Title: The Fundamentals of Family
Chapter Ten: Dead Man Adopting
"Is that… a normal occurrence around here?" Raito whispered as the two children still vying for his attention simply hung off parts of his body, looking scared as all hell.
"Have you met the other personnel around here?" Mail snickered as he turned off his gaming device and took in the spectacle before him about to happen. "They're actually the least crazy ones here. Imagine just what the other loonies are like before you judge those two. Trust me, compared to everybody else... they're like Mary-fucking-Poppins and her drugtastic brigade."
"Please tell me you're kidding." The brunette muttered out loud, for once hoping to be dashed in his delusions.
The three children stayed completely silent.
Raito sweat dropped rather pitifully.
"Of course you're not…"
"You know what, let's quit pussy-footing around!" Mihael threw down his chocolate bar (which in retrospect, took a lot of effort on his part) and pulled himself away from the brunette with the miraculous twitching eye. "Stop being such a jack-hole and just tell us who you're going to freaking ADOPT!"
"… … Dude, you need to work out those raging anger issues." Mail commented as he fixed his goggles, eyes narrowing behind the shield of orange-gold. "But, I have to agree with Shiva, here. Who are you taking home, pretty boy?"
"I don't… I don't know…" Raito sighed as he stared down at Nate's large dark eyes, silvery curls falling over his gaze as the boy gave him the cutest set of puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen in his life. "All of you have so many qualities I actually find endearing, and as much as I may hate to admit it, I actually like all of too much to just pick one of you…"
"So don't." Mail interrupted, his green eyes shimmering as he lifted up his goggles in a rare show of seriousness. "Believe it or not, but we all really like ya too, and I am a firm believer of the saying 'sharing is caring', my friend."
"Package deal, anyone?" Mihael quirked an eyebrow as he picked up his chocolate bar once again. "I think I'm cool with that… as long as that freaky albino midget doesn't give me his weirdo eyes while I'm sleeping, or I'm kicking some ass and taking some fucking names!"
Nate then proceeded to give Mihael such eyes.
"DAMN IT, WHY DOES EVERYONE SEEM TO LIVE OF PISSING ME THE HELL OFF?!"
"I'm gonna go off a limb here, but it might have something to do with the fact that it's pretty easy to piss you off anyway." Mail pulled down his goggles over his face once more, entering his 'sarcastic-mode' once again with a simple twitch of the wrist. "Really, I'm 99 percent sure that all a person has to do is exist, and you manage to get angry at the fact. Dude, how do you not have hemorrhoids?!"
Mihael shifted uncomfortably.
"… … … Uh… well, you see, about that…"
"DUDE!" Mail backed away from his best friend in disgust. "You know what? There are still some things in this world that should stay a secret, and whatever is underneath those pants or inside your rectum is one of them!"
"You asked!"
"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ANSWER! IN FACT, NO ANSWER WAS NECESSARY!"
"And you want me to live with this for who knows how long?" Raito scrunched up his brow as he knelt down on the floor, mocha-brown eyes narrowed in thought. "I want you guys, but I would also like to keep my sanity whilst I'm at it."
"We won't be bad!" Mihael suddenly burst out, hands madly waving in the air (the chocolate bar had somehow mysteriously disappeared within the boy's mouth unknowingly).
"We'll be perfect angels!" Mail added in, goggles bouncing up and down on his face in delight.
"Raito-daddy will be pleased with out behavior!" Nate smiled cutely (with a slight tinge of creepy, if truth be told) at the older man as the boys gathered around Raito's legs as if they were some sort of bonfire.
"I LOVE CHEESE!" A random child crept into their conversation, making the other three sweat drop as the boy's gathered around Raito's legs.
Mihael then proceeded to viciously punch him in the face before kicking him off to the side.
"Like we were saying…" The blonde coughed as if nothing had even occurred.
Raito sighed once again.
"I don't know…" Raito fidgeted with his fingers as the boys smiled as widely as humanly possible, their dewy eyes dripping with childhood innocence.
