A/N- Hello! please do not throw stones at me just yet! I am a total fail this week! My life literally was spinning off it's axes all week. First my boyfriend and I had a huge fight and literally I thought I was going to have to find somewhere else to live because.. well yeah if we broke up that just wouldnt be cool.. Then we got over it, he apologized.. so that's all good now, but the rest of my week was thrown off by it and school conquered my life.. I seriously spent like 4 hours in math tutoring on tuesday... yeah statistics is kicking my butt! Anyways thank you so much for sticking by and waiting for me to get my crap together..

I would make a promise for the next chapter, but it might not be until next Wednesday, considering I have an essay style political science test and a huge statistics test on Wednesday, so literally my weekend is going to be spent studying my butt off.. I failed my first statistics test, but I can get it dropped if I do well on this next one so this is big.. I need at least a B so that I can transfer this class to CSUF! Bare with me please!

P.S. I am sort of looking for a beta, not sure what all that entails, but my friend has failed me majorly... I don't blame her, she just started her nursing school classes so I get it! totally get it, she's busy... but now I have no one to tell me what I should fix grammatically or if my story isn't flowing properly so yeah it's holding up the second half of my story... I'm re-reading it, but would love a second opinion!

Chapter 10 Confessions

You're killing my common sense and all the hope that comes with it.~~ Original

BPOV

I walked in and I saw something I never would have expected to see. Edwards piano was smashed and Alice was glaring at him while he just stared at the crushed piano at his feet.

"Did you do that?" Both of their heads snapped in my direction. Edward looked furious while Alice 's features seemed to soften when she saw me. Edward came over before I knew it and his arm was holding my elbow as he started to pull me upstairs.

"What the hell are you doing Edward?" I screamed at him and tried my hardest to get loose. He stopped abruptly and released my arm before turning to me with an exasperated expression and pinching the bridge of his nose. He sighed before he looked me in the eyes dropping his hands.

"Bella can you just come upstairs and talk to me? Please? I think we really should discuss some things." His look was almost pleading. I knew we needed to talk eventually and I had already kind of planned on talking to him today. My resolve had been broken while I was playing with the guys today. But he really didn't need to know that.

"Fine Edward, I'll talk to you." He gave me a curt nod and started to walk upstairs again. I cleared my throat so he would stop and look at me. "Not up there. I want to talk in the living room." He looked incredulous.

"Bella, that's hardly going to be a private discussion," I sighed and turned around to go sit on the sofa.

"Hardly anything is private in this household, so it doesn't really matter where we have the conversation." He looked dejected, but came to sit down next to me showing defeat. Alice smiled at me slightly encouraging me in my endeavourer before she left the room to give us some sort of privacy.

I looked over at the piano and remembered my earlier question. "Why did you break your piano?" He lifted his head and when I looked straight into his eyes I could feel it again. I knew I still loved the man before me. I would always love him. He would also always make my insides melt no matter how old I got. He would always be my other half. I quickly composed myself he couldn't know this.

He smiled my favorite crooked grin that I love and I knew he had heard my heat speed up. "Well, lets get on with it Edward. Not all of us have an eternity." His smiled fell at this statement and turned into a serious frown. He looked over his shoulder at the shards of wood and grimaced.

"I was upset." I raised an eyebrow at him; I didn't understand his response, what in the world would have made him that angry to break his most prized possession. He finally decided to continue, taking my quirked eyebrow as an invitation. "Just Jake and his antics. The way he thinks about you," I rolled my eyes at this. What did that have to do with anything? "You know what I mean don't you? He is in love with you."

My face fell I knew this, but hearing it from someone else was a lot worse. Especially when this someone else is your ex-boyfriend. "Yeah I know Edward. See the thing is Jake also knows not to expect anything. Our relationship will never go further than what it is right now; it can't." He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment.

"But you've kissed him?" He obviously knew the answer to this. I knew I couldn't lie so I figured it would be better to be blatantly obvious.

"Yeah I've kissed him. Like I said before after everything that happened he was there for me like no one else was. After you left, the rape, my attempts to take my own life, and Victoria ; he was there, he comforted me to no end. I will never be able to repay him enough." I knew I would try to make him happy, but this was yet another thing that Edward didn't need to know.

"So you're telling me that Jake thinking about kissing me made you kill your piano." I said it with a slight smile hoping to ease up some tension.

