I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back, my normal and hero wannabe friends to the latest instalment of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'! Before we begin let's take a look at the reviews you've sent us. PROFESSOR! OPEN THE SHOOT!
(The Professor does so, and out pops six envelopes)
Commentator: Right then! Our fist review is from BellaRide28:
Dude, this parody is insanely funny! I was wondering if anyone else noticed the insanely huge plotholes that weakened the structural supports of this absurd series that I love despite all of the bad things! And I love how all of the characters keep breaking the third wall... It's so funny!
Hey Pete! There's a question here for you!
Peter: What does it say?
Commentator: 'At this stage in your life, how would feel if an electrical powered diva wanted to cut your beloved hair? Would you allow her to, or do you love it as much as everyone else does?'
Peter: …I guess I would prefer to keep my hair the way it is.
Professor: Our second review is from Petrelli Heiress:
Okay, I absolutely loved the conversation between Nathan and Linderman at the beginning of this chapter, simply priceless. If only someone had pointed all the flaws out to the Company before they begun. Would have saved a lot of trouble.
Hehe, Sylar and his brains. Nice.
Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!
Commentator: Yes, thank you for that, Sylar.
(Silence)
Commentator: Hey, why isn't Sammy answering a review?
Professor: He's still travelling in space since you whacked him with a baseball bat, remember?
Commentator: Still?
Sammy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH hey, how exactly am I screaming if there's no air in the vacuum of space? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH (Is turned around by a ring around a planet) or more importantly, how am I not suffocating if there's no air? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Professor: Yes, Sir. Still.
Commentator: Oh. right. Oh well, more reviews for me!
Professor: You mean us?
Commentator: Sure, why not. Anyway, our third review is from Sakura Katana:
Nice one. I liked "Even the X-Men will envy us!" and the Linderman bit the best. But I do think the X-Men were envious long before "Parasite"... maybe because Heroes tends to develop their (non-Sylar-victim) mutants before killing them off. Referring to the movies, obviously. :)
Commentator: Yes well I'm sure the X-Men would retort with "at least our universe has some decent fight scenes".
BOM BOM BOM CH
Professor: Our fourth review is from Haruko Kurimasu:
Yes, a new chapter! (clenches fist) And hey, you even got in the "Parasite" scene! Well, it was in "0.07%" too, but much extended! I LOL'd (truly!) when...
Nathan: I don't know what I would have done if you had died, Peter. Possibly become a drunk, grow a beard, hang around in your apartment and drive my family away. I wouldn't have the will to become congressman if you weren't around, Peter.
I hated that beard. :( Made him look like a homeless lumberjack!
And also for pointing out Peter's battle stupidity against Sylar. I was wondering why he was facing the opposite direction of Sylar AND standing around! At least Mohinder was thinking lol. You should've had something like this after Mohinder and Peter escaped.
Sylar: BRAINS! No, the list leading the BRAINS! Is-
Sylar: For the last time, it's BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS! I mean BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!
Commentator: It doesn't really make a difference with vowel you emphasise on, does it?
Sylar: That's not the point!
Commentator: And Sylar we've been through this. Haruko Kurimasu has already explained why she can't do a long brains. Leave her alone.
Sylar: NEVER!
Commentator: Sigh. Our fifth review is from 'Queenofthelands':
Mohinder: Oh come on! I think Peter has better sense to move from where he was instead of just remaining-
Peter: GAK!
Mohinder: -Oh. I guess he doesn't.
Peter: Why…Didn't I move (Falls forward)…or at least use my telekinetic abilities to stop the glass…?
Sylar: Now then, BRAI-AH!
(Mohinder knocks him out).
Major lol. Particularly loved the "GAK" And the thing about Linderman's ironic power. Awesome commentary, as usual :)
Why thank you, Queenofthelands!
Commentator: Oi! Anonymius! We had a deal! You disclaim, and I respond!
Sorry Com. I just felt this was on of those reviews that only I could respond to.
(The commentator grumbles)
Professor: Our sixth review is from Almightyseakelp:
Haha, YES. Earth: Final Conflict reference! I love you now.
Also, your anonymous reviews are disabled.
Commentator: Oh. They are? Hey Anon, could you fix this?
I'm sorry, I thought I wasn't allowed to speak during the review special?
Commentator: JUST DO IT!
All right. But I'm just doing this for my readers, not for you. Right, it's done!
Commentator: Thank you:
Cheers for pointing out the numerous flaws in The Secret Evil Plan of DOOM. And Nathan and Peter's ambiguously incestuous relationship.
