A/N: Surprise!
The last chapter was a little shorter than usual. This one is as well, so I decided to do an extra post this week. Bella's having enough trouble putting her thoughts in order without us getting in there too, so we'll check in with another Cullen, one who inevitably feels the weight of responsibility when any of his family is troubled.
Chapter 10
Carlisle I
It was my favorite time of day. Sometimes it came in the daylight, sometimes close to midnight, depending on the need at the hospital. This was the time that marked the division between my two lives: the one where I was valued for what I could do and the one where I was welcomed for who I was.
The first had grown from centuries of hard work and discipline. It gave purpose to my existence. That path had always been clear to me. The other involved problematic choices of morality and self-indulgence that had at times been gut-wrenching, but the result was something I'd scarcely dreamed of. This home, filled with people I loved who were glad when I came through the door.
As I swung the Mercedes into the garage, I saw that Alice had left the Porsche in the driveway. That told me a little about her state of mind. Well, sitting out all night wouldn't hurt it, I thought, as I passed on my way to the front steps. The soothing mood that always settled over me in these moments was there, tempered by an awareness that all was not well.
My two lives were intersecting in a way any good doctor would avoid. You don't treat your own loved ones; you don't place your medical expertise at the mercy of emotions. But there was no other option for us, and I felt the perils of my professional life accompanying me through the front door.
"Carlisle," Esme said with relief, running to kiss my cheek. "I'm so glad you're here."
I pulled her to me, relishing the scent from the clouds of hair that brushed my face. Three other sets of eyes were on me as well, waiting for me to fix what was wrong.
"How is she?" I said by way of greeting.
"OK, I think." It was Alice who answered. "She's relaxing in my room – in the dark, just trying to calm her mind."
"That's good. The less confusion around her the better right now. Can we all sit down and talk about this?"
It was clearly what they'd been expecting. Emmett and Rosalie took one end of the long white sofa, and I pulled Esme down beside me on the other. Alice lit on the arm of a chair across from us.
"So tell me what you all observed? Any odd behavior besides the memory lapse?"
"Hardly saw her," said Emmett. "She seemed a little flakey."
"I'm almost sure she didn't remember the house when we first pulled up. She made some comment about how nice it was – like you would if you were visiting." Alice twisted her small hands together. "But when I took her upstairs, I left her in the hall to get some towels, and when I went to my room she was already there. She knew where it was."
I nodded. "Anything else?"
"She didn't ask about her own daughter," Rosalie said, and her tone defied anyone to top that for odd behavior.
"Did she see Nessie?"
"No, she was already in bed." Esme explained. "I'm afraid we wore her out in Port Angeles today, and she didn't get a nap. The poor baby is still out like a light."
"How can a mother forget about her own child?" Rosalie demanded.
"I think Bella's having trouble accessing her memories, Rose. It isn't that they aren't there. When Alice brought her into the office, she looked at me like she'd never seen me before. She said I reminded her of an actor."
"Christian Bale?" she asked.
"I have no idea. The point is by the time she left I think she had a good grasp on who I was. Presented with something tangible, she seems to pull in the associations that go with it."
"Well, then we need to show her Nessie as soon as possible."
I hated to squelch her enthusiasm. "I don't think that would be such a good idea, Rose. Keep in mind, we're dealing with another kind of intellect here, not just Bella's. Nessie is incredibly advanced, but she is still in many ways, as Esme said, a baby.
"If Bella hesitated to respond to her in the usual way, it could be very traumatic for her. We can hardly expect her to understand a situation that we don't understand ourselves."
"That's so sad," Esme murmured.
I hugged her to me. "I know. But until we have a better handle on what's going on with Bella, I'd prefer to err on the side of caution."
"So obviously we need Edward," Rosalie said. "From Bella's viewpoint, everything in the cosmos revolves around him anyway, so wouldn't that help her put things in perspective?"
"There's your answer." Emmett slapped his hands on his thighs as if the matter was settled. "Just call Edward now and tell him to get his butt home early."
"No," Esme spoke up before I had a chance to. "Please, don't do that to him. It isn't as if he could be here in an hour or two, and the whole time he was traveling, he'd just be getting more and more agitated. There's no point in putting him through that."
"Yeah, two Cullens freaking out at once is not a pretty sight," Emmett muttered.
"No one's freaking out," I told him. "But we all remember what it was like during the pregnancy. We despaired as much for Edward as for Bella. My hope is that by the time he gets home on Friday, whatever is going on with her will be over."
