A/N: Here's the next chapter -hope you enjoy the change of scenery!
The wind, the harsh wind that never had enough spine to blow through King's Landing, broke through my hair as we rode deeper into the mountains of the Vale. I wore no helm like the riders around me, I had no cover to hide under when it suited me. And so, I Helaena Baratheon, rode for once as an equal alongside the only men it was proper for a queen to ride next to as my hair flew back with wild abandon.
The mountains did nothing to lessen the winds once we had made our way among them, but still we rode through it knowing the final stage of the journey would be the most unrelenting.
It had been a fortnight since Lord Arryn's return to King's Landing that it was stated he was to return to the Vale on the way with Lord Stark's return North to visit his young wife -who herself was too weak to travel down to King's Landing after her miscarriage. I would have felt some sympathy for Jon Arryn had I not felt it for his wife -not only was she frailer and even less impregnable than I seemed to be but she was only a young girl, not much younger than I, and yet she was to call husband someone I had only ever associated with fatherhood. And, of course, since Lord Arryn seemed quite unrelenting in talks of an heir with his previous ward's wife I can't imagine how the matter must grate on him when it came to his own family tree.
Jon Arryn had suffered many losses, the Arryn's of the Eyrie had not had the easiest lineage as of late. His first wife had died in childbirth whilst delivering a stillborn daughter, and his second died from a winter chill while bearing him no children. I heard that Lord Arryn's younger brother died of a severe belly ache -if that was at all possible, and his only son was executed by the Mad King -all of Jon's appointed heirs named during that time died one after the other with Denys Arryn perished during the Battle of the Bells. It felt like an awful lot of effort for the Gods to thrust just to make it harder for Jon Arryn to have an heir, and I wondered what sins he was being punished for to deserve such inflictions. One could hardly chalk all of those successive tragedies to mere bad luck, could they? Or was it just not up to any of us mortals to question why things happened the way they did -were we just meant to follow? Whether it was folly from the Gods or atonement, I would never know -for Jon Arryn stood as high as honour and in comparison to the misery he had suffered I could hardly complain about mine.
True to my demands Robert didn't come to my bed since I had told him not to -and true to his word he took up his nights with someone else. It wasn't just a common whore that slept in his bed now, it was a mistress of sorts that was concealed away from me and yet Robert made sure I knew it. He made sure I knew that it was my doing that brought another woman to his bed -even though it was gladly a choice i'd make again were it not for the lingering doubt that whomever he chose would have some sway over him. But then again, he came to my bed many a night before I gave him a princess, and yet my hold on him was minimal to say the least.
We only had Cleora in common now. He was pleasant enough to me when he saw me in the day time save for the handful of outbursts i've had to endure regarding our current status.
"You're a cold, cold woman!" He said in the first days, but I felt nothing -to my very detriment I was proving him right.
The rest of the time he was silent -and he always looked at me like he was in pain. I never imagined that it would be I that inspired that look in his eyes, but it felt less than monumental when I witnessed it for myself.
Our distance was stifling, and so he jumped at the first opportunity of leaving King's Landing farther than his usual hunts. I could hardly expect him not to seeing as it would to him be another adventure with the men that stood in for his brother and father. I would have been happy regardless of my own need to get away from court if he hadn't mentioned that Renly would be coming with them.
The day I heard, I stormed gracefully into his chambers which thankfully held only him at that time of day, and the ensuing entrance arrested Robert enough to make him listen to me.
"I want to come with you, to the Eyrie." It was enough to grant me his silence for all of a few seconds before his eyes pointed back decidedly at me.
"What are you talking about?" He knew, far better than anything I had ever said to him, just what I was talking about.
"Am I confined to King's Landing? Can I not visit a Kingdom I am Queen of with my own husband?" He brought his hand to his forehead like I was exhausting his capacities. Thinking had never been Robert's forte.
"Of course you're not confined." He sighed out.
"Then will you allow me to accompany you?" I promise I won't get in the way of your whoring -I never had in the past. It was the first sign of humiliation I allowed myself to endure since I stood up to him last -the reminder that I needed his permission to be allowed to go somewhere, that regardless of how much I would not let him have of me I still needed his approval to stop standing still.