'More like future childhood delinquency…'
"Do these look like faces that would lie to you?" Mail inquired as Nate and Mihael nodded emphatically in agreement.
"… … Yes. I am completely and utterly sure that you three would totally lie to my face and enjoy doing so." Raito felt his lips twitch in amusement as the boy's faces seemed to simultaneously drop. "But…"
"WELL?!"
"Let's talk conditions, and then we'll see."
"YES!"
"Yay!"
"That's what I'm talking about!"
"… … I STILL LOVE CHEESE!"
SMACK!
"People these days…" Mihael muttered as Raito sweat dropped.
"We're really going to have to work on that, Mihael… really."
"So…" Quillsh grinned enigmatically as he shuffled strewn papers across his spacious desk, his glasses glinting peculiarly against the dying rays of sunlight pouring over from behind him. "I have some questions about the paperwork that you both filled out and sent to us, Ryuuzaki-san."
"Yes…"
"I'll be quite frank, none of this information seems to lead me to anywhere. In fact," The older caretaker nearly snorted as L blinked innocently, his large dark eyes rounding out his lean pale face rather cutely. "I'd have to say that your lack of personal history are the only thing hindering this adoption."
"Lack of…?" Taking a page out of Aizawa's Book of Ultimate Secrets and Fantastic Afrolicious Hair-Styles™, L said as little as possible, he himself one hundred percent sure that all of his resources were sound and reliable.
Just so that he wouldn't fall into this trap, he had personally alerted all of his contacts and re-named all of his files so that when the orphanage attempted to arraign his information, nothing would fall short.
It seemed, however, there was just a tiny snag in the plan…
"So, you're really going to play this game with me, aren't you?"
L felt his eye twitch as his lips unnoticeably quirked downwards, his expression devoid of any emotion whatsoever as Quillsh continued to eye him with both resolve and amusement.
"What game?"
'Thank you Aizawa, for your penchant for blinding people senseless with both your afro and vague answers.'
"I guess that's a yes then."Quillsh Whammy leaned forward as the smile still lingering on his lips barely softened in the slightest. "So tell me, what year were you born?"
"1979."
"What's your favorite color?"
"Blue."
"Do you like sweets?"
"Of course. Only someone as anal as Raito-kun would hate sweets."
"Do you have any siblings?"
"Not that I know of."
"Any illegitimate or legitimate children that your lover doesn't know about?"
"… Again, not that I know of."
"If you could switch places with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
"Willy Wonka, of course."
Quillsh sweat dropped.
"… … I meant a real person."
L's eyes watered up in faux-innocence as he chewed his thumb.
"You mean there is no Willy Wonka?! Next you'll tell me there isn't a Santa Claus or an Easter Bunny either!" L then deadpanned as his voice became characteristically devoid of all emotion. "Woe is me."
"Err… right…"
"You may continue."
"Thank you for your permission." Quillsh snapped sarcastically. "Now… how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"A hell of a lot of wood, sir. A hell of a lot of wood. Although I suppose it also depends on the amount of wood the woodchuck had to chuck as well…"
"Very true." Quillsh snarked. "Now, are you a fan of Coldplay?"
"… … … Why?"
"Good answer. Do you hear strange noises or voices at night?"
"Does this include moaning and groaning, along with the sound of say, chains jingling within the dark?"
"Uh…"
"…"
"… … Let's just… get to the next question, shall we? When was the last time you held a job?"
"I am currently employed."
"Doing what?"
"… … Doing it with your mom." L muttered, his frustration boiling over at this point.
"Excuse me?"
"I said I work with lawyers who are the bomb. What else would I have said?"
"I'm sure that's exactly what you said." Quillsh retorted, eyes narrowing in unnatural anger. "So, while you're answering my questions, why don't you answer the most important one of them all?"
"Which is?"
"Why are you really here?"
"To adopt, of course." L blinked as the older man picked up a piece of paper and stared down at it with incredulous eyes.
"Are you sure about that."
"Why else would I be at an orphanage?" L deadpanned, wanting to smack this man over the head for asking such stupid questions. "To submit myself as a potential orphan-in-disguise?"
"I do not pretend to understand sick minds."