Our seventh and final review is from Yingyang13:
Yay! Another Chapter! I can't wait for more. This is really funny!
Well here's your wish, Yingyang13! The latest chapter!
Previously on Heroes, our Hiro had not only failed in his attempt to save the woman he liked, but had lost his powers as well. And so he and his sidekick Ando went on a journey to retrieve a fabulous sword of Takezo Kensei to restore his powers, which led them to Las Vegas. Finding the sword, our Hiro and Ando teleported away, only to find themselves five years in the future in New York and face to face with Future Hiro.
Hiro: Why aren't we destroyed?
Future Hiro: Come again?
Hiro: If a person meets his future or past self, shouldn't they both be destroyed because of the apparent paradox?
Future Hiro: Please! As if the universe really cares if two version of the same person actually meet! Just because this show featured Christopher Eccleston doesn't mean we've adopted the same temporal physics as Doctor Who!
Hiro: Then why did you tell Peter about the Cheerleader instead of me?
Future Hiro: -I don't know.
And so Future Hiro begins to explain why saving the cheerleader was so important in saving the world.
Future Hiro: The bomb turned out to be Sylar, and I tried to kill him, but he didn't die because he absorbed the cheerleader's regenerative ability. Without the Cheerleader's regeneration, he will be a mortal man. A man with a maimed soul, but a man nonetheless, and he will die from a sword wound just like being shot or falling off a building.
Commentator: Umm, actually-
Hiro: But Peter did it! He saved the cheerleader!
Future Hiro: He did? Then why has nothing changed? Unless of course you jumping into the future means you were never around to kill Sylar.
Ando: If that's the case then how can you exist?
Future Hiro: Because only future events committed by Present Hiro have ceased to exist. Duh.
Ando: -That doesn't make any temporal logical sense.
Just as Future Hiro was about to retort, government agents charge in and end up kidnapping Present Hiro. Ando and Future Hiro turn to Future Peter for help.
Ando: You have a scar even though you have regenerative abilities? That makes even less sense!
Peter: Look, I'm pretty sure it can be explained that I came across a mutant whose attacks my regenerative power cannot heal against.
Just then government agents led by Matt Parkman once again barge in. Fortunately the trio escapes, but not before Matt catches a good glimpse of Future Hiro, confirming that there are two Hiros and he is indeed a time traveller. He reports this to the president, Nathan Petrelli.
Matt: I say we need to kill the Hiro we've got right away.
Nathan: I'm surprised you want to kill him instead of be tempted by the chance to undo this dystopian future.
And so Future Peter and Hiro lead an attack upon the facility in which Present Hiro is being kept, where they come across an old friend.
Peter: Hello, Mohinder.
Mohinder: Peter? You're alive?
Peter: How have you been thinking that I've been dead these past five years?
Mohinder: I don't know, but I guess I'm making up in advance for any lack of shock I might have during the season finale.
Future Hiro: This is no time for discussing inconsistencies, I need to send my past self back into the past so that he can-GAK!
Matt: Mwahahaha! I have killed our Hiro, postponing any attempt to go back in time and undo this horrible future!
Commentator: Damnit, Parkman, you're even dumber in this future than you are in the present, why couldn't you take the day off?
(Future Peter telekinetically closes the door shut)
Peter: There! Now no one can get in!
(Arm phases through and grabs Peter and pulls him through)
Nathan: I beg to differ. Get that door open!
Matt: Yes Sir!
Nathan: Aren't you baffled how I'm able to pass through walls?
Matt: You'd think so but no.
Peter: My brother can't pass through solid objects! Who are you? Show yourself!
Nathan: If you insist. (Changes form)
Sylar: Boo.
Peter: YOU?
Sylar: Yes. Me. The one they blamed for the destruction of New York. But we both know what really happened, don't we, Pete? By the way, I love the trench coat look. Very Keanu Reeves.
Peter: Yeah, I have a thing for Neo.
Sylar: Shouldn't you be a bit more upset that your brother's dead?
Peter: You think so, wouldn't you? Well if it's that important to you, I'll make you pay for the death of my brother!
Sylar: He already betrayed his kind long before I took over.
Peter: Liar! My brother would never turn on his own kind like some self-loathing hypocrite!
Sylar: You just wait in a couple of years. (Forms ice around his hand)
Peter: Just to let you know, I'm not the wimp I was five years ago (Forms fire around his hand)
Sylar: Excellent. Let us begin the greatest special effects battle ever produced on-
Future Mohinder: Quickly! You've got to go back in time and end this- OH WOW! I'VE JUST SEEN THE GREATEST SPECIAL EFFECTS BATTLE EVER PRODUCED!
