Madly and Sincerely

Alert: This chapter is slightly graphic both sexually and violently. I don't intend to make anyone ill, but I will not take responsibility if you find it too descriptive for your liking.

It hadn't started out so badly. It took a great deal of explanation to Remus' parents (especially Mary as she was slow to understand the burgeoning relationship between Sirius and her son) but Dumbledore and his eerie ultra-awareness made the process of returning Remus to school a simple one.

Dumbledore had secretly 'let slip' that Remus had a stomach flu that rivaled the intensity of the Bubonic Plague, but was fully healed and back to Hogwarts. The professors allowed Remus enough time to catch up and his absence was barely noted.

All things considered, it was passing. It was as if Remus had floated a leaf on the surface of passing water, and it had sailed away. Gone, all of it.

Except the bonding itself.

In the beginning, it wasn't too difficult. Sirius was extraordinarily careful not to toss out any idle commands or even insinuate something that Remus would have to obey. Of course Remus had that awful ache whenever Sirius wanted something, even if he didn't verbally confirm his need. Sometimes, when Sirius wanted something badly enough, Remus would double over in pain to the point where he wanted Sirius to tell him to do something. Wanted to be ordered just to remove the searing agony.

But, like most forms of pain, Remus was able to ignore it. Pretend it was nothing more than a dull tug on his nerve endings to go in the direction Sirius wanted.

There were moments where Remus hated the bond—the moments when Sirius slipped and inadvertently commanded Remus to do something. Like 'pass the gravy' or 'come to Quidditch practise.' It wasn't the command that bothered Remus—he would have passed the gravy and watched James make a fool out of himself at any rate—but it was the immediacy in which he did it.

What if Sirius were to get upset with him? What if he commanded something rash and stupid?

It wasn't until the school year had nearly reached its end when things became…difficult.

It had started, predictably, with sex.

The soft roll of hips and gentle press of tongues took on a faster, needier pace. Remus gripped Sirius' back and sank his fingertips into the flesh there. Sirius rolled atop of Remus and hastily pulled his shirt and trousers off.

Remus gasped when a hand passed over his inner thigh.

"Kiss me."

Remus didn't even have time to process the command before he was slammed up against Sirius' mouth. Sirius moaned against Remus' lips and slid his own trousers off his legs and grinded their hips together.

"Sirius I—"

Sirius sucked Remus' lower lip into his mouth, submerging them in silence save the wet sounds of their lips. He slid a hand down Remus' back and into the cotton of his pants. Remus bucked up and Sirius took the opportunity to slide two fingers and then a third inside of him.

It didn't take long before Remus was wrapped around Sirius, making quick work of his hips.

"Merlin, faster Remus."

This time Remus had time to consider resisting, but was met with his own influx of frantic movement. Remus gasped and fought for the words. "Sirius, I—"

Sirius didn't hear him. "Remus, please, oh god…"

Pain suddenly overwhelmed Remus as he felt Sirius' need to reach his orgasm. He screamed from the intensity of the onslaught of pain. He jerked away as his muscles spasm and curled into himself to try to stop the wretched fire that flared through his veins. He was under the cruciatus curse—worse. He was dying and unable to end the final convulsion of pain.

"Remus?"

The pain stopped suddenly as Sirius' libido was replaced with concern. It started anew when Remus could feel Sirius panicking.

"Remus? What's wrong? Did I hurt you? I'm sorry, I thought that I…that you…what happened?" Sirius' voice was thick with worry and guilt. It made Remus writhe in misplaced pain.

"Sirius, tell me…" he panted against his own unfolding torture, "…to do something…anything…now…please, hurry."

"Come here," Sirius said automatically, not understanding.

Remus turned immediately and was enveloped in Sirius' arms. He gasped in relief as the pain abated. "Thank you…Sirius."

Sirius bit his lip. He ran an absent hand through Remus' hair. "What…what happened, Moony?"

Remus blushed and tried to turn away, but Sirius kept him locked in place. "It's nothing, Padfoot."

"Clearly not. What happened? Did I hurt you?"

Not intentionally. "No…"

"Then what did?"

"Nothing, Padfoot."

Sirius heard the sharp desperation in Remus' voice and it scared him. "Tell me," he commanded quietly, hating himself, "Tell me now."

"I just…needed you…it hurts when you need something and don't tell me to do it."

Sirius froze and Remus took the opportunity to scuttle away.

"I shouldn't have told you."

