the closest thing to a genuine expression he'd seen from her since they'd left the keep that afternoon. It also had the distinct effect of negating the ice water he thought had put down his attraction to her. He felt somewhat like a piece of iron flake being drawn to a lodestone. He wasn't entirely sure he liked it, either.
"That's . . . sweet," she replied. A bit of volume was in her voice then, like she'd finally managed to take a complete breath. "And you are here now."
"So it seems," he said. "I would have never imagined it."
"Stick around; this sort of thing happens all the time," she said. There was a call in the distance that caught her attention, a nighthawk or some other bird making a shrill shriek. Nate watched with entirely too much interest as she looked away and shivered.
"I . . ." Nate started, but then stopped when she turned back to look at him. He'd seen that look before. That expression of feeling completely alone in the world; like the ground had been ripped out from under her feet and she had no idea where she might land. He knew it well. He saw it on his own face, mixed with rage, reflected in the windows of the Vigil when he snuck his way in to end the Commander.
That was when he'd changed his mind, and only wanted a few things to remember his lost life by. And even that had been a lie. He would have turned right around and headed back to the Free Marches if his pride hadn't insisted he do something after all the trouble he took avoiding patrols to get there.
Kya looked away again, either bothered by his own conflicted expression or too caught up in her own thoughts to even notice. Either way, he knew Anders had a point. If she didn't snap out of it, they were all dead. He reached out and gingerly put his hand on her shoulder.
"Hey," he said. "I . . . I don't know what you are going through, but . . . you have to be here now. Or we are in some seriously sodding, as you said, deep shit."
Kya blinked at him, but she was actually looking at him this time, not through him. She sighed.
"I know," she said. She swallowed and took a deep breath. "I won't . . . I'll not . . . ." She couldn't seem to finish a sentence.
"Look," he said, squeezing her shoulder before letting his hand drop again. "You need to be a Grey Warden now. The rest of this will have to wait. And . . . ," he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "I'll have a drink with you once we get back, and we can talk about it then."
She looked surprised, but oddly pleased. "I didn't expect that,"she said. "To have you lecture me about being a Warden, or . . . ." She only finished her sentence by smiling, but it seemed to do the job well enough.
She squared her shoulders and called Anders up to join them, quickly starting to talk about the veil and other mage things Nate couldn't really follow. But her face had its normal animation again. Anders gave Nate a quick, knowing look before focusing on Kya again.
Nate let himself fall behind just a bit, watching them. What he couldn't understand was why he couldn't still hate her. He'd managed to hate her easily before he'd even known more than her name. But now he was completely unable to even snap at her, for more than a quick moment like he had that morning.
And he only managed it then because he was so damned jealous he could hardly think straight.
Nate realized that what he needed more than anything was a cheap tavern wench, or maybe a long afternoon by himself behind closed doors, or he was going to be the one getting them killed. He had no idea where this was all coming from. Kya was a Grey Warden, his Commander, not to mention a mage, and in love with Loghain Mac Tir, even if he was gone now. She was certainly an attractive woman, but far from the most beautiful, or even the type of woman he'd ever wanted.
Nate used to dream about a pretty, demure thing with yellow hair and a belly full of the next in the Howe line. She'd be a prim and proper lady, the perfect wife of a noble – even though he knew his brother would be the Arl, and not him - he still imagined himself in his father's chair. And he'd be a knight, a hero . . . but instead he was a thief and a Grey Warden. And Kya was not that lady. She was far more of a hero than he'd ever be, and far more a warrior than a lady.
So much forlittle boy dreams.
Loghain had told him not to be a fool. At the time, it seemed clear that he meant to not be a fool and miss out. But perhaps he had meant the opposite. He might have been warning him to stay away - either from what Loghain thought was his, or from something he knew Nate wouldn't be able to handle. Kya was a blood mage after all, and Nate had heard they could do strange things. But then again, Nate had not seen her even make the slightest attempt at controlling him or anyone else. So all his staring and stupidity was all his own fault.
Apparently, he wasn't listening and he was a fool.
One way or the other.