A/N:
I try to post once a week but was travelling internationally from work and once I got back a load of work was waiting for me at home and at, well, work. So here goes...
Thank you so much for all the reviews and requests and correspondence, you make it all worthwhile.
Chapter 10:
She's back in New York, driving the squad car back to the precinct under a grey sky. She's been driving for hours, longer than it took her to get out of the city, because this time she has to deal with traffic and absent mindedness. She left the hotel early that morning, after spending a mostly sleepless night there. When she went downstairs at 6am, her eyes searched for him, when she walked towards the car in the parking lot she was looking for another familiar vehicle but didn't see any. Elliot was gone.
Driving alone for hours in her state wasn't a good idea. Too much time to think. She didn't want to think, remember or feel. But she did all three.
She remembered the feeling of his body against hers, his warmth. She remembered everything and it wasn't a good thing. She thought about whose fault it'd been, she wondered what had made him touch her like that after so many years – alcohol, rage, lust, hate, love, what? And what part had she played in it – she'd been an active participant, and the fact that she finally stopped it wasn't an excuse. It was fucked up and wrong all along and she probably knew it all along, because he wasn't hers, never had been, not at that moment and certainly not after. And worse - he wasn't even the partner or friend he used to be. She felt that this should be her turning point, that maybe this had to happen for her to realize that.
And now she'll have to deal with it, because she has no intention of running away this time. She has work to do. She's going to find Sarah, and if this means that she'll have to work with him and with Garcia, then so be it.
When she enters the squadroom, neither Fin, Munch nor Elliot are at their desks. Cragen's door is open and she walks straight in. He lifts his eyes from the documents on his desk and looks at her. "You're early," he says and there's a question there. She left before the conference ended.
"Yeah, today was just the wrap up and with everything that had happened with Sarah, I wanted to be here."
Her Captain nods, as if considering whether to reproach her or not. "Did you talk to Elliot?" he ends up asking and she has no idea what to give as an answer.
"Yes, briefly," she lies. "D'you expect him here today?"
"Was here yesterday, said he'd be in touch today. He probably needed some break from it all. Knowing him, he'd jump right back in today." He speaks and her heart beats, because - was she the break?
She sits on one of the chairs in front of him. "I was thinking…what if Sarah knows other establishments, other prestigious places, my bet is those that are run by Ukrainian women, those that 'grew from within', and this is where she goes?"
"Ok?" he urges her for more.
"Give me one day to try this on my own. I'll let go if I don't make any progress," she replies, knowing that what her Captain should actually do is give this to the Feds and let them run this. But from the look on his face she can tell that he too has had enough and that he'd let her take this.
"One day, Benson," he points with his finger and she closes her eyes for a moment, pressing her lips together in agreement.
eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeo
"I'm not from Vice," she hears herself repeat for the seventeenth time that day. It's 8pm and she's dead tired. "I just want you to look at this picture," she asks the woman in front of her. And God might still care for her, because the expression on the woman's face changes although she shakes her head in the negative.
"You do recognize her," Olivia insists.
After some explaining, pleading and finally threatening that she'll call Vice, the woman agrees to direct her to someone named Penny, who might know where Sarah is.
When she leaves the place she calls Cragen. "I've got something," she updates.
"Don't go anywhere, I'll join you," he replies. He hasn't heard from Elliot, except for one text message that said 'we're working on it, I'll be in touch'.
Olivia drives to the apartment the woman has directed her to and parks at some distance from the building. She's waiting for Cragen in the car, swiping her palms over her face, then pulling down the sun visor and looking at the dark circles around her eyes, at her grey skin and overall drained looks. She then slams it back up and takes another sip from the coffee she got at the nearest bodega.
A car parks not far from her and she watches a tall man entering the building. She continues waiting and then another car pulls over not far from her. She doesn't recognize it, but she knows the man that steps out of the passenger's side door. It's her Captain. What the hell, she manages to think right before the driver's door and the backseat door open in synch.
