The Doctor made himself stay behind Mal, matching his walking pace at least until they reached the bottom of the stairs. As Mal busied himself scolding Jayne and putting the man in his place, the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. Someone swore in Mandarin and he heard a chorus of gun hammers clicking.
"What the da er tu is that?" Wash cried. Being the one person without a gun, he seemed to be trying to make up for it by talking as much as possible. "Mal, he's got a weapon. Mal, do you see his weapon? Mal, zhe shi women, yiwei niu youguo de zui fengkuang de xiangfa..."
"Doctor," Mal said, "I think it may be for the best if you put that alien gizmo back in that pretty little coat of yours for the time being. Seems it's putting my crew a little on the crazy side."
"Thought it'd be safer to shoot him than trust him," Zoe said, voice flat.
"You're very right, Zoe, but it wouldn't be hospitable of us to just go about shooting guests of ours. We're civilized folk here, I for one ain't opposed to finding a solution other than a few well-aimed bullets."
The gun hammer returned to its normal position with another small click as it did so, then the first mate obediently slid the weapon back into the holster at her hip. The Doctor could see the hand ready to flick it up at a moment's notice, though.
Mal stared at the screwdriver in the Doctor's hand. "Now, Doc, can we see 'bout you putting that trinket away for now?"
"It's completely harmless," the Doctor said, pointing it at the roof. "Look, I'll show you how it works. It's completely safe. I just want to check his injuries."
"Doctor, I'm thinking you may have a few injuries yourself if you don't drop that weapon of yours."
"It isn't a weapon, it's a screwdriver. Watch." He pressed the button and the green end made a whirring noise. "See? Absolutely nothing to worry-" The lights cut out and there was the distinct sound of a small explosion.
"I'm gonna shoot him," a voice easily identifiable as Jayne said. "I'm gonna take and shoot him as many as it takes him to die."
Even Mal did not sound especially enthused about their current situation. "I'm trying to be nice, Doc, I really am, but I'm sort of hoping Jayne gets to you before I can help you out. Now, what in the name of all things good-like the Shepherd in the corner who can't see to stop me shooting you somewhere unpleasant- did you do to my ship?"
"Nothing," the Doctor said, frowning, though no one could see. "This thing is actually a screwdriver. Let me see..." He knocked it against his hand a few times, then pressed the button again, it flickered to light on the torch setting. He was slightly surprised to see Clara only inches away from him.
"I'm really hoping you have a good plan to save us from the space pirates," she said.
The Doctor grinned despite the situation. "Fresh out. You got any, souffle-girl?"
Clara drew her eyebrows together. "What did you call me?"
He froze, realizing he'd made a mistake. Souffle-girl was Oswin Oswald, not Clara Oswald. Clara Oswald was Oswin Oswald. Or she wasn't. That bit was confusing.
"You cheated!" she said, jabbing him in the chest with her pointer finger. "You peaked ahead didn't you." Her eyes shifted from side to side, looking at the crew who clearly had no clue of what was happening. "Do I get it right?" she whispered.
"Do you get what right?" he whispered back.
"The souffle," said Clara. "Do I get my mum's souffle right."
The Doctor raised both ((A/N: *cough*delicate*cough*)) eyebrows. "Clara, this is really not the time," he said, glancing over at the crew as well.
"It's not fair if you peak. We will have words, you and me."
Mal cleared his throat. "If we're not intruding, will you please fix my gorram ship?"
"The blue box says she's ready to fly."
Everyone jumped except Zoe. It seemed as though it was impossible for anything to frighten that woman. River calmly stepped into the glow of the sonic screwdriver.
"The blue box says to..." River trailed off, something in the dark apparently catching her eye.
"River, focus," said the Doctor. "What did she say to do?"
River blinked back. "She said it's time to go. Says to hold on tight."
"Hold on tight?" Wash said. "What in the 'verse is meant by that. Do we still believe a box is talking to River, Mal? I know she's crazy, but that's some guaiyi qite crazy. Oh, wait, we're also going with her being a psychic and that definitely falls in the guaiyi qite category."
The Doctor paused, trying to decode what River's message meant. His eyes widened. "Clara, you and Matthew get to the railing. Hold on tight."
Kaylee's voice crackled over the intercom system. "Cap'n, we've got-" static cut her off and Mal grabbed the sonic screwdriver from the Doctor's hand and used it to locate their end of the intercom.
"Kaylee, you're going to have to repeat yourself. What's going on?"
"Power surge, Cap'n. Things are 'bout to get a mite bumpy."
The Doctor interrupted their conversation. "Hello, hello? Yes? Kaylee, I'm afraid bumpy is a slight understatement. You need to get out of the engine room. My TARDIS is still unlocked. Get in and bunker down. We're about to break a few rules."
