For the next few hours, Chakotay reviewed the reports of Harry, Tom, B'Elanna and Tuvok's in the course of the repair and made the decision to forego the stop at Deep Space Nine and proceed at a lower speed to retrieve the necessary resources for the station. While in his ready room, Chakotay had a very important thing he needed to take care of – he needed to contact Kate's fiancé to let him know that everything was okay should he receive any sort of feedback while stationed on DS9. Chakotay worked feverishly at his communication station before he was finally able to get a visual relay with one of the head crew members onboard DS9. He asked them to please help him get in contact with Dr. Michael Killarney. In a matter of seconds, a face appeared on Chakotay's screen. He quickly studied the individual knowing that this could possibly one day be his son-in-law. Putting all his questions about his life aside, Chakotay pressed forward.
"Dr. Michael Killarney, I presume?"
"Yes, I'm Dr. Killarney or just Michael, please."
"I'm Captain Chakotay of the USS Voyager."
Michael smiled, "I've heard a lot about you, Captain."
Chakotay smiled, "All good things, I hope?"
Michael laughed a hearty laugh, which was entirely Irish to coincide with his thick accent. "But, of course, Katy wouldn't have anything but positive things to say about you. I'm not sure we can say that about her mother currently though. Sorry, Captain."
Chakotay knew he would like Michael almost immediately. "Chakotay, please, and yes, I completely understand about the Admiral. I'm currently in her crosshairs at this very moment."
"Ouch! Not a pleasant place to be, I know that for a fact. To what do I owe this please of speaking with you today?"
Chakotay's expression turned serious. "As you may or may not know, Voyager was dispatched on a mission to recover the reserves for DS9. While we were en route, we encountered large space debris of some sort, which caused a large tear to our exterior hull."
Michael nodded his head. "Let me guess, Katy volunteered to go out and repair the damage just as she's done on several other space missions?"
Chakotay nodded. "You're correct. The damage to our ship was critical. Had she not repaired it, there was a substantial chance that our ship would likely have sustained an utter hull breech. However, while she was finishing her repair work, something malfunctioned in her spacesuit. Eventually it led to a tear. She would not allow us to pull her in until she completed the repair to the ship. By the time we had pulled her in, her body temperature was extremely low. She wasn't breathing and was unconscious. She isn't dead, but the Doctor has locked myself and Kathryn out of sickbay while he works on her. I wanted to let you know personally as I know you are her fiancé and deserve to know."
Michael's expression never changed, which somewhat surprised Chakotay. "I appreciate you contacting me and letting me know. I can only imagine that you are having the blame laid on your shoulders, specifically by her mother. But, Chakotay, Katy knew the risk. She knew it each and every single time she's stepped outdoors on any of her space walks and repairs, which she has done more of than she will likely ever admit to you or the Admiral and more than is even recorded in her logs. She's always willing to sacrifice herself for the greater good, and that's a quality that not many people are willing to endure. If there's any way I could be routed through to sickbay, I'd like to conference with the Doctor."
Chakotay nodded his head and put him on hold while he contacted the Doctor, who initially did not want to be bothered but when he realized he could likely get some assistance and advice from another doctor, he jumped at the opportunity. Chakotay stayed in his ready room for a little while longer thinking over his conversation with Michael before finally deciding to head back to sickbay to see if there was any update on Kate.
Unbeknownst to him, Kathryn, who had been hidden away in her quarters sulking and pondering life, had the same decision to head to sickbay at the time he did. She arrived first and when she stepped in front of the doors, they refused to budge open.
"Computer, open doors to sickbay," she stated.
"Access denied."
"Computer, override restriction. Code Janeway Alpha 422."
"Access is denied."
She was about to drop a curse word when Chakotay rounded the corner. She jumped in front of him and practically slammed him in to the bulkhead.
"You did this, didn't you?" she barked at him with rage in her eyes.
He furrowed his eyebrows in complete confusion before questioning, "I did what, Admiral?"
"Locked me out of sickbay."
"What?" he asked while stepping around her and heading towards the doors himself where he also could not get the doors to open.
"Computer, override restriction using code Chakotay Omega Pi 434."
"That access code is denied."
"Bloody hell," he said quietly under his breath but it didn't escape Kathryn's ears. She kind of smirked at hearing him drop a curse word as it was highly out of character for him to do so.
He turned back to face the doors pondering whether he could forcibly open them, and just as he was about to consider that Kathryn started up again.
