The Marauders Discover Fanfiction

Chapter Ten: MOTHER?!

First Uploaded: June 6th, 2014

Re-done: August 3rd, 2015

Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would have written a marauder-mini series. Since that didn't happen, I'm not JK Rowling, thus Harry Potter doesn't belong to me.

NOTE: This oneshot is dark. Not funny. Sorry!

Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly. The four marauders had not been able to go to sleep for a long time, even after they had gone to bed. Especially Remus, who had been tossing and turning until dawn. He had not been able to wrap his head around the fact that they had somehow been given a futuristic device, not to mention the fact that there were stories about them.

"Fermis Drachum," he mumbled to the fat lady. She swung forward to reveal James and Sirius having a rather loud argument.

"I can't believe you told her!" Sirius shouted at James.

"Why shouldn't I? Those stories are just as much about her as about us!"

"Yeah, then why don't you just go and tell Snivellus as well? He's in them too!"

"Well, sorry if I-"

"What's going on?" Remus interrupted.

Sirius started talking before James could even open his mouth. "James told Lily about the stories. He spent the entire free period explaining everything to her, whilst I was doing homework!" Remus raised an eyebrow. "Erm, I mean, whilst I was copying your Trasfiguration essay!"

"So, what's the problem?" Remus asked.

"But- well- I mean…" Sirius spluttered.

"I know Lily, and I know that she wouldn't report us to Dumbledore. I also know that she would enjoy reading those stories as much as we do. In fact, I think we should read them now, with her." Remus said evenly.

Sirius started to protest, but Remus and James had already marched up to the dormitory.

Once they were in the room, Remus carefully took the laptop from the table, and put it in his bag.

"Let's find Lily." He said.

Meanwhile, Sirius stubbornly sat in one of the couches in the common room. Peter, who was very confused, due to the fact that he had only entered the common room a couple of minutes ago, and had thus missed the big argument, sat down as well, knowing better than to prod for details.

A moment later, Lily walked through the portrait hole with a few of her friends, when she spotted Peter and Sirius and went over to them.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi." Sirius replied, refusing to look at her.

Thankfully, before the situation got any more awkward, James and Remus walked down the stairs. The two boys walked over to the group.

"Hi Lily!" Remus said cheerfully. He turned to the others. "Shall we go to the empty classroom on the fourth floor, near the tapestry of Ulk Umbert's adventures?"

The others agreed (no matter how angry Sirius was, he didn't want to miss out on any of the stories).

"So, Lily, I trust James explained the situation to you?" Remus asked.

Lily nodded. "And he gave me a detailed description of each story. So, yes, I know about Fanfiction now."

"What do you think?" Remus asked.

"It's odd, isn't it? I mean, why would people write stories about us? And how do they know such details about our lives now?"

"I think that we're probably famous in the future." Sirius said, setting aside his anger. After all, if he had to choose anybody aside from the marauders to know about the device, it would be Lily. Besides, what good was it holding a petty grudge and missing out on the fun?

Lily laughed. "Well, let's hope that's the case. Anyway, are we going to read a story now? I'm quite curious."

"Yes! This story is called Mother?!, and it lists Remus and Lily as the protagonists. I'll read it, shall I?" Peter said.

Remus Lupin woke up on a Monday morning in July.

"Mummy?" he asked sleepily.

"I don't call my mum 'mummy', I promise!" Remus said when the others looked at him.

Lily Lupin

"Remus, you had better not be married to Lily in this!" James said, looking pointedly at Remus.

"Hey," Remus said, raising his hands in defence. "I think we established that we can't help who we are in Fanfiction!"

came into the room. "Hello, munchkin!"

"Oh my gosh… The horrid pet names!" Sirius said, wincing.

"Mourning, Mummy!"

This took a moment to sink in.

"Wait a moment, so Lily, who is younger than me, is suddenly my MOTHER?" Remus asked.

"Seems like it…" Peter said hesitantly.

"Oh. I see. And, not to mention the fact that that would be absolutely impossible, I seem to have really weird pet names for you." Lily said. Although James had given her an exact description of the stories the others had encountered, she had not been fully prepared for this.

"I'll go and make you a cup of tea!" she said, giving him a quick kiss on the head.

"This is just so weird." Lily said.

It might seem weird that Remus Lupin was seventeen years old, exactly the age that Lily Lupin looked.

"Yes, that is weird. Very weird, in fact."

Lily was in fact over eighty,

"Wait, what?" Lily said.

"Lily, it's Fanfiction. We've learned to just go with it. The authors usually explain it, and if they don't, it doesn't really matter, anyway." Sirius said.

but, thanks to magical resources, she still looked like a young girl.

"I know that it's possible to magically make yourself look younger, but I really doubt that it would be possible for an eighty year old woman to look like a seventeen year old." Lily said.

She was very protective of her little 'Remi-poo',

Remus winced at the ridiculous pet name.

in fact, she had insisted on going to Hogwarts as well, so that she could watch him 24/7.

"You are a really creepy mother." Sirius said, looking at Lily.

"Hey, I thought we agreed that we have no influence on what these authors write about us." Lily said.

"I still wouldn't let you have my children." Sirius said.

Lily snorted. "Luckily that isn't an issue…"

If a girl ever even dared to look at her 'baby sugarplum', Lily quickly took care of them.

"That… That sounds really scary, Lily." James said.

