New York City
Winter 2025
Chapter 10
An unmitigated disaster. There was nothing else to call it. The talk had ended with a broken wedding picture, a bloody knee and neither listening to the other.
He suggested a walk after lunch, and once Lanie was down for nap. Martha had agreed to play some board games with Anna and AJ. They'd be back long before dinner.
The plan was to talk. The morning had been difficult, but they had busied themselves with the kids. But even the kids knew something was amiss, the cold front between Mom and Dad was obvious and while they had no idea what was happening, they intuitively knew things were not right.
That was not the case for Anna, she knew something was not right. She had heard plenty. If the school chatter was anywhere near the truth, her Mom had done something she could not understand and her Dad had been really hurt by it.
As they stepped onto the elevator, their neighbors also boarded. One floor below two more people got on. Castle had no idea who they were, he had never seen so many people on an elevator in their building. It all just added to his level of frustration.
"Where do you want to go?," Kate asked. Castle turned toward her, placed his index finger to his lips and hissed louder than he intended, "ssh".
Kate's eyes narrowed, her nostrils flared and she hissed back, "Don't tell me to shh."
With gritted teeth, she tried again, "Where, do you want to go?"
His response was terse, "Kate, shut-up!" And then the doors opened on the ground floor. He bolted out of the elevator heading for the street, leaving the crowd behind, including Kate.
He didn't stop or slow down for her. He soon heard foot falls, rapidly approaching behind him.
When she was near enough for him to hear, she said, "Don't ever tell me to shut-up!"
Castle did not respond, instead he just sped up.
Frustrated and exasperated she caught up with him, grabbed his coat sleeve and said, "Rick, that's against the rules, you don't say shut-up to me!"
He stopped and glared at her and barked, "What rules Kate?" and then took off walking.
She raced to catch him again, "Rick, stop...stop"
He did.
She held onto each coat sleeve, "Look at me, please Rick!"
"The us rule, Rick. You've never spoken to me like that, let alone or in front of other people..you've never just dismissed me."
"Please...talk to me Rick!"
He glared at her, eyes smoldering, "What us?"
"There is no us! You've decided to move on...there is no us Kate...it's just you!"
She looked intently at him, her face taut with strain, here eyes frantic, "Rick, please let me talk to you. Let's not do it this way. "
She pressed on, "I know what you're facing. I know what I've done...I'm worried...worried sick. The kids are freaking out, Anna has that scared, deer-in-the-headlights look on her face."
"Talk to me, and if not for me, talk to me for them."
His face went from anger and hardness to a sudden mask of sadness. The rage dissipated in only a few blocks of walking. His clinched jaw stopped and he looked down to her, broken.
It killed her to look up at him. She was so overwhelmed by the sadness in his eyes.
In a soft response he said, "Kate, I'm concerned to, this just scares me to death...even though I'm on this emotional roller coaster, I'm so frightened for them."
"Kate, we cannot hurt them, we're their protectors."
Kate deflated, teetered forward, her forehead landing squarely on his chest. She held on to him at his elbows, his arms hanging loose at his side.
They stood in the sidewalk, neither speaking or moving. The contact point of her head and hands acting as conduit between the two broken people. They had, for so long, relied upon their commitment and words for their deep relationship. But they also relied on touch and this was the first in days. They adsorbed one another like parched travelers seeking water.
After a minute, maybe even two, she straightened up. As she did she felt a shudder run through his arms. Strangely she felt a surge of hope, not a certainty of anything, just not complete bleakness.
"Rick, have you ever considered yourself toxic?
He sighed, "Yeah, sorta...'I'd probably use the word...flawed, toxic is so harsh."
"Toxic fits me better," she replied.
"Why that word?...Why toxic Kate?"
They started to walk, to nowhere, just walk.
"Look at me Rick, look at what I've brought down on us...such needless misery...such pain."
"All this, at my hands, she held her hands up to him, "Like a plague, something infectious or ...toxic."
He remained silent, letting her think, letting her gather her thoughts, "I'm caught in this dilemma. The kids need us...us...they need us to be there, but..."
"Kate, there are no butts."
"I raised Alexis alone. She hasn't complained...because she doesn't know what she's missed. How could she know? But she's missed a lot, things only a Mom could giver her."
"You have things for them, things I can never give...things they need to survive..."
He continued, "Anna, AJ and Lanie...they need you...you Kate, no one else."
She looked up at him, "And what if their mother's crazy?"
"You're not crazy!"
"Really Rick! Look at what I've done to you! I'm poison to you, don't you see that?"
"I gave you years of pain before we got together, and now I've added more, but this time it's much worse."
"Listen, I don't know where you're going with this, but you've never been toxic to me."
He pulled at her arm,"Look at me Kate."
"I'm not happy, I'm hurt...but know this, I have nothing I wouldn't trade in a heart beat, for our time together."
"If I could turn back time, go right back to our beginning. Id' start over and do everything the same again."
"Do you understand Kate, you're not crazy and you're not toxic. Please don't even say that again..."