"No, I…I didn't know. So you needed me to…ask you…to make me…?"

Remus gnawed on his lower lip. "Yes."

"And since I didn't…it hurt you?"

Remus didn't need to nod to affirm this.

"Does that happen…every time?"

"No," Remus was quick to explain, "Usually you ask me to do it before it does."

"Usually?"

"Well there've been times…"

Sirius' fist flew out and sunk into the headboard. It groaned from the force but did not break. "Goddamnit, Remus! I've been hurting you all this time?"

"It's not so bad…"

"I didn't even know! Does it hurt to obey too?"

Remus looked down. "A little."

"Fuck!" This time the fist landed on Sirius' own head. Remus caught it before it could return.

"Sirius, stop that. This isn't a big deal."

Pain flared in Remus' right side as a desire twisted in Sirius' heart. "I want you to hit me, Moony."

Since it was an expression of what he wanted, rather than a demand, Remus was able to withstand. His muscles spasmed from suppression, the dark magic flooding through his senses. "Sirius, no—"

"Hit me, Remus."

Remus' arm came out before he could stop it. There was a hollow thump against Sirius' bicep. "Sirius, stop, I don't—"

"Harder. Hit me harder."

Remus had no choice to obey.

"You're not even trying. Hit me as hard as you can, Merlin Moony!"

There were tears in Remus' eyes as his fist found purchase in Sirius' stomach and sent him to the ground. Sirius grunted, but curled up on the floor.

"Sirius, I—"

"I'm so sorry, Moony. So sorry…this…this wasn't supposed to happen. We were supposed to be okay. We were gonna be okay."

Remus bit his lip and sighed. "I know, Sirius, I know."

Sirius was out with James and Peter doing God knows what. Remus sat on his bed with the curtains drawn and his knees pressed to his chest. He had a bottle of firewhiskey cradled between the arches of his feet. It had been nearly full, but it was verging on the point of emptiness.

Sirius had been avoiding Remus since the other night. Remus supposed it was to prevent Remus from feeling Sirius' needs or obeying his commands—but it still stung like rejection. Hence the rapidly evaporating bottle of firewhiskey.

There were other ramifications of the spell; ones that Remus hadn't told Sirius yet. There was the sick feeling of magic surging through his veins and the quiet insistence that Remus be one step behind Sirius, that Remus never speak to him until spoken to. But another one of them was whenever Sirius was out Remus felt the horrid and consuming need to be with him again.

Remus bit his lip when he felt that Sirius had gone even farther away from him. It was likely that the trio were out on the grounds by now, judging by the persistent stabs of heat to his sides and temples.

It wasn't so bad. It meant more time with Sirius. Sirius had never told Remus to do anything he sincerely didn't want to do. He could live with it. He could, would live with it.

He'd have to.

Sirius made a sudden move back towards Remus and the pain lessened in his sides. Remus almost sighed in sheer relief, but was unable to draw a breath before the agony kicked up again—this time much worse.

Remus tried to bring the firewhiskey to his lips to dull the pain, but was unable to for the shaking his fingers. It slipped and spilled over the bed sheets.

"F-fuck." Remus scrambled for his wand as the pain increased tenfold. "Accio pain potion!"

The blue bottle barely made it to his hand before Remus started vomiting violently. He grabbed frantically for the rubbish bin and the nausea increased when he heard the gruesome slap of his own vomit against the pail's bottom. He attempted to lift the potion to his mouth, but couldn't for the pain in his hands. It slipped from his fingers and cracked to the floor.

Remus followed it and fell to his knees, glass sinking into his skin.

"Shit."

It was the first time in days where Sirius felt like he could breathe. The wind was whipping at his hair and coasting over his face as he glided above the Forbidden Forest with James. He could hear Peter more than fifty meters behind them, screaming that they wait for him.

Faster, faster, faster. If he could just go fast enough, just try hard enough, Sirius figured nothing would hurt anymore. Remus wouldn't hurt anymore.

James dropped from his position above Sirius to glide next to him. "Padfoot, we better head in now. Sun's setting and we stick out something fierce."

Sirius nodded and flipped backwards to turn around, laughing as he almost collided upside-down into a screaming Peter. It was good like this. Like the old days.

They made it up to the Gryffindor tower just as the sun had dipped below the horizon, laughing and giggling boisterously as they made it up the stairs. A few third years shook their heads at them, but the castle was relatively abandoned since it was nearing after hours.