Elliot Stabler steps out of the driver's side and Agent Lori Garcia from the back, and the three of them start walking towards the squad car. "Fuck," she mumbles to herself, takes a deep breath, her eyes flicker shut for a moment to gather strength, and then she opens the door and scrambles out.
"Hey," they all say pretty much at once. Her eyes avoid those of Elliot but meet Lori's. The FBI agent looks weary but she greets Olivia with a small smile.
"It's up there," Olivia says, pivoting towards the building, "third floor."
"Do you know anything about this Penny?" Cragen asks.
"No. Olga, the woman I talked to, didn't go into much detail, but I think Penny is retired or something, she's helped several women already," she replies, looking at no one but her Captain.
Elliot stands there and she feels his eyes on her as she speaks, but she doesn't dare to look in his direction. "That's the best we have at this point. Let's get going," he says when she's done, his voice rugged and her eyes automatically turn towards him but she averts them immediately. He's in a suit and tie and he looks so much like ordinary Elliot that it unnerves her even more, as if it further establishes the fact that everything that has happened to them lately is not some dream or nightmare, but a reality.
"Should we all go in?" Lori asks as they start walking.
"No, let Olivia handle that," Cragen says, his tone leaves no room for arguments. Although he's not Lori's commander, his tone of voice tells her that he's lost his patience and that she'd better not insist on this one. "Elliot can go in with her," Cragen adds as they reach the entrance.
It's a nice building in a nice residential area and they all go up to the third floor, but once they reach it, Cragen and Lori remain at the stairwell, while Elliot and Olivia turn right in the hallway and stop at the apartment door.
When she knocks on the door, she notices Elliot placing his hand over his Glock. She knocks again and when there's no answer she turns her head and their eyes meet for the first time. She chews the inside of her bottom lip, she's focused now, more than she has been in a while, disengaged from anything but the mission at hand. She breaks their gaze and looks at the door again. Elliot rubs a hand over his mouth and chin, pondering their options, and exactly then the door cracks open and a woman is peaking through it. "Can I help you?" she asks with a distant remnant of an accent.
"Penny?" Olivia asks.
"Who's asking?" the woman questions.
"I'm Sarah's friend," Olivia manages to say before the woman quickly closes the door. But Elliot is quicker, he leans over Olivia, his body brushing hers in the process, and he gets his foot in the door, stopping it from getting shut.
"We're the Police, Penny," Olivia then says, her tone deliberately soft. "We're worried about her, she's in danger and we want to make sure she's ok."
The woman has no choice but to let go of the door, and they follow her into the apartment.
They speak to her for several minutes, gathering from her that Sarah called her and that the only help she could give her was to direct her to a friend of hers in Boston who could host her for some time. During the interview Olivia finds that old habits are hard to break. Her gaze keeps crossing with that of Elliot, as they wordlessly assert between them that the information they get is valid, as they decide on the next question and who should ask it, or when they've had enough. They're being cops, partners, and not two people who furiously and stupidly broke an impassable boundary for the first time in so many years last night.
When they're all outside of the building, they stand next to the squad car Olivia arrived in. "If you managed to get to her, Nikita's bosses might too," Lori says and Olivia tries to decide if it's an insult, a criticism or an advice, but she knows that whichever it is, Lori is right. "I'll make sure to put a detail on her just for a while," Lori adds.
"I'll contact the relevant people in Boston," Cragen says and Lori chimes in with "we will too," gesturing at Elliot, and Olivia wonders if Elliot is by any chance transferring to the FBI or if Lori just can't get anything done alone.
"Good, we'll be in touch tomorrow," Cragen sums up. "I'll ride with you," he then addresses Olivia and she nods.
"Good lead, Olivia," Elliot says quietly, his eyes intent on her. She only nods her head once and they break eye contact. "I'll talk to you tomorrow," he adds as Lori starts leaving for the car they arrived in, and Olivia has no idea if this is meant at her or at Cragen.
