Chapter Ten

Confused

Confused: adj. Being unable to think with clarity or act with understanding and intelligence; Chaotic; jumbled

Happiness floated through her body and she jumped into the air, blonde hair sweeping around her head like a halo. She felt the wind beneath herself and thought that she could never be happier.

She had kissed Miley, Miley had kissed her- they'd kissed! It was big, it was important, huge, it was… it was everything.

And they were going on a date.

She felt the ground beneath her feet.

- she could not wait.

--

She felt like maybe it was time for them to talk about it. Like really talk about it.

Miley had been sort of jumping around it, been acting weird and confused, and Lilly did not appreciate it. She knew it had been tough on her lately, but things had been getting better with school and perhaps she seemed to smile more. There was no reason for her to ridicule Lilly the way she did, there was no good excuse as to why she kept mocking her because she wouldn't talk, wanted to have it her way.

Oliver asked her all the time about the two of them.

He said,

"Lilly, have you talked to her about your date? About the two of you?"

Lilly said,

"She doesn't wanna talk, Ollie."

He'd also say,

"Lilster, have you told her about the talent show?"

And Lilly would say,

"…no."

He would then follow up,

"When's The Talent Show?"

Lilly would end,

"Soon, Ollie, it's soon."

It was tiring, and Lilly wanted all that talking to stop. She wanted to talk to Miley now, because she felt like everything was almost back to normal. There was just the matter of a few adjustments and Miley would be perfect Miley again.

Lilly really hoped that today was the day.

They were watching TV in the Stewarts' sitting room.

Miley's eyes were glued to the TV screen, watching The Tonight Show with Colin Lassiter. It was Saturday evening and Lilly wished her and Miley could be doing something else. Not watching TV perhaps?

Softly, "Hey Miley…"

Just looking at the TV, not-so-much-paying attention, "Mhm…"

"Can we- can we talk?"

Heart in throat, wanting-wanting nothing more but for them to be Miley and Lilly – happy couple, holding hands, sharing kisses, sharing love and adoration. All that. And then more.

Shortly replying, still not paying attention, "I'm watching something, Lilly."

Sighing. Thinking that maybe this would never be, wanting it to be, deciding it had to be, "But I wanna talk!" (nice argument, good one, Lillian), "I wanna talk about us, Miley. I wanna talk about our date and us as a couple."

Couple – that word was a nice word… wasn't it?

There was no reply.

"Can we Miley, can we talk?"

Stern, not turning her head, simply watching Colin, "Not now, not now Lilly."

There.

That was the standard reply and Lilly knew it. Miley had been saying almost only that every time she asked about their date, and them… It hurt, it fucking hurt.

Lilly clenched her fist, wanted to scream and yell, wanted to hit Miley because she was being stupid, it was frustrating, and Lilly couldn't stand it, no, not at all she could. Objecting, "But Miley… what are you so afraid of?"

No comments.

"You're – you're gonna have to talk to me, Miles. You'll never get out of your closet unless you do."

Still not looking, but at least replying, "I am not in a closet."

Surprised, even more than frustrated, hit the couch with a flat hand, "Yes! Yes you are, Miley! You're just stuck inside your closet, afraid to get out. You're – you're gonna be miserable in there, you know that?"

Angry now, finally some sort of emotion, not just stone face. She turned her head with feisty hair, spiked in all directions, "I am not in a closet, Lilly! I am right here on the couch."

Lilly stared at her, felt her open mouth go dry, "…you know what I mean, Miley Stewart."

"I don't wanna talk."

She turned her head away again, and Lilly knew that there was no reason for her to stay. Miley was being stupid, being dumb, and Lilly hated when Miley was like that. Even if she should be acting better because she was better… she still wasn't acting better, and Lilly was losing her patience, she wouldn't be able to ever make her completely whole unless Miley would admit that they had something.

The blonde got off of the couch and took a step backwards out of there; to see if perhaps her loved one would change her mind. But no such thing happened, Miley stared at the TV, and as Lilly opened her mouth to say something else, the volume was turned up.

"…me tonight we have Mikayla! With the release of her newest CD and an overload of extra concerts, Mikayla has been a busy girl lately, and she says that she can only thank Hannah Montana. Why do you say that, Mikayla?"

"Because after Hannah left the spotlight, I've been paid good money to cover all her already sold-out gigs. It's been awesome, and it's all down to her… the lovely Hannah Montana, a – a good friend of mine."

Lilly took a step back, "That fucking bitch."