"He'll be able to tell though, if he calls her," Rosalie pointed out, "and you know he's going to."
"I don't think so." Alice pulled something from her pocket and waggled it in front of our faces – one of the little silver cell phones I'd bought for the whole family. "This is Bella's."
"How'd you manage that?" Emmett asked, smirking.
"I took it out of her jacket while she was in the shower, and I checked to see if she'd had any calls. Nothing in or out since she left home this afternoon."
"Good thinking, Alice." She'd been looking so uncharacteristically glum that I was glad to have a reason to compliment her. "But, of course, he's still going to try and get through to one of us, especially if he can't reach her."
"I thought of that, too." Alice said. She looked a little more cheerful. "I called him myself, after I thought of a lie he might actually swallow. I told him she'd decided to take Charlie up on his invitation to spend a day or two at the cabin. He knows there's no phone reception up there."
"Very clever, dear," Esme said with an appreciative nod. "Did he believe you?"
"Of course." Alice gave a smug smile. "He should have. I practiced for half an hour before I phoned him."
"Lying and stealing both in one afternoon." Emmett grinned. "There's hope for you yet, little sister."
"What happens in the morning, when Nessie wakes up?" Rosalie asked. "She's going to want her mother. That's a problem."
"I agree. Any thoughts on what to do about it?" I looked at each of them, the members of this family council, incomplete but still formidable. It amused me how automatically they turned to their father figure to solve whatever crisis threatened, when in fact, it was seldom my ideas alone that guided us.
Each of them had a valuable contribution to make to any decision, though I suspected they didn't always see that in the conflux of their disparate personalities.
Esme, whose innate kindness made her approach every problem without prejudice, hoping to do what was best for everyone. Alice, so clever and unstoppable in her determination. Our prickly Rose. Did she guess how often her cynicism brought a much-needed wariness to our too-reckless plans? And Emmett who went straight to the point with no complicated emotions to fog the issue.
Would we really have flourished this long or even survived, without Edward's intellect and sensitivity or Jasper's hard-earned strategic skills? And now there was Bella, brave and selfless and surprisingly fierce. The rest of us had to concentrate on bringing her back.
"If we don't want Nessie to be upset," Alice reasoned. "We'll need to distract her with something special."
"We are not sending her off with Barking Boy again tomorrow." Rosalie's tone was vehement. "He lets her do anything she wants until she's so tired she can't see straight. That can't be good for her."
Alice pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Well, we could make less of a terrible liar of me and really let her visit Charlie at the cabin. Edward already assumes she's there with Bella. Nessie just adores Charlie, and everyone there is safe, as far as she's concerned. It will be Billy and Sue Clearwater and whichever of the pack stops by for the day. She'd have a great time."
"That's a wonderful idea," Esme said, "but you can't take her, Alice. You need to stick close to Bella."
"I'll do it. You can get by without me for a day or so, can't you, sweetie?"Rosalie said turning to Emmett.
He looked at her and guffawed. "Could I get by? Yeah, probably, but somebody'd be getting the smack down. You really think you could hang out with Jake and Leah and those other hairy dudes without blowing a gasket? We've got a treaty to protect, babe." He hooked an arm around her neck and planted a loud kiss on her forehead.
Rosalie scowled. "I didn't think of that. The place probably smells like a kennel."
"Don't worry, dear. I'll be happy to do it." Esme looked up at me. "I don't know any of them well, except for Charlie, of course, but I feel it's time I made an effort. I could help Sue with the cooking – that would be fun. Unless you think they might object."
I smiled and tucked a tumbling wave behind her ear. "Who could possibly object to you? Besides, Renesmee's like a key that opens any door. When they see her, I'm sure they'll make you both welcome.
"On the other hand," I continued, "it's entirely possible that Bella will snap out of it at any minute and ask for Nessie. It won't help her state of mind to learn we've sent her child away without her permission."
"Do you really think that could happen?" Alice's eyes were large with hope.
"Absolutely. Most episodes of this nature are short-lived."
"Well, if it does, then we'll just hop in the Porsche and drive up to get her. It would help if I had any idea at all what Bella might do, but she simply isn't even trying to make decisions right now."
"No, her thoughts are too scattered for that. I put in a few calls before I left the hospital to experts who might be able to help – neurologists, psychiatrists. If she's not over it by morning, there's a good chance I'll hear from someone who can point us in the right direction."
