Disclaimer: I don't own The Penderwicks

Chapter 10 (Skye's POV)

I just laid there. Glaring up at the stars that normally would have fascinated me. Tonight they just seemed like lights I'd rather not have shining in my eyes. I'd rather been able to just lay there surrounded by nothing but darkness. My heart was still beating a mile a minute in my chest, and I wondered if I just might have a heart attack any second.

I even wondered if I'd rather it end that way.

At least then I wouldn't have to think or...feel anything.

But I was still alive in spite of everything... And I was thinking and feeling all the things I never wanted to. All the things I'd planned on avoiding for a lifetime. Burying for a lifetime. And now I just wished I could rip the feelings right out of me.

Because no matter how bad I felt, I knew Jeffrey felt ten times worse. And it was all because of me…

Why was he in love with someone like me anyway…?

Sitting up, I buried my face in my palms as I clutched at the throb I felt creeping into my forehead. The last thing I ever wanted to do was cry. And yet...that's exactly what I did. The tears just kept coming in streams, and I wondered if I'd even be able to breathe when all was said and done.

But a part me didn't really care one way or the other… All I could see in my mind was him sitting alone at that piano. He'd poured his heart out at my feet...and I ran away… I was a coward, I knew that now.

A selfish coward.

Wiping my eyes on my sleeve I gritted my teeth, doing my best to stop the endless flow of water. But it didn't matter...they just kept coming until the world melted into a wet blur around me. And in the middle of that blur a sudden figure appeared at the edge of the roof.

It was strange to see how little you really did know yourself… Because every part of me suddenly hoped the the blurry figure was going to turn out to be Jeffrey. I wanted to hear him laugh, to say how silly and ridiculous I was being. I wanted him to climb up and sit next to me. I even wanted him to make fun of me for crying. But more than anything I just wanted to know that he was alright… I wanted him to know that I was being stupid, and that I really was sorry for that.

But it wasn't him at all…

"Skye...are you alright? What happened?" It was Jane.

But I didn't know what to say, so I just turned my back on her, and for the second time today, I shut someone who loved me out of my heart. "J-Just leave me alone!" I managed to snap out.

"Not going to happen!" She said firmly as I hear her move toward me. Then before I could raise anymore defenses, she grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face her. "Skye what happened!?"

I just stared at her as I clung to some kind of stubborn silence. Jane's eyes narrowed sharply as she shook me a little bit. "Skye Magee Penderwick! For once why don't you let someone help you!?"

"Because I don't deserve help!" I finally shouted at her, and at least partly at myself.

"What are you even talking about Skye!? You've acting crazy, get a grip on yourself!" Jane was my little sister, and she had never made it feel the other way around until right then. And she was right, I was going crazy wasn't I?

I felt my shoulders slump in her hands as I looked down at the roof. One by one I started to count the shingles. And then I divided each number, subtracted them, and added it all up again. I kept at it until I finally felt some microscopic bit of calm fill my head. It wasn't much...but I clung to it like my life depended on it. And maybe it did...

Taking a few deep breathes I looked back up at Jane. The words were almost there, but swallowing hard I made them go the rest of the way. "J-Jeffrey…" I mumbled out, even though I didn't feel worthy to even say his name. Not after what I'd just done to him.

"What about Jeffrey...?" Jane said gently, her voice suddenly seemed almost maternal. "He...he said he's in love with me Jane…"

Her eyes got a little wider at first, but then her whole face softened. "Yeah so? Why are you sitting on the roof crying your eyes out about that?" Her tone made me think that at least one of us had to be out of it. Because to hear her tell it, I was being completely ridiculous. It all seemed so simple when Jane said it.

So simple that I almost wanted to believe that it was...

Was it…?

Then a sudden frown crossed her face as if she just realized how complicated this really had to be. "What did you tell him? Did you turn him down? Is that why you're so upset?" And now she looked a little upset too. She was probably picturing a million horrible possibilities in her head. And all of them involved hurting Jeffrey.

"I-I didn't tell him anything...I just ran away before I had too…"

Her forehead creased, and I almost thought she was a little angry with me. "Why'd you do that?" Squeezing my shoulders a little tighter she let go of a sigh. "I know you don't want to hurt him...but if you really don't feel the same way then you have to be honest about it Skye! Jeffrey deserves that much!"

