Note from SOFisticated1: This biatch needs to get internet… my own fics are slacking from her slaving me around like a drunken whore. *pssttt* She's now to be called LazyWanker, bwahahaa… I'm a bit tips but that makes for great jokes in the parentheses…they're MINE.
A/N: It's Christmas Break for this chick! I'm gonna try and pre-write my ass off for you guys, aight? I did say try though…I'm writing this on Christmas so HAPPY BELATED CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, YA'LL!
As you probably know I was in the Lemonade Stand fic of the week running last week…I didn't win. BUT I got some new readers so hi! And plus it was amazing to be recognized for anything anyway. Thanks to PeacockStew (Wasssup Homie? ;P) for nominating me. It was an amazing feeling. You rock, hard. (Entz, Entz, Entz) Thanks to all and anyone who voted for little ole me. Give yourselves well deserved props, my friends.
I'm getting to the point in this story where I majorly start overanalyzing the simplest things. For instance, I'm dying because I fear this story won't have many chapters. I'd die if I didn't hit the 20 chapter mark. It just can't go down that way.…
Just…just read the chapter. I'll be over here biting my nails off (disgusting!).
(Disclaimer:?)Stephenie Meyer doesn't own Twilight. She stole the idea from me about 7 years ago…Just kidding, but believable, no? (ROFL)
Chapter Ten: This Is Borderline Masturbation
"Do you have a dictionary?" I ask the waitress as she passes our table. "I want to look up the word Disaster and see if there's a picture of this in there." I circle the rim of my glass with a finger before passing a glance between Emmett and Rosabitch.
"Aw, come on, Belly, don't be like that," Emmett interjects. "Nevermind," he says to the confused waitress as she stares at us before scurrying away. "This could be a good thing."
I roll my eyes at his foolish optimism. We're sitting in a booth at Emilio's. The three of us. Together. He's even placed me across from Rosabitch. I'm refraining from kicking the bitch in her shins and bolting out of the place.
"Bella, how was your night last night?" Emmett asks, trying to stir up a conversation.
"As if I'm going to discuss the most awesome night of my life with her around," I sneer bitchily with a quick glare in Rosalie's direction. She crinkles up her eyes and scoffs at me before going back to tapping her nails on the table. To be honest, I'm not even pissed at Rosalie—well, no more than usual—I'm actually a bit cross with Emmett. It's Sunday. This is our drunk night. It's been our drunk night since forever! And he brought Rosabitch to our drunk night!
"Bella, please, for me, just…let's have dinner? A normal dinner. Try, for one night, to not hate each other," he pleads looking back and forth between Rosab—Rosalie and I. God damn, he gives me those puppy-dog eyes and I cave. Everytime.
I glance at Rosalie and her eyes are focused on his pouting lips, her eyes softening with every second that passes. We've both caved. She passes me a look that says 'only for Emmett, bitch' and we nod in a silent agreement.
"So, Rosalie, where'd you get your…" I look her up and down. She wearing expensive diamond studs, a low cut burgundy top and has her hair strategically thrown over her shoulder. I'm looking for something to compliment. I find nothing I like but— "…boobs?" I finish as my eyes land on her chimichangas. "They're nice." And hard to miss, I add mentally. I plaster a friendly smile on my face as I regard her.
Her eyes narrow minutely before widening again as she clears her throat. "I got them from my mom," she retorts.
"Oh, so she's a plastic surgeon?"
"No-"
"Then, they were a gift?"
"That's not what I meant! They're mine!"
"You're awful defensive…" I take a sip from my glass.
"They're mine!" she growls, leaning across the table at me.
"Okay! My God, I was just trying to pay a compliment…" I shrug and pick at the slice of pizza before me, twirling the cheese around my thumb. "Calm your tits," I smirk, chewing. Emmett kicks me under the table. "Ow! Dude, I really was trying but once she gets all riled up, it's so fun to continue! I'll stop," I promise him. "I'll stop."
Emmett runs his hands through his curly brown head and turns to Rosalie. "Rose, why don't you tell Bella about-"
"Actually, Emmett, if you don't mind, I wanna know about how you guys met?" I ask hesitantly and seriously, sliding my pizza plate away as I regard the couple. Blech, couple.
"Oh," he says looking to her. "Rose?"
She stares at the table before meeting my eyes and taking a deep breath. "It was at the post office," she starts, pursing her bright red lips. "I was mailing a gift to my great aunt and Em was there…checking his mail, right babe?" Em. Babe. Ick, ick. Ick! She puts a manicured hand on his arm as she lets him take over and her bitchy shield sort of falls and she looks all tame and tender.
Can I have a bucket? I'm gonna upchuck reallll soon.