She turned to face him. This time it was her eyes that were hooded with grief.
"I have to stop doing this to you. I cannot continue as your source of pain. I can't stand being this. I cannot bear this guilt."
XXX
They met near BMCC, at a small coffee shop they both liked.
"Rick, you look like hell!"
"Thanks Jake, don't hold back."
"I know you've had an awful time lately, I'm sorry...no I'm more than sorry I'm sick about this."
Castle just looked into the intense eyes of his son-in-law. Jacob and Alexis had been married for almost three years. Jake continued to teach at BMCC while Alexis was in her second year of medical school.
Castle was still surprised with his relationship with Jake. He was a scholar, teaching philosophy and religious studies. But at his core he was a good soul. He was not a conservative Jew, but he was Jewish at heart. He believed his faith was a journey, not a set of rules. He studied and schooled himself in the Torah, but was never overbearing.
Once Castle had asked him about meeting Alexis during a comedy club routine and while in life he was a completely different person, why do those three unconnected things? Jake had surprised him with his answer. He said the three were actually a lot alike, they were all windows into a person's heart. What made people laugh, how they thought about life and whether they operated in the world of faith, let you look into their souls.
Castle had laughed, told Jake he was crazy
Jake was not offended, just asked for another beer.
He suggested Castle's reliance on the "universe" was somewhere between faith and comedy, but Jake got that. He thought everyone lives with some sort of fiction, a set of rules that work in most situations, like Castles 'universe." The problem was, in tough times, the fictions always fail.
Jake had been influenced by his Grandfather who had taught him there are systems of truth that work. They're like precious metals. Jake would have to work, he wouldn't find them lying around on the ground, they're buried. He'd have to look, but there was value in both the finding and possessing.
Jake said he always told his students the same thing, "Traffic in truths, and the Truth will find you!"
"Ignore the social fictions, our own fictions about life and find a system that works, that has been proven up."
He thought his Grandfather was right, as were many rockers, trip-hoppers and rap groups. You need a code to live by, telling him, "Don't just drift in the now!" His Grandfather added a warning, "You'll miss the bigger picture Jake, if you do."
His Grandfather used to play 60's and 70's rock groups, like CS&N, on their way home from synagogue. When they'd sing about a code to live by, he'd stop the records and say 'Hey Jacob, hear that, a code to live by...well you've got one, it's called the Torah...don't forget it"
Jacob always laughed about his crazy Grandfather, only later did he realized how wise he had been.
"It has been...horrible Jake." Castle said quietly.
"Don't think I've ever been in such a place..."
"Rick, what are you guys going to do?"
"I don't know...I fear that Kate will do something...rash"
"Like what?"
"See told me she sees herself as toxic, dangerous to me and kids."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm not sure, my fear is that she will just pull away from us, isolate herself. It's what Kate does.".
"I've told her we have to be there for the kids, even if our marriage is..."
Rick looked over at Jake, the young man's face had gone ashen, eyes glisten, clearly upset.
"Jake, I'm sorry, I shouldn't lay this on you...I..."
"Rick," his voice now thick, " I don't want this for you two...Dear God...my heart just..."
He had paused, working at self-control. Both men just sat, and slipped into silence.
Jake considered the mess as he sat looking at his father-in-law. He had been kind when he told him he looked like hell, it was more like death.
He thought back to four years ago. He had been delighted when he first met Rick and Kate Castle, they were the picture of love. They laughed and teased, but more than anything, they loved each other openly with a fresh gusto.
Alexis loved her Dad dearly, but she also loved Kate. For the last ten days her eyes had been constantly red and puffy. She cried on and off, without warning. She had missed several classes, simply overcome with emotion. Jake was now an eyewitness to the agony of this martial nightmare. He could not reconcile the past with the present news. Now he was witnessing the tragedy, first hand.
"Rick, can I ask you something?"
Castle nodded.
"Do you still love Kate?"
Castle looked up, but did not speak at first. He picked up his sunglasses and put them on.
Jake studied him, the face twisted in agony, still Castle nodded his head for yes. Then tears appeared from underneath the glasses.
XXX
Kate sat the desk in the study looking over papers Adrianna had emailed to her. She was busy reading when Anna walked in and sat quietly on the sofa.
"Mom."
"Hey Anna, I didn't hear you come in."
"How was school today?"
Anna was quiet and stared down. Kate stood and walked over to the sofa.
She sat down beside this beautiful young girl. She had dark hair, and long dark eyes lashes. She was thin or maybe even on the skinny side, but so pretty.
Kate wrapped her arm around Anna, "Tell me baby, what's bothering you?
Anna did not speak at first, just leaned into her Mom. Kate ran her fingers through her daughters rich thick hair.
"Mom...the older girls at school cornered me in the cafeteria...they asked me what it was like to have a Mother who's..." she trailed off.
"Anna, you can tell me...I've been called many things as police officer and a few already as a Senator."
"Mom they called you a...slut."
Kate had expected this conversation and thought she was ready, but to hear her ten-year-old daughter say the words, carried weight she had anticipated, it hurt.