"Did you suggest to him to lock me out of sickbay? You have no right to block her mother out of sickbay. I deserve to know the status of my daughter…" she continued to rant but Chakotay had had enough.
He spun around and grabbed her by the arms and propelled her backwards against the other bulkhead. Her back rested against the actual bulkhead while he was pressed against her mere millimeters from crushing in to her body. If this had been any other type of situation, Kathryn would have been highly turned on by his forcefulness, but the look in his eyes did not betray the hunger that she had seen one other time. This time his eyes betrayed anger, frustration and a slight twinge of hurt and worry. He still held her firmly in his grasp and if any officer had come down the hall and seen them in such a situation, the rumor mill onboard Voyager would be flying at warp ten.
They stood there locking eyes and not saying a word for what seemed like minutes. Time seemed to stand still. Both of their breathing was slightly heavier than usual because of the anger and frustration that had been welling up inside of both of them. Just as they were both about to speak, and very likely have another argument again, the Doctor materialized beside of them.
"Would the two of you please quiet and calm down? If not, I'm recommending the both of you go visit the ship counsellor and receive some sort of treatment."
They were both initially startled at his materialization. Chakotay still had not let go of Kathryn, let alone backed away from his close proximity to her. The Doctor couldn't help but smirk at the predicament he had caught them in.
"It's not what it looks like," Chakotay responded while backing off from the Admiral.
The Doctor looked from Chakotay to Kathryn before replying, "I should hope not after the screaming and fussing I heard just a few moments ago. If it was what it could have been misconstrued for, well, then I would be highly con…"
Kathryn, who had been quieter for longer than Chakotay assumed, finally interrupted the babbling doctor. "Doctor, do you have an update?"
The Doctor stepped back a little from the Captain and the Admiral. "Yes, currently, we have the temperature of sickbay set at an all-time high in hopes of boosting her body temperature back to normal. The initial scans and tests we've done are showing no actual physical damage to her body. There are no signs of freeze or burns. Her brain waves look normal, but she's still in a comatose state, which I want her to remain in until her body temperature rises a little more. Thankfully, Captain, speaking with Dr. Killarney helped to add a few useful ideas that I had not considered," he paused as the Admiral raised her hand to interject.
Her eyebrows raised, she exclaimed, "You talked with Michael? I mean Dr. Killarney?"
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, ma'am. He was on conference with the Captain and he transferred him over to me. We had a good little chat about medical…" he was cut off as Kathryn spun on her heels so quickly that it caught both the Doctor and Chakotay by surprise.
"You talked to Michael?!" she practically shouted.
Chakotay couldn't help but roll his eyes and shake his head. "As Captain of this ship, I felt it was my duty to at least reach out to the Commander's fiancé to relay to him the situation. We were en route to collect reserves for DS9, so I didn't think it would be right for him to hear of her accident from the rumor mill on DS9. It was merely a courtesy that I did, and while I was talking to him, he asked to speak with the Doctor to get a medical opinion and provide some useful insight."
Fortunately, the Doctor jumped in before Kathryn could reply. "I think you did the right thing, Captain, as Dr. Killarney specializes in a variety of treatments related to similar situations as what the Commander is facing. He is one of the best medical doctors that Starfleet has."
Chakotay nodded his head in appreciation. "So, the short and sweet, Doc, is she going to be alright?"
The Doctor smiled, "The Commander is one of the toughest individuals that I've ever known. I honestly do not know how it is possible that she stayed outside with that tear in her suit and malfunction prior to the tear without having some degree of freeze burns or other physical injuries. She has none other than just getting her body temperature to return to normal. Obviously, the slower that takes it can cause other internal issues, but we are monitoring those closely. I have restricted access to sickbay as it is very, very hot in there and we have soaked her in warm baths, etc. I know the both of you are upset at my restricting access but it is for her protection and recovery. I know both of you are not only her senior officers but you are additionally her parents, but if the two of you continue to go at each other's throats in the manner in which are you doing, I will continue to restrict access to her. I'll notify the both of you when you are allowed in to sickbay. In the meantime, I suggest you both go get something to eat and attempt to calm yourselves down."
And with that, the Doctor disappeared back in to sickbay leaving Kathryn and Chakotay standing in the hallway. Kathryn, who was still a little rattled by Chakotay's earlier movements, glanced up at him and eyed him suspiciously. She knew she had been gravely out of line, but how to address that was an entirely different topic. She thought she heard him mumble something, but she couldn't make it out.