"Yeah. I turned around pretty quickly and knocked right into her. She started swearing and yelling at me, her arms flailing. Kinda like you when you get flustered, Bell," he adds with a lopsided grin. I raise my brows and give him a gritted teeth smile. Did he just compare me to…hells naw. "Anyway, I picked up the stamps and receipt she'd dropped and handed it to her-"
"And then you just stood there grinning at me," Rosalie adds with a fond smile at my friend. Yucky yuckers. "And then you were like 'I'm an astronaut—"
I knew then what he'd said next. My eyes bugged at Emmett and I burst out laughing. He didn't…
Months ago, me and Emmett had checked out a book from the library entitled '100 Greatest Pick Up Lines'. And the astronaut one was out favorite. Mostly because it was filthy…
"Emmett, you did not use the astronaut one!" I yell at him, chuckling.
"I did," he grins shamelessly. "It's a classic!"
"You know it?" Rosalie asks me, still smiling.
I nod and clear my throat. "Hi, I'm an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus!" I recite with a snort of laughter. We all bust out into loud laughter that makes half the restaurant look in our direction.
"Yeah," Rosalie nods, swiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "That one. So, I socked him in his gut, laughing all the while. Next thing I know, well…he's socking it to me in the back of his Hummer," she laughs. Classy.
"Sock it to me! Sock it to me!" I yell and for some reason that's the funniest thing any of us has ever heard because we're all laughing uncontrollably again. I glance at Rosalie through tear clouded eyes and she gasps for air and looks back and we share another nod. But this time, we're wearing smiles.
Fine. She can date my friend.
But she's still Rosabitch.
xxSWSxx
"My monster man!" I grin as Mr. Skype appears on my computer screen.
"Hot dog babe!" he retorts with a smile identical to mine.
"The one and only. How was your day?" I ask as I begin to pull my hair up into a ponytail, liking how easily I'm communicating with him now.
He blows a raspberry and cracks his knuckles. "That bad, huh?" I ask worried. I pull the laptop on my lap and scoot back on the couch.
"No, no…I guess it wasn't that bad. Just…they didn't really like the designs I had. They told me I have three days to make the changes they want me to make to it or they're going to another agency. If I lose this account, The Playboy Account, my internship, no—my entire career as an architect will be screwed."
"That's terrible. What don't they like? I mean, what kind of amendments do they want you to make? Not simple ones, I'm guessing."
"No, they want a fucking five story building shaped like the Playboy Bunny. Not to mention they practically want a pool on every surface plus a lot of other shit that takes a lot of calculations to complete. I'll be up day and night for the next few days to finish it." He yanks at his hair. "Sorry for swearing," he says quickly once he's realized it.
"Dude, no, it's totally fine. If you want to go and work, I completely understand-"
"No, please. Not yet. You calm me," he offers with a sheepish smile that tells me he's fully aware of how cheesy his admission was.
"Okay, then. If you're sure," I smile. I'm calming. My insides are happily conga dancing in celebration.
"I'm sure. In fact," he stands and then his t-shirt is all I can see as he fumbles with cords on his laptop. He stands back and lifts the computer from the desk, smiling into the camera. "Dance with me?" he dips below the frame as he bows.
I laugh—loudly and stand, slipping on my slippers and picking up my computer. "I'd love to."
His crooked grin moves in closer and he begins to sway with his computer. "One sec," he carries me with him as he walks over to a corner of his room and rattles with his IPod dock. "This is our song now," he says as a song begins to play.
Shot in the dark
I'll wait for your dull, gold, heart
I'll wait
The soft song begins to play and I smile at the words. "How apropos, Skype boy," I comment sarcastically.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah…I'm a regular Casa Nova—ow!" he exclaimed, wincing.
"What's wrong?" I ask, concerned.
"You stepped on my foot," he grins and I can't help but grin back at him.
"I beg to differ. I am quite the dancer," I defend, swaying to show him, only to knock into my couch and nearly break my neck.
"Oh, yeah, I can tell," he snickers.
"Just dance," I grumble. He just smiles and moves back and forth with me.
"I like your perfume," he comments, keeping up the 'here with me now' façade.
Another smile takes over my face as I play along. "Oh, yeah?"
He nods. "Mmhmm. What scent is that?" He inhales and I briefly close my eyes, pretending his nose is at my neck.
"Strawberry."
"Strawberry," he repeats to himself.
"Hey, hey!" I try.
"Hmm?"
"Watch those hands, mister. Above the waist!" I give him a stern look and he laughs, his eyes lighting up.
"My apologies," he offers. "I couldn't help myself. Your ass was calling to me."
"Ay, ay, ay," I exclaim, my head pressed to my forehead in false upset. "Men nowadays with their wandering hands." I shake my head at him.
"What are my hands doing now?" he asks, mirth still evident in his eyes.
"They're veering dangerously close to the danger zone but I think the owner of the ass might let a grope or two slide."