Only when she climbs back into the car and in her peripheral view sees Elliot walking away with Lori, she grits her teeth, inhaling deeply through her nose in an attempt to remain calm.
"I was about to leave when Elliot called. They're following a lead on the inmate that killed Nikita, hoping to get something from that quarter too. He called to update on their strategy, so I updated him too." Cragen says as soon as he's seated next to her, explaining why he's arrived with Elliot and Lori, and she wonders what he knows or suspects.
"It's ok, we would have updated them anyway," she replies.
"Are you two ok?" he then asks, looking at her as she shifts into gear. She probably hesitates for too long, because he then adds "when this case is over, you'll have to work together. Don't let this be your breaking point."
Work together again. If only he knew. But she doesn't say a thing. She only lets a fast, small, fake smile cross her face. Till they reach the One Six, neither speaks.
Back in her apartment, Olivia takes a long shower and crawls into bed. Luckily, despite everything, she falls asleep almost immediately.
eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeo
The next morning she's back at work. They haven't heard back from Boston yet and there are other cases that they need to handle. To her surprise, Elliot walks into the precinct not long after she does, clad in a suit and tie, two coffee cups in his hands, heading straight to his desk, hardly stopping even when he places one cup on her desk. Her eyes follow him, and he then returns her gaze when he's finally seated.
"Witnesses questioning for the Burke case today?" he asks as if they're in a middle of a regular work schedule and on regular terms with each other.
She's confused for a moment, but gets a grip pretty fast. "Yeah. I was going to ride with Fin, but I guess…," she replies without really finishing the sentence. Really? Really? They're just supposed to continue as usual now?
"Leave in ten?" he asks, his eyes on his computer screen already, probably going through his emails.
"Yep," she mumbles.
Ten minutes later they walk towards the squad car without exchanging one word. She drives and he sits by her side, holding the list of addresses she's handed him before they left the precinct. "Cut through here," he says, as she maneuvers the car through traffic. And the few words they exchange till lunch are about the addresses, the traffic and the people they talk to.
The air in the car feels more condensed than ever and the inconvenience between them is so palpable that it's as if it has never been any different, as if they have always been so cautious with their words, looks and physical distance.
They get a lunch via the first drive thru they notice. Elliot's driving and he parks the car not far from the next address they have to visit and they eat silently. There's a lump in her throat and she takes little bites just to seem unconcerned, at least as much as he does, but what she wants more than anything is to be out of this car. She's contemplating stepping out and going to sit on a nearby bench alone. This proximity is too much to bear and with every hour that goes by, the poison of their silence, of their avoidance of what has happened, only spreads further.
She wonders how serene he could be and how much more aggravated this could make her, when his voice suddenly cuts through the stuffed atmosphere of the car. "Liv, I'm sorry…about the other day."
Her heart misses a beat and the bite she's just swallowed threatens to make its way back up her throat. Her head turns in his direction and she's dumbfounded for a moment. "Ok," she manages to utter though what she really wants to ask is 'which part'.
"The whole thing…the last few weeks," he continues, as if he hasn't made a pause, as if he's heard her silent question. His eyes are on hers for a second, but then he averts his gaze.
She bites her bottom lip. "Yeah," escapes her mouth.
"I didn't mean to…it was never a good idea," he half mumbles, staring through the wind shield, and her heart rate doubles. Never? What's he saying here? After a pause he adds "I don't want to throw away everything we…have…," he stumbles on the words and she has no idea what the fuck he means. Isn't it too late for that? Right now they have nothing really, he's been busy throwing it away for a while now.
But she can't speak, not right now. It's all too raw. The clasp around her heart isn't letting go and it keeps her mute. She takes a swig off the soda bottle that is nestled in her palm, then chucks her half-eaten sandwich back into the paper bag.
"Liv?" he asks and his head turns in her direction. She doesn't return his glance, her eyes are glued to the wind shield.
