"Collected Drabbles"

by JVM-SP150

ONLINE (Cartman/Wendy)

She's ON Again

I logged on to AIM as usual. No problem there. I looked through my friends list - lovestospooge, kyleisgood11, faps2much, sonotfrench, hellokitty13, screwyou12, and lilmissperfect were on. Wait, what? I looked it over... Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Pip, Butters...Oh Jesus, it's her...She's ON Again...Wendy...Crap, what will I ask her? If I say 'Hi' it could be too nice, and I haven't messaged her before, she's not on alot...'Hello'...Oh fuck no, that's too informal...'Hey'...no that's too rude...Fuck...

What to ask her about? The Election...No, no, I know she voted Obama...what about...No, no, she's against that...I could ask her about...no wait she stopped liking that show ages ago...homework...no she's in advanced classes now...I can't insult her she could just call her parents in, too risky...Godammit, what am I supposed to say to her?

I can't talk to her. That's just it, I can't... I'll say something I shouldn't... She'll be creeped out, I haven't even spoken to her online before...Oh, but if I don't, I'll want to kill myself later like always... Dammit... What do I do? What the hell do I do? I have to say SOMETHING, but what can I say? Dammit Kyle, once again you were right!

...

Oh, Stan messaged me: "hey cartman wutz up" I type back my reply: "hey stan nuthin much". Okay, this is going okay. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I can message Wendy. Oh Jesus, but what if - oh crap is she logging of? No, no, the alert's just telling me coffeeftw - that's Tweek - logged on. Phew. "hey stan howz wend?" I ask casually.

"wtf u wanna know?2"

Crap, he's on to me... I have to play it sneaky. "cause im bored and id rather listen to you talk about ur hippie girlfriend" I message back. I wait for his reply and stare at her icon. Dammit, why must I be tortured like this? Do you enjoy this God, do you enjoy seeing me squirm at being in love with a girl I can never have?

"f-u fatass shes fine"

"oh okay"

Dammit. Don't panic man, you can message her. You can do it. Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. Your arms are just flailing around like insane because you're bored. Shit, your panicking! Get a grip on yourself! You're Eric Cartman! You're not going to let a little ho control you! I put my arms down in a sigh. It's no use. She's driving me mad, I just know it.

I spin my chair around and decide to play a game, but my mouse moves towards the little AIM icon... No, No...DAMMIT...I'm torturing myself. I want to message her so fucking badly...No...Must not...Yes, I didn't click...Phew, at least I have a little sense left. I have to find something to distract myself...Ummm...ummm...Dammit, where did Kenny go? He logged off. Fuck. Stan? Oh, he's Away.

"hi eric"

Dammit, it's Butters.

"hey leopald wuzzup"

"wuts that mean eric?"

"it means 'what is up'"

"oh"

I scoff at Butters' stupidity. He's such an idiot. I look at her name again. The little icon is just mocking me 'HAHA YOU WANNA CLICK ME DON'T YOU!' I hit myself. I'm an idiot. I'm a moron. I'm a stupid, unlikable fatass. No wait, I'm not fat. I'm big boned. She's just a stupid hippie. Why do I care?

Because I love her.

I hit myself again. No. I'm Eric fuckin Cartman, I don't love no hippie. Stan loves her. I glance over at my AIM panel again. She's still on. Kenny's back. What the hell is with the alerts not popping up tonight?

"hey kinny" I message him.

"o hay cman" he messages me.

"kinny i has a problem"

"you mean ur spelling?"

There was a long angry pause before I typed back: "no wai dumbass...its a girl"

"CARTMAN LIKES A GIRL HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA"

Asshole.

"I dunt know wat to ask her, dude."

"Ask her how she's doing."

"no wai dude ive never msged her before"

There was a pause before Kenny finally typed back "wait" and then quickly after "is she a cyberfriend or is it actually someone?"

"no wai dude i dont go for pedos!11"

"dude cyberfriends arent anything 2 b ashamed of, i talk to a girl online all the time."

"wuts she think of ur sex jokes?"

There was a long pause before his simple reply came - "fuck u, fatass"

"srsly, i need your help for once, dude"

There was another pause before he replied, "*sigh* ok dude ill help you"

"thnks"

He added "hey u know what i hate? when ppl write stuff and use like chats n shit so they can b lazy about it"

"shut up and help me kinny,"

"fine fine...who is it?"

"im not telling u"

"its Wendy isnt it?"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

"no it isnt"

"yes it is"

I sighed. There was no arguing with Kenny 'faps2much' McCormick "fine fine it is, ok? just plz dont tell"

"i wont dude." he said. A reply came a minute later, "so she likes political stuff. did u try the election?"

"she already voted obama i know"

"oh." there was a pause, "hold on a sec"

"KINNY NO!" I yelled out loud. My mother walked into the room carrying some cookies,

"Is something wrong, hon?"

"No, mam, I'm fiane," I tell her as she walks away. I go back to my torture.

"a'ight, i talked to her i didnt say anything abotu u dont worry" Kenny replied.

"good," I typed back. "wut did she say u poor piece of shit?"

"stfu" came his message. "shes bored"

"oh" I typed, "what did u say though?"

"i said 'hey wendy' and she said 'Hi Kenny' with a little red smilie" he wrote, then he added, "and i asked 'how are yaz' and she said 'Fine. Just a bit bored. How are you?' and i said 'im good'"

"oh. i suppose i should go msg her." I typed.

"yeah," Kenny replied. I sighed, closed my eyes, then the window, then clicked Wendy's name. Just as I typed 'hello-'

'lilmissperfect has logged off'

"OH GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!" I yell out, grabbing the monitor and throwing it into the wall as my torture was ended in the worst way possible. I cringe, then yell, "MAAAM?"

"Yes hun?"

"The computer commited suicide."

"Well, I guess Eduardo will have to make two house calls tonight."

After a long pause, I looked at my mother - "What?"