Head-Slam!
"You're enjoying this all a little too much, aren't you?" L mumbled against the wooden surface of the desk his forehead was now resting upon, missing the quirk of Quillsh's head as he nearly laughed at the poor man sitting rather pitifully in front of him.
"Oh, I must admit, I am enjoying this more than a person probably should be enjoying this kind of entertainment, but that's all irrelative. It's my job to make sure that these children are in safe and secure hands, and quite frankly, Ryuuzaki-san, absconding the truth from me is not going to get your lover the child he wants." Quillsh responded in kind, patting him on the head like a dog. "How would you feel if I had to tell Yagami-san that he could not adopt one or more of these children because you were too selfish to simply tell the truth?"
L could already feel the fight drain out of him as he thought of the look on Raito's face if such thing were to be said.
That, and the ass-whooping that would occur once Raito had pulled himself together and united all of his anger on one singular person; him.
"Look, Mr. Dumbledore Jr.," L finally felt the last of his self-control finally snap as the smile on Quillsh's face seemed to now burn with sadistic delight. "I do not know what it is you wish to extract from me, but I can only give you the information that you already have. I do not know what it is you are trying to pinpoint on me."
"I had a feeling you would say something like that to me." Quillsh smirked as he opened one of his many drawers and pulled out a large (and very familiar, oh god, that thing was supposed to have burned years ago, WHY DID THE MAN WITH THE CREEPY MUSTACHE HAVETHATINHISDESK?!) folder from within it and dropped the stack onto his desk, the name L Lawliet written as plain as day on the top tab. "I am quite sure that if Namikawa Reiji were alive today, he would have a different story to tell, but seeing as he passed away a few years back, I am going to have to rely on my own memory as to when you were a child and your name was still L Lawliet."
Staring at the thick folder, L felt his hands clench against his lap. "How…?"
"You really don't remember me, do you?" Quillsh pushed the folder aside as he perused the younger man up and down, somehow taken aback by the bewildered artist's astonishment. "Well, it was such a long time ago, and I do not blame you for wishing to forget about such places now that you have loved one's and a family you are trying to build. You were only in our orphanage for such a short time before you were passed along by one of my lazier predecessors without me knowing."
"But… how… I lived in…"
"I actually moved around from place to place before opening up this orphanage five years ago." Quillsh grinned as he gave his office a trailing glance. "It's just such a surprise to see you grown and ready to start a family of your own! I didn't fully recognize you at first, but when you came in earlier, I just knew it had to be you. Luckily, I had managed to grab your folder from one of the past orphanages and have it sent over a week ago just to make doubly sure. Really, who would have thought you would be coming to me for a child or children of your own?!"
"I'm sorry, it's just… I still don't really remember you, though I'm sure it's just as ironic as you're describing…?" L simply shrugged as the older of the two laughed genially at the 31-year-old, looking a bit more amiable than before.
"It's quite alright, I honestly didn't expect you to." Quillsh handled the folder with care as he placed it back within his desk. "But I am obligated to tell you that I refuse to place this adoption under a pseudonym of any form, no matter what the reason. Whatever child Yagami-san may come to choose should now just what life they may be guaranteed in calling one or both of you father."
"… I suppose you are correct." The dark-haired anonymous artist consented, feeling a bit of the tension that had bad been bubbling up within his core seep from his bones in a form of fluidity. "Yet if I am to be completely truthful…"
"Yes?"
L sighed before shaking his head and standing up. "I suppose it is nothing. Though I must ask, now that you know who wishes to adopt one of your own children-"
"Do you expect me to somehow oppose this adoption, knowing what I do?" Quillsh smiled once more, this one much gentler than the last. "I wish for all of my children to find happy loving homes, and I believe that between both yourself and Yagami-san, you will both be able to provide as much to whomever you choose to take in as your own. Now, why don't you go find your partner and speak to him for a bit before making a new appointment with my receptionist for a couple of weeks from today. I think that the both of you will need some time to really… adjust to whatever decision you may have to make, and take in what I have said in serious consideration as well."