"When d'you think we'll hear back from Boston?" she ends up saying when her peripheral view affirms that Elliot has averted his gaze from her profile. She needs to get this conversation back to the only place it can go – work.
"Tomorrow the latest," he replies and his voice is hoarse. He wipes his hands with a napkin and starts the engine. After a short drive they get to the next address and continue their day as if his attempt at apologizing and by that further abrading the wound, has never happened. As if nothing has ever happened, as if they were distant colleagues that by mere chance can read each other's minds during an investigation.
Back in the One Six they summarize everything that they managed to gather during the day. Fin, Munch and their Captain are there too, and they all discuss the case. It's after 7pm and she thinks that surviving this day has been one of the hardest things she's done. She won't be able to face another. Something will have to change. She can't be that serene for much longer, she can't fake it either. And eventually she'll come undone. So he'd better not be around for that. It'd be the cherry at the top of her humiliation.
And just then, like some haunting punishment, Agent Garcia walks into the squadroom, stopping to stand next to all of them. "We'll have to be in Boston to do this," she announces to no one in particular, but after roaming around her eyes park on Elliot. Olivia has noticed how his body has stiffened upon Lori's entrance and how his jaw muscles dance now. "There's a flight pass in your email already," she speaks to Elliot now, and then, turning to Cragen she adds "Benson's got one too." She then moves her eyes to Olivia.
"What happened?" Cragen asks.
"Our guys there found Vicky, the woman Penny directed us to, but she's not cooperating. I think we should have a go at this. Riordan agrees." She adds that last part after a beat and just by this Olivia can imagine how Lori now has to explain her every move to her CO, after she's fucked up with Nikita.
"Good call. You'll need both my Detectives to do the talking," Cragen establishes, implying Lori's incapacity to handle this.
"Well, Vicky's still an escort, we'll have to maneuver her to talking to us, so one SVU detective could have been enough, but I thought Benson would want to be there too," Lori replies and Olivia wonders if that's her idea of an olive branch. She also observes Lori's use of her last name, probably aimed at keeping their personal issues under wraps.
"Olivia found Penny, this is hers," Elliot says just as Cragen starts with "I want Olivia there."
Olivia notices the change in Lori's face. A red glow climbs from her neck. "This should have been ours to begin with," Cragen continues. "When we find Sarah, we'll handle her, and you can continue on your own after the bigger target."
Lori nods once, and Olivia wonders if that's the closest that her Captain can get to telling her off and basically remind everyone that Elliot's work with the FBI is done once they find Sarah.
"When's the flight?" Elliot then asks and Lori turns to him.
"First thing tomorrow morning. It's a shuttle we have, the pass will get you through. I'll see you at the airport?" she asks, her eyes moving between Elliot's and Olivia's faces.
Olivia only nods in agreement. Elliot closes his eyes once in assertion.
"Ok, folks, go home, it's getting late and everyone's got their work cut out for them tomorrow," Cragen then calls out and the little huddle disperses. Olivia moves towards her seat, while Elliot and Lori remain to stand together. She can't hear what they're saying but soon afterwards Lori leaves. Elliot doesn't stall much longer and five minutes later he grabs his suit jacket from the back of his chair. "Need me to pick you up tomorrow?" he asks.
"No, I'll be fine," she says, swallowing and hearing it amplified in her ears. Need? You? No. I'm trying not to.
"Ok, see you at the airport then," he replies, bites his lower lip and then, after what seems like a moment of hesitation, he walks past her, mumbling "night, Liv," on his way out.
When the sound of his footsteps is gone, she slumps into her chair, her hands move to cover her mouth, as if her body knows it needs to block the scream that has built inside her all day long.
Great, just when she thought that things couldn't have been worse, the deities ensure she understands that it could get worse. Much worse. Alone in Boston with Elliot and Lori.
eoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeo
Her fingernails sink into his skin when he picks up the cadence and she starts breathing faster, moaning quietly in between when he brings her up and up and up and up.