James was first up the stairs and he peddled backwards into the doorway, laughing as he went. "Wonder what Remus got up to while we were—Merlin! What the fuck is that smell?" He shut the door immediately and waved a hand around his face.

Peter pushed around James and turned a pale green from the scent. He wrapped a hand around his nose. "Probably somb dumb Slyberin lebt a sting bomb in our roomb."

Sirius sniffed the air, holding back the urge to vomit. "It smells like blood." He shoved his friends out of the way and ripped the door open. James and Peter followed suit with their sleeves guarding their nostrils.

The primary source of the stench was a splattering of vomit in the waste bin next to Remus' bed. They circled around and found shards of glass scattered around the floor. A faintly pink liquid pooled around it.

"Pain potion."

James waved his wand and the waste bin cleaned itself and the bottle with its contents swirled back in place. All that was left was the blood that had mingled with the potion.

"Moony!" Sirius was already in the bathroom, checking the shower compartments for his friend. "Moony, for Merlin's sake where are you!"

White shower curtains fluttered to the floor, some of them had already been ripped down before Sirius had gotten there. Those ones were streaked with blood. Remus' blood.

Remus was in the last one, back bowed and legs at an awkward angle. His mouth was covered in blood as if he had been drinking the stuff. He must have been there for ages because the blood pooling around him had already dried on his hair and hands.

He was a deathly pale, but an eyelid flickered open. He smiled weakly up at Sirius. "You're back…" And then he returned to the black.

Poppy was in a state, of course. She'd been informed of Remus' most recent disability and had been appropriately scandalized by the most recent progression of Remus' series of misfortunes.

"What were you thinking, Mr Black!" She shuffled around the bed where an unconscious Remus lied. She had managed to force feed him a blood replenishing potion and a series of sleeping draughts, but the bones in his legs had shattered from his fall and would therefore need more attention than usual.

"I didn't know."

"Did you do any research on the nature of this spell?" James and Peter had already been ousted from the wing. Sirius was only allowed to stay for Remus' sake. "Did you have any idea what it would do to Mr Lupin?"

"No, ma'am."

She softened slightly at the abject confession and therefore chose to remain silent.

After a long stretch of silence, Sirius cleared his throat. "Is there…is there any way to lift it?"

"The spell?' Madam Pomfrey considered it for a moment, pausing her work in Remus' bandages. "I'm not sure. It's not just a simple spell. Rather, it's a series of runes and dark magic—the kind that embeds in a wizard's own magic. To separate the spell from the man…well it would be to sift dust from flour."

Sirius sighed. "Impossible."

"Not impossible," she corrected, "just…tricky. Mr Lupin would have to expel his very essence. Does that make sense?"

Sirius shook his head slowly.

Madam Pomfrey sighed. "Let me try it this way, Mr Black: a wizard consists of two elements—spirit and body. The principal member is, of course the spiritual element. However, one is loathe to exist without the other as they draw strength from one another. A spirit on its own is not a person, the same as a hollow body is not a person. However, the bond between the two is finite and therefore the spirit must find a separate housing once that bond is severed. Do you understand me, Mr Black?"

Sirius shook his head. "Sorta. I don't see what this has to do with Remus, though."

"I'm getting there." She said snappishly. "Magic is an elemental component of the bond that connects a wizard to his body. Have you ever wondered why the ghosts cannot perform magic, or those who have received a dementor's kiss are wandless? It is because once the bond between the body and spirit is vanished, then so is the magic. However, if that bond were to be restored, well the magic would return."

"So you're suggesting…"

"That if the bond that holds Remus' magic is broken, then the spell embedded in his magic would disappear as well."

"But if Remus' spirit were to return to his body…"

"Then he would remain a wizard, but the bond would no matter be intact, yes." She returned to Remus' wounds. "But the idea is preposterous. Dangerous and foolish to the point of insanity."

Sirius stared at Remus, who was pale beneath the white hospital sheets. "Insanity, indeed."

Author's Note: What's this? An update before a month has passed? My word, that IS insanity, indeed...

I do hope that concept makes sense to people other than me. I know that such a concept is not described in the novels, but I find it plausible. Afterall, I've always wondered why the ghosts at Hogwarts seem so capable, but are unable to perform magic.

For those of you who are interested, the quitting is going well. I refuse to go on the patch and my significant other has to be very patient with me, but I haven't smoked in ages. God what I wouldn't do for a fag right now...

Thank you for reading!