I DID IT! I finished this fic!
It was hard, and ugh, ew, I'm bad at endings, but I hope it'll be enough and answer most of the questions. Anyway, it has 18 chapters and I'm glad I managed to finish this :D
Thank you for reading and keep the comments coming, it makes my day ;)
Ianto had lied to Jack, again. But he just wanted some time alone. First with his sister, as soon as Johnny and the kids had let them, to discuss with her. Then real time alone, walking in Cardiff.
They had talked a lot, Ianto directly asking her to describe everything, every details, to try and learn more, to help. It had just been painful, not the slightest helpful. She had been so close to death and there were so many things he hadn't said to her yet.
She already knew, had already guessed, but Ianto had said it anyway. He had admitted that he and Jack were together, and she had just hugged him and whispered in his ear that she already was well aware of it because she wasn't bloody blind. It had been a relief, really. It had made both of them smile, at least.
He hadn't said the other things. Not yet. She wasn't ready for this, and he wasn't ready at all to share this with her. She needed to know some other time what had truly happened to him – not in details, God no, he couldn't do that to her – since he had been kidnapped. He could tell some things, she deserved to know, had already asked a few times, in order to help him, but he had never let her know.
As he walked down some random Cardiff street, he wondered if he had made the right choices in his past. Then he realised he hadn't had much of a choice half of his life. But was he really happy with what he had now? Two years ago, he had been persuaded he would die alone in a cell, quite young. And now he was helping people, he was with people like him, he cared for others and others cared for him. But it hurt at the same time. He didn't remember that from childhood. Friendships, love, family. It hadn't hurt back then. Now he was an adult, and did that really mean that everything seemed harder and hurt way more? It didn't make any sense. He didn't understand how it could hurt, but he could feel it. Burning his stomach, like rats eating it, slowing his heartbeat or quickening it, both were painful for him.
He stopped at a graveyard and walked among the graves until he was able to remember where the one he was looking for was. He crouched down in front of the stone and smiled weakly.
"I'm sorry I didn't bring flowers. I came looking for answers, but I'm not sure it's the right place. I barely remember you two, but I know I always came to you for any problem, Mum," he said, a finger on the grave. He then sighed and looked down at the ground, and closed his eyes, thinking rather than talking. He wasn't great at talking, had never been. But he let his mind drift, first thinking about his present and what he should do, then about his past. The few memories he had of his parents. He remembered being close to his mother, not so much to his father. But he still had been a father for him, even if not the greatest.
He laughed silently as he remembered going to his mother because this girl at school had kissed him on the cheek and wow, that was a big deal at that time, and thinking about where he was now – with Jack, a man, doing a lot more than just kiss his cheek – he wondered how they would have reacted. He didn't remember being raised by homophobic parents, but that didn't mean they would have accepted him, and if so, if they would have liked Jack.
For a time, he had blamed them; during his imprisonment. Then he had just missed them and would have given anything to be able to see them again. Not that he had a lot to offer at that time. Still now, he had nothing. And he didn't know if he still wanted to see his parents. He missed them, of course he did, but he didn't want them to know about what had happened to him.
No, of course he wanted to see them, forget about his problem, turn back in time and live differently, forget about this nightmare... And now someone was trying to take his sister away from him.
He clenched his fists and stood up, looking up at the sky. He smiled weakly, promised he'd be back, even though he hated coming here and avoided it as much as possible.