L nodded before awkwardly smiling over at the still-grinning man perched behind the rather large desk between them, and walking out of the office with a small spring in his step. Nodding over at the receptionist, L had little to no time to blink before a blur of black and blonde rushed past him and into the office he had been occupying not two seconds before.
"I SO DO NOT HAVE INSECURITY ISSUES, I'M JUST SENSITIVE, YOU DOUCHE-BAG!"
"So says the guy running around an orphanage shouting like a little girly-boy on their period! YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS THERAPY, YOU FLAMING HOOR!"
"THIS COMING FROM THE POSTER CHILD OF FUCKED-UP ISSUES AND DOLLY-FETISHES! SHUT UP AND GO SUCK ON YOUR FINGERS SOME MORE MAN-BITCH!"
CRASH!
"What was-"
"GOD HATES PUSSIES LIKE YOU AND THE HOLES YOU POPPED OUT OF!"
"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
The voice reverberated from inside the office as L stepped off to the side.
"… …Can you just lead me to wherever the hell Yagami Raito is?"
The nervous receptionist stood up in record speed as they grabbed a set of keys in one hand and L's wrist in the other, running out of the small lounge in a blur of colors.
"Will do!"
"So after much deliberation and Raito-translation, I think we've got this, dawgs." Mail nodded as he crossed his arms across his chest, a smile set on his face. "So, no throwing things at random animals-"
"Or temper-tantrums that include forks or miscellaneous items than can be used to harm either ourselves or anyone, especially in the groin regions, or what Mihael likes to call, the testicular-area-"
"Or extraordinary spurts of verbal shit leaking out of our mouths when we're out on the streets and you're trying to be all 'undercover' whilst buying weird sex-toys with your crazy pervy-lovah!"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Hm…" Nate finished lamely as Mihael chomped on his chocolate obliviously. "You do realize that we will all break at least one or all ((Cough))Mihael((Cough)) of these rules within the first five minutes of the first day, Raito-daddy?"
"… … Did somebody just say my name?" Mihael blinked as smudges of chocolate residue clung to his lips rather disgustingly.
"We seriously have to work on your ADD, guy." The sarcastic redhead patted the older boy on the shoulder in consolation as the blonde shook in misplaced (and perturbed, really) anger.
"WHO HAS ADD, YOU FUCKER!"
"… … … 'Nough said. Bring on the Ritalin, Anakin."
"Listen, I really don't know why I'm bothering to even try and establish any sort of order for you crazy kids," Raito sullenly replied as he sighed in irritation. "But I have to at least act like I'm enforcing some kind of law when I tell Ryuuzaki that I-"
"Tell Ryuuzaki you're going to what?"
Crash!
"DAMN IT, RYUUZAKI! BOUNDARIES, I SAID WE NEEDED BOUNDARIES!"
L smirked as his lover glanced up at him, sprawled out invitingly (to him, anyway) on the floor with a dirty glare set over his flawless prettiness. Raito picked himself up with as much dignity as he could muster (and with his prissiness, it was a lot) as the weary artist shuffled his feet in impatience.
"Raito-kun looks as if he wishes to do unpleasant things to my body."
Raito felt his eye twitch as his lover's signature creepy smile lingered over his lips.
"Though I'm sure Raito-kun is quite aware of the fact that I wouldn't mind it if Raito-kun did things to my body in genera-"
"I don't want to do anything to your body, especially with kids watching!" Came the immediate reply as the brunette wished horrible things over that dirty warped mind. "You just… surprised me a little. What were you and Whammy-san talking about while I was here with the kids?"
"I will explain to Raito-kun later." L scantily replied as he brushed Raito aside, blinking in bewilderment as the children nestled behind the younger artist gave him three pairs of nearly identical evil-eyes (and Mail was wearing GOGGLES, so it was pretty disconcerting on L's part to watch just how he managed to pull that one off…). "Now will my dearest little slice of ass-cake tell me why all the children huddled around you like the three stooges are glaring at me as if I just crapped out the Anti-Christ?"