"I don't see how those guys can help," Rosalie said dismissively. "They try to figure out what's wrong with humans. Whatever Bella's problem is, it doesn't come from the kind of thing that happens to their patients. She's just as indestructible as the rest of us."
"For all intents and purposes, you're right, Rose, but I'm not so much concerned with what caused her condition, as what methods might be useful in treating it. Where symptoms are similar, there might be a course of action that could work for her. The partial amnesia, for instance – causes for that may vary but I'm really not up on the latest pathologies. I'm reaching out to experts who are."
"Amnesia?" Emmett looked startled. "I thought that was something they dreamed up on the soaps."
"Just what do you know about soap operas, Em," Esme teased.
"I see the promos – you know, during the commercial breaks. There was this girl Tiffany. She left the convent to hook up with an ex-priest only on the way to their wedding, she gets side-swiped by a semi – wham!" Emmett pounded one meaty fist into his palm and several knickknacks jumped on their shelves. "When she wakes up in the hospital, she can't remember a thing – not who she is, not Lance – that's the priest – or anybody. So then she falls for this Brick guy – "
"What's a 'brick guy,' dear?"
"No, that's his name – Brick," Emmett explained. "He's like a Chippendale dancer or something. Anyway, they're getting' down and dirty and decide to run off to Vegas to get hitched, only Lance finds out and follows them. He runs in and decks the groom. Everybody's wailing on everybody else. The minister takes a header into a pew and he's out cold."
"The minister?" Esme interrupted. "You mean Father Lance?"
'No, no, I mean Elvis. The dude that's supposed to marry them is an Elvis impersonator. Anyhow, it ends up with the cops arresting everybody."
"You got all that from a couple of promos," Rosalie said drily.
"Well, pretty much, yeah. There was a week or two when the remote wasn't working right. You know, some of those love scenes get way steamy for network television. We really ought to watch them together sometime, babe."
"I might be up for that," Rosalie said, softening noticeably and wrapping her arms around Emmett's bicep.
"My point is – that amnesia can be dangerous sh- stuff."
I nodded, a little numbly. "I'm sure it can."
"But what we do know," Alice said, frowning, and I thought she'd probably tuned out all of Emmett's monologue, "is that Bella's a newborn. We're all amazed at how she's avoided so much of the crazy behavior we would expect, but what if her confusion is the result of that somehow? Like something's been short-circuited along the way. I know, I'm not making any sense but – "
"You're making perfect sense, Alice," I assured her. "The most significant thing about Bella right now is that she's a newborn. The change she's undergone is the most extreme imaginable. Our answer might very well lie in that direction. I had already planned to spend tonight going through the documents and chronicles handed down about immortals. I'll be looking for evidence of something similar happening in the past. But before I forget it, what's going on with Jasper?"
"Everything's fine now," Alice started out, not wanting to add to our worry. "It's just that the truck threw a rod outside of Kingston."
"I knew it!" Rosalie couldn't keep the note of triumph out of her voice. "I told him yesterday it didn't sound right, and I offered to check it out, but no, he didn't want to hear about it. So – is there a hole in the block? Did he total the entire engine?"
"I don't know exactly. He had to have it towed."
"What a wuss," Emmett snorted. "Why didn't he just push it into town himself?"
"Oh, way to keep a low profile, you big doofus," Rosalie taunted, shoving a hand through his short hair.
"Are you calling me names, woman? Just wait till I get you alone." Ever up for a challenge, Emmett leered at her. "I bet I can get you to call me something a whole lot better than that."
"We'll see about that, won't we?" she whispered with a look that was half defiant and half come-on. This meeting was obviously close to over.
"Anyway," Alice continued with an impatient look at the two of them, "he's paying the mechanics to work on it all night, and he called Seattle to postpone his meeting till tomorrow. Tonight I told him to get away from town and hunt."
"You think he'll be all right off by himself this long?" I asked her.
"He'll be fine," she said confidently.
"Well, then you can stay in touch with him while you spend time with Bella tomorrow," I said. "Esme, you might want to get some things together for the baby so you can leave as soon as she wakes up. Emmett, Rosalie, I'd appreciate a little help with the research. I've written a list of things to check online, if you could spend an hour or two at your computers – sometime before morning."
They all seemed relieved to have something specific to do. It was an approach that worked with the hospital staff as well. If you have a problem and no solution, people feel better trying to help, however unproductive that might turn out to be.