"Is it only me that has the impression that Lily 'offs' Remus' love interests?" Peter said.

"I think that that's what the author is trying to convey…"

"Lily, are you or are you not my secret mother?" Remus asked seriously.

"I- er, I'm not!" Lily said.

"Good." He said with a straight face. When he saw Lily's confused expression, though, he burst out laughing. "Don't worry, Lily. I'm messing with you." He told her.

If a teacher dared to give her 'dolly pie'

"These pet names are just getting worse and worse." Lily said.

any trouble, she quickly made sure that they couldn't do that anymore.

"Wow. So Lily is a stalking, over-protective, psychopathic mother." Sirius said. "Are you having second thoughts yet, James?"

"Piss off." James said, shaking his head.

Now, Lily was starting to worry about her 'little sugarquills' friends. She thought they were being a bad influence, so she had decided to put a stop to that.

"Oh gosh. Lily, are you planning to kill us?"

"I'm not, no, but you'd better ask Fanfiction!me." She said.

"Re-re!"

"I think I just vomited a little inside my mouth." Remus said.

she called. Her son came down the stairs. "I made you breakfast!" she told him, giving him a hug. "Honey-bunny,

"Lily, take a piece of advice: Never, I repeat, NEVER try to give anyone pet names." Sirius stated.

"If I ever have kids, I swear that I'll not call them any of the thus far mentioned." Lily said, suppressing a smile.

I really want you to be a good boy today. I want to ask you something: where are your friends?"

"Don't tell her, Remus!"

Remus replied innocently, "Well, Sirius and James are at James' place, and Peter is in Spain."

"Pfew, I'm in Spain. Finally a Fanfiction that doesn't hate me, kill me or casually forget to mention me." Peter said.

"What about us? A eighty year old, psychopathic Lily is coming to kill us!" James said.

Lily was silent for a moment. "Erm, thanks, my little Babymaby." She went upstairs, taking her emergency kit

"Oh, oh."

out of the secret corner of her closet.

She pulled on a pair of leather gloves, and took her razor-sharp knife out of the kit.

"This is where she turns into a real psycho." Peter warned them. "I, uh, don't think we should continue."

"I second that…" Lily said. "I can't tell you how weird it is to read about myself like this…"

"Sorry, no-can-do, sweetheart." Sirius said. "You have to finish reading one if you want to see the next one!"

She ran her index finger along the blade,

"Oh my gosh. I'm really freaking myself out right now." Lily said.

creating a small, red cut, with drops of blood flowing out.

She put her finger to her nose, and inhaled deeply.

"I am beginning to regret James telling me about all this Fanfiction. I think I'm losing sanity already." Lily said nervously.

"I'm sorry that you had to start with such a creepy, dark one. Some of them are great, really." Sirius said. "They can be super amusing."

Then she put her finger in her mouth, and sucked on it, her eyes closed in bliss.

Everyone looked disturbed, especially Lily.

"Mum?" Remus' voice came from downstairs.

"Coming, my delicious pumpkin pie!"

"She had to say 'delicious pumpkin pie' whilst she was sucking on her own blood through a wound she created." Peter said. "I really don't like this one."

She stuffed the knife into her handbag, and put the gloves in as well. Using her wand, she repaired the cut on the index finger of the glove, and healed her wound.

"Erm, right. The next part is really dark. I think I'll just read it quickly." Peter said, looking worried.

When she took care of people, she didn't use bloodless spells. Those were not satisfying enough for her. She wanted to see that blood flow from the wounds, she wanted to see the mangled body after she was finished with them. She wanted to see them scream in pain, she wanted to hear the flesh rip when she ran the knife through them.

Lily looked absolutely horrified. The others looked appalled, and Peter was looking worried as he glanced around at the others nervously.

"I- I… This is horrible. Absolutely horrifyingly horrible." She said.

James sat down next to her, and took her hand. She didn't take it away, as she might have on a normal day, but instead she let him comfort her.

Sirius said, "So, how about we quickly finish this one,"

"There are only about five sentences left," Peter added.

"And then read something really happy." Sirius said, glancing at Lily's pale face.

Lily nodded. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that some people would write and read that sort of thing for fun.

James squeezed her hand, and she smiled at him weakly.

Peter cleared his throat. "Er, I'll continue reading, then."

"My little baby?" she shouted from upstairs.

"Just a quick reminder that I'm seventeen," Remus said in a half-hearted attempt to lighten the atmosphere.

"Yes mum?" Remus called from below.

"Mummy needs to go out for a while! Be a good little chocolate-bite!" she shouted.

She then grabbed her broom, and flew out of it, already imagining the blood she would soon see.

The End- Or is it?

"It's over." Peter said, letting himself relax.

"I don't… I can't believe that someone actually WROTE that!" Lily said. She found that she was actually shaking, and James gripped her hands tightly.

"Let's read another one!" Sirius said with false cheerfulness, trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere that had now settled on them.

"Okay," Lily said. "Anything is better than this."

And so the group waited, hoping that the computer would choose a nice, happy Fanfiction that they could all laugh at.

A/N: It's not funny. Not at all. Sorry that this chapter was so dark, but I was browsing around for inspiration, and I discovered a horrible, horrible, disgusting Fanfiction, one that was even worse than this. The concept was the same, except that Hermione was Neville's psychopathic mum.

I really felt sick after reading it…

Love you all, and see you next time with a funny oneshot!

Xo

~Coco