"The Eyrie would be honoured to see its Queen's arrival." His small smile surprised me, but I turned on my heel with a nod far too quickly to let it change what I had set out to do.
And so on the same morning that Benjen Stark begrudgingly rode south to Sunspear, Robert, Ned, Renly, Jon Arryn and I made our way North to the Vale.
The ride to the Vale was less than bearable. If I was complaining about being confined to King's Landing before then one could just imagine how I felt being confined to an enclosed carriage with no one but Cleora and her nursemaid. I took solace in the fact that it was only I that got to savour in the shine in her eyes and the gurgle of a smile she was beginning to show.
Cleora was so sweet, so good, I don't know how Robert and I made her, but we did. But when she cried she howled like Robert, and it was enough to convince me that she truly was ours if I could close my eyes to the striking resemblance she bore us.
We slept in one tent together whenever we couldn't stop at an inn, and on the nights where both me and my arse were not too exhausted to fall to bed with Robert we would stay up just a little longer and tickle Cleora's belly together like we were children playing with a new pet kitten. He didn't touch me when we slept on opposite ends of the bed, but when I woke I would often find him regarding me strangely as he sat upon my end of the bed.
"I'll help ready the men." It was a sad excuse to leave my company -a King did not need to ready anyone, he merely had to demand it and it would be so.
"I'll see you on the road." I said jokingly, knowing i'd only get stray glimpses of his pitch black head of hair. He leaned into me, his large frame nearly hovering over me completely, and he placed a soft kiss to my temple before he turned away with hesitation and left me with our daughter.
The beginning of the mountains was the final straw -and after a day of being rocked wildly and having my head bumped time and time again on the roof of the carriage I vowed that I would not see the inside of that carriage for this singular journey again.
And so now we approached the daunting climb to the Eyrie, all four of us up front and on our horses. My chosen mare walked astride Lord Stark's, who was on my right, and my left was open to my husband and his dark charger. On the far left rode my husband's Hand, and future host, Lord Arryn, and almost the entire Kingsguard rode behind us save for Ser Borous who rode by the princess's carriage. Renly rode back with Ser Jared, his sworn sword from Storm's End, and I looked back at him repeatedly throughout our ride wondering why Robert would make him ride through the harsh winds and weathers.
We climbed up the Giant's Lance silently, except for Robert and Ned who had finally found their voices and reminisced over seeing other lords slip and fall up the way. "Amateurs" they called them, and I held back every yelp that might have escaped me when I felt my mount fall to slip but kept my head held high as I tightened my grip on both the reigns and the horse.
We arrived tired, weathered, and we had no reception other than the head of the household knights and the men he commanded. I was helped out by Robert, and no sooner had his large hands grasped my waist did I thank the Gods for the warmth they provided even briefly. My gratitude dissipated as I felt the cold return and the worry for my daughter and Renly rise. But I had not even turned to the mountains a moment before I saw Renly on Ser Orys's horse and Cleora's carriage pulled up finally by Ser Borous. And yet it was a sigh of relief that would not come, not until my daughter was in my arms again.
We were led to the Crescent Chamber by the guards, where we were given fleeced cloaks and warm tea. I struggled holding the cloak to myself and handling the tea whilst I held Cleora, but I still would not give her to the nursemaid, not after being away from her for so long. To my surprise, it was Ned Stark that offered to carry the princess so I could finish my tea.
A servant rushed to tell something to his returned lord in low whispers, and Jon Arryn nodded his head in disappointment -almost like that was what he feared he was expecting.
"See here Renly? This is where boys become men!" Or where men become Kings.
And while Robert walked around recounting the every corner of his boyhood seat and the warmth received me better I stood with my husband's closest friend, who murmured softly into my awakened daughter's ears.
I was fascinated, regarding him cautiously so as not to interrupt him while he held her. She smiled at him with bubbles in her mouth, and I broke the spell when I in turn giggled at the recollection of her shrieking ungraciously when Tywin Lannister first held her.