She was right I knew. He did deserve that much... But Jane still didn't get it… I felt my face twist into a frown and my heart into knots. "You don't get it… That's not why I didn't tell him…"

Jane raised her eyebrows. "What do you mean Skye, you're not making sense?"

I bit my lip before I felt another sob almost overwhelm me. Trying to control it left me trembling as I looked into her eyes. "I mean I ran away because...because I do feel the same way!"

Jane let her shoulders slump, she seemed almost relieved. And I had to admit that I was too. "Then why on earth are you up here crying all by yourself? Don't you know how love stories work?"

Letting go of a weary sigh I stared back down at the shingles. "Are you really asking me that…?"

"Yeah good point…" She said with a small chuckle. "But the good news is I do know! If you really want to feel better, then you have to go tell him how you feel."

I felt myself cringe even at the thought of it. "But I could barely even tell you…" She smiled as she patted my arm consolingly. "I know, but I'm not the important one here. You have to tell Jeffrey, then everything will be okay."

"This isn't like one of your stories…" I mumbled in a defeated tone. Too weak to put up much protest at Jane's suggestion.

"Life imitates art, I read that in a book. And this is definitely one of the times when you need to listen to me. I may not be as smart as you about some things, but right now you need to handle this like…" She thought for a second or two as she tried to find the right word. "Like you were a writer."

"But I'm not a writer Jane…" I mumbled again.

"Yeah but that doesn't matter, writers just tap into what other people are feeling and then write it down. All you have to do is tap into what you're feeling and just say it. You can do that Skye, I know you can!"

I just shook my head. "I doubt it…"

"Yeah but you have to. It's not just about you, you have to think about how Jeffrey feels. He probably thinks you don't care about him at all right now."

She had to put it that way didn't she…?

"But what do I say…?" I moaned.

She smiled as she pulled me into a sudden hug. "I don't know, I'm not your writer… You are Skye."

Biting my lip again I finally gave up on trying to hold back the tears. I just let everything I was feeling wash over me like waves from the ocean. The ocean we'd all seen together…

After a while of hugging and crying I pulled away and frown at Jane again. "But what about my face, how can I talk to him looking like this?"

She grinned as she tossed me a wink. "It'll just add dramatic effect, trust me on that one."

Honestly I wasn't sure I agreed with that at all, but it didn't matter...I knew she was at least right about everything else. So trying to brush away the wrinkles and bits of dirt, from wallowing on the roof in self pity, I climbed back inside my room. Then I forced myself to head toward the stairway. And each step felt like climbing down a mountain, or walking over hot coals. But it didn't matter how hard it was…

It just mattered that I did it. And I would...for him I would have done anything I could, and even something I thought I couldn't.

When I reached the bottom step I knew this was one of the things I couldn't. But I was doing it anyway. Stepping back into the living room I just stared at his back as he sat, slightly slumped at the piano.

"Jeffrey…" I said as I felt a little bit of courage fill up my chest. He didn't move at first, but then he slowly turned around to face me.

"Hello Skye..." He whispered gently, as he tried to smile. He was trying to smile for me.

I took a few steps toward him before I stopped and crossed, then uncrossed my arms. I tried to imagine everything Jane had said about tapping into your own heart. But all that I was tapping was nerves. Well...and that same feeling I had from before… It was the feeling I'd had a lot of times before. Even way back then at the beach when we were just kids. It was pretty much the same…

And I wasn't sure how to turn that feeling into words...but I knew for him I had to at least try.

"I uh...I thought about what you said…" He just sat there patiently with that weak grin on his face. He was being so brave about everything. It made me want to do my best too. So I just said it…

"I'm pretty sure I feel the same way about you... " Then I shook my head, mentally kicking myself for how I'd worded that. "No...I mean I know I feel the same way…" I let out a frustrated sigh. "I-I'm sorry...I'm not good at this…"

He just stood and took a few steps toward me. Then smiling softly, he laughed a small little Jeffrey laugh. The kind I'd heard about a million times before…

Then leaning to gently kiss my cheek, I heard him whisper...

"I never really expected you would be…"

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