Author's note - Warning - profanity!

Lucas had been expecting something like this.

In truth, injured or not, Lucas was always expecting something like this. His parents had tried to get rid of him every chance they had, and even though he had really believed for a time that Captain Bridger had a real affection for him during their first tour together, he had been distant with him during the reconstruction of the second seaQuest. Although Lucas hadn't wanted to admit it, he had been a lot like Lucas' father - working hard, distracted, no time to spare for Lucas. Lucas had tried not to mind The destruction of the first seaQuest was caused by his father, and Lucas felt guilty as a result; but when they returned for their second tour something was - indefinably - different. There were other people to claim his attention, and Captain Bridger wanted to be a father figure to everyone, not just Lucas. With Tony and Dagwood also on the boat, Bridger wanted to include everyone in his new 'family' and Lucas started to feel, well, pushed to the side again. What was that saying, a friend to all is a friend to none? Well, it seemed that a father to all was a father to none. Bridger had less time for him. There were less cozy chats in his quarters, fewer displays of affection. Sure, Lucas was older, but he was still only seventeen, and he missed the way things had been.

When he met Sandra, it had seemed like a golden opportunity. For once, he could be the one making the break - he could leave first. He didn't have to wait and worry about the time when the Captain would decide that he didn't want him on the boat anymore.

But Sandra didn't want him either. He was just her passport to seaQuest.

And then there was Hyperion. When Bridger had made him leave the boat, just him and Dagwood. Everyone else could stay, but he had to leave. And no matter how much Bridger had argued that it was for his own good, he never quite believed it. It felt like a metaphor for his whole life. Everyone else together on the boat with him outside in a life raft. At least he'd had Dagwood for company.

When they got back, everything was different again, but to Lucas it felt like more of the same. He'd found the captain again, but the captain didn't want him anymore. He should have guessed - after all, Bridger hadn't tried to find him, even though the sudden reappearance of Lucas Wolenczak was all over the news. The captain had a new 'lost boy' to play father figure with, and he didn't have time for Lucas anymore.

Lucas felt as though he died the day the Bridger left. Standing on the deck, hearing for the first time with everybody else that Captain Bridger was leaving and never coming back. It was a physical pain in him, a tightness in his chest, he would have sworn he could feel his heart break into a million pieces as he stood there and tried to keep the mask of good humor on his face. Even at the grand old age of eighteen, he had to clench his jaw until it hurt to stop himself from crying with despair when the captain - his Captain - had left without a backward glance. Not a hug. Not even a private word.

The only explanation he had was that one cruel, dismissive sentence uttered in front of everybody else. 'My life is filled with so much more now'. The cruelty of that had ricocheted in his brain ever since. It didn't just end their relationship now, it casually negated everything that had gone before, that apparently hadn't been enough. Just too shallow and inconsequential. After all, he wasn't family.

'My life is filled with so much more now'. Well, fuck you too, Lucas thought, fuck you too.

So he signed on for military service. Four whole years, nobody could get rid of him before that.

Or so he had thought.

And now, here he was.

He didn't believe they would come back for him. Why would they? A wheelchair bound crewman would be no more use to them than a bedridden one, and he would be one or the other. It was a ridiculous idea. He wouldn't even be able to get into his quarters. No, this was the first step.

They would leave him at the hospital, and one assignment would turn into another, and there would never be a convenient moment to come back and retrieve him. He would be released from the hospital and have to try to start again somehow.

With no family, no friends, no job, no home and no knowledge of the world for the last ten years. Hell, even before they were taken to Hyperion he wasn't exactly worldly. He'd gone straight from the sheltered world of academia to the aptly named 'sequestered' seaQuest.

He'd be all alone.

More alone than he had ever been before. And he knew with a certainty that he couldn't bear that. It had always been his greatest fear, being unwanted. And now it had happened. He was going to be completely and utterly alone. No one in the raft with him this time, he thought. There was, finally, no one left.

And he knew what he would have to do.

After Jonathon left, a steady stream of visitors came to say goodbye. They all promised to try and complete their mission early so that they would back as soon as possible, and each time Lucas smiled, and said, yes, that would be great, he couldn't wait to see them again.

Tim looked miserable and uncomfortable. "None of us wanted to leave you, you know."

"I know," Lucas lied.

"It's just that orders are orders, and what else could we do? They were right, if anything happened you'd be in a dangerous position, you wouldn't be able to look after yourself."

"I know," Lucas said again, insincerely, "it's the best thing in the circumstances."

He could see that his friend felt bad, and none of this was his fault. "A hospital is the best place for me right now. I probably won't even notice, I'm so tired, I just want to sleep." That, at least, was true.

"We don't want you to think we're just dumping you." Trust the communications officer to be able to say what everyone was trying not to.

"No, I know," Lucas lied again. "I'll miss you though," he said, honest at last.

"I'll miss you too. We all will. Just try and get better while we're gone, okay?"

Lucas smiled affectionately. He really would miss Tim, he was his oldest friend. "Thanks. And take care yourself, okay?"

"I'll try."

Tim stood, ready to leave, and then bent down and hugged his friend. Lucas was surprised by the sudden display of affection from his usually dispassionate friend. His eyes suddenly filled with tears, and he hurriedly blinked them away.

"Bye, Tim."

Tony was next, simmering with anger. "We're gonna come back for you the minute we're done, you know that, right?"

"Sure, Tony," Lucas agreed.

Tony glared at him. "I may be stupid Lucas, but even I know you don't believe that."