"You're very good with her." He tried to give her back, but I just stood closer to him and rubbed her back in circles while she rested her head on his shoulders.
"My son is not much older, your grace. I fear it's a necessary talent to be acquired when you have children." Not all men would agree with you, Lord Stark. Even Robert had a bastard, born right here in the Vale too, that he had all too lovingly abandoned when it came time to march for Lyanna. Perhaps Lord Stark honoured his own bastard far different than Robert did his.
"It definitely helps that she likes you." It was one of the rarest times I had seen Ned Stark smile, and perhaps the first time it had been my doing, and my cheeks pinked gratuitously at the sentiment.
Not long after we were led to our rooms. I was thankful that Robert and I were given separate chambers, sharing a tent was born out of necessity, sharing a room would be born out of sheer cruelty to the both of us at the way we stood.
In all honestly, I hadn't even considered when exactly i'd be ready for Robert to be in my bed once again, for the soreness had left me almost completely by this time. I suppose I wanted Cleora to be a little older, perhaps trying for an heir so soon was like admitting that she wasn't enough. I kept imagining what she'd think when she was older, what she'd feel about herself when a younger brother of hers was more revered and celebrated by the court whilst she remained as an unfortunate attempt. The only perk of not deciding anything for yourself was not having to take any initiative on the matter. If I ever saw myself ready again, how would I even tell him? Or would I, like him, go to Jon Arryn and force him in as a mediator?
Lysa Arryn was just as frail and young as I pictured her to be -except she seemed far more unwell than i'd seen anyone be ever before. She bowed down to me shakily and her bright blue eyes bounced out of her head like they were waiting for something to attack, for something to change. Lady Arryn was...fragile, yet her voice was eerily louder than her body, and her laugh haunted the halls we shared. I felt sorry for her, and I felt even more sorry that her company was not sought after by me.
"You're lucky to have such a beautiful, healthy daughter, your grace." She said once with ghosted eyes, and after I returned to my chambers that day I demanded that Cleora sleep in my chambers instead of the nursery.
The disadvantages of a narrow castle were clear -it was easier to coincide with people one was trying to avoid. And added to the list of Lysa Arryn still remained Jaime Lannister.
I only spoke to Ser Jaime sparingly now even though I was unconvinced that that somehow made me his Queen -he surely did not address me like one. It was begrudgingly that I admitted it bothered me -wasn't that exactly why I had enjoyed and needed him so much? I selfishly forgot that it came with a price -how foolish had I been to think that I was beyond reproach? But I wasn't false -he could not call me false any more. There was nothing that I had to endure any longer, no orders from a lesser lord that I had to bow down to.
I thought about it now, still, as we sat in the High Hall for dinner at the Eyrie. Were any of my efforts permanently fruitful? Surely not. In the end, I was helpless. A woman's duty was to her husband -or so they kept saying, and a Queen's duty lay with her King, and his council and Kingdom apparently. Would I refuse them should they demand that of me a second, third time? Helaena Estermont just might. I wonder, if I were a lion of Lannister, would I bow down to them just as well? Or was that pride just as false as I had called their golden son to be?
I was drawn back to the conversation when I heard laughter -and for once I was disappointed that it wasn't Robert's. It was lady Arryn's, and everyone in attendance -including the Lord of Winterfell, Lord of the Vale and his Lords Declarant. When I looked to Robert, who was sitting in the raised dais with me, he regarded me strangely for once with a sadness that was directed at me instead of because of me.
"What is it?" I asked conspicuously, a little worried that the King's broken smile would be seen by everyone else in attendance. Could he be thinking of Lyanna again, I wonder?
"I just...you look so much like my mother. I didn't notice just how much before, maybe I forgot." I hadn't even expected an answer, and so what I got was something I knew little what to do with.
It was, I believe, one of the nicest things Robert had ever said to me regardless of whether or not he meant it to be so. I was going to tell him that my aunt Cassana was far more beautiful than I -and stronger, and kinder and more selfless, but I remained silent as I tried to read what lay in his eyes unsuccessfully. I hoped he was right more than I could agree with him -I hope I was a fraction of my aunt. She married a Baratheon and bore him three boys -she made the Baratheon love her, respect her, keep her in his confidence and never set her aside for any woman -dead or alive. I hope a piece of my aunt lives inside of me or shines enough to help me with her eldest son.