"Ryuuzaki, enough with the deplorable language! Haven't you ever heard of something called self-control?!" Raito snapped, finally entering the ultimate stage of 'Mommy-Mode' as flames spurted up behind him. Turning back to the three kids now blinking stupidly in a sudden of rush of fear and astonishment, Raito's gentle smile hit them at full-force. "I'm so sorry, kids, that's just what makes him… charming."
"And a stalker." Mail added in, smirking at the man now unapologetically staring at his boyfriend's ass, seeming to forget he was still surrounded by children. "And possibly a potential rapist, if you really want to get technical. Tell me, Ryuuzaki-san, do you know that one in every two men deserve to get their ass whooped for some reason or another? Cause I'm pretty sure your ass... most definitely needs a whooping."
"Huh?" L scratched his head as the three kids and Raito sweat dropped. "I apologize, Mail. I was too busy imagining getting my freak on with Raito-kun to actually pay attention to you. What was that again?"
"Touché, Mail." Raito clipped the older man over the back of his head as the kids (other than Nate, who had his 'Serious, oh-so-serious- Actually, I'm not here right now, so just talk to the blank expression' face on) laughed in sadistic delight. "Tou-freaking-ché."
"Raito-kun is so abusive. I shall have to remember that later on tonight when we are both in bed and about to sco-"
"I THINK IT'S TIME TO GO NOW!" Raito gave the kids a sly (they let Raito think it was sly, anyway) wink as he grabbed L's wrist and pulled him over to the entrance of the rec. room. "Um… be good while we're gone, and I promise that the next time I come, I'll have good news for us all. Right, Ryuuzaki?"
"Uh…" L looked slightly disturbed by the strange look overlapping his lover's face as Raito waved to the children giddily.
"See you soon, kids!"
"… You think that's the bitchiest of the bitch fights just waiting to happen, or am I just somehow imagining things?" Mihael snarkily snapped as he waved over at Raito and L's retreating forms.
"Dude, I'm just sorry that I'm not a fly on those walls." Mail snickered as he turned his gaming device back on. "Ya know, except for the creepy fetishes and kinky homo-cosplay that probably goes on behind those closed doors. I somehow feel like Raito-dad deserves a hug and some extra lubricant for his birthday."
"Say what now?" Nate seemed to just now come back to reality as he toyed with the stuffed animal that somehow appeared out of thin air.
"… … … Just go back into Magic-Candy-Head-Land, Midget-Mack." Mihael patted the boy on his head before smirking. "Let's go, Mail. This is how we roll, bitches…"
"Thug life, biatch…" The redhead gave a west-side symbol before nodding his head.
Nate blinked as he pulled on a random silvery curl lying on his forehead.
"I think I foresee a lot of drug use and daddy issues in my future."
Hear that? That's the sound of my brain imploding. I think I need a nap and some Tylenol PM... Lol. I had to re-write this chapter five times (FIVE! I SAID FFFFIIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEE!) before I felt this was the best that would come out of me. ... ... ... Stfu and stop laughing, damn it, I wasn't being a pervert for once. -.-; I was gonna have this beta-ed... but it wasn't even worth the effort. The next chapter is when I feel all the funny is really going to snap up and take this story by the balls. I already have it planned it... and it's glorious. XD
Though Matt contemplating about L and Raito's sex life and Mihael going gangsta on people's asses whilst Near thinks about his future in drug use and therapy is somehow hilarious to me. (And if you haven't seen the movie Pineapple Express yet... please do. I *heart* pothead humor, and this movie is full of it. I'm shameful with the line stealing, aren't I?) C'mon, you now Near totally looks like a pothead/meth-user in the making. Why do you think he looks so flipping sleepy and is always playing with toys all the time? See, I'm a genius. ^.^ And sorry for those who just want me to get this adoption over with! For me, that's when the real story begins, but we have to get all the crap out of the way before we can get to the real shit. Like dinner; vegetables first, then some banging-ass cake for desert. Rewards, rewards. XD
Hope this chapter managed to amuse, if nothing else. Thanks for reading everybody!
((Thug Life, biatches! REMEMBER THIS ALWAYS! XD))