Miley just stared at the TV, and Lilly felt worry overrule her body. The expression was blank, the emotion was gone, she was numb. Her eyes were glassy and Lilly feared what would happen if she didn't stop it. No thoughts of anger or frustration, because she loved Miley and when Miley needed her, she would always be there and be ready.

"Turn it off, Miley!" Lilly said, reached for the remote, but Miley held on tight, "Turn it off!"

The brunette shook her head, "No."

It was prompt. It was certain – she couldn't honestly mean that she was going to torture herself that way?

"So you and Hannah, were you guys close friends? Because you were singing for the same crowd, so was there no competition between you two? It seems very unlikely if you ask me. Wasn't there just a tiny feeling of remorse when one of you did something really good?"

"Oh not at all, Colin, best friends are there for each other, we just supported each other, and I've supported her decision about dropping the music and focusing more on her schoolwork for now – and she's still supporting me with my career and whatever I decide to do."

Exclaiming, "Why won't she shut the fuck up?"

Remorse, oh she was feeling remorse as well.

"Miley, turn that crap off."

When she turned away from the TV and looked at her friend again, she saw tears down her face, she saw mascara running and white face, she saw pain and anger, and she felt sorry, because not only did Miley have to go through a lot of personal pain with the new leg, but she did also have to see the career she'd work so hard for sink down the drain, and the Hannah name slowly disappear.

Reaching for the remote, no problem now, turning off for fucking Mikayla, "Oh Miles…"

She sat down next to her, wrapped her arms around her and let her cry it out. Miley's head was on her shoulder, sobs wrecked her body, and Lilly listened to her cries of pain, soothed her the best she could. It was horrible, she felt horrible, but she still wasn't sure of what to do next.

--

A starry evening. The night was clear, but not cold at all. Lilly was only wearing a t-shirt and her favourite check-patterned jeans that she knew Miley liked because she said it made her butt look awesome.

She'd been dancing around all day in joy after the kiss they shared, had been so excited about their date, felt like this was really it, like she had found what most people always searched for but rarely found. She was young, yes, but Miley and her had something, and it was impossible to ignore.

She knocked on the door to the expensive Malibu beach house. Her heart was beating. Fast.

Robbie Ray opened the door, "Hiya, Lilly, here to pick up Miley?"

"Yes."

She didn't know what else to say. Normally she could chat forever with Robbie, but she was too nervous now – and he didn't know that this was really a date either.

"Miley has been runnin' around like crazy for two hours. Are you girls goin' out on some secret double date, I dunno about? She's gettin' ready as if she was meetin' some boy."

Lilly smiled, stiffly, feeling very stiff and weird, "Nah… just going to the movies, Mr. S."

Best Lilly smile, and he was happy.

Miley then pushed her father aside with a huge smile on her lips and in her eyes, and Lilly drank in her appearance, because it was perfect.

Miley, "Hi."

Lilly, "Hi."

--

They were having a talk.

Lilly and Miley and Robbie. They were having a talk. And because Robbie was there, it wasn't exactly the talk Lilly had been wishing for. It was something else.

Miley was talking, "I'm just… so scared of the future, Daddy. I had planned to at least be Hannah for a while longer, even if it has been a good run. But now I just… I can't seem to figure out who I am, if I'm not Hannah."

Robbie now talked, "That's horsecrap Miley, you're you, even if you're not Hannah."

Lilly talked, "Your father is right Miley, it's fucking bullshit to say that. I know that you lost something wonderful when you lost Hannah, but you've got you – you've got Miley, and it's her that the people who really love you want you to be. Just Miley Rae Stewart, because she's amazing."

It was the best she could do. She could understand that Miley was scared of the future, but she had nothing to be afraid of. She might have lost Hannah because she lost her leg, but she didn't lose her voice. And that's exactly why Lilly decided to sign her up for The Talent Show – she still had talent, she just didn't have Hannah Montana.

She still had all the possibilities in the world to make music.

Miley said, now with tears in those eyes again, and she had been crying a lot this weekend, "But music is my true passion, Lilly… It's the thing I'm best at, I'm so happy when I sing."

Lilly reached a hand out, grabbed hers tightly, squeezed, "Then play for me, Smiley, play for me, sing for me…"

Miley turned her head to the side, eyes resting on the guitar by their grand piano. A pause went by. Head turned back, "I can't, Lilly… I don't know how to."

Robbie: "That might take some time, Bud. You've got to mend yourself first, but if you don't start tryin', it'll never happen."