The remainder of the evening droned on -and the silence of the surrounding mountains haunted every conversation that tried and failed to engage me, so I made the decision to retire earlier and I felt Robert's stare chase me as I made my way out.
As luck, my luck at least, would have it, I encountered Ser Jaime standing with Ser Meryn on my exit. I decided that, again, I would not hide from him. I convinced myself it was out of pride and goodness -and not out of the selfishness of wanting to be indulged in his company once again.
He immediately pushed himself off the archway he was leaning on and looked pointedly at Ser Meryn not to move in his stead. It made me feel a little less apprehensive in my coming attempt that perhaps the golden knight missed my company as well.
"Will you walk with me, Ser Jaime?" I asked as he began to walk behind me through the twisting halls and he nodded whilst offering his hand to me.
"I can not refuse a Queen, your grace."
"I don't feel like one." I was tired, and I had had some wine -but still it was no excuse for what I said. I was glad to be met with silence, was he thinking of his other Queen? Maybe she felt more of a Queen than I did -she was after all raised as a princess.
My thoughts drifted from the dead queen Rhaella to the castle we walked within. Lord Stark and my Robert lived here as boys -and they started a war that they lived to finish.
"Do you think this place breeds real men, Ser Jaime?" I wondered out loud, and I was glad to see the smirk that drifted to his lips when I turned to him for an answer.
"It must seem so, your grace. Though i've seen less than worthy knights graduated from the Vale." I would ask him to name them to me later and tell me why he deemed them unworthy -maybe on another night when it was not so eery and the wind didn't weep through the windows.
"I suppose there are always a few exceptions." I added to him before continuing with the true question that had plagued my subconscious mind since my arrival here. "I worry that a future prince would be expected to be fostered up here." Up here in the lonely mountains, by himself with no mother to hold him when he missed her. Renly could not last here, he was at his childhood seat and yet I still worried over him profusely -what worry would overcome me with my own son up here in the harshness?
"I'm sure they could foster a future prince closer should you wish it." It was meant to sooth me, i'm sure, but I scoffed at the notion of my words being taken as more than that of a spoilt queen's.
"I never get what I want." I said bitterly as we neared my rooms, I was surely starting to sound like a chided child by now.
"You have to know what you want in the first place." His answer was confusing, to say the least, and he let go of my arm gently as he looked at me awaiting my reaction. I was starting to get the feeling that Ser Jaime said things just to see how it would fester inside the person directed to.
"I know what I want." I replied, and the increased bitterness in my voice must have betrayed what I knew was true -I had no idea what I wanted.
"I take your leave, my queen." He bowed down and out. His chiseled golden faced dissipated into the dark of the halls, and I prayed to the Gods that I would not dream of him that night. The green had been coming to me more often in my dreams in his absence.
We stayed nearly a whole moon at the Eyrie and that was how most of my nights ended. Ned Stark had said his goodbyes and left up North and I had almost even warmed back up to Lord Arryn, but still it was only Ser Jaime with whom I walked with at night and still Lysa Arryn's company was less than soothing to my senses. Whenever we sat together it was mostly in silence -we would sow, eat, play cards which I would always win, but when Cleora was with us or in my arms the young Lady would regard in an almost disturbing manner.
And so on one of our last nights in the Eyrie Ser Jaime walked me back to my rooms, as usual, and I bid him good night when I entered. And just like every other night, I changed into my shift and sat at the dresser as I started to undo my hair. It felt just like any other night, except that this time my night time ritual was interrupted by the soft opening of my door.
I turned sharply at the intrusion, thinking it could only be Ser Jaime coming to warn me of the grave danger we were somehow in in the impregnable Eyrie. But what I found was Robert, my husband, standing regrettably in my room as the door clocked behind him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked as I stood up, suddenly alarmed at having him in my room -in this space that Robert had yet to invade.