I knew I would have to see him eventually since he was part of the family and so I figured I could at least try to be friends with him. He looked into my eyes and what he saw must have pleased him because he smiled in return. "I did not kill it Bella, I just decided I needed a new one." I laughed so hard my sides hurt. He was a creature of habit and I knew it. There was no way a new one would ever please him the way that one did.

"All jokes aside; I wanted to talk about us. I feel like there are things that need to be said. I saw in Alice 's mind that you still love me…." He trailed off towards the end. I was pretty sure I knew exactly where this conversation was going so I figured I could flip it to where I would have the upper hand by laying down most, but not all of my cards.

"Yeah I will admit it I still do love you," He was about to say something but I held up my hand motioning for him to wait a minute before he said anything. "But I can not be with you. You left me without a word, with promises that I could return to my normal life and that it would be as though you never existed, but you already know it wasn't that way. I ached every day for you to come back, and you never did, because of you I m broken. I will never be able to love someone the way I loved- love you and I hate that. I almost hate you for that, but I can not hate you." He smiled a little at the last comment but it didn't reach his eyes. I could tell that he was still thinking about the not being able to be with him part.

"Because of this fact I would love to be friends with you. I have no clue what the future holds," At this point I raised my voice an octave to make sure Alice knew it was for her as well. "There is only one pixie looking vamp who knows that, but what I do know is I want to be near you. I- I'm just not ready to be more than friends. Okay?" He thought about this new development for a second longer than I thought he actually needed and then nodded his head in agreement with a smile.

"Can I give you a friendly hug?" He sounded like a child asking for a puppy. I opened my arms for him and as he got closer my arms instinctively went around his neck while his went around my waist as he pulled me closer. The second we made contact I felt the all too familiar electricity jolt that told me he was very near. One of my hands threaded the hair at the nape of his neck while the other rested between his shoulder blades. Then we heard someone clear their throat from the kitchen doorway.

We both pulled back reluctantly and looked up. It was none other than Alice . "Okay Eddie boy, I'm stealing Bella now for much needed girl time." Edward scowled at Alice 's little nickname for him, but he relented and I rose from the sofa and followed Alice with promises of talking to him again later. Now that we were on the friendship level meant we had a lot of catching up to do. I knew eventually more hurt would arise, but right now I was just happy to have all of the Cullen's in my life.

After a couple of hours of girl time with Alice ; by girl time I mean plucking my eyebrows and waxing my legs, she decided I could be free. It was about midnight, but I was nowhere near tired. I found myself in front of an all too familiar door. Edward's door. I was just standing there thought. I wasn't sure if I should knock or just go in. I wanted to be near him so badly and even just the prospect made all of my nerve endings on edge.

He must have heard my heart beat because after bout a thirty second debate the door opened to reveal the most beautiful face I had ever known. "Bella?" I guess I had been staring for too long. When he addressed me though it was definitely a question to what I wasn't exactly sure.

"Can I come in and just hang out for a little while? I'm not really tired." His face fell slightly, but he moved back to allow me inside. I slipped inside and it was almost exactly how I remembered it. The only change was the fact that now there was a bed with a royal blue plush comforter and the black sofa was up against the window in the corner.

I just stood there looking around not really knowing where I should sit. Edward made the choice for me by sitting on the sofa. I followed and say on the other end. "So what are you up to?" He looked up from the notebook he had picked up and a slow smile spread across his face.

"I was actually just composing a song. You know since my piano is out of commission I can only write it down for now and hen later I can work it out." I nodded my head. I knew that he composed, but he must have had something great in his head if he needed to write it down. I mean he was a vampire and always had everything memorized perfectly. I just had no clue what he was writing. I couldn't make out the chords; it's like it was his own special language; they didn't make any sense to me at all.

"Anyways," he set the book down and turned to me. "What did you want to talk about?" I shook my head; there wasn't anything particular I just missed him. I couldn't decide if I wanted to say that out loud, but when I spoke next I realized my mistake.

"I missed you too. I really am sorry about everything." I looked up surprised. Was he able to read my mind all of a sudden? He laughed and it reached his eyes. They were dancing with amusement. "No I can not read your mind, but it seems as though you are more tired than you thought. You are voicing all of your thoughts right now something I thought you only did in your sleep." I smiled sheepishly at him. I was definitely tired my brain to mouth filter was no where near functional. "Come on I'll walk you to the guest room."