I retired to my office. The entire bottom of the bookcase running the length of the room was in reality a fireproof safe. It was here that I kept any written material that hinted at what we were. I unlocked it now and began pulling out armfuls of yellow file folders, documents and letters, even a few journals of those who had come before us. I took two large stacks to the desk and settled in for the night.
I decided to begin with the most recent in hopes of finding a relevant approach to Bella's condition, if it wasn't unprecedented. The further back I went into the archives, the more likely any kind of mental aberration would be put down to demons and curses. Although I'd read most of the documents at one time or another, I hadn't been looking for what I was looking for now. Nothing could safely be skipped over.
After a few unproductive hours, I replaced the folders I'd gone through with some of the green ones that contained accounts in other languages, ones in which I had sufficient fluency to grasp the subtleties. The blue ones I shoved aside. They would require translations by someone else, and I hoped not to have to take that risk.
Then there were the red folders. These were the ones I'd transcribed from the Volturis' own archives during my time in Italy. They were quick reading since they'd been written in my own hand, but I always felt a slight unease when opening them, as if Aro would somehow sense I'd plundered his store of knowledge.
By the time the rising sun had glazed the window a soft tangerine, I had only a few notes to show for my efforts, none of them very promising. The soft knock on my office door came as a welcome reprieve.
"Honey, can I come in?" Esme opened the door a few inches and looked at me anxiously.
"Please," I said, opening my arms to her. "You can't know how welcome your lovely face is, after a fairly wasted night."
"You didn't find anything useful then?" She said, settling into my lap and nuzzling my cheek.
"Not where immortals are concerned. If this sort of problem has happened before, it doesn't appear anyone's bothered to record it."
"Well, that's good news, isn't it? Maybe it happens all the time, but it's so brief and insignificant that no one thought it worth mentioning."
"That is one way of looking at it," I agreed, smiling at her ability to find the positive among the negatives. "The fact is most dissociative conditions have a physical component that just isn't going to be found in a vampire. We're immune to the injuries and illnesses that cause them. There is one idea I've been toying with, but I'll need to talk to someone with experience in that area to see if it has any validity. Have you ever heard of a fugue state?"
"Fugue . . . you mean like in music?"
"Same word, different application. It's relatively rare but intriguing in that the trigger is psychogenic, not physical. The sufferer experiences partial amnesia, often very selective, in an effort to block out unwelcome thoughts. In extreme cases, they've been known to adapt a whole new identity, completely forgetting who they are."
"That's not Bella." Esme shook her head. "She knows perfectly well who she is, even if it takes her a while to put names and faces together."
"No, those are the rare cases, the ones the media snaps up simply because they are so bizarre. I'm wondering if Bella's condition isn't a very mild form of the same process."
"Wait, when you say 'psychogenic', what do you mean exactly?"
"Just that the problem is psychological in origin, rather than physical, brought on by something so unacceptable to the mind that it must be blocked out."
Esme frowned, all the while stroking my hair with the gentlest touch I've ever known. "Well, she's certainly had her share of those, but not recently. She practically radiates happiness."
"She does, but what just happened that might not seem important to us but could feel very stressful to Bella?"
My adoring wife pulled back to look at me with an expression so dubious that I had to smile. "Are you talking about Edward's leaving? Oh, no, sweetheart. I'm sure you're wrong about that. She's handled it very well."
"On the surface perhaps, but their bond is intense, to say the least. I'm wondering if subconsciously what they've been through might have piled up. Keep in mind that every time they've been kept apart, chaos has ensued. People have died or nearly died. It could make any separation seem threatening."
She didn't look convinced. "I spent quite a bit of time with her yesterday, and I honestly didn't get that impression."
"Did she talk about Edward?"
"No, not really, but that's natural. She's trying to keep her mind off . . . oh, well, I guess I see what you're getting at, but why hasn't she asked for Nessie?"
"Do you honestly think she can ever look in that little girl's face and not see Edward? I'm just speculating that once she found herself alone with her own thoughts, it was easier to push that whole part of her life aside to keep from worrying. It's only for a very short time, don't forget, and once he's back, she won't need that defense anymore."
Esme pursed her lips, considering. "Well, you are the smartest man I've ever known, so I suppose I should hope you're right about this, even if it means getting through another day with a Bella who's only half there. She's just such a fierce little creature, it's hard for me to imagine her not meeting trouble head on."
"This is why you're my favorite sounding board," I teased, kissing her nose. "You're not a 'yes man'."
"Maybe you haven't asked me the right questions," she purred. She's the only woman I know who can look seductive and pure as the driven snow at the same time.