"Oh, I see. So, then, with this lovely offer at hand, what do I do with myself?"
I bite my lip to hold back a huge smile. "This is borderline masturbation!"
"Oh, what a chicken!" he taunts with a cluck. I narrow my eyes at him and continue.
"You totally grab my ass, of course. I contemplate stopping you but who am I kidding? It feels good."
I've got all you're waiting for
I've got all you need
He wets his lips. "And then?"
"And then I find it only fair that I grab your ass in return…for reciprocal purposes, of course," I explain. "Nice ass," I add with a teasing wink.
"Ditto," he says much more seriously and he watches me in silence for a moment, all signs of joking void from his face and damn it, I know what he's thinking.
"I wish this were real," I voice first.
"Me too," he agrees solemnly.
"My feet hurt," I complain, trying to lighten the mood here.
"Your feet? You've been stepping on mine for the entire dance," he smiles, playing along. "Come on, let's sit down. I'll lead you to your chaise, my sweet."
I giggle and walk back to my couch, plopping down. "Only for you, Mr. Skype, would I be such a girl."
"I'm honored, truly honored," he holds a hand to his chest.
"You better be!" I joke as my phone starts to ring. It's getting hot in here! Nelly yells Emmett's ringtone at me. "Sorry," I say to Edward, "one sec."
He nods and motions for me to answer it. "Hello?" I say.
"Bella Wella! Get your ass decent, I'm on my way over with a big ass pack of beer, we're getting shitfaced!" he cheers.
"What? I thought…you counted the time with Rosalie as our Shitfaced Time," I say, confused but a bit giddy.
"No way, Jose Rodriguez, I would never. That's our time! I'd never ditch time with my favorite girl."
"Oh my God, you big fucker, you're gonna make me cry," I feign sniffling. "Where are you?"
"Just passing Becker Street," he says and I can hear Kings of Leon playing in the background.
"Okay, let me go make myself pretty," I tell him.
"Very well. Good luck with that."
"Eff you, pretty boy," I sneer sarcastically.
"Bye, boo."
"Take care of you, Pooh." I hang up with a laugh.
"Hot date?" Mr. Skype asks with a fake pout.
I roll my eyes. "Shut up, I was talking with my…what is it kids say these days? My…bestie?"
"Oh, I see. I suppose that's my cue to bug off, huh?"
"No!" I object. "Don't take it like that-"
"I'm kidding. I should get to work but…thank you for the dance, CowBell."
I smile at him, "Anytime."
"Don't forget our song."
"Shot in the daaaark," I sing in a terrible impersonation of the singers' voice. He laughs and nods at me.
"Until next time, Frycook."
I salute him. "Until next time, Architect." We're both grinning as we simultaneously click out.
No shame in my game, the minute I log off, I Google the hell out of those lyrics and find the song.
Amazon-dot-com gets it downloaded and by the time Emmett arrives I'm yelling the words at the top of my lungs.
"What the heck's going on here?"
"I have a song, mofo, now crack open the Heineken!"
A/N: Hey, ya'll. This was started on Christmas and finished on New Year's Eve. Pattern? Clearly,
I have no grasp on the concept of resting on holidays. (She rest even on non-holidays, don't let her FOOL you! Helllooo, Lazy)
Props: I admittedly first saw the astronaut line in Evading Edward by VampiresHaveLaws.
Great fic. Cool stuff. That line cracks me up.
Anyway, Edward and Bella's song is Dull, Gold Heart by Band of Skulls. If you're super Twilight savvy (*points to self*), you'll know that Band of Skulls sang the song Friends on the New Moon soundtrack. Just a little fun fact there.
I actually postponed the writing of this chapter to find them a song and I searched my phone and this was one of my first choices. It's a really cool song. You should go and check that out.
Be sure to review and check out my other story Wake Me Up. I'm really getting into writing that thing and it's growing on me. (It's updating again! Gimme like 3days – I has a LIFE)
Question: What's the best/worst pick up line you've ever heard? ('Do your feet hurt? Because you've been running through my mind ALLL DAY!' Yes, that one AND 'Are you an angel? Cuz the sight of you stopped my heart.' ROFL… LOSERS.)
AND BONUS QUESTION: Does anyone else not get why Flightless Bird, American Mouth is the real Edward and Bella's song? Hmm (*drunkly sings* Have I found yooouuuu? Flightless biiirrrdddd, jealooouuusss, weeeeepinnngggg…or lost yooouuuu? American mouth….Big pill looooommming…. READY?...NOW I'm A FAT HOUSE CAT….PISSING ON MAGAZINE'S! *LOL* I don't get it either but sshhhh…)
HAPPY NEW YEARS. FELIZ ANO NUEVO! (*throws confetti* and Happy Three Kings Day/Little Christmas *fist pumpage*)
~LazyMasochist(Marie) Twitter: (at)ElmoStew