Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I've been working on my other story, Letter to Booth. Anyway, this is the finale of The Parts in the Sum of the Whole. This is an incredibly emotionally dense scene and it can be interpreted many ways. I hope you all enjoy my take on Brennan's thoughts. And the title of this chapter...well let's see if you guys can figure out where the title comes from.

~AlphGirl13

Disclaimer: I still don't own Bones

His arm wrapped around my waist and he pulled me into a kiss. Our lips touched, and I let his warmth wash over me. His mouth was soft, gentle. I allowed all my fears to drift away, if just for a moment. I loved him. God I loved him. His hands wrapped protectively around my back, holding me close. I held his shoulders, kissing him back, trying to tell him how long I'd wanted this.

But the moment was gone as quickly as it started. I couldn't be in a relationship with him. We had tried, we had failed. His feelings for me were a side effect of the brain tumor. They would fade, and he would be left having to hurt me, having to break me. He would torture himself. And I wasn't the kind of woman that he deserved. He should have a woman who would love him unconditionally, who would attend church with him, share her every thought and feeling with him. He deserved a woman who was the exact opposite of myself. I was incapable of letting others beyond my walls, and I would only cause him pain. I would hurt him.

I placed my hands against his chest, and forced myself to break the kiss. "No! No!"

Hitting him lightly in the chest, I couldn't meet his eyes. I couldn't look at him. He was all I'd wanted for five years. I couldn't look into his soft brown eyes, I would lose my resolve. I had to have the strength to push him away. I had to hurt myself to protect him. But it was something I had done many times before. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes as he spoke.

"Why? Why?!" his voice was panicked and pained.

I was hurting him now, but if we started a relationship, I would hurt him much more. Like I did to everyone else. It always came back to me.

"You thought you were protecting me" I looked up, into his teary, blood-shot eyes. "But you're the one who needs protecting." I immediately looked back down. I was making him cry. He never cried.

"Protecting from what?!" his voice cracked, heavy with emotion. He was desperate and in pain.

"From me!" A lump was forming in my throat, it was getting increasingly difficult to talk. He was all I'd wanted. For so damn long. But I couldn't have him, for his sake, I could never be with the man I felt such strong feelings for.

I swallowed heavily. "I- I don't have your kind of open heart!" My voice broke, the tears threatened to spill over, and my chest clenched painfully.

"Just give it a chance" His eyes were shining with unshed tears. "That's all I'm asking!"

"No!" I fought against the tears. "You said it yourself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome!"

"Well let's go for a different outcome here!" His face was desperate and scared. "Alright? Just hear me out alright? You know when you talk to older couples who have been in love for thirty or fourth or fifty years, it's always the guy who says 'I knew'!"

My eyes burned with the effort not to cry. He wanted me to say yes so badly. But I just couldn't. I couldn't make him go through being in a relationship with me. I alienated people, I didn't get a happy life, I didn't get a family, and I didn't get a relationship with the man I…with the man I loved.

He's hesitated, then continued talking. "I knew! Right from the beginning."

God. I wanted nothing more than to say yes. But I couldn't hurt him. It was so much easier to hurt myself than to hurt him.

"Your evidence is anecdotal."

"I'm that guy. Bones, I'm that guy! I know!"

I shook my head, disoriented and confused. Too many emotions were cluttering my brain, I couldn't process them all. My heart rate was extremely elevated, my breathing was shallow and labored, and my voice was broken by the effort not to cry. I struggled to get my body under control.

"I am not a gambler! I am a scientist. I can't change. I don't know how!" I hesitated, confused, distraught, and in pain. When I spoke again, my voice was soft and weak. "I don't know how."

His face fell in complete and utter despair. I finally let the tears fall from my eyes; they rolled down my cheek, uninterrupted. He took a step back, trying to distance himself from me. He had offered himself to me, and I had turned him down. A single tear rolled down his cheek. God, I had hurt him more than I thought I would. I couldn't stand to see him in pain.

"Please don't look so sad!" Now I was desperate, trying to get back some of the carefree, goofy partner that I missed. I wanted him to smile his special smile at me, the one that caused my chest to constrict and my breathing to quicken. I just wanted things to be normal. I could hide my pain if I wasn't forced to display it for all to see.

He staggered back and leaned against the cement rail. He sighed heavily and hung his head. I walked over and stood next to him.

"You're right. You're right." His normally warm eyes were obscured by tears.

"Can we still work together?" My voice was hopeful, but he didn't respond.

I shifted uncomfortably. I couldn't not see him. I…I loved him too much to not see him every day. It caused me so much pain, but it was less pain than if I never saw him. I had to know him in some way, even though I could never know him the way I wanted. I had to keep working with him, I had no idea what I would do if I didn't see him regularly. I loved him, even though it was completely irrational, I loved him.

He looked away and nodded slightly. "Yeah." He said, grudgingly.

I couldn't look at him anymore. I was causing him all this pain.

"Thank you."

"But I gotta move on."

I was silent. I had nothing to say to him. I loved him, I wanted to be with him, but I never could. And I never would. I felt fresh tears cascade down my face and I wiped them away sadly. I would have to watch him love another woman because I couldn't give him what he needed. I was not a lover, I could only be a…a partner.

"You know, I gotta find someone who's- who's gonna love me in thirty years. Or forty, or fifty."

God. I would love him in decades. I would never stop loving him. There would always be some residual feeling tucked far back inside my head. He would never leave my heart. But I had to let him go.

"I know." My voice was high, changed by the impending sobs. I choked back the tears and stood up. I couldn't sit here, I couldn't let him see me at my most vulnerable. We walked away, back towards his car. I wrapped my arm through his, and let my head rest on his shoulder, enjoying the last moments of his touch. I soaked in his warmth, and memorized his smell. I would never have this, so I cherished the few moments that he let me lean my entire weight on him. For just a minute, I allowed myself to share the weight of the world.

Once we reached his car, I let go of his arm. He walked around to the driver's seat and beckoned for me to get in.

"Come on Bones, I'll drive you home."

I smiled tightly. I couldn't be in the car with him. I was going to cry, soon, and I refused to let him see that.

"No. I'll get a cab."

"Bones-"

"No. I'll get a cab." I turned and walked away. He didn't follow me; he had seen the pain in my eyes and knew I needed to handle it my way.

Once he pulled out, I took out my phone and called Angela.

"Booth." I only said one word. But my voice was cracked and uneven. She knew something was wrong. I hung up and sat down, hanging my head between my knees. His name used to cause me joy. I used to smile internally whenever I thought it. But now, it was painful to think of him. His name felt like a dagger inside my mouth. He wasn't Seeley Booth. He was a him. A he. Just another pronoun. He was my partner…just my partner.

Ange came, picked me up, and drove me home. I was silent for the entire ride, just staring out the window, fighting back the tears. She helped me inside, dressed me in shorts and a t-shirt, and then sat down with me on the bed. She opened her arms, and I fell into them. My entire body shook with uncharacteristic sobs. Tears poured down my face, and I gasped for breath.

Ange didn't say a word. She just rubbed circles over my back and ran her hand through my hair. She didn't ask what happened, she knew I would tell her when I could form coherent words. My best friend just comforted me, and let me cry. She held me until I fell asleep, and she was still there in the morning.

I hope you all enjoy! As always, I welcome reviews. Request any scenes you guys would like me to write

~AlphaGirl13