"I wish there was time to change that," I sighed, but I need to be at the hospital in an hour. There might be some news waiting for me on that end. Are you all ready to go?"
"Everything's packed," she said with her easy smile. "I just have to get Nessie ready in the car and say good-bye to you."
"Let me lock up here, and I'll meet you downstairs." I kissed her again and made quick work of getting all the papers back into their safe place. She was waiting by the door of the Mercedes when I came outside, Renesmee secured in her car seat.
"How are you this morning, pumpkin?" I asked, pleased when her sleepy face lit up with a smile. "I didn't get to see you last night before you went to bed. Did you have a good time in Port Angeles?"
The smile widened and she nodded, then held up her hand to touch my cheek. Her large brown eyes turned thoughtful. I leaned over her a minute absorbing her incredibly lucid thoughts. "Yes, they'll both be here very soon, I promise, but today Charlie needs someone to play with, so you and Esme are going to have some fun. And you'll remember about our secret, won't you?" I'd spoken my side of the conversation aloud for Esme's benefit, and now Renesmee sent me a silent message that made me laugh. "You're right, it is kind of funny." I kissed her pink cheek and closed the door, joining Esme on the other side.
"What's funny?" she asked, dimpling up at me.
"Charlie's moustache, according to Nessie. She says it looks like a caterpillar."
Esme laughed and put her arms around me. "It might be the only one she's ever seen. She probably thinks it's unique to Charlie."
"Well, heaven knows, we're big on "unique" around here. What's one more oddity among friends?" I grinned and kissed her properly. I waited while she got into the driver's seat, closing the door for her and waving one more time, as the car slid quietly down the long drive.
Emmett and Rosalie were just coming back from an early morning run. They showed me the few items of interest they'd come across online. After showering and dressing, there was just enough time to look in on my patient.
I tapped softly on Alice's door. She opened it immediately. "Come on in," she invited. "It's not like anyone around here is sleeping."
Bella looked as if she might be. She was stretched out on Alice's bed, wearing a pair of silk pajamas. Her eyes were closed, but she opened them at my approach.
"How are you doing?" I asked, studying her face.
"OK, I think. I feel like I may have an idea where a few more pieces go." She sat up and crossed her legs in one fluid movement. "Did you ever have one of those little plastic things when you were a kid – " She broke off with a look of chagrin. "No, of course, you didn't. That was a long time ago for you wasn't it?"
I pulled up the pink satin chair next to the bed, and set down, nodding with a rueful smile. "Let's just say the toy industry wasn't what it is today, but you remembered that about me – it's a good sign."
She continued, shoving her heavy hair out of her eyes. It fell back down in moments. "It's a plastic square and inside it are a lot of little squares with parts of a picture on them. They don't look like anything in particular by themselves, but if you keep scooting them around into the right places, you wind up with something that makes sense,"
"And do you feel like all the pieces are there?"
She laughed. "It's funny you should say that. When I was little, I loved jigsaw puzzles, but I never got to work one more than once. I always somehow managed to lose a few pieces on the first time out, so they were no fun to do the second time. I kept begging Renee to buy me more. She said she could have sent me to college on what she spent for them. I guess I won't know if anything's missing until the picture's complete."
Bella's smile was wistful but encouraging nonetheless. "That's good that you recall that," I told her. "Did your mother's name just come to you on its own?"
"Sort of." She frowned, "I was trying to see where I fit in. I had you and Alice connected, and then Esme, and I remembered the other girl's name – Rosalie. I know she's with Emmett, and they're both your adopted children, too. It was just me that didn't seem to have a place, and then the whole puzzle thing popped into my mind, and there was my mom."
"That must have made you feel better." I smiled at her, heartened by her stubborn resolve to fight her way out of the confusion. "I'm hoping to find some more information that can help you today, but in any case, I'm confident that by the end of the week everything will be back to normal."
"What makes you so sure?" she asked.
Not all that distracted, I noted, mind quick as ever. "Let's just say there'll be a few more pieces in place that I'm sure will help you complete what you're working on." I turned to Alice who'd been standing statue still at the foot of the bed. "I had Esme take the Mercedes and the Volvo's at the airport, do you mind if I borrow the Porsche or are you planning to go out?"
"No, you can take it, as long as you promise not to hurt it."
"I'll do my best."
I left then, feeling cautiously optimistic, which is the only kind of optimism a prudent doctor should ever feel.