Hiro: Wait, let me see-
Future Mohinder: No time! You've got to go back and- OH WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY POWERS USED IN ONE BATTLE, IT'S WAY BETTER THAN ALL THE FIGHT SCENES IN THE X-MEN MOVIES COMBINED!
Hiro: No! I have to see this fight before I go.
Future Mohinder: No time! You've got to –OH WOW, SERIOUSLY, ANYONE WHO HAS NOT SEEN THIS WILL NOT HAVE LIVED!
Hiro: PLEASE! YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME SEE-
Mohinder: No time!
Hiro: Awwww.
VAMOOSH.
And so, our Hiro and his sidekick Ando begin their journey to kill Sylar in order to save the world.
Commentator: But, they've got it all wrong! They think that Sylar was the bomb, but it was actually Peter! Their attempt is doomed to fail! Besides Sylar already has a regenerative ability. Not as instantaneous as Claire's, but regenerative still!
As our Hiro and his sidekick Ando embark on their journey to finally stop the Apocalypse, Ando has something to say.
Ando: Say Hiro. If we do manage to save the world by stopping the bomb, won't that create a paradox?
Hiro: Say what?
Ando: Think about it! You found out about the explosion by going into the future and seeing it. But if we stop the bomb, and your past self ventures into the future and there's no bomb, then what's gonna motivate you to come to America to stop the bomb in the first place?
Hiro: My dear Ando, if our show was that concerned with paradoxes, the universe would have imploded the moment me and my future faced each other. Or at least dragon like creatures would appear from limbo and start killing everyone.
Meanwhile at the Petrelli home…
Angela: Okay, explain to me again why you're crashing here, Peter? Not that it isn't nice to have you here, but don't you have your own place?
Peter: I'm just staying here to recover from my mortal wound that I've instantly healed from. (Drawing) Damnit! I don't understand! I've drawn out all my powers, yet I'm still threatening to explode? How could this be happening?
Commentator: I don't suppose it ever occurred to you that Claude's assumption why you're going to explode is wrong, have you?
Peter: -Pfft, yeah right! Apart from not handling all these super powers, what else could possibly make me explode like a nuclear bomb?
Commentator: Oh, I don't know, how about absorbing a mutant's power to explode like a nuclear bomb?
Peter: …You know, I never thought of that. But I don't know any nuclear men!
Claire: I know one.
Peter: So, this Ted has nuclear powers?
Commentator: I see now. You must have met Ted in the future, and absorbed his power, and that is what makes you explode and take half of New York! Makes you think you were wasting your time with Claude, doesn't it? Well It's obvious what you have to do. As long as you stay away from Ted as far as possible, nothing can go wrong-
Peter: (Starts drawing) I need to track down this Ted.
Commentator: WAIT WHAT? WHY?
Peter: Because there's a chance that he's the bomb and I must stop him.
Nathan: Hold the phone! I thought according to your visions, you're the bomb?
Peter: Just because these visions that have always come true have shown me what causes the bomb, it doesn't mean that they're wrong about the one little detail!
Commentator: YOU FOOL! Don't you realise it? You meeting Ted is what makes you the bomb in the first place!
Claire: You know, most people who learn that meeting this person makes them destroy half of a city and kill millions of people would STAY AWAY from the person as far as possible, not GO STRAIGHT TOWARDS THEM!
Peter: True, but if television, literature and real life has taught me anything, it's that those who try to fight their apparent fate will only make it come true and quicker than later!
Commentator: True.
Peter: There. Found his location! By the way, Claire, I need you to come with me.
Claire: Why?
Peter: To shoot me in the head in case I start to detonate since you're the only person who can get close enough to me.
Claire: No! The universe can't be dumb enough that my destiny is to kill you!
Commentator: You do know that he can just come back from the dead once the bullet is removed, right?
Claire: No.
Peter: Either way, Claire, the world needs you.
Claire: Oh fine! Let me get my coat. GRANDMA! I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH UNCLE PETER TO SAVE THE WORLD!
Angela: Just be back at Six 0'Clock, dear!
Will Claire have the strength to kill her beloved uncle even though he can just come back from the dead afterwards? Can Hiro kill Sylar and save the world? Will Ted turn out to be the bomb after all? All of this will be revealed, NOW: No to all of the above. However don't miss the exciting conclusion of 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary): Genesis'!