"I..." He tried to say, and the wine on his breath was not as pronounced as it usually was when we stood in dark room together. He stepped towards me without forming a full sentence, and my chest constricted tighter into me at the discernment that Robert was in my room when I didn't want him to be, what else would he do further that I did not want him to do?
"Robert, please." I breathed out, and the desperation grew obvious in my voice the closer he got.
"Helaena," He came to me with a soft hand on mine, but I heaved out heavily at the contact. I don't want this, I don't want any of this.
My tears fell, barely held back under the strain that I had thus far tried so hard to contain.
"I can't. I don't want to look at you and see her. Please. Do you know what it's like for me? To be violated by someone I once loved? To be a corpse for you every time you come to my bed? I can't pretend like i'm dead anymore." My voice squeaked out to beg, and his hand quickly fell from my own. But his eyes remained trained on me, what do I have to do to get them off me?
To my surprise, his voice echoed through the dark when he made to speak. And it took me off guard after getting used to his sullen silence whenever he came to me.
"I once thought that i'd give anything, anything in the world to have Lyanna back." He started talking and at first it confused me that he was talking about her or he was even saying her name, but then I realised that this- right now, was the moment. I knew it'd come, or maybe I hoped for it, but it's exactly how I imagined it. We'd be standing in the dark, and i'd be in tears.
"I'd imagine a pit of fire and I'd think up thousands of things that I liked, i'd throw them all in for Lyanna to come back. A million cities, that damned throne, wine, whores, Jon -sometimes even Ned when he was being an honourable fool." Or me. A thousand times Me.
"I would think of you, and even though you looked so sad, even though I knew I was the one who made you so sad, i'd push you in every single time." It was relieving, strangely. I was right about something, I was finally right about Robert. I didn't know what it was -whether it was some sort of admission or way of atonement, but still he continued.
"But I was wrong -I wouldn't give anything for Lyanna back. I'd rather watch her die just like Ned found her than think of anything happening to Cleora. Maybe I wasn't made to be a father, or a husband, but I love our daughter. Gods know it's the best thing i've ever done." It took me off guard -could we be strong enough for your fire? He bit down on his lip before he continued, and I caught sight of the stray tear that left his eyes while the words I couldn't believe I was hearing slowly left him.
"So now, when that pit appears in my dreams and you're standing in front of it holding Cleora, I walk away. It's hard, but I do it. And it's a lot easier than thinking of a world without her -or you." I imagined myself by his fire now, too, holding Cleora. He would charge at me with a stag's head, and yet my feet were too firmly planted in the ground to fall back. I was strong, my daughter made me strong.
I lifted the hand that had just only minutes ago shuddered fearfully at his touch and spread my palm delicately upon his cheek. I felt more wetness than the tears that I could see.
"I'm sorry." He whispered out as he squinted his dark blue eyes, "I'm so, so sorry, for everything." It was the apology I had been waiting for, and with it came the onslaught of tears that followed as he clutched my elbow and pressed his eyes against the crook of my neck.
He leant into my small frame as he hugged me tighter to him, and I wrapped my short arms around his tall frame while he cried closer to me. Eventually his weight won out -my feet were not as firmly planted as I had originally thought, and we sunk down to the ground together as he both wept again like the children we once knew one another to be.
"Do you hate me, Helaena? My own blood?" He pulled himself back to look at me with his wet eyes.
"I don't hate you, Robert." I hate this, I hate everything else. I hate our crowns and our duties and the ties that bound us as man and wife -but I couldn't hate you, Robert. I was finally seeing it, I could finally see it for myself.
He kissed me then while both our cheeks were wet and my defences fallen -and I did not think to bring them back up. I kissed him back with my knees still on the floor -here I pledge my loyalty, the knights would say. But here I pledge my understanding, my acknowledgement. I see you Robert, I finally see you.
His large hands moved soothingly around my back, and the hem of my shift eventually lifted enough for him to touch, to finally feel, the skin that lay underneath it. I in turn unlaced his doublet to the best of my abilities, and not once did our lips leave the other's until we were both naked, completely bare and vulnerable to the other.