"What?" she asked trying to soften her voice.
"I just said I'm sorry," he replied quietly.
She glanced up at him and they held eye contact for a little while longer. She knew she was the one who needed to apologize, but she didn't even know how to bring herself to do such. After staring deep in to her soul and receiving no response, Chakotay turned on his heels and headed down the opposite hallway.
"Cha," she started to call out in barely a whisper. Whether he heard it or not, she didn't know as he never turned to glance back at her but instead pressed onward.
She retreated to her quarters where she did replicate some food before curling up with a book and her coffee. Try as she might, she couldn't pay attention to the book she was reading as her was mind was whirling a mile a minute. She retreated to her personal belongings and pulled out her journals where she'd pinned her thoughts over the years. It was in those journals that she kept the letter from Chakotay, as well as some letters from Kate. She sat back down and began to re-read those. She needed to soul search and determine what her future held for herself because the tension was eating her alive, and she wasn't sure how much more she could endure. After taking a few moments to ponder her thoughts, she did something she never dared doing. She sent access to one of her most personal logs directly to Chakotay. He had a right to know why she was so hurt and what in her past had scarred her so deeply and caused her to push him further and further away. She had penned this on the night of her birthday celebration with him all those years ago. She couldn't tell him face-to-face as it was too painful, but this would open up her soul to him in more ways than one.
After returning to the bridge to check on the status of their mission to retrieve the reserves, Chakotay informed the bridge crew that he was going to retreat to his quarters for a few hours. He needed to eat and had some reports and tasks he needed to focus on. Alpha shift would be ending soon, so he bid a good evening to the bridge crew and thanked them profusely for all their hard work earlier that day. He eventually made his way back to his quarters where after eating a quick bite, he decided to perform a Native American meditation ritual in which he hoped would send some positive vibes throughout the ship, as well as impact Kate's frame of mind and aid in her recovery, much as they had done many years ago with him.
As he was finishing his meditation, he noticed the light on his personal workstation was blinking. He retreated to his desk and while standing, he logged on to the system. When he realized the message was from Kathryn, he came close to turning off the screen, until he noticed the date and realized suddenly what this was. Carefully, he pulled out his desk chair and sat down and began reading:
Chakotay – Maybe this will help you understand things a little better. And, I'm sorry, too. ~Kathryn
Stardate, oh forget the Stardate, it's May 20, 2378, my birthday.
Where do I even begin to write this personal log entry? Seven years trapped in the Delta Quadrant with the weight of the world upon my shoulders has nearly made me forget my birthday each year, as I haven't ever really felt like celebrating. This year, things are a little different as we've made contact with Starfleet and have been in communication with relatives back in the Alpha Quadrant. To say it makes me feel relieved is an understatement. Just that piece of communication from home is all that most of my crew has needed. But truth be told, it is also somewhat bittersweet.
Call me crazy, but I've grown accustomed to my crew and we have all become like family these past seven years. While I would do anything to get home, sooner rather than later, part of me fears returning to the Alpha Quadrant and the memories that will come back for me returning there. Early on, when Voyager left on our mission to stop the Maquis, I dreamed of returning home to Mollie and ultimately marrying Mark. But whether I would have ever married Mark is an entirely different story, but thankfully, I don't have to ponder that any longer as he's moved on, for which I am grateful and wish him well.
Had you ever told me that I would fall madly in love with anyone other than Justin, I would have told you and everyone else in the world they were crazy. The moment Justin rescued me from my harrowing and absolutely terrifying situation with the Cardassians, I was immediately attracted to him, and that eventually turned in to more. Justin knew what happened to me at the hands of the Cardassians, something that no one else, not even my father, mother or sister know, and he always vowed to keep my secret safe and keep me safe. Justin was my love and when he was killed, a part of me died. A part of me became so angry and vowed to get revenge on any type of rebel or anyone that would go against Starfleet and their hallowed protocol. But part of me also became scared and built up walls to protect myself vowing to myself that I would never fall madly in love and let anyone ever get that close to me again because I could not and cannot bear the thought of losing someone else again.