He started to get up, but I grabbed his hand. I really didn't want to leave him right now. I had just gotten him back and I really needed to be close to him, even if it was just as friends. "Can I stay in here tonight?" He looked back at me with a very surprised sideways glance.

"Are you sure, I do not want you to be uncomfortable…" He trailed off and I knew why he was saying this. I knew if I were to stay here he would most likely want to watch me sleep. My mind was made up though. I couldn't deal with nightmares tonight; I knew if Jake could make them stay at bay then so could Edward. I felt safer with Edward than I did with Jake. Edward was still my everything, even if I didn't want to admit it.

"Yeah I'm sure. I mean if that's okay with you. I just- I don't want to be alone tonight. I just need someone close by. Alice is hanging out with Jasper so that options out." I thought about it for a second I probably was just going to make his night boring. He wouldn't be able to do anything in his room. "You know what never mind. It's okay. I really don't want to ruin your night."

I started to stand and he didn't stop me so I figured I had guessed right. I made it to the door before I felt a gust of wind and felt a hand on my shoulder. "Don't go Bella, you can stay. You're welcome in my room anytime. I even have this bed. You know I won't use it. You're welcome to it whenever you need." I turned and he was smiling sincerely. I nodded my head and started towards the bed. I was already in my pajamas so that fixed that.

I climbed in as he pulled back the covers for me. I sat up under the covers and watched as he seemed to be dealing with an inward battle. I figured he probably needed help. I know I did; where would we draw the line in our friendship. I knew there had to be barriers, but I wasn't so good with those. I mean all I wanted was friendship with Jake, but the lines always blurred. "Edward…"

He snapped out of his unconscious battle and looked over at me. I patted the bed beside me and he looked confused for a moment. So I knew I needed to voice my thoughts. This would not be easy. "Look I know we decided to just be friends, but I really do not want to be alone like I said before. So could you maybe just sit and talk with me until I fall asleep?" He seemed to brighten a little bit as I said my words. He quickly came over and sat on the other side of the bed above the covers.

As the night wore on and we talked about trivial things such as my schooling, the band, and what he had been up to while they were gone; we seemed to gravitate towards each other. At one point in the conversation we were so close our sides were touching. I loved the electrical current that came off of him and radiated between us. I vaguely remember my head going on his shoulder. I felt something cool press into my hair and then a whispered, "Goodnight my Bella." With that I drifted into unconsciousness, not really sure what my dreams would bring.

I awoke to the unusually bright sun of Forks coming through the window that was Edwards back wall. I could not for the life of me remember my dream which was odd. Even when Jake stayed with me I would have some kind of dream, it just wouldn't be as bad when I woke up. Someone was there to comfort me and I took solace in that. This was different; I had no recollection of having a dream. But why?

I shivered there was something cold under my head. I looked up and saw Edward's smiling face. "Good morning."

God he was beautiful. It wasn't fair. My hair probably looked like a rats nest and my breath was most likely the most horrid smell in the world. I turned away and blushed. With a whispered, "Morning", I sat up and got out of the bed. I turned and saw him still smiling which made me blush even more. I sat back down on the edge of the bed. I knew I had to say something. I had just slept in bed with my ex all night. Although technically he doesn't sleep; I just really didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"So um I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you. I didn't want to be a bother. I'm sorry you couldn't get up after I fell asleep and go do things…." I trailed off I knew I was rambling, but what do you say in a situation like this?

I looked at him and he was still smiling. Did I look that funny right now? I smooth my hair down as much as possible with my hand trying to get the major knots out so that it didn't look so bad. Edward reached out and grabbed my hand. "Bella its ok, I didn't mind. I was very comfortable. Like I said yesterday I missed you too and it was nice to be able to have you in my arms, even if it was just as a friend. I was a little disappointed though."

I was about to say sorry, but I was curious as to why he was disappointed. "Why were you disappointed?" He smiled his crooked smile and sighed trying to look dejected.

"Well you didn't talk in your sleep. Although I guess I'm happy you looked peaceful at least." I smiled at him. So he missed my sleep talking.

"Well maybe one day you'll get to hear it again." We shared a quick laugh before I continued, as I started to talk again he reached up to push a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. This caught me off guard and my breath hitched slightly. "You know what's strange?" I stopped for a moment, but he looked at me and gave me an encouraging nod.