"What kind of rules are we talking about here?" Mal asked, suspicion creeping into his voice.
"Tons of rules. Rules of time, rules of the Shadow Proclamation, physics, the Alliance, rules of my own even... We're jumping outside of the lines of time."
Mal swore and pointed the screwdriver at the Doctor's chest. "What in the 'verse did you do to my ship?"
The Doctor grinned, an expression that clearly made Mal a little it uneasy. It was a crazy smile, but a fun one, too. It was as though it was all a big game; a game to see who was more clever- the last Time Lord or the Alliance.
A spark of mischief glinted in his eye, paired with a tiny bit of arrogance that he thought he deserved. "Just wait and see," he said. The Doctor looked around at the rest of the crew, illuminated by the small green light of the sonic screwdriver. "Well, what are you all waiting for? You heard the girl. Things are going to get bumpy. Find something to hold onto."
"I should probably get up to the cockpit," said Wash. "Someone's got to steer this ship."
River wrapped a thin hand around a strap holding a stack of crates in place. "The blue box is going to steer us. She knows where we're going."
Wash glanced over to his wife. "Right. That's fantastic and all, but I'm not handing my job off to a crate. I'll be up in my cockpit, guiding us to safety... The box doesn't have to worry about it."
River glanced up at the roof of the ship as Serenity groaned. "It's starting."
Clara's hand was on his arm again and the Doctor looked over at her. "What have you got planned?" she asked.
"Not much," he said, tying a spare rope around Matthew's waist. "But probably enough."
"Not encouraging, Doctor."
"Right, sorry about that." He gripped the railing and patted Clara's hand affectionately. "From here on out you probably shouldn't ask me questions like that. They tend to have disappointing answers."
Whatever Clara had been going to say was cut off as Serenity came to a complete stop, shuddered a moment, then burst forward like someone had hurled her from a slingshot. The Doctor grinned up at the ceiling and enjoyed the wild ride.
A large metal wall made contact with Mal's back. The g-force held him there, about three feet in the air, trying and failing to open his mouth as all the cargo in the bay that wasn't strapped down securely crashed into the walls. Jayne was grabbing on to a cargo strap by one hand, the rest of him lifted off the ground and waving in the air like a flag. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zoe up against the wall with him. He thought he could see Wash beneath him, but he didn't seem to be conscious.
Mal couldn't move his head to locate River or the Shepherd. He thought about Kaylee in the engine room and fought the invisible weight that pressed against his chest, trying to force his way off the wall to no avail.
The lights flickered on and off above them sporadically and wild. Then it stopped. Just as suddenly as it had begun, it ended.
Mal fell to the ground, finding himself sprawled over top of Wash.
Jayne was bleeding from his head and pointing a finger at the Doctor. Vera seemed to have disappeared. "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to gorram kill you!"
Mal didn't feel like stopping him. Leaving Wash in the care of Zoe, he rushed over to the intercom.
"Kaylee, Kaylee, answer me. Come on, meimei, answer me..."
The Doctor walked up calmly, straightening that gorram bowtie of his. "If she got into the TARDIS like I told her too, she probably can't hear you."
"Doctor, you wanna know something?" Mal paused and the Doctor stared curiously at him for about two seconds before Mal clocked him and sent him stumbling. "You really know how to rub me the wrong way."
He glanced over at Wash, who was now awake and moaning about how his head felt like a train wreck. Zoe held his head in her lap and calmly stroked his hair while maintaining silence.
The clatter of footsteps drew his attention and he looked up to where his name was being called. Inara ran in, flustered and just as near to frantic as he'd seen her get.
"Mal," she said, running down the stairs as quickly as she could. "Mal, you're bleeding. What happened?"
Mal looked down at his arm where his dark red shirt bore a darker red patch. "We had some problems with the ship." He glanced over at the Doctor, who was busy rubbing his jaw. "I'll get us back on course shortly."
The Shepherd walked up to them as well. He appeared to be unharmed. Mal gave him a curt nod and turned back to Inara. "This shouldn't put you behind on any appointments, will it?"
"Must it always be about business between us, Mal?" She leaned down and pulled at the silk on her dress, managing to rip off a strip of it.
"Shenme gu! Inara, what are you doing?"
"Shut up, Mal. Be cooperative." She pulled the makeshift bandage a bit tighter than needed and Mal yelped.
"Zhe shanghaile xiang huo... I'll just have the doc do it. Gotta make Simon earn his keep." The dress she'd just destroyed was probably worth more than what the average Border planet family made in a year.
"Speaking of the Tams," the Doctor piped up, "I hate to interrupt, but we're missing one."
Mal swore. "Where's River?"