But leave it to Kathryn Janeway, Captain of the USS Voyager, to not be able to resist temptation when it stares her straight in the eye. I fell in love. No, I am madly in love with an initial rebel but someone who makes me feel completely whole, safe, secure and protected. To be honest with myself, I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life and that includes Justin. No matter when I see Chakotay on my ship, butterflies still echo somewhere deep in my being. The very first time I saw him through the view screen, I was smitten. Then when he stood on my bridge mere centimeters from me with a phaser aimed directly at me, I challenged him and invaded his personal space and my God, he was so, so amazing.
Never in my wildest dreams did little Kathryn Janeway think she would stand a chance with this man. Every female onboard this ship and across the galaxy was in love with him in some way, shape or form. When we were stranded on New Earth, I knew he wanted me to drop the protocol and spend the rest of our lives there together. Kathryn desperately wanted to give in to her temptation, but the Captain was absolutely terrified. If I were to give in to my temptation and allow Chakotay to love me and care for me as I know he would and will, I was absolutely terrified that he would be taken from me, just as Justin had been. After he confessed and told me his love story of the Angry Warrior and the Female Warrior from the neighboring tribe, every fathom of my being wanted to take him to my bed and make passionate love to him, have a family with him and never leave this planet. But Captain Kathryn was petrified and couldn't fight the demons of losing him – he was a rebel, he was a Maquis, I had to defend Starfleet.
What an IDIOT I was on New Earth and so many other times over the past seven years. Even when we've had our biggest of fights, he still has stood by my side. He will protect me from any alien and even myself at times, and I can only imagine how protective he would become over me should he know what happened to me at the hands of the Cardassians, the same race that he hates with a passion because of what they did to his family. He is my voice of reason and isn't afraid to stand up to me. Knowing he sleeps on the opposite side of the bulkhead has sometimes been the only thing that's gotten me through so many restless nights during this never ending voyage.
Today was one of the most amazing and memorable days of my entire life. Chakotay surprised me and took me out on a date for my birthday. He had a holodeck program designed specifically for my birthday that was designed to be like Paris in the early 2000's. We strolled down the streets and through the Parc de Belleville, dined at an amazing restaurant near Notre Dame before climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower. As we were looking out over the grand city, the sky lit up in an immaculate fireworks display and as I turned to him, I couldn't help but notice my breath caught in the back of my throat because of the way he was staring at me. I have never had anyone look at me like that in my entire life. There was so much passion within his look that I felt I was the only person in the universe. Ever so slowly, he kissed me. Alarm bells starting going off inside the Captain's head, but for once in my life, Kathryn fought off the Captain and dropped her guard. I must admit, the man has the most amazing lips that I have ever kissed.
He broke the kiss and pulled out a box from behind his back. As I opened it, I revealed an absolutely beautiful necklace that had a small multi-colored dimensional star on it. Delicately he clasped the necklace around my neck and the star hung perfectly in my v-neckline dress that I had worn for this evening. Eventually, we left the holodeck and he walked me back to my quarters, where I invited him in for a nightcap. Sitting there staring across the sofa at him in the glow of the starlight, his eyes still held the same look that I had seen atop of the Eiffel Tower, and I couldn't resist. I stood from the sofa and extended my hand to him and led him to my bedroom. The rest can only be described as simply magical.
Chakotay made me feel so, so loved tonight. I know I've said it before but I have never felt this way in my entire life, but I also cannot shake the feeling that somehow I am going to lose him and that absolutely terrifies me. While I don't regret finally spending the night with him, actually I would do it again and again if I could, a part of me worries over what may come. I am beyond in love with this man. He is a part of me day in and day out. I can't get him off my mind ever, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him whether it's on Earth or anywhere in between. But should something happen to him, as it did with Justin, I don't know how I will ever, ever recover. I need to talk to him about this and let him know my fears because I ultimately know he can calm me down and assure me that all will work out. I pray that I never lose him because if I were to lose Chakotay, my love, my life, Kathryn may be lost forever…
Chakotay was frozen stiff as he concluded reading her personal log entry. He wished Kathryn had told him this years ago, but he now understood why she hadn't. She was too scared to be so open and then all that happened with Seven, he totally understood why she was so hurt. While it was still a war between the Admiral and Kathryn, he saw why the wall to Kathryn was put up because in some ways, she had been lost, but he was determined to help her recover. His heart ached to hold her and assure her that he would make this right, but he additionally knew that she was suffering all the more now at the possibility of losing Kate, whom she likely loved just as much as she loved him. She loved him, he thought to himself, it was something he always suspected but reading just how long she had been secretly in love with him, couldn't help but bring tears to his eyes.