"Well last night, I don't remember dreaming at all. Usually when I'm by myself I have horrific nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night, and with no one there I am always so freaked out I cant go back to sleep." I paused for a moment not knowing if I wanted to share all of this with him yet. Against my better judgment I decided I wanted to be honest with him.

"Well and then sometimes when Jake stay at my place; it's slightly better because someone's there to comfort me. Then last night, well, it was the first time in a little over three years that I didn't dream at all. Not even a good dream, it was just black nothingness." I looked up at him through my eyelashes; his eyes were focused over my shoulders at something on the wall. I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

"So you sleep with Jake like you did with me?" He still wouldn't look at me. I wasn't quite sure what to say just like most other times; so I decided to say the first thing I could will into my mind. It took me a second but he still wasn't looking at me as I spoke.

"No, not exactly, I mean it's different. He sleeps too. It's kind of like a sleepover; I don't really know how to explain it." He looked at me slightly furious, but it was as though he was trying to hide his anger from me. I was trying to get him to laugh with the pun about sleeping, but no such luck. He just seemed to be angrier.

"So let me get this straight Bella. You sleep with Jake, kiss him, hold hand, and play in a band with him. Now you slept in my bed last night. Do you do this with all of your friends?" Now I was getting furious. What the hell was he implying?

"Edward I'm not going there with you. It's different and you know it. I've been through so much; I have a right to be afraid of being alone. I never knew when someone or something would come for me." At this he sobered up slightly. His face fell completely though, and his eyes looked vacant. He was now hiding every last ounce of emotion.

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper if I wouldn't have been so close there's no way I would have heard it. "I just- I don't know. I still love you and it hurts me that you want to be with other people that way. I guess because of last night I was hoping maybe you wanted me back too." I sighed and he looked away. I did want more with him. I just wasn't ready. I wasn't sure when I would be either. This wasn't fair to anyone involved; me, Edward, or Jake for that matter.

He was still looking away; I desperately felt as though I needed him to look at me. "Please, just look at me and hear me out." He finally looked at me, but he was still just a shell. "You know I still love you. I have told you this countless times now. I just think I want to take things slow. I think I might want you back, but things can't just go back to the way they were. I need time, and I'm going to need space as well. I'm not the seventeen year old girl I use to be. I'm older now and I have my independence and I love it."

Some emotion came through upon my emission. I wasn't sure what it was exactly, he was still trying to mask it. "Just understand that although I will always be yours, you do not own me. Especially right now I'm not your girlfriend I was completely serious about just being friends." He nodded and I felt slightly better that he understood this. I knew I needed to clear up a couple more things as well.

"One more thing okay?" He nodded yet again. It was as though he didn't want to say anything that would screw up this; for this I was grateful. "I love Jake, he's important to me. I never want to be more than what I am with him right now, which is just friends, but I'm not just going to drop him. Like I said before I'm not your girlfriend and I am still going to enjoy my time with the guys for as long as I can." For what seemed like the hundredth time this morning his face fell.

"I do not like the thought of you being with Jake that way-" I cut him off. He needed to know that he didn't control me. He would never control me the way that he did before.

"I never said you have to like it. You said you love me right?" He nodded his head cautiously this time, less excited. "Okay, then let me be happy. I never said that I was going to continue having him sleep over or doing the kissing thing. I don't know what's going to happen in the future so I really don't want to say either way. Let's just take this slow, be friends and see where it leads to. I really need this Edward. Please."

I didn't want to sound pleading, but I knew that if he didn't cave and agree with me on at least some level that this would never work. I wasn't going to loose my best friend all over again because of Edward. If I couldn't have both I knew I would have to choose; I also knew I could never hurt Jake the way that Edward had hurt me.

"Okay Bella, but I can not make any promises to you about what will happen between me and Jake. I mean we are natural enemies and all." He smiled and I knew he was trying to make the mood lighter. I also knew that it could turn into a serious statement at any time. I reached into the space between us and put my hand in his. With one final squeeze I got up and left the room. I needed to eat and get ready for the day. It was definitely going to be a long day.

I knew I couldn't lie to Jake; I would have to be honest and tell him that I had made amends with Edward. This was not going to go over well. Maybe I could push it off just for a little while. It wouldn't hurt any one right…..