Lilly nodded her head, yes. Yes!

Miley sighed.

Lilly felt like maybe the time was now, maybe she should tell her, just say it, say, "Miley, I've signed you up for the talent show," but she didn't say that, she started out nervous, insecure, said, "Miles? I've… I've done something – for you!"

Suspicious, eyes squeezed together, "What? Lilly, what have you done?"

Her Book of Lyrics; Do Not Look was lying on the table in front of her. Lilly reached a hand out and opened it slowly, pulled out the small flyer. She felt nervous, anxious, hoped that Miley wouldn't kill her. She held the sheet of paper in front of her, "I've signed you up…"

Eyes bulging, vein popping, fingers clenching, "You've what!? LILLY!"

"I've signed you up."

"You've signed me up?"

"Yes."

"Without my permission."

"Ms. Scribo seemed to think it was a good idea."

The spiky brunette pulled the paper out of her hands, "And you listened to her!? Instead of asking me! I'm not gonna do this, Lilly!"

Robbie butted, "Maybe it would be good for you, Miles. You'll start out slowly, in a familiar place."

Arms crossed, "I don't wanna sing. I can't sing as Miley, I can only sing as Hannah."

"Of course you can sing as Miley, Bud. She's the one with the talent. No need to hide behind a wig anymore."

Lilly couldn't agree more, a smile, a cheer and she said, "Of course!" shrill, "This is the time for you to stand by your talent! To let to world know exactly who you are."

No response.

"Say you'll think about it, Bud."

Miley tapped her fingers, she looked at them, still not moved at all, "No."

Toothy smile, cuteness, she had that one going for her, Lilly knew, "Pleeeease?"

"No."

Not helping.

Robbie Ray continued, "Ya didn't wanna do that last concert as Hannah, and you'll be miserable without the music. You should do it, Miley."

Thinking, thinking hard, wheels turning, Lilly could tell, finally saying, "I'll think about it."

That was one thing out in the open… one thing left – date. Uh-oh…

--

"What do you wanna do? I haven't really thought of where to go. I just… I just wanted to bring you someplace."

Miley smiled and reached her hand out to clasp their fingers together, "I don't care. We could go eat some pizza. It's not the food, it's the company."

Lilly grinned, from ear to ear, "How about pizza and a movie then? Maybe something nice is on tonight."

"I'd love pizza and a movie."

Lilly pulled the brunette closer, ran her free hand through the long brown locks, before they set off down the street to their favourite pizza place. They'd take Casper to the movies afterwards; he was parked for now.

--

She was doing her best to convince her.

"Sing for me, Miley. Sing something for me."

It looked odd. She had the guitar between her fingers, but she didn't look like she felt home. It seemed awkward, and Miley had never been awkward with any sort of instrument.

"I – I don't feel good with this thing, Lilly…"

Lilly felt really bad for her.

Begging, "But please, you've got to try, Miley."

Nose wrinkles.

Continuing the begging, "Maybe it won't be much today, but slowly you'll do better, you'll be ready for the show."

"I'm not sure I'm gonna do that show, Lils. I said I'll think about it."

Lilly looked at her, "You'll do the show."

"I will?"

"Oh yes."

Sighing, slowly moving a finger across the first string, oddly, stiffly, - weird, "This is not good, Lilly."

Sighing too, slowly reaching for the guitar, taking it, placing it, staring back at Miley, caring, loving, feeling sorry, "We'll try again tomorrow, Miley."

She looked up, fringe falling gently across her face, "I really am sorry I'm this way, Lilly. I know I'm not me, and it's not you, it's because I'm just… not there yet."

Lilly couldn't help but smile softly, too cute for words, couldn't resist, even if the subject was sensitive, "We'll talk about that night when you're ready."

"Thank you."

A smile.

Questioning, slightly cheerier, slightly more ready for life, "So? When is The Talent Show?"

"Soon."

I am truly sorry about not updating quicker. I feel like such a bad writer. Truth is, last weekend I got overwhelmed with schoolwork, and then I wanted to finish my other fic since it only needed one chapter and it'd be over, so I did that, which I thought would leave me more time for this fic. But then a friend reminded me of a promise, so I had to start working on that as well – I hope to finish it in time.

Thank you so much for the reviews (and for listening to my rant), I really do love them, they mean the world to me. Please drop off another comment for this chapter, and I mean it when I say that I will really try to update faster this time!

Disclaimer; I don't own Hannah Montana.