Robert laid me on my back onto the cold ground, and he asked me if it was alright. It didn't matter eventually since the warmth his hovering body offered me was more than enough to cancel out the invading cold. He kept his eyes trained on mine when he entered me, and the gesture itself was enough to push another strain of tears out of my eyes. We touched every part of each other that suddenly seemed new and unexplored, and the realisation that no part of it brought me to shame finally set me free enough to enjoy what my husband was finally giving me.
It was the first time it was a choice -for either of us, the first time it was truly me that he wanted to touch. He came to his end with a sob, and I kissed his raven black hair as his wet hot tears stained my chest. My poor, grief stricken King, my cousin.
And still, even with his tears lining my skin and his hands around me completely, I knew it was all he could give. This was the furthest Robert could give -maybe not even for me, maybe this was the farthest he would go for anyone, even the wolfgirl. This was the most I could hope for from him, an open soul and softer hands, but nothing more. I didn't even know if there was more to feel, but what was in my arms did not fill me like a dream -it wasn't enough.
I could not sleep that night after we made love for the first time, and yet my thoughts rarely drifted to Robert even once as he slept with his arms around me. It felt nice, it felt good to know now fully where I stood with him. I stood with him. Not under him in submission, not atop him like I was latching onto him whilst he was trying to push me away in favour of someone else. We were together, we were cousins, we were family, and though I knew now that he could not give me what I wished for, it was better now that I knew instead of jumping to my own horrid conclusions about it. For the first time I was so purely wanted, so purely desired -it made me wonder whether he was the one I wanted to want so badly.
I thought about it, still, and the way my body moved freely now that it was not confined to sheer duty against his, while I stood in the nursery staring down at the child we had made together.
As I heard familiar footsteps approaching I asked the Gods whether they had cursed me with a man who could read my mind, for Ser Jaime stood closer to my side while I remained entranced at the sight beneath me.
"Isn't she beautiful?" I wondered aloud.
"All babes look the same."
"They do not!" I turned to him to exclaim as reasonably as I could with my daughter fast asleep in her crib.
His smile was sunshine, and it alit the new me with something I was only starting to understand. His eyes, still so young and ever green, wrinkled with his wide smile and he looked down at Cleora whilst I remained entranced with him.
"She'll grow into a great beauty, i'm sure. She won't want for anything." He looked back up at me, and I was not sure if it was the lack of any "your grace"s in the conversation or the way his hair just barely kissed his face, but I knew that in that moment I wanted him to want me.
"I know what I want. I know what I want now." I whispered, and I only just caught his face fall in confusion before I closed the gap between us.
We stood still against one another, finally as young as our high birth never allowed us to be, and my hands moved up to his shoulder to balance my sudden movement.
When he finally moved, it was his lips that took the first initiative. He leaned back into me hungrily, and bit my bottom lips as his hand -the same hand that weld a deadly sword, rose up to my burning cheek and caught my straying hairs.
I didn't know it was possible to stand so close to someone before, not even last night, and yet all our parts crushed together to make an unnatural variation of pale chestnut and summer blonde as we kissed hungrily. He breathed hard against me, and when he stopped moving I stole another small kiss from him as I brought myself down to the ground.
I had only kissed three men in my life, but I daresay I had never been kissed back by lips so soft. He moved away from me with my hand still resting inside his. Bowing down slightly he laced a kiss to the knuckles of my fingers and rose once more, finally letting go. The only thing he left me with was a knowing smile as he backed out and away from the room. My fingers danced on my lips as I recalled the sensation that seared through me when ours met.
"My Queen."
So? I made it happen you guys! Tell me what you think! I know it's a bit of a twist this chapter but I believe that this was true to Helaena -she needed to kind of move on from the stand still she was living in with Robert and I feel like now she has the confidence to confront what she wants.
I found it pretty ironic that a Guest user commented on the last chapter "Though I look forward to seeing what it is that Robert does to finally get Helaena to move onto Jaime.". I mean, I know it's not the TYPICAL push-over-the-edge thing but I kind of wanted to illustrate that this change or decision came from WITHIN. I didn't want Helaena to choose Jaime just because Robert drove her to it, ja feel?
Please, please review!