"Sweetie, people always will say terrible things about other people for all sorts of reasons."
"Mom they said Dad's a loser...that you're going off with another man"...she stopped as though she was trying to catch her breath.
"Anna, first, your Dad is not a loser"...she wondered what could be worse in life...what a conversation..."he is a wonderful man...he loves you and your brother and sister."
"Look at Mom!" she took her daughters chin in her hand, looking in to her eyes, "I'm not going off with anyone...do you hear me sweetie?
"Yes."
Kate paused, wondering what to say.
"Anna have you ever done something you wish you hadn't? Or said something you wish you could take back?
"Of course Mom."
"I have done something...I wish I could take back. I'm so sorry that you are being teased over it."
"Anna, I love you, I love your Dad...I will always love both of you. Do you believe me?"
"I do Mom, I do."
"Sweetie I'm so sorry"...tears where now leaking down her face.
Anna had turned away after Kate let go of her chin, but when she heard the break in her Moms voice, she looked up and saw the tears then she began to cry, upset by her Mother outburst of emotion.
Kate pulled her close, "I'm sorry sweetie...sorry for these tears..sorry for everything."
XXX
She decided to call her best friend. When she did Lanie Parish had been cordial, but cool. They'd agreed to meet at Lanie's and Javier's place. Kate did not want to be out in public.
They had only seen each other three or four times in the last year, none of the visits at Lanie's.
Kate knocked on the front door, and held her breath, this would not be easy.
The door swung open, Lanie beamed and pulled Kate in for a hug, but she felt the stiffness and restraint on her friends part.
"Lanie, it's good to see you."
"Katherine Castle...you look terrible."
"Don't hold back, Lanie." She said with a sad smile.
"I am holding back. Come in sit down, let me give you a piece of my mind."
She knew Lanie was kidding, but also dead serious. Kate had no illusions this would be a easy visit. But she needed someone to talk to, someone from her past, from their past. Lanie was it.
"OK, tell me this crap on TV is just that, crap!" Lanie's hands were planted on her hips, her head extended toward her friend who hadn't had a chance to even sit yet.
"Lanie...I was having an affair." The words chilled the room.
"Oh, Kate...how could you do that..." her face crumbled and she turned and left the room. Kate heard the bathroom door close hard. She waited.
After about five minutes Lanie came back into the room. She started to speak, looked down at the carpet, held up her hand and returned to the bathroom.
When Lanie returned, Kate spoke first. "Lanie, I'm sorry...I'm not here to make you pick sides...I just needed someone to talk to and you're the only friend..."
Lanie looked at her friend, so sad, so broken but she could not comprehend how this could happen. She loved Javier, was this their fate? Could one of them do this to other?
Kate interpreted her thoughts, "Do you remember when we met last year, just after I was appointed to the Senate seat?"
Lanie nodded her head indicating a yes.
"I told you how busy Rick and I had gotten, we we're going ninety miles an hour in opposite directions...well after the Senate job got underway...it just got worse."
"It's not an excuse...it was just our insanely hectic life."
"Rick took on most of the responsibilities of the kids and we tried to make our busy schedules intersect...it was just so hard."
"Wait, stop!" Lanie interrupted, "Are you telling me things got too busy so you cheated on the man who thinks you walk on water?"
"Is that what you're trying to say here?" Lanie pressed hard on the point.
"No, Lanie...I'm trying to lay out the pieces of my stupidity."
"Well at least you've got the right definition."
"The parts of this mess... all seem stupid, ridiculous...pointless." Kate said looking away avoiding eye contact.
"Kate, what do you want out of this mess? Where are going with this explanation?
"I...I want to make sure I don't hurt him, or them again."
"And how do you intend to do that Kate?
"I'm trying to figure it out...I've talked to a divorce lawyer."
"What, did you fall on your head?" Lanie but staring at her with a laser like look.
"Tell me Kate! In what universe would a divorce fix this mess? Extending her arms out to shoulder level.
"Lanie I don't want to hurt him anymore...ever again."
"Well you're a day late and dollar short for that to happen, aren't you?"
"I need to protect him...from me...I'm pain and poison for him...I just repeatedly hurt him, Lanie.".
"If you divorce him...wait don't bother...just go shoot him and plead insanity."
"So let me get this straight...you cheat on him...and I know...it breaks his heart..."
"But to keep from doing it again...you want to divorce him...and a drive stake through his heart...so you don't...hurt him?
"What the hell is wrong with you Kate?"
"Is there something in the water in DC that your drinking?
"I need answers Kate!...Cause you're not making any sense...and I sure don't buy this BS, so start over and tell me how this happen."
AN: Thanks to all who have provided reviews. I appreciate the time you've taken to read the story and comment. Many great ideas.
As always these characters belong to ABC, Mr. Marlowe and his great staff and cast. A special thanks to NF and SK for bringing Castle and Beckett to life. At times I feel they're standing at either shoulders saying, " Nope, I'd never say that!" Some of you would agree.