Lucas looked down at his hands. "I believe you'd come back for me, Tony."

Tony knew what Lucas wasn't saying. "You just don't believe that the UEO will allow it."

"Why would they? Look at me."

Tony felt his anger rising once again. "This is bullshit! Bullshit!" He grabbed Lucas' face and made him look him in the eye. "We will come back for you, the captain won't leave you there, he won't."

The look in Lucas' eyes told him everything. Tony may have had complete faith in Captain Hudson, but Lucas hadn't. And the even if he had, the last captain Lucas had faith in had abandoned him, and he had thought of him as a son. Why would Hudson do more, when he felt less?

Tony sighed. He knew in that moment that he could not convince his friend. "We're coming back for you, Lucas. I promise, okay? You'll see."

Lucas smiled wearily. He was so tired. He wished he could sleep, but his time left on the boat was so precious he didn't want to waste a minute of it. "Okay," he conceded, "Thanks Tony."

The klaxon sounded and the order came, all hands on deck.

"I gotta go, okay?" He leaned over and hugged his friend, "But I'll be back...we all will!"

Dagwood came in last. Lucas had started to lightly doze, he was so tired. It took everything he had to force himself awake again.

"Hello Lucas."

Lucas smiled warmly at his friend. There was no point in making Dagwood feel bad, there was nothing he could do about any of this.

"Hey Dagwood."

"Everyone says you're going away, are you leaving seaQuest?"

"Yes Dagwood, I've got to go away."

"Are you sad?"

He avoided a direct answer. "It'll be a good chance for me to rest, I'm very tired," he said truthfully.

Dagwood looked ready to ask another question, but Lucas interrupted.

"Dagwood, would do something for me?"

"Sure, Lucas."

"Could you get me some paper - maybe a notepad - and a pen? Oh, and an envelope, a large one?"

"Sure, Lucas. Shall I get them now?"

"Yes please."

Dagwood returned a few minutes later with the requested items. Lucas looked around the med bay, they were alone.

"Could you help raise me up a little please, Dagwood?"

"Won't that hurt you?"

Lucas gave a wry smile. "Probably, but it's just a little. Just so I can write something, I can't write in this position. Could you put a pillow behind me?"

"Okay." Dagwood looked around and found another pillow. He gently placed one arm under Lucas' shoulders and raised him just enough to slip a pillow underneath. Despite the gentleness of the action, a wave of pain washed over Lucas that was so great he thought for a moment that he might pass out. He bit the inside of his lip hard enough to draw blood and dug his fingernails into his palms. Dagwood pushed the pillow beneath him, and the wash of pain lessened, leaving him shaking and nauseated. He swallowed back the nausea, trying not to let Dagwood see his discomfort.

"Water," he gasped.

Worriedly, Dagwood handed him the cup and helped to steady his hands while he drank.

"I'm sorry Lucas, did I do something wrong? Should I not have done that?"

"No, you did exactly right, thank you. I just need to write something." He paused. He didn't want to be alone now, not when he'd be losing everything so soon. "Will you stay with me Dagwood, while I write this? Would you mind?"

"Of course not Lucas, I'd be happy to stay. I'll just sit here."

"Thanks, Dagwood."

And he started to write.

In a little while, he was finished. He tore off the five pages he had just filled, and folded them into the envelope. He handed it to Dagwood.

"Dagwood..." How to put this so Dagwood would understand, but not comprehend? "If you hear that anything has happened to me, would you give this to Commander Ford?"

Dagwood looked worried. "Like what, Lucas?"

"Oh, I don't know," Lucas tried to smile. How could he say this, and yet not tell him anything? "Maybe I'll decide to go away and get some rest. I'm very tired, Dagwood, I want to rest." That was at least true. Lucas didn't like lying to Dagwood, it felt like taking advantage of him.

"Like a vacation?"

Lucas swallowed. "Something like that, yes."

"Okay." He took the envelope and put it in his pocket.

"And Dagwood? Would you say goodbye to Darwin for me? Tell him that I'll miss him, and I wish I could have said goodbye."

Dagwood nodded. Lucas wanted to do one more thing before he left. He gestured to the small cabinet beside him. "My things should be in that drawer, could you look for a small silver chain?"

Dagwood rummaged around in the drawer until he found it. "This?"

"Yes, that's the one." Lucas took it from him for a brief moment and looked at it. A lump came to his throat, and he felt tears again in his eyes. He blinked them away. "Captain Bridger gave this to me, it's a St. Christopher medal. He's the patron saint of travelers." He saw Dagwood's confusion. "It's meant to protect you from harm." He pushed away a thought that Bridger should have got his money back for that one. He tried not to think about the day Bridger had given it to him. "I'd like you to have it."

He pushed it into the daggers hand.

Dagwood looked at him, mouth agape. "For me? Why?"

"Because you're my friend and I wanted to say thank you."

"I'd be your friend anyway, and I don't have anything to give you."

"I know, I don't want anything. Just your company until you have to go. And I want you to have that. I want you to remember me when you wear it."

"Why would I forget you?"

"I don't know. People do forget." He tried not to think about the original giver of this gift, who had definitely forgotten him. "This way, you won't."

"Okay." He thought a moment. "Lucas?"

"Yes?"

"This place you want to vacation to?"

Lucas looked at him, wary. "Yes?"

"What's it like?"

Lucas paused for a minute, and looked at the St. Christopher in Dagwood's hands.

"It's a place where nothing hurts anymore."

And he closed his eyes.